Feature: too soon!

jesse
@ September 24, 2009


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[Mackenzie Phillips, daughter of "The Mamas and the Papas" singer John Phillips, revealed on Oprah yesterday that she had a 10-year consensual sexual relationship with her father. I know, you are laughing already. "Too Soon!" is, as always, written in conjunction with OC contributor Jim.]

What is Mackenzie Phillip's favorite movie?
Chinatown.

What was John Phillip's favorite band?
The Cherry Popping Daddies.

What lullaby did John Phillips used to sing to Mackenzie Phillips at night?
"Closer" by Nine Inch Nails

John Phillips decided to name his daughter Mackenzie because he had always wanted to have sex with someone named Mackenzie.

How did John Phillips discipline his daughter when she misbehaved?
With anal.

More bad news for Mackenzie Phillips today. She's just found out that she's been adopted by Woody Allen.


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jesse
@ August 26, 2009


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[Senator Ted Kennedy died last night of a brain tumor at the age of 77.]

What's the difference between Jackie Chan and Ted Kennedy?
- One was the Drunken Master, the other was the master drunkard.

What's the difference between Ted Kennedy and Mary Jo Kopechne?
- About 45 seconds underwater.

Why was Ted Kennedy called the Lion of the Senate?
- Because lions can't drive drunk very well either.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Chappaquiddick.
Chappaquiddick who?
Chappaquiddick, the place where Ted Kennedy killed his girlfriend.

What is the Republic Party's favorite band?
- The Dead Kennedys

Senator Ted Kennedy died of a brain tumor last night. I guess that was God's way of shooting him in the head.

Why didn't Ted Kennedy cross the road?
He drove off a bridge before he got to the other side. 


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jesse
@ June 25, 2009


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[Actress Farrah Fawcett and noted child rapist Michael Jackson both died today. Fawcett succumbed to anal and liver cancer, and Jackson suffered from heart failure. Fawcett was 62. Jackson was of varying ages, depending on which part of him we're talking about.]

The bad news is former actress and model Farrah Fawcett has died from anal cancer. The good news is I only had "anal" left on my celebrity cancer bingo card.

Farrah's former husband, Six Million Dollar Man star Lee Major, upon hearing the news, remarked that he regretted his bionic upgrades included a radioactive cock.

What do you get when you cross Farrah Fawcett with an anal tumor?
- A pain in the ass with a pain in the ass.

What's the difference between Steve Jobs and Farrah Fawcett?
- Their position on the organ donor recipient list.

Did you know that Farrah Fawcett was up for the Ali McGraw role in Love Story?
-  She would have been great, she would just have to play herself.

What's the difference between the Tin Man and Michael Jackson?
- One went to the wizard to ask for a heart, and the other molested children.

What do you get when you cross Michael Jackson with the Empire State Building?
- A structurally unstable building that died of heart failure.

And, unfortunately, somebody thought of this before me:



Thanks to OC tipper Joe, via.


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jesse
@ June 11, 2009


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[Yesterday, 89-year-old World War II veteran, and member of the greatest generation, James Von Brunn shot two people in the US Holocaust Museum in Washington, DC, killing a security guard. To match the somberness of the event, we're going to drop the one-liners and do this one late-night monologue style.]

So, did everybody hear about this? An 89 year old man shot two people at the Holocaust Museum yesterday. Yup, true story. A witness told police that it totally took all the fun out of his visit.

The 89 year old man was able to shoot two people because witnesses thought they were watching an interactive exhibit.

And it turns out the accused shooter, James Von Brunn, was a noted Holocaust denier. Yup, which made me think: if a Holocaust denier shoots somebody at the Holocaust museum, did it really happen?

To honor the event, the Holocaust museum is setting up a special wing devoted to Holocaust museum survivors. Thanks, everybody, we've got a great show tonight! David Carradine is here! We'll be right back.


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jesse
@ June 8, 2009


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[Journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee have been sentenced to 12 years hard labor in a North Korean labor camp for "grave crimes."]

What did one journalist in a North Korean forced labor camp say to the other journalist in a North Korean forced labor camp?

NOTHING! THERE IS NO TALKING! YOU WORK NOW!


What did the journalists say after they were sentenced to 12 years hard labor in a North Korean forced labor camp?

At least journalists are working somewhere!


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jesse
@ June 4, 2009


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[Too Soon is a new feature where, immediately after a tragic news event, Jim and I will exchange emails with our best attempt to make inappropriate jokes about it. Today's event is the death of David Carradine, who hung himself during an act of autoerotic asphyxiation. Please note that the jokes have not started yet. Thank you.]

Q: What is David Carradine's favorite game?
A: Hangman

Q: Is it true that David Carradine is hung like an elephant?
A: No, they don't hang elephants in Thailand.

Q: What do David Carradine and black men have in common?
A: They are both well hung.

Q: What's the difference between David Carradine and Heath Ledger?
A: Nothing, now.

Q: What is David Carradine's favorite Chinese food dish?
A: Egg foo hung myself.

Q: Why didn't David Carradine cross the road?
A: Because he hung himself last night.

[And since we didn't start this feature soon enough, this Air France joke is already a little dated. Sorry!]

Q: What do you get when you cross a Brazilian pilot with a French aircraft?
A: Debris floating in the Atlantic.


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