This has got to be it, right? This postseason has to be the straw that breaks Bud Selig's immovability on the subject. His sport is becoming a fraud. After spending the first two rounds of the playoffs talking as much about the blown calls by the umps as the game on the field, last night was another umpiring apocalypse.
Blown call #1: The Yankees have runners on first and second with one out. Johnny Damon hits a liner down the first base line. Philly 1st baseman Ryan Howard snags the ball thisclose to the ground. Jorge Posada, who was on first, has advanced to second. After the grab, Howard immediately throws down wide of second base. Jimmy Rollins tracks it down and, while Posada stands and claps on 2nd base, he is tagged. Double play. What happened? The 1st base umpire ruled that the ball was caught on the fly, and Damon was out. Also, that means Posada needed to tag up, so he was called out. A potential back breaking rally was snuffed out.
It was also the wrong call. Daytrader, who I was on the phone with at the time because we are like 12 year old girls when sports are on, immediately called that it was a trap instead of a catch. But even more damning evidence were the actions of Howard. Why was he even throwing to second base? If he had caught it, he would have just trotted over to first and tagged the base to double up Posada. He threw down to second trying to start a double play, because he knew he trapped the ball.
This highlighted portion is important, because umpire apologists will say that, if we had instant replay, we wouldn't have known where to put the runner. In fact, Buck Showalter tried to make this case on SportsCenter last night after the game. I don't have an exact quote, but it went something like this: "If we go back in the replay and find that the wrong call was made, we still have to decide where to put the runners. Since the play might have unfolded differently if a different call was made on the field, then our best choice is to stick with the demonstrably wrong result of an inning-ending double play."
Buck, there is a reason that two teams have won the World Series immediately after you left: you are a fucking moron. Howard reacted exactly as if the ball was not caught by throwing to second. If he had attempted to pretend he caught it and doubled Posada up, then you would have a decision to make. This is not what happened.
And even if it had, maybe we wouldn't have gotten the perfect result, but we wouldn't have gotten a definitely, awfully wrong result. STUPID STUPID BUCK SHOWALTER.
But it happened, and the Phillies came up to bat, which resulted in...
Blown call #2: Mariano Rivera is pitching to Chase Utley with runners on 1st and 2nd with one out. Utley grounds a ball to Yankees 2nd baseman Cano, who spins and throws to Jeter for the out and second. Jeter then fires the ball down to Teixeira at first for an inning ending 4-6-3 double play. Except...
...yup, you guessed it, Utley beat the throw down the line by half a step, as clearly visible on instant replay. Which leads to the 2nd stupid defense of no instant replay: the makeup call.
See, the umps fixed it! They made it fair for everybody by screwing up twice. Hear that kids? Two wrongs make a right! Now go punch your sister because she just spilled your juice.
The only defense left about keeping instant replay out is that sucky umpires are somehow "part of the game." You know what else was part of the game? Not letting black people play was part of the game. That's right, I'm playing the race card. If you don't want instant replay in baseball, then YOU ARE A RACIST. You don't want to be a racist, do you?
The real reason that we never had instant replay is because the technology was never good enough. But now we have widescreen, hi-def, slo-mo video of every play from 17 angles. We can see the game better than the umps. Even they will admit it. And when the umps admit that they can no longer do their jobs, it is time to make a change.
OK...so last week I was perfect in the early games. But then I was wrong on all of the late games. So what...who cares? This week features a lot of nice underdog picks. However favorites have been consistently covering the spread every week, regardless of how ridiculously large the spreads are.
I also went 0-2 in my bold predictions last week. (Although I should get half a point for that Miami pick.) I don't know if I'll be so bold this week, but perhaps another italicized pick might slant out of the page.
Houston Texans (-3.0) vs. Buffalo Bills In a relatively weak AFC this season, the Texans are in a good spot to make the playoff run everyone has been talking about. However, they probably will suck in December like they do every year and miss out. But it's not December yet and this spread is ridiculously low for a Buffalo team that hasn't beaten anyone worthwhile, so the Texans get my pick. Confidence Points: 13
Cleveland Browns vs. Chicago Bears (-13.0) This is a spread that is way too high in my opinion. The Bears have LOST their last two games (granted both on the road) and the Browns are TERRIBLE. If Green Bay beats the Vikings and the Bears win, they're right back in the NFC North, but I smell a trap game here. The Bears may win, but I like Cleveland to cover. Confidence Points: 8
Seattle Seahawks vs. Dallas Cowboys (-9.5) Dallas gets a mediocre team at home and that should mean a win. They looked awfully impressive last week in beating the Falcons and the odds-makers proved me wrong yet again. The Seahawks are a team that either shows up and dominates or goes away fast. But Dallas has had a few hiccups in games like this. I think their win last week raises their confidence too much and the Seattle show up for this game. Confidence Points: 7
St. Louis Rams vs Detroit Lions (Off(0)) This will be the game that nobody watches. I don't know this for a fact, but I imagine that this will be blacked out in Detroit for not having a sell out. So that means the only people that will get this game are people in the St. Louis market. The funny thing is that I think this will be an exciting game. There will be lots of turnovers and probably some big plays. I think the Rams are due for a victory, but honestly I have no idea...everything I've just said is probably complete bullshit. Confidence Points: 3
San Fransisco 49ers vs. Indianapolis Colts (-12.0) There isn't much to say about this one. The 49ers have been struggling (although I think they have found a QB in Alex Smith), and the Colts are on complete cruise control. Perhaps the spread is a little high, but since it's in Indianapolis I'm going with the Colts. Confidence Points: 11
Miami Dolphins vs. New York Jets (-3.0) I've been trying to figure out why the Jets and Giants are playing at the same time. Is there another obscure Jewish holiday that starts at sundown like there was last time? But then I realized that this Sunday's Jewish holiday is Yom Brett Favre. The New York market wouldn't get to see the Viking-Packer game if the Jets played in the late game, therefore the NFL decided to put the two New York teams up against each other. Anyway, back to this game. The Jets looked great in Oakland and for a half Miami looked great against the Saints. These two teams met up a few weeks ago and Miami gave the Jets a heavy dose of the Wildcat. I think it's too soon for these two to play again and this time the Jets will be ready and will prevail. Confidence Points: 1
New York Giants vs. Philadelphia Eagles (NL) This is game one of NY vs. Philly on Sunday and this one is almost as important. The winner takes control of the NFC East (Dallas may also be in the picture) and would be a legitimate win for either team. The Giants are coming off of two losses to two very good teams and the Eagles are 1-1 against two very bad teams. I don't know how into this game the Philly fans will be with the World Series game coming up later in the day, and Brian Giant-killer Westbrook is a little banged up (although he always seems to be beat up). The road team has been winning the games the last few times these teams have hooked up, so I'm going with New York. Confidence Points: 4
Denver Broncos vs. Baltimore Ravens (-3.5) Again this is a spread that I question. The Ravens have lost three in a row and by the way the Broncos are UNDEFEATED. But the Ravens are coming off of a Bye and maybe they've figured out their defense. That said, I'm not picking against the Broncos until they show me that I should, so Denver gets the pick. Confidence Points: 5
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Tennessee Titans (-3.0) This spread CANNOT be right. The Titans are WINLESS. I know they're coming off of their Bye, but starting Vince Young is not going to magically give the Titans a win. The Jags aren't a great team, but they are better than the Titans. I'm not picking the Titans until they win a game, so go with Jacksonville. Confidence Points: 10
Oakland Raiders vs. San Diego Chargers (-16.5) Vegas is BEGGING you to pick the Raiders. Sixteen and a half points for a 3-3 team going up against a 2-4 team is ridiculous! And Oakland almost beat the Chargers in Week 1! That doesn't phase me...I'm going with San Diego even with their shitload of points. Confidence Points: 6
Minnesota Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers (-3.0) Ah, the game that has been giving FOX a hard-on since the beginning of August. Brett Favre returns to Green Bay. Do they boo or cheer? I say cheer. As for the game, both teams are pretty evenly matched. Here's the deal-breaker for me: Brett Favre is going to be extra pumped for the game, all 53 Packers are going to be pumped for this game. 53 > 1 ==> Packers get the pick. Confidence Points: 9
Carolina Panthers vs. Arizona Cardinals (-10.0) Last year in the playoffs the Cardinals exposed the weaknesses of Jake Delhomme and he had a pick-fest and the questions started. Since then he has continued to play poorly and the questions continued. On Sunday the questions will end and so will Delhomme's job as starting quarterback of the Panthers. If Carolina losses they're virtually out of the playoff picture and it will be time to look towards the future and see what else they have at that position. The Cardinals are back to Superbowl form and will win big. Confidence Points: 12
Atlanta Falcons vs. New Orleans Saints (-10.0) The Falcons fell apart in Dallas last week and now have a probably more difficult task this week on the road in New Orleans. The Saints would have lost that game last week in Miami if the Dolphins continued running their Wildcat offense in the second half. The only thing the Saints haven't done is play a divisional game. This will be their first one and these are the games they need to win. They might get the win, but I like Atlanta to bounce back and at least cover. Confidence Points: 2
1. Pedro Martinez vs. WHO'S YOUR DADDY?! *clap* *clap* *clap clap clap*
When the Yankees were getting blown out of the building to cap off the ugliness that was the 2004 ALCS, there was one bright, shining moment during the game, when the stadium once again came alive, and hope was allowed to enter the heart of Yankee nation. That moment was when, late in the game, the outcome all but assured, Pedro Martinez came in from the bullpen. The crowd immediately erupted into the who's your daddy chant, Pedro gave up 3 (ultimately meaningless) runs before being yanked, and there was a flicker of hope and joy.
