It's less than a week until Christmas. The weekend has come and gone. You have bought nothing, and are panicked. Listen: I understand, and I can help, as long as you follow this simple rule. There is no problem in life that cannot be fixed by throwing money at it. It works for the economy, it works for health care, and it can work for Christmas.
To help out you last-minute shoppers who can only salvage this season of giving through one last ostentatious display of consumerism, we have uncapped the amounts and unrestricted the category. Any gift, any price, anything to make your loved ones forgive you for a year of neglect and abuse. Happy X-Mas!
Kevin suggests a PS3 ($299 on Amazon)
As with most nerds, I've laughed at the PS3 for years. Who can forget that it retailed at six hundred United States dollars?
Or that exclusive after exclusive turned out to be a bust? Remember
Lair? I didn't think so. Then even after HD-DVD died Blu-Ray movies
still didn't take off.
Well all of that has changed. The price is reasonable. The
exclusives are good: Uncharted 2, Little Big Planet, God of War 3.
Blu-Rays seem to have finally settled in and the catalog is expanding
reasonably quickly. If you had to pick one, I'd probably still go with
an Xbox, but I don't think most of our readers are hobos (Jesse's hair
excepted).
Also, there's one trump card that makes it damn near impossible to
ignore: The Last Guardian. If you're wondering what the hell that is,
it's the upcoming game from the studio behind Ico and Shadow of the
Colossus. You're drooling now, totally understandable. Look at
this trailer from E3,
and make sure you click the HD button. It's an early build, hopefully
they will rework the model for the kid since it looks like ass right
now. I don't even know what the gameplay is going to be, I guess you
ride around a giant flying rat and maybe solve puzzles? The one thing
I do know is that it'll be amazing. Also that the rat will end up
sacrificing itself for you at the end in a touching scene that will
make grown ass men cry like small children with skinned knees.
Jim suggests an Animatronic Talking Elvis ($79 on Amazon)Look,
who *doesn't* want an animatronic talking Elvis? Exactly.
Everyone needs one. Everyone. Even the littlest of hound dogs living
down at the heartbreak hotel. You know, down at the end of Lonely
Street. Which you can walk down when you wear your blue suede shoes.
That's why WowWee created the Talking Elvis. The King, circa 1968 (not
yet fat Elvis), will tell you 37 stories about his life. And he'll sing
eight songs --That's All Right, Hound Dog, Heartbreak Hotel, Love Me
Tender, Jailhouse Rock, Blue Suede Shoes, Trouble, Baby What You Want
Me To Do. I know, Suspcious Minds and In the Ghetto should be options,
but nothing is perfect.
And it gets better, it includes a microphone that
allows you to SING ALONG WITH ELVIS. You're never going to have
anything closer to Elvis in your living room unless you go and dig up
his grave and plop down the corpse on your couch and start stuffing
peanut butter and banana sandwiches into his decaying mouth.
Ok, I'll stop. Look, the only thing better would be
a WowWee Alive Talking Elvis would be a WowWee Alive Talking Wayne
Newton. Sadly, I'm the only person who would buy that one.
(PS -- this is on my Amazon wishlist. HINT HINT HINT)
The Suze suggests a pet tea-cup pigSticking
with the animal theme christmas, i recommend that you buy everyone you
know a miniature tea-cup pig. And why not? They're adorably small,
intelligent, on par with a dog as far as taking care of them, they
don't shed and are cheaper than a pedigree pooch. You
can get a black one from $300-800 or a pink one for $450-1000 (that may
be racist--but I'm not sure). This gift will baffle, confuse, excite
and anger anyone you get it for. And can we say pork rinds? Well, when
your pig passes away of course. Sicko!
Jesse suggests a Kymco ScooterThe
freedom of the open road. Sounds good, right? Well, then get a fucking
motorcycle that goes faster than 40 mph. But if you want the freedom of
your local avenues, then by all means get a scooter. Here's an analogy.
Motorcycles : scooters :: Family Guy : Futurama. Motorcycles are more
popular, but are loud and sometimes really annoying. Scooters are
underappreciated and secretly way, way cooler.
Daytrader suggests Life Cereal
Dear Life Cereal, Where do you get off? Part of a balanced breakfast
AND delicious? Who do you think you are? By now, you may have guessed I
am speaking ironically and have nothing but good things to say about
what you do. Life Cereal, do not change a thing.
