I have good news for all you traumatized gamblers who can no longer read this column on your mobile device because Daytrader's horrible picks have either caused you to pawn it, or you cannot operate it with your grotesquely mangled thumbs. The self-correcting nature of the universe has sprung in to action and destroyed his internet connection, leaving him unable to disseminate his wretched gambling advice on an unsuspecting population.

Not all news is good, however: my internet connection is just fine. (Home teams listed in CAPS.)

BROWNS (+10) over Steelers

When Pittsburgh lost in Kansas City three weeks ago, they did something far worse than lose to a bad team and harm their playoff chances in the process. They gave the Suze a strike in our suicide pool. Suze may not be a football expert. She may insist on calling football teams by their corresponding baseball team names (she was very pissed when the Royals beat the Pirates). But that doesn't matter. What matters is that the Steelers are on the wrong side of Suze mojo and I will be betting against them every opportunity that I get. Suze mojo turned Bruce Gradkowski into Joe motherfucking Montana last week. Stay out of its way.

Confidence points: 1

Saints (-10.5) over FALCONS

Last week, I saw lots of people in Atlanta cheering for Michael Vick. These people all had something in common. Some particular trait. You might say that their was something coloring their opinion of Vick, something that made them race out and cheer for him. And that trait is that the Falcons suck, and they had to root for something. What did you think I was talking about?

Confidence points: 11

Packers (-3) over BEARS

Only 3 points? Is it possible for me to put more than 16 confidence points on this game? Yeah, yeah, division game, Bears at home, blah blah blah. Two teams headed in two different directions.

Confidence points: 16

Broncos (+7) over COLTS

Okay, hear me out. The following are true facts.

The Broncos have more wins against teams with winning records than anybody else in the league.
The Colts have only 6 wins by more than 7 points. Of their 6 home wins, only 2 have come by more than a touchdown.

Convinced yet? No?

Confidence points: 10

Bills (PK) over CHIEFS

Sometimes a line makes no sense. There are only two possible reasons. One, I am an idiot (possible). Two, there is something the oddsmakers know that I don't. Either way, I recognize what my gut is telling me: stay out of the way.

Confidence points: 2

Bengals (+6.5) over VIKINGS

Vegas may have shrugged off Favre's horrible performance last game and the second half of last year, but you know better. Right?

Confidence points: 8

PATRIOTS (-13.5) over Panthers

Another classic "Angry Redneck" game for the Pats, where the Pats are the drunk angry redneck coming home from a rough day at the coal mine, and the Panthers are their wife on who he will be taking out all his frustration on (see: whupping of the Jets after that loss to the Colts). At home, coming off of two excruciating losses, against a team that will either be starting a career backup or Jake the TAINT* Delhomme at QB? Better turn up the TV now, neighbors, cause its going to get ugly. 

*Touchdown After INT, the alternative to Pick Six as proposed by Bill Simmons

Confidence points: 7

Jets (-3) over BUCCANEERS

The Bucs rolled up over 500 yards of offense last week, and scored only 6 points. Six! Enough yards to go the length of the field five times, and  only 6 points? Plus, you know the Jets will win the next 3 games before disappointing their fan base with a Week 17 loss that knocks them out of the playoffs.

Confidence points: 6

JAGUARS (-2.5) over Dolphins

The Dolphins have a bad habit of playing down to the level of their competition. That's why they can beat the Patriots one week, and lose to Buffalo another week. In other words: another stay away game from a stay away team.

Confidence points: 5

Lions (+13) over RAVENS

The Ravens point totals in their last 5 games: 14, 20, 15, 16, 7. For a team averaging barely more than 2 touchdowns a game over the last month, 13 points sure seems like alot.

Confidence points: 4

TEXANS (-6) over Seahawks 

The Texans crumbled under the weight of expectations this season. Now that they are solidly out of the playoffs and barely within shouting distance of .500, those expectations are gone, and they can once again get everybody's hopes up for the future. This one will be a blowout.

Confidence points: 13

Rams (+13) over TITANS

Yes, I still believe in Tennessee. Maybe I'm just trying to justify the fact that I put 16 confidence points on them last week, but they definitely could have won that game. It was much closer than the final score indicated. The game basically ended on a 4th and 5 with the game still close, when Tennessee elected to have Vince Young throw a fade route to their rookie wide receiver on maybe the most important play of their season so far. Chris Johnson is still alive, right?

Having said that, 13 points seems like a lot.

Confidence points: 3

RAIDERS (+1) over Redskins

One team is playing at home after an emotional win over an AFC powerhouse. The other is flying across the country after a much-talked about embarrassment in New Orleans. What am I missing here?

Confidence points: 12

Chargers (+3) over COWBOYS

Wait, wait, wait... I'm GETTING points for a division leader on a 7 game winning streak against Tony Romo in December? And its not even my birthday!

Confidence points: 15

GIANTS (-1) over Eagles

This game was decided earlier in the week, when the Eagles gave Andy Reid a 3-year contract extension. This game ends with the clock expiring as the Eagles try to line up for a game winning field goal because Reid and McNabb both forget that they have a timeout left. Jim is gently weeping right now. There there, Jim.

Confidence points: 9

Cardinals (-3) over NINERS

The hell with the Titans. I believe in Arizona(tm). Thank you, Jesus, for healing Kurt Warner's brain.

Confidence points: 14