So you thought that the time for top 10 lists of the preceding decade were over? You wish. Jim and I are going to work through the past decade like an overweight kid running laps in gym class: nice and slow. And yes, we will likely be out of breath by the end. Also by the end, it'll be time to start our assessment of the next decade, so that should work out great!

I made the even picks, Jim the odd ones. In number (although in a couple of cases, the strange ones as well). I suppose these are all going to have to be foreign attacks because, just like Rudy Guliani said, "We had no domestic attacks under Bush."

#10: The bombing of the USS Cole

Picking a favorite terrorist attack is picking a favorite child, in that I think they should all be aborted. But when we look back on the aughts, terrorism - its occurrence, and our response to it - will be at least as important as anything Paris Hilton or Britney Spears did.

The event that really ushered in the era of terrorism was not 9/11, but actually 10/12. That was the date of the bombing of the USS Cole, when terrorists pulled up next to the ship on a tiny boat filled with over 1,000 pounds of explosives and punched a hole in the hull. If 9/11 was when terrorism finally hit the big time, then the attack on the USS Cole was when terrorism was still playing in clubs and making demo tapes, hoping for that big break.

#9: Kanye West Attacks Mike Myers, Chris Tucker, and America

In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, the good folks at NBC decided that they should help out the way that the only way that Hollywood knows how to help out in a disaster. No, they didn't go down to Louisiana and try to rescue people in a dinghy -- that's Sean Penn's thing. They held a celebrity-studded hurricane relief TV special! Yes, famous people are telling us to give money and stuff to help our the victims of Katrina.

This was before we knew exactly how nuts Kanye West was, so he -- being famous and all -- was asked to participate. Partnered with Mike Myers, Kanye started off by going off-script -- giving Myers the look of a terrified man. It's almost as if the Austin Powers star was thinking "What is this crazy person going to say next? Wait, did he just say that the television news depicts blacks as looters and whites as searching for food, even if they are doing the exact same thing? We know that's true, but did he just say that? What will this black man say next? AIIIIEEEE!!!"

What he said next, well, that was enough to not only terrorize Myers, but also poor Chris Tucker (who took time off from filming Rush Hour 10 to participate), who had to start the next segment. Don't believe me? Just watch:

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIUzLpO1kxI)

Yes, you heard that right. "George Bush doesn't care about black people." Seven words that terrorized the country. A famous, rich, outspoken black man accusing our President of outright racism. A glimmer of hope that one of hip-hop's most intriguing figures was actually an intelligent, outspoken, politically-aware man who would speak out for the plight of the black man in America. Kanye could be a Chuck D-type figure who actually crossed over to mainstream superstardom.

Unfortunately, that promise was not fulfilled. Look at his first album -- "Never Let Me Down" features the following lyrics:

"I get down for my grandfather who took my momma made her sit in that seat where white folks ain't want us to eat. At the tender age of six she was arrested for the sit-in, and with that in my blood I was born to be different. Now niggas can't make it to ballots to choose leadership, but we can make it to Jacobs or to the dealership. That's why I hear new music and I don't be feeling it. Racism's still alive, they just be concealing it."

Somewhere along the way, Kanye's promise as a socially-conscious hip-hop artist was lost. Later albums feature songs like Gold Digger (Now I ain't saying she a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke niggers), Drunk and Hot Girls, Stronger, Barry Bonds.... don't get me wrong, these songs are awesome -- as a white liberal I still enjoy the hell out of them, but now it comes with a little white liberal guilt.

You see, in the irony of ironies, Kanye has morphed into a minstrel show. It's like I'm watching Bamboozled again, except it's actually entertaining this time. Indeed, the terrorist incident that Kanye may best be remembered for is his attack on Taylor Swift at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards. Swift, who had won for best video, was assaulted by Mantan -- sorry, Kanye -- as she accepted her award for best video.

"Yo Taylor. I'm really happy for you. Imma let you finish. But Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of ALL TIME!"

 #8: US invasion of Iraq

POLITICAL COMMENTARY!

#7: 2005 7/7 London Bombings

To misquote Gabe Chomic, "Unfortunately, it seems that civil liberties don't exist in London."

