["Dear Prudence" is published every Thursday on Slate.com. For the original article, click here.]Dear Prudence,
I'm a new teacher at a private tutoring firm. We give one-on-one lessons to kids ages 13 to 18. I've twice had the experience of sitting at a table with a male student and seeing the student "adjust" himself. Both times, the student actually put his hand down his pants. The first time, I was so shocked I couldn't hide the expression on my face, and the 17-year-old asked what was wrong. I told him firmly but kindly that it was not appropriate to do that in public and that if he was ever uncomfortable, he should use the bathroom. The second time was with a 14-year-old student. I tried not to say anything, but then he started typing on my computer, so I had to say, "It's not appropriate to put your hands down your pants in public." He protested, "Well, it itches!" I replied that scratching there in public, especially going inside the pants, was still inappropriate. When he left, I broke out the Lysol and germ wipes. Did I handle this in an acceptable manner? What should I do if it happens again? And shouldn't teenage boys already know not to do this?
--Desperate for a Public Service Announcement to Teenage Boys
Dear Desperate,
It is not uncommon, as a man, to hear how easy I have it. Women and
their reproductive organs are complicated and troublesome. They have
periods. They have PMS. They have babies that ruin their bodies and
stretch out their vaginas like the waistband on an old pair of pants -
it doesn't break, but you can't really wear them without suspenders
anymore.
But guys didn't get off scot free either, my dear. We have balls. And balls suck.
They dangle. They itch. They sweat. They make a great target for women
with PMS. They make us act like morons sometimes. And just like part of
becoming a woman is learning to deal with all your womanly problems,
part of becoming a man is learning how to deal with your junk.
Correcting a teenage boy on proper ball-adjustment etiquette is part of
your role as a teacher to teenage boys. So while you did fine, you
might want to re-calibrate your shock meters. Also, if the idea of a
man touching his balls causes you to break out the germ wipes, then you
better keep them handy: they all do it. They just get better at hiding
it with age.
---
Dear Prudence,
My father is a severe alcoholic in his late 70s. Most of my life, he
has been emotionally absent due to the drinking, and I never had much
connection with him, even though we lived in the same house. He has
recently been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer (probably due to his
years of chain-smoking and heavy drinking), and he doesn't have much
longer to live. My mom wants me to prepare a eulogy for his funeral
since I am their only child. The problem is that I have nothing good to
say about my father! He wasn't a bad or mean person, but I remember him
mostly as some guy passed out on our couch. I'm not sure what to do--my
mom will be heartbroken if I can't come up with something nice to say.
What should I do about this?
--A Dutiful Daughter?
Dear Dutiful,
A few years ago, I attended a birthday party for my Uncle. Cousin Eric
told a lovely story about going out for ice cream when he was early in
his teens, and then attending a movie afterwards. When it came time to
pay for the ticket, my uncle "accidentally" shoved the ice cream cone
into Cousin Eric's face so that the ice cream would hide his bad
teenage whiskers, and he could get the discounted under-12 ticket. Does
it matter that Cousin Eric fabricated this entire story? No, it does
not. Nobody knew. Just like nobody will know when you make a bunch of
shit up.
---
Dear Prudence,
For years, I have taken piano lessons from an instructor, with whom
I've become very close friends. We frequently go out to dinner together
and chat outside of my scheduled lessons. But while our friendship has
blossomed, my piano skills have suffered. Out of curiosity, I took a
lesson with another instructor and found that I learned more from him
in half an hour than I have from my friend in three years! In addition,
this new instructor charges much less. Lately I have been taking
lessons from both of them in order to save my friendship but also learn
how to become a better piano player. I know my friend would be
heartbroken if she found out, so I've been sneaking around like I'm
having an affair! My sanity (and my wallet) can't keep this up for much
longer. What do I do?
--Keyed Up
Dear Keyed,
If you need to keep paying for lessons in order to maintain the
friendship, then that's not a friendship. It's... what would you call a
prostitute who you were friends with? A friendstitute? Let's go with
that. Tell the friend that you've loved the lessons, but you've found
somebody who used to play in the courts of Europe as a child prodigy
and you simply can't pass up the opportunity. If your friend truly
wants to maintain the friendship, she will accept your lies.
---
Dear Prudie,
I am a 28-year-old single woman, and I am tired of being asked out on
dates via text message. My last relationship went on for several years
and ended nine months ago. I was never once asked out via text message
the last time I was single and dating. Now, however, I find that the
text-message request for a date is not only common, but it has become
the norm. I think that a guy asking me out via text message either
isn't terribly interested and can't be bothered to pick up the phone,
or is too scared to call and talk to me in person. I am looking for a
serious relationship with a man who has confidence in himself, so I
don't want to date a man who asks me out via text message, whatever his
motivation. Am I being too hard on these guys? How do I indicate that I
find this practice inappropriate without making the man on the other
end of the text think I dislike him?
--Tired of Texting
Dear GRANDMA,
I'M GOING TO TYPE THIS LETTER IN ALL CAPS SO YOU CAN HEAR ME GRANDMA
BECAUSE ALL-CAPS IS INTERNET FOR SHOUTING. I'M ALSO SENDING A COPY OF
THIS LETTER HANDWRITTEN WITH AN INK QUILL VIA PONY EXPRESS FOR FEAR OF
OFFENDING YOUR DELICATE TECHNOLOGICAL SENSIBILITIES. YOU ARE BEING WHAT
THE KIDS CALL A "FUDDY DUDDY", OR "STUPID CUNT". 20 YEARS FROM NOW,
WHEN YOU GET INTO BED WITH YOUR PILLOWS AND CATS AND SADNESS, YOU WILL
REFLECT ON WHEN GUYS USED TO HAVE THE DECENCY TO SEND TEXT MESSAGES,
INSTEAD OF VIA FRONTAL CORTEX MESSAGING. GET OVER IT.
