Ladies, listen up: there is something wrong with you.

And I don't mean that in the typical, tired, "men and women sure are different!" stand-up comedian way of saying it. I mean it in the way that a computer programmer would mean it. You have a bug in your programming that can be exploited by hackers to steal your identity, or turn your machine into a zombie. You have all been exploited. And that hacker's name is Stephanie Meyers.

I don't know how else to explain what has happened to the Suze. The Suze has previously shown signs of being compromised, but The Hills is mere adware compared to the identity theft that has taken place regarding the Twilight Saga. I do not understand what is happening to her.

My hate for these movies goes beyond the mere fact that I am not a 13-year-old girl. I find Kristin Stewart repulsive, and her acting is so bad that not only can I not enjoy it on an ironic level, I find myself compelled to leave the room while she tries to remember her lines. And when I'm not repelled, I'm bored. Is the fact that nothing happens in these movies some sort of meta-commentary on abstinence? Like, just like Edward and Bella must abstain from sex, the movie must abstain from entertaining the audience? These are the things that I ponder while the Suze is watching Twilight on HBO for the 7th time.

Here is an actual e-mail exchange between us.

Me: Eclipse is at 46% on the tomatometer. Compared to new moon (27%) and twilight (50%). Ebert gives it two stars, and at one point asks why Edward and Jacob don't just give in already and go brokeback.

Suzi: Awesome!

What? No! Not awesome! Boring! And this is coming from somebody who not only records "This Old House" but also "Ask This Old House". I fucking KNOW from boring, okay?

And I haven't even MENTIONED the gender politics of these goddamned movies. Bella, the ineffectual heroine, who must constantly be protected by two supernatural beings, but cannot give in to her sexual desires or else she'll be either torn apart or turned into an undead monster. Also she can't remember her lines.

Do not try to defend yourselves, ladies. There would be no point. Your security has been compromised. You are all Twilight zombies.