As the credits rolled at the end of the 7-plus hour epic that is New Moon (at least it felt like 7 hours), I pondered some questions. The first question - why had I just watched New Moon - proved unanswerable, so I moved on. The second question - why did New Moon just make seven hundred bazillion dollars - proved difficult, but I have a theory I will share with you now.

Girls want to feel loved. Some girls DO feel loved. Those are girls who are attractive, fun, and sexually promiscuous. Everybody loves those girls. Unfortunately, not all girls can be that. Some are like the heroine in Twilight - ugly, boring, sullen, and abstinent.

Sidebar: yes, Kristen Stewart is ugly. If you told me that she used to be a man, I would comment on the quality of the sex change operation, but I wouldn't refuse to believe it, either.

Twilight is a fantasy for those girls that have at least 2 of the above four traits. Ugly and sullen? Boring and abstinent? Ugly and boring? Then this movie is for you.

Sidebar 2: If you are under 15 years old, it is understandable that you are sullen, and recommended that you be abstinent. So there exists a girl of a certain age for which Twilight's popularity is perhaps a good thing. If you are 19 years old and swooning for the walking, talking douchebag that is Robert Pattinson, then I regret to inform you that he is not interested in somebody who could eat an entire bag of frosted Donettes while watching his movie, fatty.

If you are looking to remake Romeo and Juliet into a big screen hit or a blockbuster book series, then there is one detail you must change. Keep the bit about the star crossed lovers, the warring clans, and the dashing young lad. But change Juliet from a lovely intelligent young woman to a sullen whiner who looks like a foot. Now THAT is a character today's women can apparently relate to.