Last week, the apocalypse finally happened. I went 3-13 against the spread. 3-13. 3 AND 13!!! Wow! So what went wrong? Let's start with Carolina. The Panthers had the driver's seat for the #1 pick. John Fox is DEFINITELY GETTING FIRED, no matter what happens. And Arizona still had a shot at a playoff spot. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! The only possible monkey wrench was that Jimmy Clausen, faced with the prospect of Carolina taking Andrew Luck with the top pick and replacing him at quarterback, would be super motivated and play out of his mind. But, I mean, as monkey wrenches go, that's got to be up there with a team's season being derailed because a sports gossip website reveals that the coach's wife has been posting foot fetish videos on the internet. NOT TOO LIKELY.
Dallas (-6.5) over ARIZONA
When the Redskins benched McNabb in favor of Rex Grossman against Dallas not week, not only did I jump on the Cowboys as 5 point favorites, I picked them in my suicide pool. Naturally Rex would throw for four touchdowns and nearly lead the Skins back for the upset. Rex Grossman. Jimmy Clausen. Are we detecting a theme yet? ALL THESE BAD QUARTERBACKS ARE FUCKING WITH ME.
Detroit (+3.5) over MIAMI
Detroit is coming for your football teams, state of Florida!
PHILADELPHIA (-14.5) over Minnesota
I can't decide if this makes me feel better or worse about the Eagles' win.
Okay, yes I can. Worse. Much worse.
JACKSONVILLE (-7) over Washington
Consider me a Rex Grossman doubter.
San Fransisco (+2.5) over ST. LOUIS
All the hand wringing about a 7-9 team making the playoffs as got to stop. Division winners get playoff spots and home games because division games should mean something. This is not the first time that I good team missed the playoffs in favor of a bad team because the bad team won their division, and it won't be the last. This makes the regular season better for everyone. It makes the games mean more. Do you want the NFL regular season to be as meaningless as the vestigial NBA regular season? Huh? Do you? DO YOU? NO YOU DON'T.
Now we know why Rex loves to go for it on 4th and a foot! Rex has two favorite games: football, and feet on his balls! Rex becomes sexually aroused by his wife's gross feet! Feet! FEET! FEEEEEEET!!!
(So, yeah, this might be a distraction for the Jets.)
CLEVELAND (+3.5) over Baltimore
Because Cleveland seems overdue for another upset win over a vastly superior opponent.
KANSAS CITY (-5) over Tennessee
I swear to god, if I wake up Sunday and find out Matt Cassel got his tonsils out or something I am going to flip right the ruck out.
Indianapolis (-3) over OAKLAND
Jacksonville, you fools! You have to shoot them in the head! IN THE HEAD!
DENVER (+2.5) over Houston
Or you could hope they just shoot themselves in the head like Houston this season.
NY Giants (+3) over Green Bay
Matt Dodge: it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!
San Diego (-7.5) over CINCINNATI
It's fucking week 16 and I still can't spell Cincinnati right the first time. Fuck them.
ATLANTA (-2.5) over New Orleans
If I wasn't a Giants fan, here's what I would be rooting for in the playoffs: NFC Championship Game, Philadelphia over Atlanta. Super Bowl, Philadelphia over Pittsburgh. Monday morning, Roger Goodell found dead in his office from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
SPOILER ALERT: I am going to talk about some of the crazy (?) shit that happens (?) in Black Swan. If you haven't seen the movie, then I will ruin things that happen for you by telling them so don't read this. Also, if you haven't seen the movie but were going to because you heard that Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have a sex scene together, well, you are going to be disappointed.
SPOILER FORCEFIELD ACTIVATED
The movie is, at times, showing us what objectively occurs. At other times, we are seeing what is happening in the imagination or otherwise altered perception of Natalie Portman's ballerina, who is losing her precious marbles. None of these questions should be construed as me criticizing the movie: I thought it was an engrossing and intense experience and I loved it.
1) My biggest question is regarding her encounter with Winona Ryder's "old" ballerina at the hospital towards the end, when Ryder (sorry I can't remember any character names) grabs her nail file and starts stabbing herself in the face and screaming like a crazy person. Portman flees the room to the hospital elevator, where... she drops the nail file? She had it the whole time? And her hands are covered in blood? Right? This is what happens? I don't know if I trust my memory, because I had just watched somebody stab themselves all up in their own face, but I am pretty sure that's what happened. So... did Portman actually stab Ryder in the face, imagining that she is only doing it to herself? The next scene is her at home washing blood off her hands.
2) We know that Portman DOES go to the club with Mila Kunis, and that they do NOT go home together and have disappointing (from a nudity standpoint) sex together. But where is the reality/crazy line drawn over the course of the night? The cab ride probably didn't happen. But what else?
