ST. LOUIS (-1) over Kansas City
So last week I was all, like, "Why is Kansas City an underdog to San Diego, this is stupid" and picked KC, only to find out 10 minutes later that Matt Cassel's appendix had been removed and they would be started one of his Fathead posters in his place. My bad. Anyway, if I find out after I make this pick that Matt Cassel has recovered from his appendix removal and is starting on Sunday, this pick is null and void. NULL AND VOID I SAY!
Houston (-1.5) over TENNESSEE
As I watched Suzi's face crumple in despair as Matt Schaub threw the TAINT that ended Houston's season Monday night, I reflected that maybe some people are happier not caring about sports.
Jacksonville (+5) over INDIANAPOLIS
Finish them! FINISH THEM!!!
Arizona (+2.5) over CAROLINA
Arizona can still win their division, and Carolina can still win the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. I don't see why this game even needs to be played.
Cleveland (+1) over CINCINNATI
Never leave me again, Colt McCoy. Promise to never leave me again.
Buffalo (+5.5) over MIAMI
Which was a more dramatic implosion: the Metrodome or Chad Henne's career?
NY GIANTS (-2.5) over Philadelphia
Suzi and I had the "should Michael Vick be allowed to own a dog" argument in the car this morning. Suzi says that, of course not, he's basically dog Hitler. I say he should: can you imagine a dog that would be better taken care of? Vick would NEVER let anything happen to that dog. The dog would be driven around in a little doggie version of the Pope-mobile. And nothing but the finest, softest rape stands! Why, you might even call them lovemaking stands.
DALLAS (-7) over Washington
Rex Grossman alert! Rex Grossman alert! We are at Rex Grossman Alert Level 5! This is not a drill people!!
Detroit (+5.5) over TAMPA BAY
Washington beats Tampa Bay by 6 with most high school kickers last week.
New Orleans (-1.5) over BALTIMORE
This will play out for Baltimore exactly like the Monday night game against Houston, except without the 21 point lead against Houston's soft, soft pass defense.
SEATTLE (+6) over Atlanta
Is that a trap game I smell? I think it is!
PITTSBURGH (-6) over NY Jets
Everybody is too anxious to say "the Jets come out shooting with everything they've got, they've GOT to win this game", which ignores the fact that Mark Sanchez is battling Carson Palmer for the title of "former USC quarterback single handedly destroying his team's season".
Denver (+7) over OAKLAND
I'm excited for the beginning of the Tim Tebow era, if only for all the virgin and abortion jokes.
NEW ENGLAND (-13) over Green Bay
There is a number high enough to make me take Green Bay in this game. It's out there somewhere. But 13 is not it.
MINNESOTA (+6.5) over Chicago
When I hear players saying things like "when the field is frozen, we might as well be trying to make cuts in cleats on the parking lot" I take the points.
Last week (excluding Thursday): 9-6
Last night: 1-0
Overall: 99-99-7 (back at .500 bitches!!)