If you want to understand why the capital of the UK is drifting more towards an Orwellian future of CCTV and Big Brother rather than the Sex Pistols dreams of anarchy, you need only look at these bombings. For those of you with short memories, a series of suicide bombings during rush hour on July 7th -- committed by Islamic fundamentalists who disapproved of Britain's involvement in the Iraq war -- killed a total of 56 people (including the bombers). Since the bombings, the cops in London have gone batshit. Not a week goes by where I don't see a report of a photographer being harassed by the Bobbies or Scotland Yard or whatever the fuck they call cops in England. The British government has used these attacks to take away the rights and freedoms of its citizens -- and we're talking a lot more encroachment than simply removing your shoes before getting onto a plane. Try going somewhere in London without ending up on Government-monitored CCTV -- TRY IT. You can't do it. Hell, Jason Bourne had a problem doing it, and he's a freaking kick-ass super-agent.

Oh, and we can't mention this incident without mentioning poor, dead Jean Charles de Menezes. He had the misfortune of being brown (Brazilian) and trying to get on the subway a few weeks after the attacks, and a day after a botched second bombing attack. The London police shot him in the head 7 times. IN THE HEAD, SEVEN TIMES. He didn't survive. And in the words of George W. Bush, one Brazilian dead is *a lot*.

#6: 2004 Madrid train bombings

On the morning of March 11, 2004, 191 people were killed and an astonishing 1,800 more were injured in a series of coordinated bomb attacks on Madrid's commuter train system. The attacks occurred 3 days before Spain's election, resulting in the defeat of the incumbent party, the (apparently incorrectly) named Partido Popular. In a last ditch effort to save their failing electoral chances, PP tried to blame the attacks on ETA, a Basque separatist group. The real culprits, an al-Qaeda inspired* Muslim group, spelled doom for the incumbents, as that the terrorist action was seen as a direct result of the government's unpopular choice to back the Iraq war.

Weird: in Spain, terrorist attacks get the governing party voted OUT of power, where in America, they are used as an opportunity to consolidate power. Pfft, Europe. What an upside-down continent!

*al-Qaeda inspired? What does that even mean? Is it like having a cover band? Is there such a thing as a Muslim terrorist group that isn't inspired by al-Qaeda? "al-Qaeda? Never heard of 'em. Now back on your knees, infidel!"

#5: The Underwear Bomber

You know the most important thing about being a terrorist in today's society? You need a gimmick that's going to get you play on the cable news networks. The 90s had the Unabomber, the aughts ended with the Underwear Bomber.

Yep, a Nigerian Al-Qaeda operative decided to hide explosives underneath his skivvies. He cruised through airport security and attempted to blow up an airplane on Christmas Day (take that, Jesus!). This was followed by heightened security, with travelers forced to remove all items from their bags for hand inspection before boarding flights -- delays, delays, delays!

This might end up being much higher on the list, but we really don't know the full breadth of the event as of yet. "Random" strip searches? Hours and hours on the line? The inevitable Breast Implant Bomber? Total Recall x-ray machines? Who knows, but it's not going to be fun.

I think I'm going to drive to Texas next time I visit. Not because I'm afraid of getting blown up, but because I'm afraid of the morons running the TSA.

#4: The Anthrax Scare

If 9/11 happened in a vacuum, then the explosions wouldn't have happened because there would have been no oxygen to burn. If 9/11 happened in a political vacuum, that is, if 9/11 was ONLY 9/11, the last decade unfolds much differently. But less than a week after the towers fell, envelopes with white powder started showing up in federal buildings and news offices. The Anthrax scare is what really made the country feel like it was under attack.

The best/worst part? Al Qaida had nothing to do with it. That honor belonged to Bruce Edward Ivins, a mentally unbalanced scientist working in a laboratory in Fort Detrick. At least, that's what the FBI would have you believe; Ivins committed suicide before the investigation was completed. That, my friends, is the stuff conspiracy theories are made of.

#3: The Bottle Plot

Dateline, 2006. A bunch of people decide that they should use liquid explosives hidden in shampoo bottles to blow up an airplane. The result? I can't take a freaking bottle of shampoo or tube of toothpaste with more than 2 ounces of fluid on an airplane. THANK YOU TERRORISTS! (sarcasm alert)

Let me just take a minute to mention something about all these terrorists. Why do they keep trying to blow up airplanes? Are they stupid? Do they want a challenge? Is this like playing Dr. Mario on level 20 instead of level 1 -- a lot harder to beat, but oh so rewarding if they win.

