I really had no intention of doing this. I didn't want to be just another nerd on the internet writing a review of the Lost finale. But then I read this, and this - people were actually defending the finale! - and I had to say something. Because that finale - not even the finale, really, but the whole entire final season - was a failure. If Lost as a show was a gymnastics maneuver, then last night's finale was their attempt to stick the landing. What I saw was a faceplant.

The writer's of Lost did more than just not answer a couple of lose ends. They have rendered the balance of the show unwatchable. Who could go back and re-watch it, knowing how little any of it will amount to? Hey, what's with Walt's powers? (I dunno.) What do the Others want with him? (I dunno.) Why can't women give birth on the Island? (Shrug.) What's with the polar bear? (It was brought there for experimentation - although, as the Suze pointed out last night, why couldn't they just use monkeys like everybody else? Also, what kind of experiments?) What's the smoke monster? (It's a dude that fell into a hole, who came out as smoke for some reason. Also, when he's moving, it sounds like a roller coaster going up a hill, because... um...) Why was the ghost of Jack's dad there? (It was the smoke monster leading them to water, because... well, actually, he wanted all of them dead, so why lead them to water, when he could have just waited for them to die of dehydration on the beach, rather than an elaborate ruse to blow them up on a submarine years later...) What are the whispers? (Some dead people.) Why did the Others kidnap children? (Uh... cause they are pedophiles?) Why does everything have Egyptian hieroglyphics on it? (Because the island's effects are caused by the warp drive core of an alien space ship that crash landed their in ancient times, and they are the same aliens that built the pyramids in Egypt. The donkey wheel was their attempt to re-activate it with the primitive materials they could find on the island, and when you triggered it the warp function of the drive would bend the space-time continuum and transport you somewhere else... OOPS! That ending explains something, never mind. No reason for the hieroglyphics.)

None of it matters, because none of it goes anywhere. And the show managed to ultimately disappoint even after I lowered my expectations. The writers of the show basically spent the last week running to every media outlet they could find to say that some mysteries wouldn't be solved, but ultimately they were telling a story about characters, so their resolution is what mattered.

Bullshit. BULL shit. Bullshit bullshit bullshit. Bullshit.

Nobody watched Lost because of the characters. The show was a sensation when it premiered because there was a bunch of freaky, interesting shit going on, and the viewing audience wanted to know what was behind it (also it had that one guy from the Lord of the Rings movies). The mysteries were plenty important enough when the writer's used them to hook us into the show in the first place, but when it came time to finally deliver answers, they had none. We get some fucking deus ex machina cave full of light (or, as Kevin called it last night, the island's vagina), Desmond and Jack climb around inside and play around with a rock (or, as I call it, the Island's clitoris), and then, eventually, they all die and go to Los Angeles.

Lost has always had wheel spinning, but delivered in the finales. Jack and Locke looking down into the hatch, the fail-safe key, the first flash forward, the death of Jacob - all great moments, because they were moments of promise of what was to come. But in a finale episode that couldn't just promise, and had to actually deliver, it came up empty.

And one last thing about the final moments. When Lost first premiered, and everybody was speculating about what the Island was, one of the popular theories was that they had actually all died in the plane crash, and the Island was purgatory. No, no, the writers promised. Its not that at all. Because they're all actually dead and this is really purgatory would be a stupid cop-out of an explanation, right? RIGHT?