November 2010 Archives

Here are this week's quick NFL picks, twitter-style (140 characters or less per pick):

WASHINGTON (+2) over Minnesota: because it wasn't the coach that was the problem in Minnesota

Pittsburgh (-6.5) over BUFFALO: because I picked them in my suicide pool, goddammit

Tennessee (+6) over HOUSTON: just imagine that I typed 140 question marks here, this line makes no sense

NY GIANTS (-7) over Jacksonville: because Eli Manning will slide this week

Carolina (+9.5) over CLEVELAND: because I didn't pick Cleveland in my suicide pool, goddammit

Tampa Bay (+7.5) over BALTIMORE: because Tampa Bay has proven they can play tough on the road against quality opponents

Philadelphia (-3) over CHICAGO: because these Bears are made out of tissue paper

ATLANTA (-1.5) over Green Bay: because Matt Ryan is something like 16-1 at home (I know the one loss is right)

OAKLAND (-2.5) over Miami: because Tyler Thigpen was Miami's third string quarterback for a reason

SEATTLE (+2) over Kansas City: because Seattle just won't die!

St. Louis (+3.5) over DENVER: because Denver can't wait to die

INDIANAPOLIS (-2.5) over San Diego: because you bet against Peyton Manning in a nationally televised game at your own peril

SAN FRANSISCO (-1) over Arizona: because Kurt Warner made it all the way to the Dancing With the Stars semi-finals

Last week: 10-6
Thanksgiving: 2-1
Overall: 76-80-5

MIAMI (-1.5) over Chicago

Breaking news: Chad Pennington is actually made entirely out of chiffon and sugar crystals. I wish that there was a place that I could have gambled on him re-injuring himself during his first game back.

Oakland (+7) over PITTSBURGH

Did you see the way New England's defense just forced themselves on Ben Roethlisberger last week? That was not right.

Houston (+7) over NY JETS

The unluckiest team in the league (we've all seen the Hail Mary, right? Jesus Christ) vs. the luckiest (scraped out two overtime wins on the road against teams that a legit contender should be able to handle thanks to crazy fumbles and horrible time management by their opponents). Karma fucking owes this game to Houston.

Baltimore (-10) over CAROLINA

I think the fact that Jimmy Clausen wasn't a first round pick gives Carolina cover to take another quarterback in next year's draft. The fact that he wasn't a first round pick also proves that sometimes, the NFL actually seems to know what the fuck they are doing.

TENNESSEE (-7) over Washington

This actually makes me feel bad for the Eagles player who was blocking Haynesworth. Just because Fat Albert wants to lay on the ground like he's looking for a cookie he lost under the sofa doesn't mean the defender wants to stand around with his dick in his hand.

Detroit (+6.5) over DALLAS

Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's hold on just a second, Dallas fans. I believe the term of art for this situation is "let's not start sucking each others dicks just yet."

Green Bay (-3) over MINNESOTA

I've heard the phrase "all-in" alot to describe this Vikings season. Bringing back Brett Favre. Trading for Randy Moss. But doesn't keeping Brad Childress as your head coach mean you were going all-in with Queen-Jack off-suit?

Buffalo (+5.5) over CINCINNATI

I hate fucking Cincinnati. Why? Because I can never remember how to spell it. Is it the N or the T that gets doubled I CAN NEVER REMEMBER FUCK YOU CINNCINATTI. Also Carson Palmer is the personification of everything that is dumb about fantasy football. He's having a good fantasy season, yet is probably the 28th quarterback you'd actually want on your team (I'd probably take him over whatever the fuck is happening in Carolina and Arizona, but that's about it).

JACKSONVILLE (-1.5) over Cleveland

I can't tell which of these teams is going to be let down more - Jacksonville after the Hail Mary, or Cleveland after two straight weeks of competitive games against the best teams in the AFC - so I'm just taking the home team and calling it a day.

Kansas City (-8) over ARIZONA

Is it necessary to have a quarterback? Couldn't you just have the center hike the ball, let it roll around, maybe somebody picks it up, or it just gets kicked around? I mean, just see what happens, right? These are the questions Arizona should be asking itself right about now.

NEW ORLEANS (-11.5) over Seattle

Seattle has to be one of the worst division leaders in the history of the NFL. I can't wait to bet against them when they get a playoff home game.

Atlanta (-3) over ST. LOUIS

Look: I'm a huge Steve Spagnuolo fan, and I love what he has done with St. Louis, but Atlanta is the best team in the NFC right now. Three points is a slap in the face.

Tampa Bay (+3) over SAN FRANSISCO

San Fransisco is another team a la Dallas that is rushing into some mutual fellatio.

NEW ENGLAND (-3.5) over Indianapolis

This is an Indy team that is winning solely on the skill of its quarterback and the confidence instilled from years of success. Which makes it all the more upsetting to me that they embarrassed the Giants so badly when they played.

PHILADELPHIA (-3) over NY Giants

While I expect the Giants to put up more of a fight than the Redskins, mobile quarterbacks have always KILLED the Giants because they neutralize their best asset (aggressive pass rush). This game is definitely Bad Newz for the Giants.

Denver (+10) over SAN DIEGO

11 weeks in, and San Diego STILL has the #1 rated offense and defense, and they are STILL under .500. They are putting the "special" in special teams.

Last week: 5-9
Overall: 64-73-5

Baltimore (+1) over ATLANTA

Less because I have a strong opinion and more to mollify an enraged sister-in-law Selma, who was so furious that I didn't pick Baltimore last week that she only cooked me one delicious dinner while she was visiting.