I guess Charlie Manuel didn't see that game?
2. Alex Rodriguez vs. incredibly impatient Yankee fans
Sure, we wouldn't be in the World Series without you, but what have you done for me lately? After an 0-for-4 that included 3 meek strikeouts, A-Rod is one bad game (and an 0-2 Series hole) away from once again wearing the Chokemaster General's ceremonial vestments. Does it matter that the whole team not named Jeter sucked a big fatty last night? Of course it doesn't.
3. Nick Swisher vs. seriously, this is just getting sad now
It isn't even his fault. If you are at the park, and you are trying to play softball, only some retarded kid comes running onto the field and starts doing laps around the bases while falling down and clapping, its natural to get mad at the kid. But the seventh time he does it, you gotta ask, where is this kid's parents? He obviously can't help himself. Joe Girardi, please get Nick Swisher off the field so he can stop embarrassing himself.
4. Jose Molina vs. Jorge Posada
With the Yankees offense already running on horrible smelling fumes, does Girardi let AJ Burnett have his personal catcher who hits like a little girl wearing a tutu at a tea party for nancies, or does he tell him to suck it up and stop pretending he can tell Hispanic people apart?
5. Phil Hughes vs. the strike zone
Hughes' line from last night: 0.0 IP, 2 R, 2 ER, 0 H, 2 BB, 2 batters faced. For his World Series career, you need to use limit notation to show is ERA. As a matter of fact, here it is:
So You Think You Can Dance is back, and while I don't intend to cover every episode in the excruciating detail that I did over the summer, I wanted to call your attention to something.
That something is named Russell. He is the first ever krumper to make the top 20. And he is incredible. Please to enjoy the following video of his Boston audition (I'd hoped to post his solo last night, but the video wasn't yet available). At first you will want to laugh at Tyce and Nigel making their stank faces while they watch him, but then you will realize that you, too, are making a stank face. You cannot help it.
Welcome to Week 7 of the NFL. The season is almost over! I think I just shed a tear. Okay, that tear might be because of the Giants' performance over the last two weeks.
The Saints retain their top spot, but the Colts and Saints are really 1 and 1a. How good are the Colts? The undefeated talk has already begun. In fact, I think I'm beginning it.
At the bottom, a pair of 0-7 teams are fighting for the bottom spot. But who is really the worst team in the league? I smell a bold prediction!
Rank (LW)
Team
Record
Comments
1 (1)
6-0
The Saints showed resilience in coming back against the Dolphins, but they also showed their vulnerabilities.
2 (2)
6-0
The Colts, on the other hand, haven't shown a single crack the armor. They'll be 8-0 when they meet the Patriots on Sunday Night Football. If they get through that game, it might be time to start talking about 16-0.
3 (4)
6-0
Will the Broncos be able to keep their streak going when they visit a suddenly desperate Ravens team next week?
4 (5)
5-2
Insert joke about Patriots invading England here.
5 (8)
5-2
The Bengals shook off last week's loss in a big way against the Bears.
I'm going to give an early "watch" recommendation to ESPN's "30 for 30" documentary series. Consisting of 30 hourlong docs, each directed by a different filmmaker, the series is produced by resident ESPN loudmouth Boston sports fan, Bill Simmons.
So far three episodes have aired: Peter Berg's take on the Wayne Gretzky trade, Barry Levinson's film on the Baltimore Colts marching band, and Mike Tollin's autopsy of the United States Football League.
I'll be honest, Berg's film, Kings Ransom, really didn't grab me. It was good and everything, but I know so little about hockey, that I wasn't aware that Wayne Gretzky had played for a team other than the LA Kings. As a documentary, it wasn't the best film either -- it doesn't do a good job of transcending the story... or really framing the story for those of us who don't follow hockey or remember the trade.
The strength of the next two installments more than makes up from the weakness of the Berg piece. Barry Levinson's The Band That Wouldn't Die swooped in to show the true potential of the series. In 1984 the Baltimore Colts moved to Indianapolis -- quite famously, actually, without warning, in the middle of the night. Levinson turns his camera to the team's marching band, who kept performing in hopes of convincing the NFL to award a new team to Charm City. Of course, any fan of the Cleveland Browns -- or the New York Giants for that matter -- can tell you that they did. The story of the Colts' move and the band are even more interesting that the memory of the Ravens trouncing the Giants in the Super Bowl.
The third film in the series, Mike Tollin's Small Potatoes: Who Killed the USFL?, cleared the bar set by Levinson's film. Tollin, who actually worked as a TV producer for the short-lived sprint football league, gave us a documentary that featured The Donald as a villain and The Bandit as a hero. Alright, Burt's not in it that much, but when he is, he shares the screen with a giant stuffed bear. I'd be remiss in not recommending any series that gives us even a frame of Burt and his stuffed bear. Anyhoo, the USFL documentary was fantastic -- great vintage footage of the league, a compelling narrative, a bad guy, cancer, Burt, it has it all.
And coming up in the future? The next installment is directed by none other than Albert Maysles, one of the most respected documentary filmmakers ever. His resume already includes Salesman, Grey Gardens, and Gimme Shelter. Tomorrow he adds Muhammad and Larry, following an aged Muhammad Ali as he gets prepared for a 1980 title bout against Larry Holmes.
There are also films by Steve James (who gave us Hoop Dreams -- he's doing a documentary on Allen Iverson), Barbara Kopple (Harlan County USA) is tackling George Steinbrenner, Ice Cube (NWA) is going to take a look at Al Davis moving the Raiders out of LA, John Singleton (Boyz n the Hood) is going to take a close look at Marion Jones. They're even going to let Steve Nash direct a film -- I expect it to score a lot of points and lose in the playoffs.
Give "30 for 30" a chance. It airs at 8pm on Tuesday nights on ESPN, and I'm sure that the other ESPN channels rerun it incessantly. Because that's what ESPN does.
Jim is a lifelong Phillies fan. I'm a lifelong Yankees fan. If the Yankees win, Jim must furnish me with one (1) Philadelphia cheesesteak from Pat's King Of Steaks. If the Phillies win, I must furnish him with twelve (12) Kolache Factory kolaches, variety TBD. Also included is a minimum of one (1) year of bragging rights, in which the winner may declare that the sports team from his area is superior to the sports team from the loser's area.
2. CC Sabathia vs. Philly cheesesteaks
CC Sabathia will start games 1, 4, and 7 in this series. The Phillies will need to beat him at least once. So far this postseason, CC is 3-0 with a 1.18 ERA in three starts.
However, as has also been thoroughly documented here, CC Sabathia is a huge fat man. If Philadelphia fans are smart, he should open his walk-in mailbox this morning and find that it is filled with dozens and dozens of piping hot Philadelphia cheesesteaks. You probably won't be able to do too much damage for game 1, but if you play your cards right, by game 4 he should be over 400 pounds and unable to breathe under his own power.
