For years, I was under the impression that Mexican restaurants as a group did a horrible job of rinsing out their dishes after washing them. How else to explain that every time I ate there, half the dishes tasted like soap? Not like a mouthful of Palmolive, but just a hint of soap. A soupcon of soap, if you will.

But that makes no sense! Everybody knows that Mexican food tastes best when eaten out of a filthy unwashed bowl. Much more authentic that way. So why would there be soap in it? Well, turns out there was no soap. There was cilantro. HORRIBLE HORRIBLE CILANTRO.

See, I have a genetic disorder, according to no less an of authority than Charles J. Wysocki of the Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia. Yes, THAT Charles J. Wysocki. As my soon-to-be-filed disability application will attest, my disorder is called cilantrophobia, and is caused by a regressive gene that is tied to making cilantro taste like soap, as well as other debilitating conditions such as bleeding heart liberalism, an addiction to Converse sneakers, and other contributions to the outward appearance of being a hipster d-bag.

And I am so sick and fucking tired of all you cilantrophiles rubbing my nose in your so-called "delicious", soapy herb. Mmm, cilantro tastes so GOOD, why don't you like it, I want to put cilantro on everything so you have to pick it out! Why don't you just fill my salsa with dirt, with dirt out of the GARBAGE, because that's where your disgusting food is headed.

But don't take my word for it. Here's what Julia Child has to say about cilantro: "I would pick it out if I saw it and throw it on the floor." That's right, Julia Child, who I know nothing about except that she was so famous and awesome at whatever it is she did that she was played in some movie by Meryl fucking Streep, thinks cilantro is gross. So by transitive proper of Meryl Streep, SUCK IT CILANTRO.