ST. LOUIS (+8) over San Diego

And now I have taken a strike in my 2-strikes-and-your-out-of-caring-about-this-NFL-season-anymore suicide pool, because San Diego couldn't PUNT THE GODDAMN BALL CLEANLY. San Diego sucks, and I will relish St. Louis embarrassing them by not allowing them to win by more than 8.

Kansas City (+4.5) over HOUSTON

And you, Houston, what do you have to say for yourself. Poor Suzi got herself all excited for you not sucking this year, and this is how you repay her.

NEW ENGLAND (-2.5) over Baltimore

The Patriots only have themselves to blame for what happened with Randy Moss. By not giving him a contract extension they were practically begging him to implode on the team. I hope Wes Welker enjoys being triple teamed the rest of the year.

TAMPA BAY (+4) over New Orleans

New Orleans has not played a convincing road game yet. They lost last week, they should have lost at San Fransisco. They haven't played a convincing game yet, full stop. The league is convinced that they can't run the ball, which may be in part because their game plan each week includes holding up a giant sign that says, "WE CANNOT RUN THE BALL PLEASE PLAY DEEP AGAINST OUR PASS GAME THANK YOU." God, I feel so unreasonably confident about my picks this week!!

Atlanta (+2.5) over PHILADELPHIA

Either Michael Vick isn't playing, in which case Atlanta will win, or he is but he's still going to be hurt, and will be knocked out of the game in the first half, in which case Atlanta will still win.

NY GIANTS (-10) over Detroit

That's a fuckload of points. On the other hand, I have it from a HIGHLY TRUSTED SOURCE (one of the degenerate gamblers I follow on twitter) that Calvin Johnson isn't playing for Detroit. Plus, they haven't won a game on the road since 9/11. And now they are playing in New York! Coincidence?!? Perhaps, but only because I made that fact up.

CHICAGO (-6.5) over Seattle

We learned last week that when Chicago is playing a horrible team, it doesn't matter who the QB was. And Seattle on the road is horrible.

Miami (+4) over GREEN BAY

In three weeks Green Bay has gone from Super Bowl favorite to everybody wondering when their coach is going to get fired.

Cleveland (+13.5) over PITTSBURGH

Okay, I know, it seems crazy. Rookie QB starting on the road against the best defense in football. On the other hand, consider:

- if the aforementioned rookie QB throws the ball more than 15 times it will be a shock;
- Big Ben hasn't played a competitive football game in 5 weeks;
- this is a divisional game, all of which have seemed to be very competitive this year;
- Cleveland has a good running game, which allows them to control the clock;

I'm not saying Cleveland will win. I'm just saying two touchdowns seems like alot of points, and I want them. I WANTS THE POINTS.

NY Jets (-3) over DENVER

I saw before last weekend that Denver led the league in passing yards. Then they laid an egg against Baltimore. Maybe they led the league because they hadn't played any good defenses yet?

Oakland (+6.5) over SAN FRANSISCO

On the scale of ridiculous proclamations, I rank the 49ers president declaring that his 0-5 team will still win their division somewhere between death panels and "Modern Family" winning the Emmy for Best Comedy last year.

MINNESOTA (-1.5) over Dallas

I also have Greg Oden (-4.5) over Brett Favre.

Indianapolis (-3) over WASHINGTON

These... Colts... just... won't... DIE!!!

Tennesee (-3) over JACKSONVILLE

I remember reading somewhere (I can't find it now) that Maurice Jones-Drew is an avid fantasy football player, and this year he picked himself with the number one overall pick. Which, I guess, you sort of have to do... I guess? So when he has a bad game, he has to get angry at himself as a professional AND as a fantasy owner? That'd be difficult.

Last week: 6-8

Overall: 29-44-3