3) What the fuck, exactly, happens the night before the performance after she is rehearsing by herself?
4) What is up with the scratching??
5) The ending. What I think happens: after performing as the white swan, she goes to her dressing room, where she sees an imaginary version of Mila Kunis. Imaginary Mila threatens to take the role from her, so they fight, the mirror is broken, and Imaginary Mila gets stabbed to death with a shard of the mirror. Later, we find that Portman herself has been impaled with the mirror, but only succumbs to her wounds after finishing the performance. So, she breaks her own mirror and stabs herself in the stomach with it? And then goes out and continues dancing, and there's no blood that anybody notices until the end? Even when she's in a white leotard? When, exactly, did she get stabbed? And, finally: what?
So last week I was all, like, "Why is Kansas City an underdog to San Diego, this is stupid" and picked KC, only to find out 10 minutes later that Matt Cassel's appendix had been removed and they would be started one of his Fathead posters in his place. My bad. Anyway, if I find out after I make this pick that Matt Cassel has recovered from his appendix removal and is starting on Sunday, this pick is null and void. NULL AND VOID I SAY!
Houston (-1.5) over TENNESSEE
As I watched Suzi's face crumple in despair as Matt Schaub threw the TAINT that ended Houston's season Monday night, I reflected that maybe some people are happier not caring about sports.
Jacksonville (+5) over INDIANAPOLIS
Finish them! FINISH THEM!!!
Arizona (+2.5) over CAROLINA
Arizona can still win their division, and Carolina can still win the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. I don't see why this game even needs to be played.
Cleveland (+1) over CINCINNATI
Never leave me again, Colt McCoy. Promise to never leave me again.
Buffalo (+5.5) over MIAMI
Which was a more dramatic implosion: the Metrodome or Chad Henne's career?
NY GIANTS (-2.5) over Philadelphia
Suzi and I had the "should Michael Vick be allowed to own a dog" argument in the car this morning. Suzi says that, of course not, he's basically dog Hitler. I say he should: can you imagine a dog that would be better taken care of? Vick would NEVER let anything happen to that dog. The dog would be driven around in a little doggie version of the Pope-mobile. And nothing but the finest, softest rape stands! Why, you might even call them lovemaking stands.
DALLAS (-7) over Washington
Rex Grossman alert! Rex Grossman alert! We are at Rex Grossman Alert Level 5! This is not a drill people!!
Detroit (+5.5) over TAMPA BAY
Washington beats Tampa Bay by 6 with most high school kickers last week.
New Orleans (-1.5) over BALTIMORE
This will play out for Baltimore exactly like the Monday night game against Houston, except without the 21 point lead against Houston's soft, soft pass defense.
SEATTLE (+6) over Atlanta
Is that a trap game I smell? I think it is!
PITTSBURGH (-6) over NY Jets
Everybody is too anxious to say "the Jets come out shooting with everything they've got, they've GOT to win this game", which ignores the fact that Mark Sanchez is battling Carson Palmer for the title of "former USC quarterback single handedly destroying his team's season".
Denver (+7) over OAKLAND
I'm excited for the beginning of the Tim Tebow era, if only for all the virgin and abortion jokes.
NEW ENGLAND (-13) over Green Bay
There is a number high enough to make me take Green Bay in this game. It's out there somewhere. But 13 is not it.
MINNESOTA (+6.5) over Chicago
When I hear players saying things like "when the field is frozen, we might as well be trying to make cuts in cleats on the parking lot" I take the points.
Last week (excluding Thursday): 9-6 Last night: 1-0 Overall: 99-99-7 (back at .500 bitches!!)
Discovering a new Craigslist scam feels like discovering a new species of dinosaur, or a new planet: I need to run and share my findings with the world. Last time I was trying to sell things on Craigslist, the scam of the day was for the seller to pay you even more than you wanted (!!) by cashier's check if you would simply mail the item to them. Naturally, the cashier's check is no good, but now you've already shipped your item and, oh, by the way, the bank expects YOU to make up for the bad cashier's check. SO DEVIOUS.
Now that we're all onto that scam, its time for a new one: the fake link password grab. Here's how it works:
1) Email the target saying that you are interested in their item. Literally. The scammer is sending so many of these out they can't even be bothered to personalize, so they just say, "hi, I am interested in your item." I have also seen ones that actually say "hi, I am interested in <enter name of item here>." I am not kidding.
2) After declaring interest in <item>, the scammer will ask "You are selling this item?" followed by, ostensibly, a link back to your page.
