Welcome to the Obscure NFL Power Rankings. For those that are unfamiliar with the concept of power rankings, here's how it works: the official OC Power Rankings committee convenes in a top secret location to debate the relative strengths and weaknesses of each team. Teams are then ranked accordingly, through the use of a top secret algorithm developed through the use of a DoD research grant.
The goal of the power rankings is to provide insight beyond the simplicity of a won-loss record, and provide deeper contextual meaning. You should then use this information when making your picks for the
ObscureCraft Pick 'Em League (group ID 19207, password boobs), which everyone is going to play cause its lots of fun!
Okay, its actually just me (with a little input from DT) deciding which teams are better, colored by my own prejudices and ignorances. (This is the same way college football picks winners, by the way).
I have only a few rules in life, but here are three of them: When you win the Super Bowl, you automatically get to be number one in the first preseason poll. When you go 0-16, you are definitely last in the preseason poll. If you lose another 5 games, I might drop you from the list completely. And when you sign Michael Vick to your team, I reserve the right to make as many dog fighting related puns during the season as I can come up with.
Here are the top five. The rest are after the jump. Yes, I'm ranking and commenting on every single team
| Rank |
Team |
Record |
Comments |
| 1 |
 |
12-4 |
Super Bowl champions automatically get the top spot in the preseason ranking barring any major injuries or personnel losses, although... |
| 2 |
 |
11-5 |
...does anybody doubt the return of Tom Brady once again makes the Patriots the favorites to win it all? |
| 3 |
 |
9-6-1 |
I don't know why, but I just think the Eagles are going to have a good season, doggone it! It just seems like they have more of a pitbull mentality than last season. (Translation: this is the time of year when everybody picks the Eagles, only to watch them lose the first 3 games of the season.) |
| 4 |
 |
12-4 |
Hey, did you know that the Colts finished last year on a 9-0 run before that flukey, ref-assisted loss in the playoffs?? And Peyton Manning is a full year removed from his knee surgery? |
| 5 |
 |
8-8 |
A trendy pick for the playoffs powered as much by their potential on-field performance as their crappy division. |
| Rank |
Team |
Record |
Comments |
| 6 |
 |
12-4 |
The Giants upcoming season without Plaxico in a nutshell (and in my nightmares): in the 3rd preseason game, Manning puts a beautiful ball on Steve Smith's chest 40 yards downfield in stride for a sure touchdown. Smith dropped it. |
| 7 |
 |
9-7 |
This ranking is a courtesy to the team that made the Super Bowl last year. Somehow. Has anybody figured out how that happened yet? |
| 8 |
 |
9-7 |
I had the Bears ranked even higher than this until I was verbally berated by Daytrader. But mark my words: Jay Cutler will turn this team into a championship contender. |
| 9 |
 |
11-5 |
Will this team be able to maintain its performance after an off-season filled with losses on both the defense and the coaching staff? Will Ray Lewis stab anybody? Stay tuned! |
| 10 |
 |
13-3 |
The loss of Albert Haynesworth is a huge blow to a team that looked like it could go undefeated on the strength of its defense. |
| 11 |
 |
9-7 |
Can somebody explain to me what the point of going to a stadium is if you are going to spend the whole time watching an enormous television? |
| 12 |
 |
10-6 |
Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre |
| 13 |
 |
12-4 |
How they could bring Jake Delhomme back after that 5 interception implosion in the playoffs last year is beyond me. No way he bounces back. Put a fork in him and the Panthers. |
| 14 |
 |
5-11 |
Plenty of good seats available at Jacksonville Municipal Stadium. Seriously, the Jags are looking at their home games getting blacked out. Even the NFL isn't immune to the recession. |
| 15 |
 |
8-8 |
Some touts are saying this is the year Houston finally finishes above .500 and makes the playoffs. Confidential to touts: you've been saying that for the last three years, nobody believes you anymore. |
| 16 |
 |
11-5 |
Pack your parachutes, Dolphins fans. This team is about to plummet back to earth. The only way you don't need parachutes is if... |
| 17 |
 |
11-5 |
...the Atlanta Falcons are already there to break your fall. |
| 18 |
 |
4-12 |
Great homefield advantage and a weak division. Of course, they had both of those things last year, too. |
| 19 |
 |
2-14 |
A new GM, a new coach, and a new quarterback. But then they trade their Hall of Fame tight end - do the Chiefs have less confidence in them than I do? |
| 20 |
 |
6-10 |
This is a team full of underachievers, starting with the overrated Aaron Rodgers. The 6-10 record is deceiving; 2 of them were against the Lions. |
| 21 |
 |
9-7 |
Another team with a new coach and quarterback, but somehow I don't see it working out that well. |
| 22 |
 |
9-7 |
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha |
| 23 |
 |
8-8 |
They had a historically good offense last year and couldn't do any better than 8-8. No way this team does anything but slide this year |
| 24 |
 |
8-8 |
$100 million dollars for Albert Haynesworth only makes sense if you're going to get him to play quarterback. Jason Campbell has had ample opportunity to prove he isn't the answer. |
| 25 |
 |
7-9 |
How's that TO signing working out? The Bills averaged only 14 points a game this preseason, including losses in which they scored 0 and 6 points. |
| 26 |
 |
4-11 |
Did anybody else see Chad Ochocinco kick the extra point and the kickoff on Hard Knocks? Also, did you know that the Bengals are going to suck? |
| 27 |
 |
4-12 |
Browns fans, you can ask the jets: Eric Mangini is not a good coach. |
| 28 |
 |
8-8 |
Rookie coach Josh McDaniels couldn't have gotten off to a worse start if he showed up on his first day, walked out to the 50-yard line, squatted, and pinched out a steamer. |
| 29 |
 |
7-9 |
Quick, name the 49ers starting quarterback. Nope, its not former first round pick Alex Smith. Nope, its not last year's starter J.T. O'Sullivan. No, its not Joe Montana, Suzi. *sigh* |
| 30 |
 |
2-14 |
Here's wishing former Giants defense coordinator Steve Spagnuolo all the best in his first head coaching job. |
| 31 |
 |
5-11 |
Has there ever been a successful athlete where his first name was a normal name (Marcus) with the prefix Ja attached? |
| 32 |
 |
0-16 |
This is the best possible situation for first round pick Matt Stafford. Seriously! If the team finishes 3-13, is there any way that isn't considered a successful season? |