INDIANAPOLIS (-7) over Cincinnati

I'm not the only one who considered the possibility that Austin Collie might have been dead, right?

JACKSONVILLE (-1.5) over Houston

That Gary Kubiak continues to have a job coaching the perennially underachieving Texans is one of the great ongoing mysteries of the NFL.

Tennessee (-2) over MIAMI

Chad Pennington is a white flag, not a solution.

Minnesota (-1) over CHICAGO

The only thing more nauseating than watching Brett Favre celebrate after Minnesota's miracle win last week was that three of the remaining seven people in my suicide pool all escaped unscathed because of it.

BUFFALO (-2.5) over Detroit

This is a matchup for the ages: never have I seen two teams more adept at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Detroit shot themselves in the foot so many times last week they had to reload. And only Buffalo could lose a game by three points in which the only scoring was three touchdowns by both teams. There were no field goals (the difference was a missed extra point and two-point conversion attempt by Buffalo and a made two-point conversion attempt by Chicago). Amazing!

CLEVELAND (+3) over NY Jets

To anybody who is surprised by the success of Cleveland under rookie quarterback Colt McCoy: how could he not succeed? His name is COLT MCCOY!! He sounds like he was forged out of steel at the 50 yard line of Lambeau Field, or sprang forth from the forehead of Johnny Unitas. He is a quarterback and also has the same name as a gun!

TAMPA BAY (-6.5) over Carolina

I love a coach that has the tenacity to ruin the confidence of not one, but two young quarterbacks at the same time. Well done, John Fox.

Kansas City (-1) over DENVER

Josh McDaniels is the anti-Colt McCoy.

St. Louis (+6) over SAN FRANSISCO

This is just out of principle: a 4-4 team should not give almost a touchdown to a 2-6 team. I don't care what you think, Mike Singletary's Enormous Cross.
 

Buffalo (+3) over Chicago

Nobody gets capitalized because Buffalo is technically the home team, but this game is in Toronto which is the wrong goddamn country. Fact which Buffalo fans can use to get themselves to sleep at night: this is one hell of a good 0-7 team.

HOUSTON (+3) over San Diego

Logic demands it, and Football Outsiders confirms it: if a football team has the #1 rated offense, #1 rated defense, and a losing record, they must have some historically bad special teams. Your 2010 San Diego Chargers!

CAROLINA (+6.5) over New Orleans

Apparently we are having a special this week on picking home dogs to cover.

Arizona (+8) over MINNESOTA

I've seen alot of bad personnel moves in my day, but a third-round pick for 4 weeks of Randy Moss running half-speed is an all-timer.

Tampa Bay (+8.5) over ATLANTA

Jesus CHRIST I LOVE THE UNDERDOGS THIS WEEK GIVE ME YOUR DELICIOUS POINTS

NY Jets (-4) over DETROIT

Look, there is a perfectly good explanation for the Jets getting shutout at home after their bye week last week, and I'm going to give it to you right nowHEY LOOK OVER THERE ITS AN ALLIGATOR FIGHTING AN ELEPHANT

Since we live in a country where economic collapse directly attributable to Republican policies leads to an election where we all run out and vote for Republicans - we are all, collectively, too stupid to draw a straight line that extends further out than six months - it makes sense that a tightly plotted, unpredictable, well-acted, and exciting new show would have some of the worst ratings on TV. Ladies and gentleman, I give you: Terriers.

Listen: I don't want to make my recommendation that we all watch Terriers into a forum for me to carry the fuck on about everything wrong in the world, but between work deadlines, exam studying, and conferences, I haven't really had the time to vent properly and now I'm ready to burst like a boiler with a malfunctioning relief valve FUCK ME EVEN MY METAPHORS ARE ALL ENGINEERING RELATED NOW. Here are some shows that are actual TV shows and not 30 Rock punchlines (plus one show that is a joke - try to guess which one! - that have better ratings than Terriers:

Swamp People
Football Wives
Teen Mom
Captain Dildo's House of Farts
Police Women of Dallas
Steven Seagal: Lawman
I Love Money

What. The. Fuck. This is like people not going to a museum exhibit because they all got distracted watching a hobo masturbate in the street, and then electing that hobo to congress.

Okay, back to Terriers: it's the breeziest buddy private eye drama ever made about the darkest shit you've ever seen. I previously described it as Veronica Mars without the high school and the hot blonde (and the later season interference from CW execs shoe-horning in corny soapy subplots), and I stand by that. Donal Logue (in the role he was born to play!!) is Hank Dolworth, ex-cop, ex-junkie, and ex-husband. His partner is facial-hair enthusiast Britt Pollack (Michael Raymond-James), ex-thief (except when being a private investigator requires him to steal things, which is basically every episode).

Rather than run a proper agency, the two of them stumble into cases in Hank's rundown pickup truck, mostly by hassling Hank's former partner Detective Gustafson (a scene-stealing Rockmond Dunbar, who I had never heard of either but looks kind of like Charles S. Dutton in an "all black people look the same" sort of way). And stumble they do: into high stakes conspiracies, missing persons, dead bodies, drug cartels, scandalized wives, and all other manner of colorful characters. Need something hacked? Hank knows some nerds who live in a trailer by the beach. Need some drugs analyzed? That ice cream man used to be a pharmacist who got busted for dealing. Need someone taken to the hospital? TOO LATE HE DIED IN YOUR BATHROOM.

The dialogue is snappy, the turns are twisty, and the acting is terrific. What a great show: no wonder America hates it.