It would be bad enough that you were driving a black Mercedes. That would be enough to make you the biggest douche on the block.

And people who are in such a fucking hurry that they cut across a parking lot to avoid waiting at the traffic light at the corner like everyone else, because they are so much more important? You are now in the running for being the biggest douche in town.

But when you not only cut across that parking lot, but cut through it at 40 miles an hour, because anybody in this parking lot is going to the check cashing place, and anybody who goes to the check cashing place is less than a fly on your windshield? Well, sir, your lack of care for the lives of others when measured against an extra 2 seconds of your time makes you the biggest douche in the state.

But then! BUT THEN! Someone on a bicycle - oh heaven forbid, a motherfucking bike! - is in your way, and you have to slam on your brakes and come to a halt to avoid hitting him? Because you are driving around in your black Mercedes like a giant douche? You aren't just a giant douche, you are the biggest douche in the country.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE. You, black Mercedes driving, high-speed parking lot cutting across, brake squealing douche, couldn't just settle for being the biggest douche in the country. You wanted more. So when that guy on the bike cut across your path, you couldn't just think to yourself, "Wow, that was fucking close, maybe I should stop driving like an enormous douche." Oh no.

You honked. You honked your fucking horn at the guy on the bike for daring to exist. And that, sir, is what makes you the biggest douche in the world.

You see these? These are for you, black Mercedes. For as long as I have to. These are for you.