3) Because the Craigslist website wasn't so much designed as it was typed out onto the Internet, it is very easy to create a convincing fake Craigslist account log-in page. Which is where the link actually directs you.
4) You, being enough of an advanced internet user that you actually have your own Craigslist account, but enough of a noob to fall for this scam, enter your username and password, which, presumably, gets recorded by the scammer.
5) The scammer logs into your Craigslist account and steals whatever information is there. I honestly don't know what information they could obtain through this method, because I do not have a Craigslist account. And, because you are also enough of a noob to use the same username and password elsewhere on the internet, the scammer will go and try some other sites (Yahoo!, Google, PayPal, etc.) with the same username and password.
As for my part, I hope the scammers enjoy trying to log in with the username "go" and the password "fuckyourself."
There is the reason that people care about performance enhancing drugs, then there is the reason people SHOULD care about performance enhancing drugs, and yes, this has EVERYTHING to do with why you should stop watching Teen Mom right the fuck now, Suzi.
The reason people do care: as evidenced by the fact the only sport people actually care about steroids in is baseball, its because it monkeys with the stats. How am I supposed to know whether baseball hall of famer and noted whore enthusiast Babe Ruth is better than Barry Bonds if Barry Bonds used steroids, and all Babe Ruth used was beer and not having to play against black people? In football and basketball, nobody cares about stats. Is 10,000 points alot of a basketball career? Who knows? But we all know what 700 homers means.
The reason people should care: in order to be competitive when everyone else takes drugs, you MUST be on the juice yourself. And this filters all the way down through the pros, to the minors, and college, and probably some retarded high schoolers beating their girlfriends in a fit of roid rage.
Why it has to do with Teen Mom: because just like young men need to take steroids in order to make the Show, young women need to get pregnant to audition for the show. Which is exactly what they are doing.
Okay, so I don't have any evidence that a single teen girl has gotten pregnant to audition for Teen Mom. It doesn't matter, because IT IS TOTALLY HAPPENING. And if you watch Teen Mom and are contributing to the fame and fortune these girls think misbegotten fetuses will bring them, then you are part of the problem. Just like I am part of the problem for watching sports and making all those little boys take steroids. Just like I might as well go around injecting teenage boys with steroids at random every time I watch a football game, you might as well turn off the TV and go get a teenage girl pregnant. We are the same.
Except at least sports are entertaining. Which makes it okay.
Oakland's inexplicable domination of San Diego notwithstanding, this matchup falls under the hard and fast dominion of the "never take the West Coast team on the East Coast in a 1pm game" rule. Apparently no amount of athletic conditioning can prepare you to play football when your body thinks its 10am.
PITTSBURGH (-8.5) over Cincinnati
Thanks, Cincinnati. I dreamed of the day when we would no longer have to wait while an offense tried to draw a defense off-sides by barking out hard counts and audibles with no intent of running an actual play. Now, thanks to you, this nonsense will continue.
New England (-3) over CHICAGO
I'm assuming New England will be able to show up for this game on time, and won't be delayed because they were unable to dislodge their foot from the Jets' ass in time.
Cleveland (+1) over BUFFALO
While Buffalo may have lost the game, when that Bills defender potentially ended Favre's season (and career) by planting his face 6 inches below the turf, I think we all became winners.
NY Giants (-3) over MINNESOTA
While I'm sure Favre will insist on coming back for this game, he should give some deep consideration to the string of quarterbacks that the Giants have knocked out of games this year.
DETROIT (+6.5) over Green Bay
Because that's just enough of a spread for Detroit to remain competitive yet still lose handily.
Atlanta (-7) over CAROLINA
On behalf of everyone who had Seattle in a suicide pool last week, I would like to personally thank Carolina for tanking that game after going up 14 last week. John Fox' halftime speech must have sounded something like this: "Okay, boys, we've proved our point: now let's go out there and get that #1 draft pick!"
Tampa Bay (-2) over WASHINGTON
The immutable law of Tampa Bay holds: they are now 7-0 against losing teams and 0-5 against winning teams.
NEW ORLEANS (-9) over St. Louis
Yes, I know New Orleans has already lost to Cleveland and Arizona at home. Yes, I'm nervous about it. Leave me alone.
Seattle (+5) over SAN FRANSISCO
Because I don't care about this game, I will instead use the opportunity to climb on my soapbox: can somebody explain the difference between what Cam Newton allegedly did and what Reggie Bush allegedly did? Otherwise, I can't help but find Gregg Easterbrook's explanation this week irrefutable. Finding Reggie Bush guilty of violations after the tickets were sold, the TV ad time was sold, and the awards were handed out would be much less detrimental to the NCAA than if Cam Newton was declared ineligible just a month before the BCS Championship game. If I gave a crap about college football the whole thing would make me fucking puke.
