I have never watched the Grammys start-to-finish before in my life. In fact, the only awards show I have ever sat through start-to-finish is the Oscars, for the only reason somebody sits through something that would otherwise be boring: they have gambled on the outcome.

I had not gambled on the outcome of the Grammys, although in retrospect I wish I had. Guessing the winner of various categories proved ridiculously easy, especially if either Beyonce or Taylor Swift were among the nominees. Guessing the loser of the night was also easy: whoever had to sit behind Lady Gaga and her hat made of piles and piles of sparkly triangles.

At one point I wondered aloud if, in fact, Lady Gaga and Pink had gotten into a glitter fight the night before, when Pink emerged from backstage wearing nothing but glitter and bed sheet. Then, at some point during the performance, the bed sheet disappeared, and what had been a musical performance became a sneak peak at the next Cirque du Soleil, with Pink hanging 40 feet above the audience and, improbably, shooting water everywhere. I do not remember the name of the song.


If such a show can have a highlight, it was either Stephen Colbert standing on stage reading the nominees for Song of the Year from his iPad, and then asking Jay-Z: "Oh, you didn't have one in your gift bag?" or it was Stephen Colbert's Christmas album winning for Comedy Album of the Year, and Stephen on stage asking his daughter if he was finally cool. If such a show can have a lowlight (spoiler alert: it can), then it was Taylor Swift and her unsettling lack of breasts winning award after award, with, I can only assume, Kanye chained up in the basement howling in uncontrollable, auto-tuned rage.