3. Nick Swisher vs. my goddamned patience
Yes, Nick Swisher, my goddamned patience has heard all about what a great clubhouse guy you are, and how everybody loves you, and what you do for team chemistry. But my goddamned patience has also seen your .125 batting average and 1 RBI in 9 playoff games, including your popup with the bases loaded to end Game 5 of the ALCS. And you know what? My goddamned patience has had just about enough.
4. Alex Rodriguez vs. Alex Rodriguez
Based on what I've heard in the media and absolutely no research, here are A-Rod's states from previous postseasons: .000 BA, 0 HR, 0 RBI, 145 strikeouts, and 7 baby seals clubbed to death. During this postseason: 1.000 BA, 45 HR, 204 RBI, 3 kittens rescued from burning buildings, and he also gave it to Kate Hudson during the 7th inning stretch of Game 2 while everybody stood and cheered. So which one will show up in the World Series? Hide your baby seals, just in case.
I begin by admitting that last week didn't live up to the hype. As Jesse alluded to earlier in the week, the refs made that Giants-Saints game look more lopsided than it really was. The Vikings let the Ravens come back and make it a little more interesting, but the Ravens continued their new tradition of blowing it, this time with a missed field goal. And Denver proved me right by handling the Chargers. The closest games were the two overtime games between the Jags and Rams (ugh) and the Bills and Jets (double ugh).
This week isn't as loaded with marquee games like last week, but there
still are a few gems out there, so don't get too disappointed. The Vikings will get another test this week and for some reason people think that there is going to be a good game in Dallas this week. WTF! Plus, the away team is favored in 7 of the 13 games this week. May this be a good time to pick some underdogs? Let's find out.
Green Bay Packers (-9.0) vs. Cleveland Browns Do you remember when Eric Mangini was coaching the Jets and people referred to him as the Man-genius? No really...it's true. He needs to stop acting like he's Bill Belichick. The Packers feasted on the Lions last week...so I see no reason why they can't do the same against another lowly team. I'd be upset if I were the Packers and only got a 9 point spread. Confidence Points: 11
San Diego Chargers (-4.5) vs. Kansas City Chiefs Congrats to the Chiefs for getting their first win last week...although it did come against the Redskins. San Diego was easily handled by Denver last week and this needs to be a bounce back game for them. The AFC is looking awfully weak this year, so San Diego is only a few games away from getting back in the playoff picture. This is a must win and 4.5 points is enough for me to go with the Chargers. Confidence Points: 8
Indianapolis Colts (-13.0) vs. St. Louis Rams Well the Rams took Jacksonville to overtime and the Jags only lost to the Colts by 2 so St. Louis has a chance right? WRONG. Indy is coming off a Bye and they're playing unbelievable right now. The Colts play in a dome, so the Rams won't have an advantage there and their best receiver just got injured. I can see Indianapolis up by 13 in the first quarter. The 13 point spread doesn't scare me; Colts win big here. Confidence Points: 13
Minnesota Vikings vs. Pittsburgh Steelers (-4.5) This might be the best game this week. As I said earlier, the Vikings almost blew an 18 point lead against the Ravens (well actually they did, but came back). I'm not sold on this team yet. I think old man Favre is going to come out and the Steelers are going to make some plays on defense. Pittsburgh needs a quality win, and I think the Vikings are due for a let down seeing as they've come close twice now. Plus, I have a side bet on the Steelers to win straight up with Jesse, so I'm picking Pittsburgh. Confidence Points: 5
New England Patriots (-14.5) vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers This is a pretty big spread for an away team. Last week the Eagles were favored in Oakland by 14 and the Raiders won! But the Pats won by 59 points last week!!! I smell something fishy here, and no it's not Tom Brady's pussy. Will the Bucs cover? Hmm...it's not a bold prediction, just an italicized one, and that's not enough for me to pick them. New England wins easily (I think). Confidence Points: 10
San Fransisco 49ers vs. Houston Texans (-3.0) Which 49ers team is going to show up this week? Which Texans team is going to show up this week? I can't answer either of these questions. So it's off to the intangibles. San Fran is coming off a Bye week. Texans are playing at home. 49ers are starting Michael Crabtree at wide receiver. I need to pick an underdog. Therefore I pick the 49ers. Confidence Points: 1
New York Jets (-6.0) vs. Oakland Raiders This is a tough one for me. Oakland played very well against Philly last week, while the Jets continued to stumble to their third straight loss. Logic would tell me that this trend would continue, but logic doesn't always work in the NFL. I think the Jets should stop throwing the ball and go back to the run. Oakland is ranked 29th in the NFL in rushing defense so that doesn't look good for them. Except I don't think the Jets WILL stop throwing and I don't like the Jets to cover this. They may get the win, but not by 6, so I'm picking the Raiders. Confidence Points: 2
Buffalo Bills vs. Carolina Panthers (-7.0) I would have never thought that the Panthers would be favored by 7 points after the horrible start that they had this season. Buffalo intercepted SIX passes last week against the Jets and Jake Delhomme is tied with Mark Sanchez with 10 interceptions this season. Sounds good for the Bills right? Except that the Bills had to win that game in overtime and only scored 16 points! The Panthers are playing better and should get this win at home to keep their season going. Confidence Points: 9
Chicago Bears vs. Cincinnati Bengals (-1.0) Ah, the one point spread...basically a pick 'em. Both teams suffered tough losses last week, so the real question is which one is going to be able to bounce back. Again, with the AFC being weak this season, the Bengals can probably afford to lose this game. The Bears need this win to stay in the hunt in the NFC. I think Chicago gets the victory based on necessity. Confidence Points: 4
Atlanta Falcons vs. Dallas Cowboys (-4.0) Let's all have a good hearty laugh at the spread makers here. I know that the Cowboys had a Bye last week, but seriously, this team isn't good. If you recall, all of their wins have been against teams that were winless when they played. Last I checked, the Falcons are 4-1 and playing great football. I don't think Atlanta is looking past this game to next week's match-up with New Orleans, so I really don't get this spread. I'd pick the Falcons if they were favored by 4, so I'm definitely taking Atlanta with this spread. Confidence Points: 7
New Orleans Saints (-6.0) vs. Miami Dolphins New Orleans' offense is on a roll right now. Regardless of the bad calls last week, they still executed their offense. The question for me is can the Dolphin defense slow them down? Miami's wildcat offense just keeps getting better and better every week. And they're coming off a Bye week, and I can only imagine what crazy plays they're drawn up. I don't think New Orleans has the defense to stop them, so Miami is going to get its points. Can they keep up with the Saints? Again, that depends on Miami's defense...and I say they will. There is my bold prediction: Miami over New Orleans. Confidence Points: 3
Arizona Cardinals vs. New York Giants (-7.0) This spread surprises me. I would have thought that it would have been Giants favored by 3. Apparently people have faith in the G-Men. Arizona's offense is looking like it did last year...when the Giants went to Arizona and beat the Cardinals. The Cardinals' offense is similar to the Saints', but I think the Giants will be able to get pressure on Kurt Warner, unlike what happened in New Orleans. This is a big game for both teams as they each look for a quality in conference win. I may be a little biased, but I like New York to come out strong and get a big win for Big Blue. Confidence Points: 6
Philadelphia Eagles (-7.0) vs. Washington Redskins What can be said about this game? Philly lost to Oakland and now is a favored on the road by a touchdown. That goes to show you the lack of faith people have in Washington. The previously winless Chiefs went to Washington and won by 8. I think the Eagles fix the problems they had last week in Oakland, while the Redskins continue to create ones in Washington. If the Redskins lose I think Jim Zorn gets fired. That's bold prediction number 2, and since I like Philadelphia in this game, Zorn should start clearing out his office. Confidence Points: 12
In describing Community, the new NBC comedy on NBC starring Joel McHale, I must define the comedy space. Comedy space is two-dimensional. Along the x-axis is humor. More funny to the right, less funny to the left. We'll define the y-axis as the sincerity axis; the opposite of sincerity is sarcasm. A comedy may be funny and sarcastic (30 Rock); it may be unfunny and sarcastic (Parks and Recreation). Community, while not lacking moments of biting humor, is on the whole funny and sincere.
