MIAMI (-1.5) over Chicago
Breaking news: Chad Pennington is actually made entirely out of chiffon and sugar crystals. I wish that there was a place that I could have gambled on him re-injuring himself during his first game back.
Oakland (+7) over PITTSBURGH
Did you see the way New England's defense just forced themselves on Ben Roethlisberger last week? That was not right.
Houston (+7) over NY JETS
The unluckiest team in the league (we've all seen the Hail Mary, right? Jesus Christ) vs. the luckiest (scraped out two overtime wins on the road against teams that a legit contender should be able to handle thanks to crazy fumbles and horrible time management by their opponents). Karma fucking owes this game to Houston.
Baltimore (-10) over CAROLINA
I think the fact that Jimmy Clausen wasn't a first round pick gives Carolina cover to take another quarterback in next year's draft. The fact that he wasn't a first round pick also proves that sometimes, the NFL actually seems to know what the fuck they are doing.
TENNESSEE (-7) over Washington
This actually makes me feel bad for the Eagles player who was blocking Haynesworth. Just because Fat Albert wants to lay on the ground like he's looking for a cookie he lost under the sofa doesn't mean the defender wants to stand around with his dick in his hand.
Detroit (+6.5) over DALLAS
Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's hold on just a second, Dallas fans. I believe the term of art for this situation is "let's not start sucking each others dicks just yet."
Green Bay (-3) over MINNESOTA
I've heard the phrase "all-in" alot to describe this Vikings season. Bringing back Brett Favre. Trading for Randy Moss. But doesn't keeping Brad Childress as your head coach mean you were going all-in with Queen-Jack off-suit?
Buffalo (+5.5) over CINCINNATI
I hate fucking Cincinnati. Why? Because I can never remember how to spell it. Is it the N or the T that gets doubled I CAN NEVER REMEMBER FUCK YOU CINNCINATTI. Also Carson Palmer is the personification of everything that is dumb about fantasy football. He's having a good fantasy season, yet is probably the 28th quarterback you'd actually want on your team (I'd probably take him over whatever the fuck is happening in Carolina and Arizona, but that's about it).
JACKSONVILLE (-1.5) over Cleveland
I can't tell which of these teams is going to be let down more - Jacksonville after the Hail Mary, or Cleveland after two straight weeks of competitive games against the best teams in the AFC - so I'm just taking the home team and calling it a day.
Kansas City (-8) over ARIZONA
Is it necessary to have a quarterback? Couldn't you just have the center hike the ball, let it roll around, maybe somebody picks it up, or it just gets kicked around? I mean, just see what happens, right? These are the questions Arizona should be asking itself right about now.
NEW ORLEANS (-11.5) over Seattle
Seattle has to be one of the worst division leaders in the history of the NFL. I can't wait to bet against them when they get a playoff home game.
Atlanta (-3) over ST. LOUIS
Look: I'm a huge Steve Spagnuolo fan, and I love what he has done with St. Louis, but Atlanta is the best team in the NFC right now. Three points is a slap in the face.
Tampa Bay (+3) over SAN FRANSISCO
San Fransisco is another team a la Dallas that is rushing into some mutual fellatio.
NEW ENGLAND (-3.5) over Indianapolis
This is an Indy team that is winning solely on the skill of its quarterback and the confidence instilled from years of success. Which makes it all the more upsetting to me that they embarrassed the Giants so badly when they played.
PHILADELPHIA (-3) over NY Giants
While I expect the Giants to put up more of a fight than the Redskins, mobile quarterbacks have always KILLED the Giants because they neutralize their best asset (aggressive pass rush). This game is definitely Bad Newz for the Giants.
Denver (+10) over SAN DIEGO
11 weeks in, and San Diego STILL has the #1 rated offense and defense, and they are STILL under .500. They are putting the "special" in special teams.
Last week: 5-9
Overall: 64-73-5
