["Dear Margo" is written twice weekly at Yahoo.com. For the original column click here.]Dear Margo OC,
My best friend since elementary school (I'll call her CJ) is married to a man I have never liked (I'll call him Phil). Even when they dated I considered Phil overbearing and foolish. I pleaded with her not to marry him, but she did. I agreed to be her maid of honor because I wanted to be a supportive friend. Fast-forward 27 years. Her marriage is, to put it bluntly, a complete disaster. She talks constantly about leaving Phil but won't actually do it. Phil hasn't worked in four years, even though they are strapped financially. CJ is the breadwinner, and Phil does absolutely nothing but eat, complain and watch TV. For seven years CJ has been having an affair with a married co-worker. She fantasizes about a life with this man. Her 16-year-old daughter goes to counseling and regularly has anxiety attacks, which I suspect are from living in a household where verbal abuse and hostility are the norm. A couple of months ago, during one of their heated arguments, Phil slapped CJ hard across the face, leaving a bruise. CJ also started using me as a "cover" for meetings with her male friend. That was the limit for me. I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be a party to this mess. I have not heard from her since. Did I cross the line? Am I a bad friend?
---
After watching 27 years of a bad marriage, 7 years
of an affair, a 16 year old daughter in therapy, verbal and physical
abuse, you are putting your foot down, are you? You sure drive a hard
bargain. Any story that involves the phrase FAST FORWARD 27 YEARS is
beyond the realm of that which can be solved by an advice columnist,
even one as gifted as myself.
(Sidebar: anybody who has an
affair for 7 years while "fantasizing" about leaving her husband
doesn't actually want to leave her husband. For reasons you or I may
not be able to fathom, reasons that may point to being mentally
unstable, she likes things the way they are.)
But on to your
actual question: CJ is the bad friend for pulling you into her mess.
The only bad thing you did is put up with her bullshit this long.
---
Dear Margo OC,
I
have a 23-year-old daughter who is in her third year of medical school.
She has always been levelheaded about most things but has little
experience in the relationship area. Recently she met a man four years
older than she. He is working, stable and seems to be a very nice
person based on what she has told me. The problem is he is not
educated. He joined the military right out of high school, served for
four years and is now working for the federal government.
In
some ways I feel that one's educational level should not matter. In
other ways I feel that attending college rounds you out in ways that
can't happen without that experience. My daughter is somewhat
uncomfortable about the disparity in educational levels, and my husband
is quite upset about it. His feeling is that we have put too much of a
premium on education in our family for my daughter to even consider
dating someone who is not college educated. Any thoughts on how we
should deal with this? ---
You mean other than go fuck yourselves?
In
what ways, exactly, do you feel that one's educational level should not
matter, when selecting a gardener? That sentence was so full of shit I
needed to hire an uneducated Mexican to pump it all out for me. I can
tell that you and your husband have plenty of education, because you've
been able to come up with an equation: college = money. Somebody who
didn't go to college must be... *takes a deep breath* ...POOR!
In
your view, your daughter is dating someone below her station. Not
because there's anything wrong with him: your daughter isn't dating a
high-school dropout who spends his days smoking dope and watching
Maury. He's a grown man with a stable job and treats your daughter
nicely. He's just... POOR. Yucky.
So, to get back to answering
your question... no, there really is only one way I can think of for
you and your husband to deal with it: go fuck yourselves.