Joel McHale stars as Jeff, a lawyer with a law degree from Columbia who goes back to community college so that he can get one from America. As an effort to get a pretty girl on a date, he invites her to his Spanish study group, which doesn't exist until the moment the invitation is extended. Instead of the intimate one-on-one time Jeff expected, word gets around and we are introduced to the cast of characters.
If the laugh track-free, edgy sitcoms of the late aughts had a baby with the classic audience sitcoms of the late eighties, that baby would be Community. While it adopts the style of the former, it has the heart of the latter. Even thought last week's episode found the laughs coming a little less frequently than I would usually tolerate, I enjoyed the show from beginning to end. Its just fun to spend time with these guys.
What I'm supposed to take away from this video: a robust public health care option will force greedy health insurance companies to eliminate waste, corruption, and sloth, and compete in a way that will improve health care for everyone, including those who opt to keep their existing insurance.
What I actually took away from this video: Heather Graham looks awful. What the hell happened? Remember Boogie Nights? Remember The Spy Who Shagged Me? Remember that scene in the Lenny Kravitz "American Woman" video when she grabbed her boobs and 17-year-old Jesse needed to change himself (skip to 3:35 in the video)? I remember.
Time, you are a horrible she-beast. You and Heather Graham.
If you care enough about football to read these rankings, then you already know who the top team is. While four undefeated teams would all like to be the best, the New Orleans Saints claimed the top spot for the first time this season after knocking off the Giants in controversial fashion (well, controversial around these parts, anyway).
With 4 teams coming into the week looking for their first win, the Titans made a similarly bold claim to be the worst team in football, after a historic 59-point trouncing at the hands of the resurgent New England Patriots. In between these two extremes is lots of regressing to the mean, as over one-third of the league is within a game of .500.
Looking for this week's bold prediction? You won't have to read too far to find it. Promise.
Rank (LW)
Team
Record
Comments
1 (3)
5-0
As long as they don't get caught looking ahead to their matchup with the Falcons on Monday night in two weeks, the Saints should get to 6-0 against the Dolphins this week.
2 (2)
5-0
If you have the Colts left in your suicide pool (which I do), congratulations! They play the lowly Ram this week.
3 (4)
6-0
Yes, they could easily be 4-2 with losses to the Niners and the Ravens on Sunday. Settling for a field goal and leaving the Ravens time to come back was a bad coaching decision.
4 (5)
6-0
BOLD PREDICTION ALERT: The Broncos will be the first team in the NFL to secure a playoff spot. (Bold prediction record: 1-1).
5 (8)
4-2
Last week, I asked if we'd ever see the Tom Brady of 2007 ever again. We got our answer on Sunday, and it was: HELL YES BITCHES.
You know what really grinds my gears? This sentence in today's "Monday Morning Quarterback" column by SI's Peter King:
A great job by Ed Hochuli in New Orleans late in the first half, fully explaining why he didn't overturn a Scott Shanle
fumble return. Instead of just saying, "The ruling on the field
stands,'' Hochuli explained that Shanle was on his way down and his
knee was on the ground while the ball was beginning to come out of
Shanle's grasp; but because the ball was in Shanle's grasp at the
moment the knee hit, it couldn't be ruled a fumble.
A great job By Ed Hochuli? Are you fucking KIDDING me? That was one of the worst officiating jobs I have ever seen. King also had the nerve to call out the Giants for being "abysmal", "pathetic", and "awful". Funny, I was just thinking the same thing about your column, Peter King.
Let's review together, shall we?
2nd quarter, 1st and 10 at the New Orleans 43. Pierre Thomas runs to the right for an 8 yard gain around a block from wide receiver Marques Colston. Oh, did I say block? Because what I meant was one of the most blatant wide receiver holds you'll ever see. The cornerback was past him, and Colston had him around the throat as Thomas ran by. Instead of 1st and 20 from the Giants 47, its 2 and 2 from the Saints 35. The drive would result in a touchdown.
2nd quarter, 1st and 10 at the New York 47. Brees throws a deep pass for Colston down the left side, covered by Corey Webster. As both players look back for the ball, their feet become tangled, and Colston trips to the ground as the pass lands incomplete. A textbook incidental contact call?
(b) Inadvertent tangling of feet when both players are playing the ball or neither player is playing the ball.
Nope, defensive pass interference. Instead of 2nd and 10 at the New York 47, its 1st and 10 at the 12 yard line. The drive would result in a touchdown.
2nd quarter, 1st and 10 at the New York 34. The play, above, misunderstood by Ed Hochuli and Peter King. The Giants are driving down the field at the end of the half. Eli drops back to pass, and is sacked. He fumbles the ball, and a Saints player picks it up. As he runs the ball back for a touchdown, he is chased down by a Giants defender. The defender tackles him and jostles the ball loose (replay clearly shows the ball moving out of the New Orleans players hands as he goes to the ground), and pops out when he hits the turf. It rolls into the end zone, where a Giants player recovers it for a touchback. Except the New Orleans player is ruled down by contact!
So what happened? King quotes Hochuli as stating that the ball is in Scott Shanle's "grasp", which is a sign that something is wrong right there. "In the grasp" refers to a rule regarding tackling; if the refs decide a player is "in the grasp and control" of a defensive player, even if he hasn't been tackled to the ground, he may rule that a tackle has occurred. A fumble, on the other hand, occurs when a player loses control of the ball. Since the ball is clearly seen to be coming out of Shanle's hands when he is going to the ground, then the ground did not cause the fumble. The defensive player did.
The result of this play, by the way, was a touchdown.
But wait! There's more!
3rd quarter, 3rd and 5, at the Giants 27. On a critical drive by the Giants that basically sealed their fate, Eli passed the ball to Hakeem Nicks, who had position on the defender. The defender stops, and jumps back through Nicks, who is unable to catch the football because there is a man shoving him. Textbook pass interference? Off course not. The Giants are forced to punt.
4th quarter, 4th and 10 at the New Orleans 10. The final indignity. Forced to go for it on 4th down, Eli rolls out and hits Dominik Hixon for a touchdown. Except its called back by a completely phantom holding penalty on Shawn O'Hara, who doesn't appear to even come into contact with a Saints defender on the play. Pushed back to the 20, the Giants are forced to kick a field goal.
These were not insignificant plays, and there were not just one or two. It was a consistently bad job by the refs that consistently favored the home team. It was blatant and embarrassing and frustrating. The frustration could have been eased if maybe somebody, ANYBODY, had noticed it. But instead all we get is a tongue bath for Drew Brees and "the best team in football."
The Giants defense did not play well, and they might have lost anyway. But it would have been close. Playing against the Saints AND the refs, they had absolutely no shot.
It's Friday and that means NFL picks time! I know you can't contain your excitement, but trust me, don't blow your load now. Wait until this weekend. There are A LOT of good games this weekend and I think we'll find out who is legit and who isn't.
This week was difficult for me to pick. I think the spreads were set perfectly. It took me a long time to make my confidence point picks and frankly I'm not really confident on any of them. Good teams are playing each other, bad teams are playing each other, and spread is really trying to help the underdogs in the good team-bad team games. OK...now let's get to the picks.
