Carolina (+14.5) over PITTSBURGH
Last week, the apocalypse finally happened. I went 3-13 against the spread. 3-13. 3 AND 13!!! Wow! So what went wrong? Let's start with Carolina. The Panthers had the driver's seat for the #1 pick. John Fox is DEFINITELY GETTING FIRED, no matter what happens. And Arizona still had a shot at a playoff spot. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! The only possible monkey wrench was that Jimmy Clausen, faced with the prospect of Carolina taking Andrew Luck with the top pick and replacing him at quarterback, would be super motivated and play out of his mind. But, I mean, as monkey wrenches go, that's got to be up there with a team's season being derailed because a sports gossip website reveals that the coach's wife has been posting foot fetish videos on the internet. NOT TOO LIKELY.
Dallas (-6.5) over ARIZONA
When the Redskins benched McNabb in favor of Rex Grossman against Dallas not week, not only did I jump on the Cowboys as 5 point favorites, I picked them in my suicide pool. Naturally Rex would throw for four touchdowns and nearly lead the Skins back for the upset. Rex Grossman. Jimmy Clausen. Are we detecting a theme yet? ALL THESE BAD QUARTERBACKS ARE FUCKING WITH ME.
Detroit (+3.5) over MIAMI
Detroit is coming for your football teams, state of Florida!
PHILADELPHIA (-14.5) over Minnesota
I can't decide if
this makes me feel better or worse about the Eagles' win.
Okay, yes I can. Worse. Much worse.
JACKSONVILLE (-7) over Washington
Consider me a Rex Grossman doubter.
San Fransisco (+2.5) over ST. LOUIS
All the hand wringing about a 7-9 team making the playoffs as got to stop. Division winners get playoff spots and home games because division games should mean something. This is not the first time that I good team missed the playoffs in favor of a bad team because the bad team won their division, and it won't be the last. This makes the regular season better for everyone. It makes the games mean more. Do you want the NFL regular season to be as meaningless as the vestigial NBA regular season? Huh? Do you? DO YOU? NO YOU DON'T.
TAMPA BAY (-6) over Seattle
Clipboard Jesus!
BUFFALO (+8) over New England
Although I am disappointed to learn that
Ryan Fitzpatrick has only the
second greatest beard in the world of football.
CHICAGO (-1) over NY Jets
Now we know why Rex loves to go for it on 4th and a foot!
Rex has two favorite games: football, and feet on his balls!
Rex becomes sexually aroused by his wife's gross feet!
Feet! FEET! FEEEEEEET!!!
(So, yeah, this might be a distraction for the Jets.)
CLEVELAND (+3.5) over Baltimore
Because Cleveland seems overdue for another upset win over a vastly superior opponent.
KANSAS CITY (-5) over Tennessee
I swear to god, if I wake up Sunday and find out Matt Cassel got his tonsils out or something I am going to flip right the ruck out.
Indianapolis (-3) over OAKLAND
Jacksonville, you fools! You have to shoot them in the head! IN THE HEAD!
DENVER (+2.5) over Houston
Or you could hope they just shoot themselves in the head like Houston this season.
NY Giants (+3) over Green Bay
Matt Dodge: it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!San Diego (-7.5) over CINCINNATI
It's fucking week 16 and I still can't spell Cincinnati right the first time. Fuck them.
ATLANTA (-2.5) over New Orleans
If I wasn't a Giants fan, here's what I would be rooting for in the playoffs: NFC Championship Game, Philadelphia over Atlanta. Super Bowl, Philadelphia over Pittsburgh. Monday morning, Roger Goodell found dead in his office from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
Last week: 2-13
Overall: 101-112-7
