[Jim and I continue our discussion of the fall TV season.  This is part three. Its the last one, I promise. Here's part two. Here's part one.]

From: Jesse
To: Jim:
Subject: In Memoriam

Jim, I'm frankly surprised at your positive response to the season premiere of House this year. "Reminiscent of Nicholson's turn as RP McMurphy?" Reminiscent? The phrase you are looking for is "embarrassingly derivative," or perhaps "face-slappingly obvious ripoff." I'm surprised the episode didn't end with Roman Polanski raping a 13-year-old girl in Hugh Laurie's living room. Was there anything at all surprising, or innovative about this episode? When House got up on stage and started rapping with his roommate, I mentally registered the first moment at which even the great Hugh Laurie, whose performance as House was always the main reason for watching the show to begin with, was unable to rescue the material given to him.

Much like the Oscars, I think we should have an "In Memoriam" section every year where we talk about those shows that died to young. Except unlike the Oscars, we'll memorialize those shows that are gone, and also those shows that are still on the air, but have gone from our hearts because they got into a car accident and are now retarded. So, please join me in pouring a forty out in the street for the following shows that are gone, and will be missed. Or won't be missed, because they are now retarded.

We talked about how terrible Heroes, now in its fourth year, had gotten last season, but this is officially the first year where I won't watch a single episode.

Parks and Recreation got a tryout from me last year. Sometimes it feels like an alternative universe version of The Office. A universe that hates laughter.

In what can only be described as an early birthday present from Jesus himself, the Suze has abandoned both Project Runway AND America's Next Top Model. Runway got the fur-lined suede boot from Suzi's schedule for the unforgivable sin of moving to Lifetime, a network which Suzi would not watch under any circumstances. She could be trying to diffuse a bomb, and if Lifetime was airing an instructional video, and Suzi still wouldn't watch. And America's Next Top Model is airing an all short models edition where every contestant is under 5' 7", which destroyed any pretense that the show had left of finding a girl who could have a viable modeling career.

In the cancellation department, we say goodbye to "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles", which was barely on long enough for me to type out its name; "Reaper", which squandered more potential than any pilot I've ever seen; and "Battlestar Galactica", which ended with a finale that was like an old man suffering from Alzheimers. It obviously didn't know where it was going when it left the house and was now wandering aimlessly, was awkward and embarrassing to watch, and by the end had pooped all over itself.

Since I've spent this whole chat being such a Debbie Downer, let me close out with a rave: Curb Your Enthusiasm is back, and it is pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good. So far we've had two episodes, and we've had two classics. Because we're running long (as usual), I only have three things to say:

1. Just because you have cancer doesn't mean you can't find the E! Channel for yourself.
2. Never make an empty gesture to a Funkhauser.
3. Don't condescend to me with your tiny pear!

Hope you don't have any trouble getting this email out of the packaging!

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From: Jim
To: Jesse
Subject: This email will end strangely abruptly

Alright, House was a Cuckoo's Nest ripoff. I don't care. It was done well -- it entertained me more than any episode I can think of from the previous season. I also enjoyed the hell out of the follow-up episode, where House did his best impression of the Next Food Network Star. (An aside, I really hope we see a lot of Bobby Moynihan as Guy Fieri on SNL this season)