Houston Texans vs. Cincinnati Bengals (-5.0) What Texans team is going to show up this week? This team is consistently inconsistent. One thing we do know is that thanks to the Bengals, this game will be exciting and won't be won until the last minute. With the exception of the Bronco's game, the Bengals have won them all. So I'll assume that the Bengals will continue to win, but will it be by a field goal or touchdown? I say touchdown and like Cincinnati in this one. Confidence Points: 12
Detroit Lions vs. Green Bay Packers (-13.5) Thirteen and a half points is a big spread for the Packers. The Lions only lost by 8 to Pittsburgh last weekend, but that was at home and the Steelers haven't looked all that good this year. I don't think that the Packers are going to look past this game. They are currently two and half games behind the Vikings in their division and they've been beaten by the Vikings. They can't afford to lose (and they won't) but will they cover? I say Packers cover, and they better because... Confidence Points: 14
Baltimore Ravens vs. Minnesota Vikings (-3.0) Ah, the traditional three-points-for-playing-at-home spread. This will be one of those good games I mentioned before. The Ravens have beaten themselves in their two losses (dropped catch on 4th down against the Pats, three defensive penalties that lead to a touchdown against the Bengals). But the match-up I like is old man Favre against Ravens' safety Ed Reed. I smell a bad game by the Vikings and pick the Ravens. Confidence Points: 1
New York Giants vs. New Orleans Saints (-3.0) Again the three point spread for playing at home. Personally I think this game means more to the Saints than the Giants. Beating the Jets was a statement win, except that the Jets then lost to Miami last week and maybe they aren't as good as we all thought. The Giants are a legit team and a win over New York would be impressive. The Giants have a lot of injuries and if New York was at home I might pick against them, but they're in New Orleans and 1) the Giants LOVE playing on the road and 2) they LOVE being underdogs. The Giants will come marching in and then out with a victory. Confidence Points: 6
Cleveland Browns vs. Pittsburgh Steelers (-14.0) Pittsburgh can't lose this game, can they? I mean Derek Anderson went 2-17 throwing the ball last week. You can't win doing that, right? Oh...what's that...Cleveland won! WHAT THE FUCK! But I can state with some confident that Pittsburgh is no Buffalo. Will the Steelers cover this huge spread? I don't know but I'm picking Pittsburgh anyway just because I'd be too ashamed to pick Cleveland. Confidence Points: 4
Carolina Panthers (-3.5) vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers The Panthers won their first game against a terrible Redskins team. A terrible Bucs team is just what they needed to get a winning streak going. Carolina is in the class of whatever is right above terrible. As long as they keep playing terrible teams, I'm going to keep picking the Panthers. Confidence Points: 11
Kansas City Chiefs vs. Washington Redskins (-6.5) OK, here is one that the spreadmakers got wrong. Washington owner Dan Synder has zero confidence points in the Redskins right now. Both of the Redskins' wins (against winless St. Louis and Tampa Bay) have been by a combined score of FIVE POINTS and you think that Washington will win by SEVEN POINTS! I'd even go further on to say that the Chiefs, who came oh so close last week to beating the Cowboys, will win big. Kansas City is the logical choice here (which probably means that Washington will crush them...oh well). Confidence Points: 7
St. Louis Rams vs. Jacksonville Jaguars (-9.5) OK...can somebody explain to be how a team that lost last week 41-0 could come into the next week as a 9.5 point favorite? Oh...what's that....they're playing the Rams. Hmm...I guess that makes sense. The Jags are another consistently inconsistent team. The Rams just flat out suck. But they're coming off of a good game last week yardage-wise against the Vikings. I smell an upset. I'll take the Rams here. Confidence Points: 3
Philadelphia Eagles (-14.0) vs. Oakland Raiders Last week I picked against my beloved Giants for you Oakland and I got completely bitch-slapped for that. This week you get NO love from me. Philly is a team that will continue to score points when they are blowing a team out, so Oakland has no chance of covering this spread. Oakland is so bad that I'm calling a Michael Vick touchdown pass against the Raiders in an Eagles rout. Confidence Points: 9
Arizona Cardinals vs. Seattle Seahawks (-3.0) A lot of people are on the Seahawks bandwagon now that Matt Hasselbeck is "beck" from being "hasseled" (hehe) from a back injury. I'm not so convinced. Arizona's offense looked good in the first half last week against the Texans and then kinda sputtered in the second half. I still like Arizona, and with the 49ers coming back down to Earth, I think the Cardinals are going to win this division. Confidence Points: 10
Tennessee Titans vs. New England Patriots (-9.5) Man, can the Titans catch a break? This team is a perfect example of how important momentum is in a short 16 game season. Last year they won their first TEN games, while this year they LOST their first five. And it can very well be six after a trip to New England. The Pats had a tough loss in Denver last week, but with the Jets losing they kept pace in the AFC East. I like the Pats to win and cover this, but I wouldn't be shocked if the Titans won this game outright. Confidence Points: 8
Buffalo Bills vs. New York Jets (-9.5) Rex Ryan's defense was obviously not prepared for the Miami Wildcat offense last week. Buffalo just wasn't ready to play last week. I think both teams are going to improve this weekend, but I don't think Buffalo has the right quarterback or coaching staff to be a good team. The Jets need to win this, and they need to win by a lot in order for them to be taken seriously again, and I think they will. Confidence Points: 5
Chicago Bears vs. Atlanta Falcons (-3.5) Another good game between a pair of one-loss teams. Hopefully this game will be as dramatic as the one last year between these two teams, when Chicago scored with 11 second left to take the lead, only to lose on a last second field goal by Atlanta. Jay Cutler has improved from his opening game disaster, but I'm not sold on them yet. Atlanta was dominate last weekend in San Fransisco, embarrassing the 49ers. I think Atlanta, not New Orleans, is the team to beat in the NFC South and the Falcons are going to get the win. Confidence Points: 13
Denver Broncos vs. San Diego Chargers (-3.5) I. Am. Sold. On. The. Broncos. Give me more Broncos. This team is fun. This team knows how to come back and win. And this team needs to prove itself against the Chargers. They're beaten some good teams thus far, but this is the biggest game for them this season. San Diego needs this game or else they can kiss the division good-bye. And I think that's exactly what's going to happen after the Broncos pick up the win. Confidence Points: 2
My alma mater, Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, showed up on the local news today here in Houston. Exciting! If a small college from upstate New York is showing up on the local evening news all the day down here in Houston, Texas, well then gosh, there must have been something exciting! Did one of the researchers there have a technological breakthrough that will change mankind? Did somebody walk onto campus and shoot a bunch of students? Well, wonder no longer: watch the revealing news report below.
Through week 5, 5 teams remain undefeated, and 4 teams remain defeated. If I told you before the season that the Titans and the Broncos were involved, how many people would put them in the right group? Those aforementioned Broncos finally break into the top 5 after a nice win at home against the Patriots.
The Giants retain the top spot for at least one more week, but after fattening up on cupcakes, it may be time for a trip to the dentist. Dr. Brees and the New Orleans Saints await in what is easily the best matchup of the week.
This weeks big mover are the Seattle Seahawks, jumping up 8 spots to number 15 after a convincing win over the Jaguars. The NFC East has suddenly become super competitive! How big a difference is Matt Hasselback over Seneca Wallace? Read on to find out!
Rank (LW)
Team
Record
Comments
1 (1)
5-0
The season officially begins next week in New Orleans.
2 (2)
5-0
Peyton Manning is the MVP. Just give it to him now...
3 (3)
4-0
...with apologies to Drew Brees.
4 (4)
5-0
At some point, opponents will have to stop stacking the box against Adrian Peterson, because Brett Favre is proving that he can beat them.
5 (10)
5-0
Uh... so about all that doubting I've been doing this season...
Starting with the publishing of Michael Lewis' "Moneyball", advanced baseball statistics have, for better or worse, changed the way we talk about baseball. Stats like OBP have become so ubiquitous that they now display them alongside venerable standbys like average and RBIs in a player's statline during ESPN telecasts. Words like VORP and ERA+ that used to be used to make fun of how ridiculous advanced statistics were are now used in serious discussions. These statistics were supposed to explode the old myths and orthodoxies about baseball and allow us to see the sport with new eyes.
Except now that these stats have come into the mainstream for a few years, the old orthodoxies have been replaced with new ones. And chief among these is the immutable statistical truth that Derek Jeter is one of the worst fielding shortstops of all time.
If you are new to this argument, you are probably saying, whaa? But what about his 3 Gold Glove Awards? What about the jump-throw? The Flip? The dive into the stands? Baseball fans don't even need to click on the links. They already know what plays I'm talking about.
Stat nerds will counter with, what else, stats. Range factor. Fielding Win Shares. Fielding Runs. It is practically a rite of passage among baseball statisticians: if you want to be accepted into the fraternity, repeat after me: Derek Jeter sucks.
Except your stats disagree with what you can see with your eyes. Last night, Derek Jeter proved it again. In a one-run game against the Twins, with nobody out and Nick Punto on second base after a double, speedy Denard Span bounced a ball up the middle. Jeter ranged to his left and fielded the ball, but instead of throwing to first, he immediately whirled and fired the ball home. Huh? What?