I ride a commuter train into Manhattan every day. There is *no security*. You want to fuck with the US, terrorists? Set off a bomb when the train is in the *only tunnel linking New Jersey Transit/Amtrak and midtown* and you can cripple transportation in and out of NYC for long enough to really piss people off. Stop playing Dr. Mario at level 20, terrorists!

#2: The Shoe Bomber

What is it that terrorists hate about airplanes? And not just airplanes, but airplane passengers. I don't mean because they try to blow up airplane passengers. For every passenger they've tried to blow up, they've claimed hundreds of other lives one pinprick at a time. In fact, you could make a case that The Shoe Bomber attack was one of the deadliest terrorist attacks of all-time.

How much of your life do you lose everytime you get in an airport security line because everybody has to take off their shoes? 30 seconds? 1 minute? 2 minutes? More? We've all gotten pretty good at it, so lets say that you are delayed in an airport security line an extra 2 minutes because of the shoe screenings. According to the Bureau of Transportation Statisics, there have been 4,944,369,000 airplane boardings since the Shoe Bomber asshole was taken down in December 2001. At 2 minutes each, the total time lost to shoe screenings over this time period are 18,814 years. Unbelievable, right? If the average life expectancy is 75 years, that adds up to 250 lifetimes.

That's less than some other terror attacks. But this one just keeps on killing: I don't see the shoe screenings stopping anytime soon, do you?

#1: Janet Jackson's Breast Terrorizes America

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOLbERWVR30

Perhaps no other event has changed our society as much as the halftime show at Super Bowl XXXVIII. Halftime performers Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake ended the performance of "Rock my Body" with the most famous "wardrobe malfunction" of all time. Timberlake, who was to remove part of Jackson's outfit to reveal a red leotard underneath, instead removed it to reveal her big, beautiful, naked, black breast. The telecast cut away immediately to commercial, causing folks to go "What the hell did I just see?"

Thankfully, we have the Internet and DVRs. Freeze frames were quickly available on the Internet, at blown-up, enhanced resolutions. There was no question about it: Janet Jackson had just flashed the world.

Now, if our world made sense, this wouldn't be a big deal. I mean, we're watching the championship game of one of the most violent sports imaginable. At least once a season, a player will take a hard hit and be layed out flat on the ground for minutes. During the playoffs last year, during the Ravens/Steelers game, there were a few moments where I thought there was a dead player on the field. With all this violence, why would anyone be concerned about a split-second shot of a bare breast?

Oh, wait, I forgot. People in America go apeshit when it comes to sex. Seriously. Breasts are ok in public if a baby is hanging off of it, but in no other context. I even worry about going shirtless at the beach because someone may take offense to my giant man-boobs. (Ok, that's not true. I burn easily and I am very self-concious about my giant man-boobs. But everyone needs an excuse). And let's not forget that this was a white man and a black woman. For those of us living in the civilized part of the country, this might not be a big deal. But for those of you stuck in the south... don't forget that in 2009 (yes, 2009!) a Louisiana judge refused to marry an interracial couple.

As a result of the split-second nipple shot, we lost live TV. Live televised events are now shown on a several-second delay, giving censors enough times to bleep or cut-away in the event of any type of shenanigans. The FCC ramped up fines for indecency after the event -- by 1000 percent. That $25,000 fine you got prior to the Jackson incident? $250,000.

You want to know why you have to buy satellite radio to listen to Howard Stern now? Janet Jackson. Despite the shock jock's years of run-ins with the FCC over decency, it took the Jackson incident to push him off the public airwaves.

And the logic behind all this? We're protecting the children. We need to protect the children. Let's protect the GOD DAMNED CHILDREN.

You know what I say? Fuck the children. The only reason the children know anything is wrong is because the parents are going apeshit. If the parents didn't go apeshit, than seeing the boob would be a non-event. This is yet another case of society's reaction to an incident allowing the terrorists to win.

Wait, you were expecting 9/11 to be #1? That's so September 10th at this point, it's not even funny.