(And for the record: just fucking pay the players already and get it over with).
NY JETS (-5.5) over Miami
I love Rex Ryan ceremoniously burying the football after the Monday Night game. It's like he's already story boarding the sports movie about the 2010 Jets ("Taking Flight: The 2010 Jets", starring John Goodman as Rex Ryan!)
Denver (-5) over ARIZONA
This Denver season has been such an abortion that Tim Tebow should quit the team in protest.
Kansas City (+7) over SAN DIEGO
This line is a slap in the face for Kansas City. How is the most secure division leader in football a full touchdown underdog? What am I missing?
DALLAS (+3.5) over Philadelphia
As a Giants fan, Dallas finishing the season on a roll is the best possible outcome: they won't get a good draft pick, AND they'll keep Jason Garrett instead of hiring Bill Cowher.
Baltimore (-3) over HOUSTON
The only interesting thing to discuss regarding the Houston Texans is: have we decided yet? Are Houston fans "Arian Nation" or "Foster's Kids"?
"Your wife is pregnant, and the baby is a zombie."
"Your wife is pregnant and... (pauses to open an envelope) you are NOT the father."
"You actually did die in the hospital, and are some kind of new hybrid zombie that is going to kill everybody, but not before season 5 or so, because this show gets huge ratings."
"Have you ever been fucked by a pharaoh? I put the pussy in a sarcophagus. Now she's saying that I bruised her esophagus."
"The last surviving society on earth is the French. The goddamn FRENCH."
"Beware the one-armed redneck."
"We're going to slowly kill off all the minority cast members until only white people are left, like God intended."
You never know what you'll learn watching C-Span. For example:
That's right: Houston suburb Sugar Land has a new minor league baseball team, and they are called the Skeeters. Or as I'll be calling them, the Sugar Land Ejaculators.
Fun is over, Houston. Philadelphia is about to do this to you.
Buffalo (+5.5) over MINNESOTA
It's an old cliche in sports that good teams find ways to win. Buffalo has created its own cliche: each week, they find new and more exciting ways to lose games. If Steve Johnson had caught that pass, I would have sent a similar angry tweet to God about my suicide pool. I PRAISE YOU EVERYDAY, THIS IS HOW YOU DO ME?! OUT IN WEEK 12?!?!! THANKS ALOT GOD.
Cleveland (+4.5) over MIAMI
Wait, is this the line for the football game or the basketball game tonight? Either way my pick is the same.
Jacksonville (+1.5) over TENNESSEE
With a third-string quarterback and the best running back in the league, it makes sense that you have to pass on 57% of your plays, right? The fact that you scored zero points against one of the worst defenses in the league is a coincidence. That's some smart coaching right there, Jeff Fisher, you creepy-mustache having douche. I can't wait until Vince Young is tearing up the league in Arizona next year.
Maybe its time for Tom Coughlin to use reverse psychology and encourage his team to fumble the ball away and throw interceptions. Watching the Giants play is like trying to sleep with a hammer stuck in your ceiling, just waiting for another Ahmad Bradshaw fumble or Eli Manning tipped interception to jostle it lose onto your face.
DETROIT (+4) over Chicago
Now that everyone has stopped under-rating Chicago, its time for them to lose a game to an inferior opponent.
San Fransisco (+9.5) over GREEN BAY
New Orleans (-6.5) over CINCINNATI
Cincinnati might secretly be the worst team in the league. I wish they played Arizona sometime this year so we could find out for sure.
Atlanta (-3) over TAMPA BAY
Hope you are wearing a cup, because it is time for some hard hitting analysis: Tampa Bay is 7-0 against teams with losing records, and 0-4 against teams with winning records.
Oakland (+13) over SAN DIEGO
Because San Diego's first loss to Oakland this year cost me my first strike in my two-strikes-and-you-are-out suicide pool, and no its just because I'm bitter that they went down 12 points in the first quarter because of two blocked punts, I mean, Jesus Christ who allows two blocked punts in a season, nevermind one goddamned quarter!! GAHH!
SEATTLE (-6) over Carolina
This should actually read "QWEST FIELD (-6) over Carolina".
INDIANAPOLIS (-5.5) over Dallas
Because Peyton Manning won't lose 3 in a row (and if he does, then next week I'll pick him again with the same sentence, except it will be 4 in a row).
Well, you were so busy thinking about this game last week Pittsburgh that you almost lost to fucking Buffalo, you better go out and win this you goddamn rapists and rapist-sympathizers.
NY Jets (+3.5) over NEW ENGLAND
Because some flukey shit is going to happen to give the Jets the win like it does every week.