Here's what happened: Jeter knew he couldn't through Span out because of his speed, but instead of making the throw anyway, or simply putting the ball in his pocket, he threw home. Why? Because of the runner on second. Either he saw out of the corner of his eye, or knew because he is awesome, he realized that Punto might try to take advantage of a throw to first and sneak home. Jeter fired to Posada, who then threw back to A-Rod at third, who tagged Punto out. Punto had indeed ranged too far off of third base.
Instead of first and third with nobody out, it was a man on first with one out. The Yankees went on to win the game. Where's your stat for that play, stat nerds? There isn't one, and there never will be. So stop pretending that you know better, or that your stats can tell us more about the game than we can learn by watching it. There's a reason that they play the games, nerds.
You know what really grinds my gears? TBS Pitch Trax. If you've watched any postseason baseball so far this year, you know what I'm talking about, but in case you haven't: in the bottom right corner of the screen during every at bat, TBS shows this little box that tracks the location of every pitch as it crosses the plate.
Seems innocuous? Then you aren't a baseball fan. Because if you watch baseball, then you know nothing is worse than an umpire whose strike zone you don't agree with. Watching one of my beloved Yankees get punched out on a pitch 6 inches off the plate is aggravating enough without a little box in the corner mocking me and my impotence. Maybe instead of the little box, they could just have someone come over to my house and smack me in the face whenever the ump gets a call wrong. "That's right, Jesse," the little box says, "that pitch WAS outside. And guess what? THERE IS NOTHING ANYBODY CAN DO ABOUT IT! That's right, sit there and stew, motherfucker. Oh, and guess what? That same exact pitch that just saw a Yankee get punched out? Well, now that the Twins are batting, IT IS MAGICALLY A BALL! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
I'm not suggesting that the box should be used instead of the umpire. Just get rid of the damn box. Stop granting me and my umpire rage the illusion of technologically infallible proof of my superiority over these horrible, horrible umpires who hate me.
Many thanks to Jesse for filling in for me last week. I thought his picks were expert-worthy (they were better than mine). I'm glad to let you know that my thumbs are still intact, although I don't know how I got that scar over my right kidney or why I woke up in a tub of ice water. Those Mafia guys are such jokesters.
But now I'm back to spend another hour writing this blog entry that I'm sure at least half of you don't read. Is it because it's about football? Is it because I'm writing it? Is it the deadly Daytrader-NFL combination? Whatev. It's a good excuse from doing work. OK...now to the picks.
Cleveland Browns vs. Buffalo Bills (-6.0) Buffalo got spanked last week in Miami. Cleveland played well against the Bengals and almost pulled off a big upset. Hopefully Cleveland has figured out that Derek Anderson should be their starting QB. I don't think trading Braylon Edwards to the Jets will hurt this offense (not that there is much to hurt anyway) so I like the Browns to cover if not win Confidence Points: 5
Pittsburgh Steelers (-10.5) vs. Detroit Lions The Steelers got back on track last week with a big win over San Diego and they might get back Troy Palomalu on their defense. Detroit might be without Matt Stafford at QB and, oh by the way, they're the motherfucking Lions. I think this spread might even be too small for Pittsburgh so they're the clear pick in my opinion. Confidence Points: 11
Dallas Cowboys (-8.5) vs. Kansas City Chiefs Can we finally say that Tony Romo is the most overrated player in the NFL? The Cowboys' two wins have come against the Bucs and the Panthers, who have a combined record of 0-7. Being fair and balanced, I point out that their two losses were against the Giants and Broncos with a combined record of 8-0. Kansas City's record: 0-4. Am I clear on this one? Go with the Cowboys. Confidence Points: 9
Minnesota Vikings (-10.0) vs. St. Louis Rams The Rams are the worst team in the NFL. They've been shut out twice in four games. OK, they almost beat the Redskins, but the Redskins lost to Detroit and barely eked one out against the Bucs. The Vikings are findings ways to win and the past two weeks it hasn't been Adrian Peterson but now 40-year-old Brett Favre. Favre is going to struggle later in the year, but not now so the Vikings should have no trouble with this one. Confidence Points: 13
Oakland Raiders vs. New York Giants (-15.5) I find it hard to believe that the spread on this game hasn't been Off (0). It is unknown if Eli Manning is going to start. I, as a Giants fan, have no idea. Are the bettors saying that David Carr can beat the Raiders by 16 points? What would the spread be if they knew for a fact that Eli Manning was going to play...24 points? Regardless of who plays QB for the Giants, I think they're going to win this one, but on the same token, regardless of who plays QB for the Giants, I don't see them covering this spread. They run the ball and take time off the clock when they have a lead, so as painful as this is for me to do, I pick Oakland to lose but cover the spread. Confidence Points: 4
Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Philadelphia Eagles (-14.5) I find it interesting that this game, unlike the previous one, was Off(0) until Donovan McNabb said that he was going to start. Then it went to 14.5. Tampa Bay is on par with Oakland in the sucky catagory. I don't get it. Regardless, McNabb is going to come out throwing the ball and don't forget that Tampa lost to Washington last week. Even though there is a big spread, I like the Eagles to win and cover. Confidence Points: 3
Washington Redskins vs. Carolina Panthers (-3.5) I've picked the Panthers every week that they've played so far and they just keep on disappointing me. But Washington is a complete mess right now. They just hired an "offensive consultant" without talking to their head coach. Oh, and did I mention that they got the guy from a retirement home in Michigan whose most difficult job was calling numbers at Bingo!?!?!?! How can I choose either of these teams!? The deciding factor is that Carolina had a Bye last week and hopefully they worked on some new stuff. I'll go with the Panthers...this team did go 12-4 last season right? Confidence Points: 6
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Baltimore Ravens (-8.5) The Bengals keep playing tight games and have won most of them (the lone exception is the loss to Denver in Week 1 on that fluke tipped pass). But they had problems last week with Cleveland and they really shouldn't have. I have learned this year that Baltimore is going to cover at home. So enough said about this game. Confidence Points: 10
Atlanta Falcons vs. San Fransisco 49ers (-2.5) This is an interesting match-up between two one-loss teams. The 49ers were one Hail Favre pass away from being 4-0, while the Falcons really got out played by the Pats in their only loss. San Fransisco has been playing very good football at home and I think they'll win, and with a small spread I pick the 49ers. Confidence Points: 7
New England Patriots (-3.0) vs. Denver Broncos This is going to be a good game, and in my eyes the game of the week. This is the fifth game where the Patriots are playing a team that is undefeated coming into the game. They look much better than they did their first two games, but so is Denver. The Denver defense has given up 26 points ALL SEASON! That's less than a touchdown (with extra point) a game. Now I think the Patriots are going to score more than 6.5 points this game, but I think Denver will too, and I like the Broncos in the upset at home. Confidence Points: 2
Houston Texans vs. Arizona Cardinals (-5.5) Houston has had flashes of brilliance and flashes of ignorance this season. This is a team that I cannot figure out. Arizona is coming off of their Bye and I think it came at a good time for them. They're 1-2 and they needed to work on basics. I think they're going to be throwing the ball better and then that will open up the run. The Texans' defense might be able to get to the immobile Kurt Warner, but I think the Cardinals will be able to beat the unstable Texans. Confidence Points: 8
Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Seattle Seahawks (Off(0)) I don't really follow either of these teams so I'm not 100% sure why there is no spread. Perhaps it's due to not knowing if Matt Hasselback will start at quarterback for the Seahawks. The Jags have looked a lot better since their 0-2 start, and I guess their fans can watch the game since it'll be in Seattle. The Seahawks play well at home and for a game that I really don't have a read on, that'll be enough for me to go with Seattle. Confidence Points: 1
Indianapolis Colts (-3.5) vs. Tennessee Titans This is the Prime-Time match up on Sunday night this week and boy the schedulers must not have seen this coming. The Titans STINK! I thought for a while that this was due to playing some tough teams, but they just stink. Their defense is no good, their pass offense is no good, they can run the ball, but they're always playing from behind and this week will be no different. Peyton Manning is playing maybe his best football ever, and this spread is a joke. Unless Vegas knows something that I don't, the Colts will win BIG this weekend. Confidence Points: 14
New York Jets (-1.5) vs. Miami Dolphins Going into last week, this match-up would have been a total walkover for the Jets. But the Jets lost last week and the Dolphins, after losing starting QB Chad Pennington, crushed the Bills. Now this is going to be an intriguing game. I think the addition of Braylon Edwards to the Jets is going to help Mark Sanchez and give him a receiver that he can just throw a jump ball to. Edwards will probably just drop it, but at least it won't get picked. I'm not jumping off the Jets' bandwagon yet and I think the spread is small enough to go with New York. Confidence Points: 12
Specialties: HVAC design, HVAC
troubleshoot, repair and installation, central plant design, pressure vessels,
pig launchers, control systems...
