I read alot of advice columns. This time of year, a very common question is: I have a complicated relationship with my mother/father/step-father who raped me but I was kind of into it/baby mama's mama and I want to know what I should get this person for Christmas. Through a combination of copping out, wanting to look magnanimous, and not having any actual good ideas, the advice columnist will invariably say: make a charitable donation in their name!
Charitable donation in there name? In other words, nothing. You get nothing. Its the ultimate "fuck you" present. Hi, what did you get me for Christmas? Oh, I gave some strangers a bunch of money and said it was from you. Oh, that's great, but what did you get ME for Christmas. That WAS your Christmas present, FUCKER.
Awesome.
Jim suggests donating to This American LifeAlright, I know that everyone's purse strings are tight this
year.. but if you're like me, you listen to the This American Life
podcast every week. (If you don't, you should start. It's an amazing
radio program. I blogged about it
before.)
The podcast is free, but the radio station still
has to pay to produce the show and cover bandwidth and web hosting
costs. According to host, and tall Jew, Ira Glass, if every podcast
listener donated a dollar it would more than cover the costs of the
bandwidth. So skip the Quad Venti 3-Pump Soy White Chocolate Peppermint
Mocha latte at Starbucks for one day and give the five bucks to Ira. Or
do like I did, get the latte anyway and give ten bucks to Ira.
The Suze suggests donating to the ASPCA
Ok. We've all seen them. The Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials with her soft voice over clips of
sad, abused and neglected animals.
And if you don't at least think of tearing up, than you're history's
greatest monster. Well, speaking from experience of almost losing a
close member of the family (Missy) the ASPCA was the first place I
turned to. They were helpful, encouraging and, as I looked through cage
after cage of missing/neglected kitties, in need of desperate help.
This is a great cause especially if your children are your animals (at
least you don't have to afford their college education). Not convinced?
Go watch my first gift recommendation and then get back to me.
Daytrader recommends donating to the American Brain Tumor Association
Have you ever had a brain tumor? Probably not. You know who HAS had a
brain tumor? Me. Do you know what's awesome about having a brain
tumor*? Getting a hair cut and showing off your surgery scar and
picking up hot chicks. You should try it some time, but oh yeah,
that's right, you've never had a brain tumor asshole.
Does the American Brain Tumor Association (or ABTA as we call it in the
biz) need any more explaining? Their mission states: "The American
Brain Tumor Association exists to eliminate brain tumors through
research and to meet the needs of brain tumor patients and their
families." I would think that eliminating brain tumors by some
surgical procedure would work better than "research", but hey, I'm no
brain surgeon.
Need more convincing? Go to their website and look at their logo. It
kinda looks like a penis with a giant head and a tiny, funny looking
shaft, but hey, don't all penises look funny when you think about it.
Gross...stop thinking about penises you pervert and give these people
money!
* assuming that you don't have terminal cancer from the tumor
Kevin suggests donating to Doctors Without Borders (again)
Charity as a gift can be tricky: you have to find something that
both you and the giftee would agree on. And there are are plenty of
charities that are basically self perpetuating fundraising machines or
have a ridiculous niche. For example, fat sweaty neckbeards raise
millions of dollars every year to
buy terminally ill rich white children Nintendos.
I'm sure they'd much prefer that than experimental
treatments/research. Sometimes they cut ideologically as well:
donating a thousand dollars to the NRA or the ACLU might be a good gift
for some people, but not others.
One choice that is simply unimpeachable is Doctors Without
Borders. It's such a solid choice I'm reusing it from last year, deal
with it. By every standard, they come out well, a full four stars and
a 60+ rating on
Charity Navigator. It's a totally neutral, privately funded organization: they send doctors into wartorn and impoverished areas.
Some people select which foundation to give to based on metrics and
stars and Charity Navigator ratings. Not me. I base it on who has the
awesomest appeal. Occasionally I base it on who has the most antelopes.
Well, you can't beat this one:
won't name a building after you
can't offer an Acoustiguide tour
doesn't plan costumed or themed galas
has no wall texts,
or Facebook friends
is very far away
has antelopes
...therefore,
would you please consider making an end of the year, tax-deductible contribution to the Chinati Foundation?
Why, yes I would, Chinati Foundation. Yes I would.