Wait, what? Pig launchers? PIG LAUNCHERS?
The mind reels. The heart races. Here is a guy that is so cool, he not only designs pig launchers, but PUTS IT ON HIS RESUME. We must hire him! He will be my best friend, and we'll spend weekends with a pig launcher we've built in the back of his pickup truck, driving to pig farms out in the Texas prairies, launch a few pigs at the farmhouse, and then tearing out of there while the ranch hands chase us with shotguns and pitchforks.
Alas, research once again ruined everything. STUPID RESEARCH.
The NFL is becoming the story of the haves and the have nots.
The haves? That would be the Giants, Saints, Colts, and Vikings, each sitting at 4-0. What? Oh, yeah, and the Broncos. Whatever.
Even more unfathomable, at least two me, are the six - count 'em, SIX - defeated teams so far. That'd be the 0-4 Rams, Buccaneers, Browns, Titans(!!), and Chiefs, as well as the 0-3 Panthers. And that doesn't even include the 1-3 Lions, or the Raiders, Redskins, Bills, or Seahawks, whose only wins have come at the expense of those defeated teams. Whatever happened to any given Sunday? The only thing that might happen on any given Sunday is that there could be 6 teams that lose by three touchdowns.
At least it makes the rankings a little easier.
Rank (LW)
Team
Record
Comments
1 (1)
4-0
The news that Eli Manning will have to play the rest of the season with pain in his heel does not fill me with joy and sunlight.
2 (3)
4-0
The hype about a Manning-Manning Super Bowl begins right.... NOW.
3 (4)
4-0
A 98-yard interception return for a touchdown AND a strip sack for a touchdown? The Saints are good, but there was more than little bit of luck in that win over the Jets, too.
4 (6)
4-0
If you are part of the Vikings offensive line, and you wake up on Tuesday morning to hear Brett Favre getting all the credit for your amazing performance Monday, do you want to shoot yourself, or are you already used to QBs taking all the credit?
5 (7)
3-1
I'd say something negative about Tom Brady's performance, but I don't want to get charged with a 15 yard penalty.
I have a bean problem. My girlfriend calls me Jimmy Bean all the time, and I really like baked beans. But I can be lazy, which leads to me buying Bush's at the supermarket, and I'm freaking tired of buying crap from George W. Bush. So when I saw the bean episode of Good Eats a few months back and saw the "Once and Future Beans" recipe I was decided that it was my mission in life to make these beans.
But I didn't have a cast iron Dutch Oven. So I put things on hold. I mentioned it to my mom (who is, as previously discussed, the best president on the ObscureCraft Mt. Rushmore of cooking), and she said "Oh, we have one. I've been using it for a decoration, I'll bring it up."
Well, it wasn't a dutch oven. It was a Scotch Bowl, which is kind of like a Dutch Oven, but is more of a half-sphere design rather than a cylinder. Regardless, it was a Griswold, it had a lid, and it seemed to be in immaculate condition. We gave Scotchy a good seasoning the other week, as was outlined in the last Into the Ovens feature. Now, you don't need a cast iron Dutch Oven or Scotch Bowl to make these beans, but it helps. At a minimum, you do need a vessel that you can use on the stovetop and in the oven, with a fitted lid.
Anyhoo, on to the recipe! Alton Brown's Baked Beans, ala Elisa and Jim. We actually followed the TV recipe to a 't', but the version on the Food Network web site has a major, crucial, ridiculous error, so ala.
[The spot: a young man with a glazed look in his eyes pulls his van up to the Jack In The Box drive through. He leans out and asks for the 99 tacos for 2 cents deal. When he is rebuffed by the cashier, he is confused until the talking Jack on his dashboard informs him that its 2 tacos for 99 cents, not the other way around. "That's even less!" he exclaims excitedly. "You weren't really going to eat 99 tacos, were you?" Dashboard Jack asks. "No... yeah," the driver admits sheepishly.]
Ha ha, Jack In The Box, very funny. Stoners like to drive their vans to your restaurants late at night and eat your cheap food. Except you know what happens when stoners go through the drive through? They RUN OVER LITTLE BLACK GIRLS ON THEIR BICYCLES, that's what.
The whole ad isn't online, but you know the one I'm talking about.
Or did you put a white guy in your ad because you think white people are more capable drivers while stoned? Hmm? Which is it, Jack? Either you want us to get high, drive to your restaurant, and kill a bunch of innocent black girls who are constantly riding their bicycles across driveways, or you only want the white stoners to eat your shitty food.
We already knew you were some kind of space monster on the outside, Jack, with your horrifying huge head and expression that only changes while you are off camera. Now we know what kind of monster you are... on the inside.
Shrouded in mystery, Them Crooked Vultures were a late addition to the Austin City Limits lineup. Having never released a song, and only performed a dozen or so shows (all of which were quickly taken off YouTube), you might wonder, like I did, why they deserved a closing slot. As it turns out, it's a supergroup consisting of Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters, Nirvana) on drums, Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age) on lead guitar and vocals, and John Paul Jones on bass. John Paul Jones played bass in a 70's band called 'Led Zeppelin',which I guess was a Jefferson Airplane cover band or something? Also, despite being unmentioned in the program, there was a fourth member who looked bizarrely like Frank Black of the Pixies. Wikipedia informs me that this was Alain Johannes, another Queens of the Stone Age member.
So why would you care? Well if you finished reading that you either have a huge erection that you're rubbing against your monitor right now (stop that, it's gross!) or vomited at the thought that you'll be hearing this on every kind of rock station imaginable for the next decade. What was the show like? Well astute readers will be thinking, hey, didn't Dave Grohl drum on Queens of the Stone Age's one good album? You would be correct, making this 3/4 of the cast of 'Songs For The Deaf'. Unsurprisingly, it sounds a lot like that album with more interesting bass playing. Seriously, look at this fuckin' bass.
The ACL festival booklet had a helpful quote from a review of the band's first American gig in Chicago, that I'll have to paraphrase, since that booklet was a casualty of the 10 hours of pouring rain that was Saturday at the festival: "Most Frankenstein supergroups end up somewhat less than the sum of their parts, but TCV are onto something raw and exciting". The first half of that sentence is entirely accurate, the songs never quite come together.
I'd actually describe this, like Queens of the Stone Age, as music for Guitar Hero/Rock Band. Every instrument's part is fast, varied, and intricate. Focusing on one part is a delight: Grohl lays down better beats than he has in decades, John Paul Jones is amazing, and Josh Homme has a unique and interesting style. Together, however, it leaves something to be desired. Maybe they'll find that missing cohesion for the release of their album. We can hope so, since between the members it qualifies for play under Alternative, Rock, Hard Rock, Classic Rock, and Underground Rock.
Daytrader, your usual guide through the world of losing money on football gambling, is unable to type this week due to a problem involving his bookie, a 300 pound Italian man, a car door, and his thumbs. So I apologize for the lateness of these substitute football picks. Although I hear Vegas is open 24 hours. Just sayin'.
Chicago Bears (-10.5) over Detroit Lions My sincere congratulations to the Lions for getting that huge, rabid monkey off their back last week with a win over the Redskins. And not just because I called it (everybody with a picks column not named "Daytrader" called that one correctly). It was just really getting sad. Now, back to the business of losing. If you still have the Bears available in a suicide pool, congratulations on making it to week 5! Confidence points: 12
Cincinatti Bengals (-5.5) over Cleveland Browns For those of you that aren't degenerate gamblers, I feel this line requires some explanation. The goal of a Vegas line is not to say, "we think the Bengals are 5.5 points better than the Browns." Instead, they are saying, "we think that if we set the line at -5.5, then we'll get the same number of bets on the Bengals and the Browns." The line started the week at -5, and has moved to -5.5, which indicates that more money has been going on the Bengals than the Browns. For once, humanity has given me a reason to continue having faith in it. This line could move to -10 and I'd still take the Bengals over the Browns. The Browns quit on Eric Mangini faster than he can finish a meatball sub. Confidence points: 14
Indianapolis Colts (-10.5) over Seattle Seahawks Seattle has great fans and one of the last remaining home field advantages in football. What? This game is in Indianapolis? Oh. Confidence points: 4
New York Giants (-9.0) over Kansas City Chiefs Scott Pioli, general manager for the Chiefs, used to be the GM for the New England Patriots. Matt Cassell, quarterback for the Chiefs, stepped in as QB for the Patriots last season after Tom Brady got injured. This offseason, Pioli left for the Chiefs and traded for Cassell. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I guess Bill Belichick was the brains behind the Patriots operation after all, because Cassell and the Chiefs have been embarrassing. Confidence points: 11
Baltimore Ravens (+2.0) over New England Patriots *rubs his eyes* *blinks* *rubs his eyes again*
Huh. That still says that the Ravens are two point underdogs to the Patriots. Weird. I still think its a typo. Confidence points: 10
Tamba Bay Buccaneers (+7.0) over Washington Redskins Dating back to the start of last season, the St. Louis Rams and the Detroit Lions have won three games, and have been the worst teams in football by a wide margin. In the last two weeks, the Redskins beat the Rams at home by two, and lost to Detroit. Those three combined wins? Two have come against the Redskins. The Redskins shouldn't be favored by 7 against most high school teams right now. Confidence points: 13
Tennessee Titans (-3.0) over Jacksonville Jaguars If such a thing exists as the best 0-3 team ever, then the Titans may be it. I'm about as enthusiastic about this game as the city of Jacksonville (yes, blacked out again in J-town). Confidence points: 6
Houston Texans (-9.0) over Oakland Raiders Over the last two weeks, the Texans have been gashed by two of the best running backs in the game, Chris Johnson and Maurice Jones-Drew. Quick, name the running back for the Raiders. Yeah, that's what I thought. Confidence points: 5
Buffalo Bills (-2.0) over Miami Dolphins The only thing more surprising to me than Buffalo being a road favorite at any point during this season is the fact that I'm picking them. Although its possible that Miami surprises us this weekend by running the Wildcast for 30 straight snaps. When you can't even get your best quarterback named Chad behind center, it might be time to try something... wild. *sigh* Confidence points: 7
New Orleans Saints (-7.0) over New York Jets I am excited for this game. Is the Jets defense as good as we think it is? Ditto for the Saints offense? Can Mark Sanchez handle a big game on the road against a quality opponent? Will I finally break down an admit that I'm jealous of Daytrader and his NFL Sunday Ticket package, since I will be stuck watching the goddamned Texans and Cowboys this Sunday? From a gambling perspective, however, all those question marks mean I have no idea what to make of this game. That's why... Confidence points: 1 Dallas Cowboys (-3.0) over Denver Paper Tigers Much like the stock market, you can make money in gambling when teams (stocks) are overvalued or undervalued. Rarely do you get such a potent combination of an overvalued and undervalued team meeting in one game. The Broncos are 3-0, but two wins were against crummy teams, and one win was due almost entirely to a single miracle play. Meanwhile, for all the talk fo their demise, the Cowboys are 2-1, with the one loss coming by only 3 points against the Giants, one of the best teams in football. This one is a no-brainer. Confidence points: 8
San Fransisco 49ers (-9.5) over St. Louis Rams The Rams are just happy the Lions finally lost, so they can get that pesky question about who is the worst team in football out of the way. Confidence points: 2
San Diego Chargers (+6.5) over Pittsburgh Steelers This may be a must win for Pittsburgh, but I can't see them scoring enough points to beat the Chargers by a touchdown. Whether they win or lose, the Chargers will at least cover. Its also possible, now that we see Tennessee (the team they beat week 1) isn't as good as we thought either, that Pittsburgh is just a bad team. Confidence points: 9
Minnesota Vikings (-3.5) over Green Bay Packers Will this be the highest rated Monday Night Football game ever? Admit it: as much as you bitched about Favre in the off-season, you cannot wait to watch this game. Confidence points: 3
I was one million percent sure that these were awesome... until I realized that they are actually being produced as licensed merchandise by the production company behind Maury. Are the shot glasses in poor taste because so many of these unwanted children were conceived while the participants were intoxicated, or are they brilliant because they ensure that Maury will have guests for future shows?
And while there are items for baby, mommy, daddy, and not the daddy, where the shirt celebrating daddy's new girlfriend who wants you to leave her man alone, CAUSE YOU IS A HO? Or where is the shirt for the baby momma's momma, who says you need to STAND UP AND CARE FOR THIS CHILD? I know what I'm doing this weekend!
[Jim and I continue our discussion of the fall TV season. This is part three. Its the last one, I promise. Here's part two. Here's part one.]
From: Jesse To: Jim: Subject: In Memoriam
Jim, I'm frankly surprised at your positive response to the season
premiere of House this year. "Reminiscent of Nicholson's turn as RP
McMurphy?" Reminiscent? The phrase you
are looking for is "embarrassingly derivative," or perhaps
"face-slappingly obvious ripoff." I'm surprised the episode didn't end with Roman Polanski raping a 13-year-old girl in Hugh Laurie's living room. Was there anything at all surprising,
or innovative about this episode? When House got up on stage and
started rapping with his roommate, I mentally registered the first
moment at which even the great Hugh Laurie, whose performance as House was always the main reason for watching the show to begin with, was unable to rescue the
material given to him.
Much like the Oscars, I think we should
have an "In Memoriam" section every year where we talk about those
shows that died to young. Except unlike the Oscars, we'll memorialize
those shows that are gone, and also those shows that are still on the
air, but have gone from our hearts because they got into a car accident
and are now retarded. So, please join me in pouring a forty out in the
street for the following shows that are gone, and will be missed. Or
won't be missed, because they are now retarded.
We talked about
how terrible Heroes, now in its fourth year, had gotten last season,
but this is officially the first year where I won't watch a single
episode.
Parks and Recreation got a tryout from me last year.
Sometimes it feels like an alternative universe version of The Office.
A universe that hates laughter.
In what can only be described as
an early birthday present from Jesus himself, the Suze has abandoned
both Project Runway AND America's Next Top Model. Runway got the
fur-lined suede boot from Suzi's schedule for the unforgivable sin of moving to Lifetime, a network which Suzi would
not watch under any circumstances. She could be trying to diffuse a
bomb, and if Lifetime was airing an instructional video,
and Suzi still wouldn't watch. And America's Next Top Model is airing
an all short models edition where every contestant is under 5' 7",
which destroyed any pretense that the show had left of finding a girl
who could have a viable modeling career.
In the cancellation
department, we say goodbye to "Terminator: The Sarah Connor
Chronicles", which was barely on long enough for me to type out its
name; "Reaper", which squandered more potential than any pilot I've
ever seen; and "Battlestar Galactica", which ended with a finale that
was like an old man suffering from Alzheimers. It obviously didn't know
where it was going when it left the house and was now wandering
aimlessly, was awkward and embarrassing to watch, and by the end had
pooped all over itself.
Since I've spent this whole chat being
such a Debbie Downer, let me close out with a rave: Curb Your
Enthusiasm is back, and it is pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty
good. So far we've had two episodes, and we've had two classics.
Because we're running long (as usual), I only have three things to say:
1. Just because you have cancer doesn't mean you can't find the E! Channel for yourself. 2. Never make an empty gesture to a Funkhauser. 3. Don't condescend to me with your tiny pear!
Hope you don't have any trouble getting this email out of the packaging!
Since I've spent this whole chat being
such a Debbie Downer, let me close out with a rave: Curb Your
Enthusiasm is back, and it is pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty
good. So far we've had two episodes, and we've had two classics.
Because we're running long (as usual), I only have three things to say:
