September 2009 Archives

The top 5 remains unchanged from last week, with all of our early contenders winning handily. I can promise you this, however: next week, things will change. How do I know? Because next the #4 Saints play the #5 Jets in the biggest game of the season so far.

But this is not the only huge match up looming on the NFL horizon. Curious? Read on!

Rank (LW)	Team	Record	Comments
1 (1)		3-0	The Giants look to have the top spot locked down for a few more weeks as they feast on a lineup of cupcakes. Next stop: Kansas City.
2 (2)		3-0	Just so you don't think I'm being a homer, I promise this right now: if Baltimore wins in New England this weekend, they will be the top team in next week's rankings.
3 (3)		3-0	The transition from Tony Dungy to the other black guy they got to replace Tony Dungy has been seamless.
4 (4)		3-0	The Saints proved two things this week. 1) Drew Brees will not throw 60 touchdowns this year. 2) They don't need him to.
5 (5)		3-0	What a huge game against the Saints this weekend. The unstoppable force meets the immovable object. In my pants.

[Jim and I continue our discussion of the fall TV season.  This is part two. Here's part one.]

From: Jesse
To: Jim
Subject: I'm taking this email chain and I'M PUTTING IT IN A MUSEUM FOR CRAZY PEOPLE

Jim, I'm telling you: if you had ever been forced to watch Nip/Tuck, you would not be watching Glee. I don't care if you say its good. I don't care if a dozen naked women spell out "Glee is an entertaining show" on their boobs and bounce up and down while I read it. I. Don't. Care. Since we as a culture have decided that Godwin's Law is null and void, I feel fully justified in saying the following: hearing that Ryan Murphy is making another show is like hearing Hitler is working on a follow up project to the Holocaust. Not. Interested.

As for new shows this season, its only Community for me. I understand your hesitation: the show is walking a fine line between absurd humor and saccharine sweetness, and there have been some unsteady moments on that tightrope in the first couple of episodes. But between my love of Joel McHale (sometimes when I'm watching The Soup I feel like someone has stuck a hypodermic into the joke center of my brain, extracted out the juices, and distilled them into a TV show made entirely for me) and the lack of new show options, I'm in it to win it. It's already given me a new catch phrase: "I'm taking this, and I'm PUTTING IT IN A MUSEUM FOR CRAZY PEOPLE." That makes the Suze laugh every time.

The only other new pickle on my plate, so to speak, is Mad Men. Not a new show, so I'm playing catchup. I'm watching Season Three as it airs and simultaneously watching Season One on DVD (okay, its actually on Blu-Ray, but I feel like a douche saying I'm watching something on Blu-Ray. What a fucking horrible product name.)

Mad Men is wonderful, but you probably can't guess what my favorite part is. Given up? Okay, I'll tell you. Listen: everybody talks about John Hamm's performance as Donald Draper. Everybody talks about Christina Hendricks as the impossible curvy Joan Holloway. Everybody talks about the fastidious details of the clothing, the technology, and the casual sexism. But why doesn't everybody talk about the show's most inspired creation? Roger Sterling is a singular creation in the history of mankind. He is the world's most perfectly constructed one-liner delivery mechanism. He is brilliant. Tell me you love Roger Sterling as much as I love him.

With the dearth of inspiring new content for my DVR this season, the result is a much lower bar to clear to stay in the rotation. That's why, in addition to indispensables like The Office, 30 Rock, Dexter, and Family Guy, I'll be keeping my eye on some more questionable content, like a Gil Grissom-less season of CSI, and... Dollhouse.

Dollhouse. Oh, Dollhouse. Jim, you did see what Dollhouse is doing this season, right? Joss Whedon got on the phone with his casting director, and told him, "Bring me an actor from every show nerds have ever cared about! I want those nerds frothing at the mouth!" Already announced as joining the cast for either a guest spot or a recurring role this season: Jamie Bamber (Captain Apollo from Battlestar Galactica), Alexis Denisof (Wesley Wyndham-Price from Buffy and Angel), Summer Glau (River from Firefly and John Connor's pet terminator from The Sarah Connor Chronicles), and... AND... Ray Motherfucking Wise, aka Leland Palmer. Ray Wise! I would watch Ray Wise eat a turkey sandwich for 30 minutes a week. Don't believe me? I basically have: I sat through a whole half season of the insufferable "Reaper" because just when I was about to change the channel/pass out from boredom, Ray Wise would show up and be awesome for 10 minutes. Does any of this get you excited about (the incredibly improbable) season two of Dollhouse? Or have you already checked out?

Like this.

 

[Its that time again! The leaves are failing to change color and the sweaters are staying firmly packed away because its still 90 degrees because I live in Texas now, but I have it on good authority that it is fall. That means Jim and I will be talking some fall TV turkey this week. Here's part one.]

From: Jesse
To: Jim
Subject: Once again foretelling the death of prime time television

Jim, I came home from a hard day at the engineering mines last Thursday, settled into my plaster-cast ass groove on my sofa, and powered up the television to find that I had to watch either The Office or CSI. When your television watching options become limited because you're already recording two shows at once, it can mean only one thing: the fall TV season is back in session.

When we had our fall TV roundup talk last year, the dominant theme was the effect of the Great Writers Strike of Aught-Eight. Remember that? Remember when writers thought they mattered enough that they could go on strike? Adorable. Anyway, I think we can sum up the importance of writers to the modern network TV landscape with four words: "The Jay Leno Show."

The fact that NBC felt comfortable abandoning fully one-third of prime airtime in favor of Jay Leno's Hour of Fail, or whatever he's calling it, is the most glaring example of the decline of scripted shows, but its certainly not the only one. Fox has moved summer hit "So You Think You Can Dance" to its fall schedule to eat up three hours of airtime. ABC has expanded "Dancing With The Stars" to three hours a week. The CW is apparently just airing reruns of 90s staples "Melrose Place" and "90210" on Tuesdays (I assume that's what the existence of those two shows mean on the schedule, what else could it be?) The network with the most (air-quotes) original (/air-quotes) programming is CBS, and that includes "CSI", "CSI: Miami", "CSI: New York", "NCIS", and "NCIS: Los Angeles". That's not even like a hilarious joke I'm making. Those are all actual programs.

What does it all mean, Jim? It means this: there is one show that is new this fall that I'm watching (two if you count "Mad Men" which is in its third season but I'm just picking up now). I'm watching "Community", starring The Soup's Joel McHale and the reanimated corpse of Chevy Chase.

Jim, make me feel better about all this. Say that this is just a lull in the creative cycle caused by the strike, or solar flares, or the distractingly chaste sexuality of the Jonas Brothers. Because it kind of feels like the beginning of the end.

One of the hindrances to cast iron ownership is the need to maintain it. Most folks just want zero-maintainence cookware. Phooey on them, I say. Phooey. As discussed previously, you really should be cooking in cast iron when possible.

Dear OC,

I need you to analyze something for me. I originally started dating my boyfriend while he was still with another girl. His ex found out about us and broke it off with him, and now she's with some other guy. But now I'm starting to think that I shouldn't date someone who 1) doesn't want to have sex with me that often, 2) might be cheating on me all of the time, and 3) I have to go "LALALALALALALALA" in my head while he's talking about 90% of the time. Could you figure out why I'm still with this douche?

Well last week was more like it.  Maybe going with my football gut is the way to go.  Let's quickly recap what we learned from week 2:

• The Saints offense can score points at will against teams other than the Lions.
• The Eagles defense sucks a big fat dick.
• The Jets are for real.
• The Patriots' dynasty is over.
• The Giants still cannot score touchdowns in the red zone.
• The Cowboys will not win a playoff game with Tony Romo as their starting quarterback.

There were a lot more things that we learned, but I'm not in the mood to keep on listing them.  Watch some goddamn ESPN if you want some more lessons.  OK...now to the picks.


Washington Redskins (-6.5) vs. Detroit Lions
Can you believe that this crappy game is a game to watch?!  People are thinking that this game is winnable for the Lions.  The almost equally shitty Rams went to Washington last week and ALMOST WON!  Will Detroit pull off the upset?  I say: NO!  Washington got its wake-up call last week and will take care of this one...enough I say to even cover the spread.  A heavy dose of Clinton Portis will do the trick as Washington goes back to its smash-mouth NFC East roots.
Confidence Points: 4


Green Bay Packers (-6.5) vs. St. Louis Rams
The Rams had their chances last week in Washington and failed.  Green Bay is another team that got unexpectedly (although I expected it) stung last week.  The Packers' defense is suspect, so good thing the Rams can't score points (only 7 points all season!).  This one shouldn't be too tough for the Packers.
Confidence Points: 16


San Fransisco 49ers vs. Minnesota Vikings (-7.0)
Two 2-0 teams clash in this one that is a little spicier than we all would have thought a few weeks ago.  The 49ers have surprised me these last two weeks, winning two divisional games, and I've paid the price by not picking them both weeks.  The Vikings haven't really surprised me beating Cleveland and Detroit (ooh, you want a cookie for that) so this is a real test for them.  Seven points seems a lot and Favre has a lifetime losing record when he plays in Minnesota, so I'll take the 49ers.
Confidence Points: 5


Atlanta Falcons vs. New England Patriots (-4.0)
People aren't talking about this game, but it's a BIG game for both of these teams.  The Pats can't afford another loss with the way the Jets are playing, and Atlanta can't afford to lose right now with the way the Saints are playing.  The Pats have been flat all season, except for the 4th quarter against Buffalo, but I can't see them staying that way. They need this win and I think they'll turn it around so I take New England at home.
Confidence Points: 6


Tennessee Titans vs. New York Jets (-2.5)
Last year the Jets went into Tennessee and handed the Titans their first loss giving them a record of 10-1!  Now the Titans sit at 0-2 while the Jets are flying high at 2-0.  Tennessee lost both games by 3 points, which explains the small 2.5 point spread.  I got a feeling that the Jets put so much into that Patriots game last week that they might let this one slip away.  I think the Titans get the win they desperately need.
Confidence Points: 1


Kansas City Chiefs vs. Philadelphia Eagles (Off (0))
Like I mentioned last week, the Off (0) spread means that legally there is no betting on this game, but since we're playing for fun, this is an old fashion pick 'em game.  I almost think it's silly to have no spread because I think whoever the Eagles start at quarterback will win.  Kevin Kolb was able to score points against the Saints, the problem was that the Saints scored more...a lot more.  The Chiefs looked good against Baltimore in Week 1 on offense, but bad last week so I have to go with the Eagles here.
Confidence Points: 15


New York Giants (-6.5) vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Here's another 6.5 spread for the Giants...just like Week 1.  The Giants have yet to score a touchdown inside their opponents' 20 yard line.  This baffles me when you have the running attack that they do.  I don't like the play calling when they get there.  But they have to finally score at least once there this week right?  Right.  The Giants will win this game and I think finally be able to cover.
Confidence Points: 14


Cleveland Browns vs. Baltimore Ravens (-13.5)
Hmm...this looks familiar.  The Ravens a 13.5 favorite at home against a team that sucks.  I have no doubt that the Ravens will win this game, the question is will they cover the spread.  I didn't see anyway it would happen in Week 1 when they were tied with like 3 minutes left to go, but they went out of their way to cover the spread when they could have just sat on the ball and won.  This is going to be a cursed spread for me with this team, so now  I'll wait to get beat the other way.  I'm picking Baltimore.
Confidence Points: 7


Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Houston Texans (-4.0)
The Jaguars are horrible.  The Texans defense doesn't look good.  But their offense way good enough to beat Tennessee, in Tennessee, in a shoot out.  If the Texans win, they're back in the conversation in the AFC South.  Jacksonville has a lot of problems and there has already been talk of looking to draft Florida QB Tim Tebow next year.  THEY'RE ALREADY THINKING ABOUT NEXT YEAR!  Take the Texans on this one.
Confidence Points: 13


New Orleans Saints (-6.0) vs. Buffalo Bills
There is no doubting the Saints' offense anymore.  Drew Brees is the real deal.  But I still have questions about their defense.  They haven't faced an offense with the ability to attack, and in my eyes they aren't going to face one this week.  Buffalo hasn't looked too bad this season, but I see the Saints winning by at least a touchdown.  Look for New Orleans to go 3-0.
Confidence Points: 8


Chicago Bears (-2.0) vs. Seattle Seahawks
This game shouldn't be too hard for the Bears.  They knocked off the defending Super Bowl champion Steelers last week with a solid performance by Jay Cutler.  I still don't like this team in the long run, but this week Seattle is starting backup QB Seneca Wallace.  He played a good portion of the season last year for the Seahawks and led them to a 4-12 record.  Seattle is tough at home, but the Bears should win this one.
Confidence Points: 11


Pittsburgh Steelers (-4.0) vs. Cincinnati Bengals
This is a good AFC North match-up.  The champs are coming off a tough loss in Chicago while the Bengals went to Green Bay and outplayed the Packers.  The Steelers needed a wake-up call and I think they'll get back to smash mouth football.  Cincinnati may be able to throw the ball against the Steelers, but Pittsburgh can both throw and run the ball against the Bengals.  I don't see the champs losing two in a row, so I pick the Steelers on the road.
Confidence Points: 10


Denver Broncos (-1.5) vs. Oakland Raiders
This is an interesting game from a spread point of view.  At the beginning of the week Oakland was favored by 2.5 points (most likely from being home for the game) and people must have bet all over the Broncos for that big of a swing.  Denver has won both games against the state of Ohio, which includes an improbable freak play to beat the Bengals.  Oakland's defense has been keeping them in games and I think they're an underrated team.  Last I checked Oakland isn't in Ohio, so I pick the Raiders.
Confidence Points: 3


Miami Dolphins vs San Diego Chargers (-6.0)
San Diego lost to Baltimore last week because they didn't trust their strength, the passing attack.  Miami lost last week because they couldn't stop the quick pass attack of the Colts.  It's unbelievable that they controlled the ball for over 45 minutes and STILL lost.  That has to be demoralizing for that team.  Look for San Diego to throw all over Miami as the Chargers roll in this one.
Confidence Points: 9


Arizona Cardinals vs. Indianapolis Colts (-2.5)
This should be a good game on Sunday night.  Both of these teams have lethal passing attacks and questionable defenses.  The kicker for me is that the Colts seem to be able to run the ball a little better than the Cardinals.  Plus they're playing at home.  With a small spread, if the Colts win they probably cover, so I'm going with them.
Confidence Points: 12


Carolina Panthers vs. Dallas Cowboys (-9.0)
If Dallas didn't want to lose their home opener in their new crazy stadium then they shouldn't have opened against the Giants.  There are too many problems in Dallas for this team to be a real threat: Tony Romo, Wade Phillips, Jerry Jones, just to name a few.  Carolina looked better against Atlanta last week, but still didn't get the W.  Nine points is a big spread.  I imagine that Dallas is going to really try to run up the scoreboard to try to makeup for the loss last week and I think they'll win, but Carolina will stay close enough to cover.
Confidence Points: 2

[Mackenzie Phillips, daughter of "The Mamas and the Papas" singer John Phillips, revealed on Oprah yesterday that she had a 10-year consensual sexual relationship with her father. I know, you are laughing already. "Too Soon!" is, as always, written in conjunction with OC contributor Jim.]

What is Mackenzie Phillip's favorite movie?
Chinatown.

What was John Phillip's favorite band?
The Cherry Popping Daddies.

What lullaby did John Phillips used to sing to Mackenzie Phillips at night?
"Closer" by Nine Inch Nails

John Phillips decided to name his daughter Mackenzie because he had always wanted to have sex with someone named Mackenzie.

How did John Phillips discipline his daughter when she misbehaved?
With anal.

More bad news for Mackenzie Phillips today. She's just found out that she's been adopted by Woody Allen.

What's that saying? Nobody knows anything? I think we learned that this week in the NFL, as reflected in the huge shifts in the Power Rankings for week two, starting at the top. 3 of the top 5 teams and 6 of the top 10 from last week lost.

The Giants stake their claim to the top spot after the last minute victory in Dallas Sunday night. Filling out the top five are two of the biggest movers of the week, with the Saints shooting up 12 spots to number 4, and the Jets, uh, jetting up 10 spots to round out the top 5. As for the biggest drop? That information has been blacked out by the NFL.

There is a bold, manly prediction buried in the rankings this week. Want to know what it is? Read on to find out!

Rank (LW)	Team	Record	Comments
1 (3)		2-0	There won't be a tougher road game this season than the one the Giants played on Sunday night to open up Jerry Jones' Ego Stadium.
2 (7)		2-0	With all the other contenders looking shaky, the Ravens have established themselves as the class of the AFC.
3 (5)		2-0	Time of possession. Total yards. Rushing yards. The Dolphins dominated the Colts on Monday night in every category except for the one that mattered: the final score.
4 (16)		2-0	They still haven't really beat anybody (Lions and a McNabb-less Eagles), but they aren't just winning games. They are destroying their opponents.
5 (15)		2-0	Whatever your team allegiance, you have to love the Jets talking smack in the media all week to the Patriots and then backing it up on the field.

According to Mad Men, Don Draper is most assuredly not Thomas Edison.

The spot: A man is jostled on a crowded city bus. Another man peddles his bicycle in a suit through the driving rain, wiping the dampness out of his eyes and swerving to and fro. A third man, strapped into a helmet, navigates a Segway - a Segway! - through a crowded street. "Many people are trying to do their part," intones the announcer. Then, we see an old station wagon chugging up a mountain road, with a gleaming white car speeding along up behind it. As the white beast tears past the wagon, we get a push in on the wagon's bumper sticker: "Powered by Vegetable Oil." The announcer tells us, "Some just have more fun doing it," as the powerful Audi races by. On screen text informs us that this is the new Audi A3 TDI, which gets 42 mpg and produces 30% fewer emissions. Cut to a screen with the text, "Diesel: its no longer a dirty word. TDI Clean Diesel."

 

OK...so I only got 2 of 16 picks right last week.  But to my defense they were the picks that I gave the most confidence points to.  And it was Week 1 so no one really knows anything about the season yet (unless you are: MinicooperChickGoPats, Punt Party, Brett Favre is the Antichrist, Michael Vick's Rape Stand, I heart football, Gomer, Particle Men, Panthro, and Plaxico's Sweatpants).  So this week I'm throwing away my football brain and listening to my football gut.

But before I give you my picks for this week I want to rant a bit.

Rant #1 goes to the Baltimore Ravens who for some reason after being up by 7 with less than a minute to go GOES for it on 4th AND GOAL instead of kicking a field goal to be up by 10.  Granted they scored a touchdown putting them up 14, but if they didn't get it they would allow the Chiefs to drive down the field and score to tie.  If they kicked the field goal (the obvious choice) they would be up by two scores and would definitely win.  But they went for the touchdown because THEY WANTED TO COVER THE 13 POINT SPREAD!  There is NO other logical reason and the NFL should investigate the Ravens for betting on their own team.  Someone else please offer me any other reason.

Rant #2 goes to my beloved New York Giants.  While I will always root for the win regardless of the score, YOU ALWAYS GIVE UP THE SPREAD AT THE END OF THE GAME!  They always give up garbage touchdowns which both ruins the spread for loyal Giants fans and hurts their own defensive ranking both in actual NFL statistics and in fantasy.  Now I know that I'm being totally hypocritical in these two rants, but whatevs.

OK...now to the picks.


Carolina Panthers vs. Atlanta Falcons (-6.5)
The Panthers are sticking with Jake Delhome entirely based on the reason that they've guaranteed him $20 million and that their new backup A. J. Feely won't be able to do any better.  I think this is a team that is on the decline, but they can't have 3 terrible performances in a row, can they?  The brain says Falcons, but the gut says Panthers.
Confidence Points: 2


Minnesota Vikings (-10.0) vs. Detroit Lions
Adrian Peterson ran all through the Browns' defense in the second half last week and this week he gets possibly a worse defense.  Minnesota's defense is better than the Saints', so I don't see the Lions scoring many points.  As long as Favre sticks with the game plan like last week the Vikings should have an easy time again.
Confidence Points: 13


Cincinnati Bengals vs. Green Bay Packers (-9.0)
The Packers did NOT look good last week against the Bears, who were without their defensive leader Brian Urlacher for the entire second half.  The Bengals should have beaten the Broncos last week, but they need to score more points.  I think the Bengals will score more points, maybe not enough to win, but enough to cover the spread since Green Bay loves the close games.
Confidence Points: 9


Houston Texans vs. Tennessee Titans (-6.5)
Well the Texans looked HORRIBLE last week against the Jets and the Titans held their own against the Steelers and probably would have won the game if they hit either of those two early field goal tries.  Kerry Collins does a good job of managing games.  He doesn't win the big ones, but since this one isn't big, the Titans should win this one.
Confidence Points: 14


Oakland Raiders vs. Kansas City Chiefs (-3.0)
Interesting match up this week between two teams that need to figure themselves out.  Both looked good last week in pushing two playoff teams from last year to the end, but they both lost.  Since the Chiefs are at home and they should get Matt Cassel back at quarterback by brain says KC, but the gut says go with Oakland.
Confidence Points: 12


New England Patriots (-3.5) vs. New York Jets
The spread has been going down all week on this one, which means that people are betting on the Jets.  The Pats barely squeaked one out Monday night against Buffalo (who loves giving away MNF games) and the Jets overachieved last week and are getting very cocky in talking smack to the Patriots.  All of this together would mean that the Patriots are going to destroy New York, but the gut says that the Jets are going to find a way to win.  I think this is going to be a dangerous team this season.
Confidence Points: 1


New Orleans Saints vs. Philadelphia Eagles (Even)
This game wasn't being bet on at the beginning of the week (the Off(0) spread), but now you can gamble on this game now with no spread.  This is all due to no one knowing who is going to start at quarterback for the Eagles.  Regardless of who starts for Philly, I think the team with the better defense is going to win and there is no question that the Eagles' defense is superior to the Saints' so I'm going with the Eagles.
Confidence Points: 8


St. Louis Rams vs. Washington Redskins (-10.0)
The Rams scored ZERO points last week in Seattle and now they take on Washington.  I know that the Redskins scored 17 points in New York last weekend, 7 were on a fake field goal at the end of the first half and 7 were on a touchdown during garbage time at the end of the game, so that means that Washington should win this one 3-0 (actually it doesn't).  Last year the Rams only won 2 games, but one was IN Washington so I like the Rams to at least cover if not win.
Confidence Points: 3


Arizona Cardinals vs. Jacksonville Jaguars (-3.0)
This home game is being blacked out in Jacksonville for not being able to sell out their home stadium.  The Cardinals looked rusty against the 49ers last week, but started to get things going at the end.  I think they carry that into this week and get back to Superbowl form against a team that should be embarrassed that they can't sell out their home field.  Go with Arizona for this one.
Confidence Points: 11


Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Buffalo Bills (-5.0)
Buffalo let one get away last week, but they showed that they might be a problem for some elite teams.  Tampa Bay is NOT an elite team and they scored points last week against an overrated Cowboys defense.  I think TO has a big game at home and the Bills win this one.
Confidence Points: 7


Seattle Seahawks vs. San Francisco 49ers (-1.5)
Both of these teams had big wins last week against divisional foes.  Seattle completely outplayed the Rams (which wasn't hard to do) and the 49ers stunned the defending NFC Champion Cardinals.  To me this one comes down to who has more playmakers on the field.  I think the 49ers are on the way up and the Seahawks are on their way down, but I think Seattle is still a little higher up so they get the pick.
Confidence Points: 5


Pittsburgh Steelers (-3.0) vs. Chicago Bears
Both of these teams lost key defensive players in Week 1.  The Steelers were still able to win their game while the Bears couldn't get it done.  Ben Rothlisberger won the game for Pittsburgh, while Jay Cutler lost it for the Bears.  I think the trends continue and the Steelers win a hard fought game in Chicago.
Confidence Points: 10


Cleveland Browns vs. Denver Broncos (-3.0)
The Broncos won last week on a fluke while the Browns just lost the game.  Denver did keep it close for a long time against the Bengals so they were in that game.  Cleveland was in it for the first half against the Vikings, but their defense imploded in the second half.  This is a game that Denver SHOULD win and I think they will.
Confidence Points: 16


Baltimore Ravens vs. San Diego Chargers (-3.0)
Both of these teams struggled against teams that they should have beaten, but did win in the end.  The Ravens would be a 3 point favorite if this game was played in Baltimore, so this point spread is basically based on home field advantage.  With some running back controversy in San Diego, and the Ravens having a better defense, I like the Ravens to win this one on the road.
Confidence Points: 6


New York Giants vs. Dallas Cowboys (-3.0)
Same situation here as above.  The 3 point spread is based on home field advantage.  This home field advantage is a little different since the Cowboys are opening their $1 billion + new stadium filled with reportedly over 104K fans, largest in NFL history.  But the road team usually wins in this rivalry and I don't think the occasion will hurt the Giants.  As seen from their Superbowl run a two years ago, they love being the underdog.  This one should be good and I'm going with my Giants.
Confidence Points: 4


Indianapolis Colts (-3.0) vs. Miami Dolphins
Miami didn't look very good in Atlanta last week, but neither did the Colts.  Only managing 14 points at home was a little discouraging, but I think that helps the Colts this week.  The older Manning will get the pass attack back on track and lead the Colts to a victory on Monday night.
Confidence Points: 15

You are my new favorite internet meme. Please enjoy my humble submissions to your noble canon. Love, Jesse.

Obviously, I disappeared for about three months, which is what happens when you buy a house. You find a place in June, and suddenly its the middle of September and you don't know what happened to all of your time. And money. 

Some quick hits on week one before we get to the rankings.

Pittsburgh, New England, and Indianapolis won their games by a combined 6 points.

Buffalo, Tampa Bay, and Kansas City all fired their offensive coordinators the last week of the preseason. All three teams lost.

Jay Cutler's Chicago Bears are 0-1. Kyle Orton's Denver Broncos are 1-0. Jay Cutler's career record is now 17-21. Kyle Orton's career record is now 22-12. At some point this starts meaning something, right?

Is it too late for me to change my sleeper pick from the Bears to the Jets? It is? Shoot.
 

Rank (LW)	Team	Record	Comments
1 (1)		1-0	The Steelers headline a top five filled with teams that got a good scare in their first game. Such as...
2 (2)		1-0	If the Bills didn't try to run that last kickoff back...
3 (6)		1-0	Welcome back, Osi Umenyiora.
4 (3)		1-0	If Michael Vick isn't waiting in the wings, does Donovan "Mr. Glass" McNabb rush back from the broken ribs to try and play this upcoming weekend? I doubt it. Get that QB controversy machine revved up!
5 (4)		1-0	Hey, Colts, you only won by two. You know Marvin Harrison is still a free agent looking for work, right?

It would be bad enough that you were driving a black Mercedes. That would be enough to make you the biggest douche on the block.

And people who are in such a fucking hurry that they cut across a parking lot to avoid waiting at the traffic light at the corner like everyone else, because they are so much more important? You are now in the running for being the biggest douche in town.

But when you not only cut across that parking lot, but cut through it at 40 miles an hour, because anybody in this parking lot is going to the check cashing place, and anybody who goes to the check cashing place is less than a fly on your windshield? Well, sir, your lack of care for the lives of others when measured against an extra 2 seconds of your time makes you the biggest douche in the state.

But then! BUT THEN! Someone on a bicycle - oh heaven forbid, a motherfucking bike! - is in your way, and you have to slam on your brakes and come to a halt to avoid hitting him? Because you are driving around in your black Mercedes like a giant douche? You aren't just a giant douche, you are the biggest douche in the country.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE. You, black Mercedes driving, high-speed parking lot cutting across, brake squealing douche, couldn't just settle for being the biggest douche in the country. You wanted more. So when that guy on the bike cut across your path, you couldn't just think to yourself, "Wow, that was fucking close, maybe I should stop driving like an enormous douche." Oh no.

You honked. You honked your fucking horn at the guy on the bike for daring to exist. And that, sir, is what makes you the biggest douche in the world.

You see these? These are for you, black Mercedes. For as long as I have to. These are for you.

Sometimes, a technology comes along that is so elegant, simple, and beautiful that it makes the engineer in me swoon like a teenage girl at a Jonas Brothers concert. Last Friday, Volkswagen announced just such a technology. And no, this has nothing to do with electric cars, hybrid cars, or cars at all.

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Last year, when Hurricane Ike swept through southeast Texas, one of the most devastating effects it had was on the power transmission grid. Over the course of two months, the local utility had to rebuild 90% of the transmission system. That's nine-zero percent. I was lucky; my power came back on after only two days. Some were not so lucky; if the utility was still working two months later to rebuild the grid, that means some people did not have power for two full months.

Right before and after the storm, there was a rush on generators. You couldn't find one anywhere. And these portable generators generally run on gasoline. This presented two problems. The first was that the storm knocked out refining capacity in the area, resulting in a gasoline shortage. Prices either spiked, or the stations that were open ran out. And this was the second problem; stations without power could not operate their pumps, and were unable to open. People waited in line at operating stations (that had to be guarded by police) for upwards of three hours to get gas for their car and generators, only to find that the well was dry by the time they got their turn.

The reason for the devastation is that the transmission lines are all above ground. But there is a distribution system that is underground: natural gas piping. Natural gas service was uninterrupted during the storm. Many critical facilities that had backup power, such as hospitals and government operations, got that power from natural-gas fired internal combustion (IC) engines. But other than cost and commercial availability, there is no reason why you couldn't have an IC engine providing power at your home for an emergency.

Nobody does this because it isn't worth the cost. In my example, I could have spent thousands of dollars on an engine setup so that I could run it for two whole days. You probably think that's dumb. And it would be. But what if I didn't only run it for two days? What if I ran it all the time, and generated my own power?

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If you install a solar panel on your roof, you generate your own power during a non-emergency situation. Why couldn't you do it with an engine? The short answer is that it isn't cost competitive with power purchased over the grid, because unlike a solar panel, you have to pay for the fuel (it actually is cost competitive right now, for reasons we'll get to later). Small IC engines aren't as efficient at converting fuel into electricity as large utility-scale units. If you purchase 10 units of natural gas energy, and get 3 units of electricity out, then the remaining 7 units of energy is waste heat.

Except when you generate the waste heat at your home, it doesn't have to go to waste. You purchase energy to make heat all the time, to heat your home and water. If you captured the wasted heat off of the engine and used it in your house, then you can have a system that is more efficient and, therefore, more cost efficient than what you are doing now.

This is called combined heat and power, or CHP, and is one of the most neglected tools in the fight against global warming. While this type of energy generation still uses fossil fuel, it uses it way more efficiently than we are currently using it now. Combined heat and power can more than double the efficiency of fuel usage.

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Okay, so distributed CHP can provide backup power, reduce your energy bills, and reduce your carbon footprint using a mature, readily available technology. But here's the real kicker, and why the Volkswagen concept made me swoon: the wide-scale implementation of residential CHP using IC engines could save the automobile industry.

The IC engine is what powers your car. A car manufacturer is an IC engine manufacturer. Volkswagen is the first company I've read about that has realized this potential. They are teaming up with a German energy company to install 100,000 CHP units with a total capacity of 2,000 megawatts (or 20 kW per unit, equal to about 27 horsepower). For comparison, a typical nuclear reactor generates approximately 1,000 megawatts.

There is nothing special about the Volkswagen technology. Cars engines can be modified today to run on compressed natural gas (remember the Pickens Plan?) without significant increases in cost. Volkswagen is simply converting one of their Rabbit assembly lines to make the engines for the CHP units. As the demand for gas-powered cars decreases, Volkswagen has identified a potentially huge market opportunity for their products.

American car companies can do the same.

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When T. Boone Pickens unveiled his eponymous plan, the goal was to reduce demand on foreign oil by converting cars to natural gas. Switching cars to electric drives and then charging them at night in your home with an IC engine would have nominally the same effect, except now you could also use the heat and improve the efficiency of the whole cycle. And natural gas is not only readily available domestically, but currently at historically low prices. Advances in natural gas production technology combined with the economic downturn have driven the price of natural gas below $3/MMBtu (or $0.30/therm if that's how you pay for it).  If you had a 30% efficient IC engine generating electricity, and ignored the heat, $3/MMBtu for gas would get you electricity at a cost of only 3.4 cents/kWh.

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As the automobile industry slowly but surely switches to electric cars, there will be less need for internal combustion engines. But what if they took 100 years of expertise in IC engines and started making distributed CHP units for homes? The auto industry, the economy, the environment, domestic energy production, and power reliability all in one fell swoop.

See why the idea made me swoon?

When he first decided to move down to Texas, DT and I discussed how he could best watch his beloved New York Giants now that they wouldn't be the local team anymore. In the end, the decision was made to drop three bills on DirectTV's NFL Sunday Ticket package. My original estimate was that 6 games would definitely be available over the airwaves, and 8 games would not be available, leaving 2 up for grabs depending on the matchups. That meant, in the worst-case scenario, DT would be paying $300 for 10 games, for a cost of $30 per game. While Daytrader will undoubtedly argue that isn't fair because there is additional value to having the Sunday Ticket package in that he gets to watch every game, not just the Giants. Whatever.

Week 1 Results
What DT said: "Both Dallas and Houston have a 1 PM game (or I guess 12 in Texas) and the Giants play host to Washington at 4:15 on Fox.  CBS never has a late game the first weekend since that's when the US Open Men's Final is.  Looking at the other 4:15 games I'm sure that the Giants game is the marquee match-up so do you think that we would get that game?  I give it a maybe."

What I said: "If the Giants-Redskins play at 4pm with no Dallas or Houston game at that time, I guarantee that Redskins-Giants would be the game here, so put that one as a yes."

What actually happened: Giants-Redskins was indeed broadcast.

The Score
DT so far needed to spend: $0

Dear folks running Penn Station,

This has already made a few laps around the internet, so perhaps you have already seen it:

Now that you all have signed up for the OC Pick 'Em League (group ID 19207, password boobs), I'm sure you're all wondering who to pick.  It's not easy.  I mean how can you compare Vikings and Browns?  Vikings are savages from northern Europe, while Browns own Seven-Elevens and drive taxis.  How can I compare them!?

While there are tons of totally arbitrary ways of making picks based on absolutely NO football knowledge at all (and often these methods give great results), I feel like talking about football to my computer and will pass on my weekly picks to you and attempt to give reasoning based on some sort of self-proclaimed football knowledge.


Tennessee Titans vs. Pittsburgh Steelers (-6.0)
The NFL's opening game tomorrow is set up to be a good one: The Superbowl Champs host the reigning AFC regular season champions.  The game is in Pittsburgh, which I think is a big deal.  In my opinion the Titans aren't going to be as good on defense.  Pittsburgh brings back almost the same team as last year and they win games like this.  Since they're at home and are favored by less than a touchdown I pick the Steelers to win.
Confidence Points: 7


Miami Dolphins vs. Atlanta Falcons (-4.0)
Both of these teams were surprises last year.  They weren't supposed to be good and they both made the playoffs.  The Dolphins are flying under the radar now that Tom Brady is back with the Patriots, but I like their style.  The Falcons added Pro-Bowl tight end (hehe) Tony Gonzalez which will give second year QB Matt Ryan a reliable target, but I have a hunch that Miami might eek this one out.
Confidence Points: 2


Denver Broncos vs. Cincinnati Bengals (-4.5)
These are two teams with some questions this year.  Last year was tough for both, especially for Denver after completely collapsing and losing the AFC West.  Carson Palmer is supposedly healthy while Kyle Orton isn't and probably won't play.  I'd buy the Bengals before the Broncos this season so I pick Cincinnati to win at home.
Confidence Points: 5


Minnesota Vikings (-4.0) vs. Cleveland Browns
I'm shocked at how small the spread is for the Vikings.  I don't even care about Brett Favre.  The Vikings have Adrian Peterson and the NFL's best run defense.  The Browns don't even have a starting quarterback.  Unless Favre throws 4 interceptions (which very well may happens) the Vikings win big.
Confidence Points: 15


Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Indianapolis Colts (-7.0)
Jaguar fans will be able to watch this game since they're not playing at home, but it won't be one that they'll enjoy.  Peyton Manning is going to show everyone that HE is the reason that the Colts have been so good for so many years.  This will be a statement game for the Colts and that's why I'm picking them.
Confidence Points: 10


Detroit Lions vs. New Orleans Saints (-13.0)
The Lions went winless last season and are starting a rookie quarterback in Week 1.  That doesn't sound good for them to pick up a win, especially since the Saints have one of the best offenses in the NFL.  But I'm not picking outright winners, I'm picking against the spread.  The Saints defense is horrible and I believe that the Lions will lose, but cover the spread nonetheless.
Confidence Points: 4


Dallas Cowboys (-6.0) vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Other than their new gigantic punt-blocking jumbo HD screen in their new stadium there has been NO news coming out of Dallas this preseason.  I think that's a good sign for a team that has been nothing but underachieving for the past few seasons.  Tampa redid its entire team in the offseason and this is going to be a rebuilding season.  There is no way that Dallas can't win by less than a touchdown.
Confidence Points: 16


Philadelphia Eagles (-1.0) vs. Carolina Panthers
This is one of the best Week 1 matchups in my opinion.  Both of these teams have questions and with a 1 point spread this is basically a pick 'em game.  Carolina was undefeated at home in the regular season last year and the Eagles tend to be slow starters so the Panthers get the pick this time.
Confidence Points: 1


Kansas City Chiefs vs. Baltimore Ravens (-13.0)
The Chiefs are in a rebuilding mode, but I think they'll be better than most people think.  Matt Cassel (who may not play) will give them a legitimate passing attack.  Baltimore's defense is NOT going to be as good after losing their coordinator, but their offense will still help them win this one.  But just like the Lions-Saints match, I think the Chiefs will lose, but still cover the spread.
Confidence Points: 9


New York Jets vs. Houston Texans (-4.5)
The Jets are starting rookie QB Mark "Dirty" Sanchez and they have questions all over the offense.  The Texans have been getting better and better and I think this is a good Week 1 matchup for them.  The Jets will need time to come together, and I'm a little worried about the spread, but I still think Houston takes it at home.
Confidence Points: 8


Washington Redskins vs. New York Giants (-6.5)
A classic NFC East battle in Week 1.  Obviously there are questions about the Giants' receivers, but there are the same questions about Washington's QB Jason Campbell.  I think this is the best divisional foe for NY to face Week 1 and I think the Giants will get it done through defense and running the ball.
Confidence Points: 11


San Fransisco 49ers vs. Arizona Cardinals (-6.5)
The 49ers are still without their first round pick Michael Crabtree and without him I don't like their offense.  Arizona's passing attack is just too good and I think their defense should be able to hold off the lowly 49er offense.  I feel the spread is too low and this should be a cakewalk for the Cardinals.
Confidence Points: 12


St. Louis Rams vs. Seattle Seahawks (-8.5)
I don't know why everyone is on the Seahawks.  Their running game is questionable and is their aging QB Matt Hasselback.  Seattle does play well at home, but I like the Rams.  I think they'll play hard for their new coach and they have some play makers, so I go with the Rams to at least cover, if not win.
Confidence Points: 6


Chicago Bears vs. Green Bay Packers (-3.5)
This is another tough call for me.  I'm not sold on Jay Cutler as the savior for the Bears.  He throws too many interceptions and the Bears don't have any receivers, plus he's a baby.  The Packers should win this game, but last year they lost SEVEN games by FOUR points or less!  That's why they should win this game, but don't so I pick Chicago.
Confidence Points: 3


Buffalo Bills vs. New England Patriots (-11.0)
The T.O. show heads into New England to check on the health of the Golden Boy Tom Brady.  The Patriots have dismantled their defense this past year, but I'm not concerned about it with the Bills coming in.  The Bills may score points, but the Pats will score more and T.O. is going to start complaining fast.  The Patriots are my pick here.
Confidence Points: 14


San Diego Chargers (-9.5) vs. Oakland Raiders
The Raiders are a mess and they will be a mess until Al Davis dies.  San Diego's offense will get them all the points they need.  The Raiders defense has some talent, but I don't trust their offense.  The Chargers will get things done in Oakland as they begin running away with the AFC West.
Confidence Points: 13

Previously in Into the Ovens, I suggested a vegetarian alternative to my environmentally friendly lunch of peanut butter and jelly. Today, we're going to stay with the nut butter and jelly theme, but we're going to change which nuts are going into your mouth every day. We're going to make cashew butter.

Why make it instead of just buying cashew butter? Because the Daily Show has been on break for two weeks and I've been watching Alton Brown every night, that's why. And guess what? Alton Brown doesn't buy anything he can make himself. He makes his own mayonnaise. He makes his own crab cakes. He makes his own yogurt AND his own yogurt-maker. He makes his own liquid motherfucking smoke, okay? And he makes his own cashew butter. And now I make my own cashew butter.

This is an easy Alton Brown recipe. My plan is to work my way up to some of his more complicated recipes, where you are half chef and half MacGuyver, making cooking vessels out of household items and stuff you order from a chemistry lab catolog. But not yet. We will start out simple with some cashew butter.

Ingredients:

• 10 ounces of cashews, roasted and salted
• 2 tablespoons of honey
• 1/3 cup of walnut oil
• A food processor, preferably bigger than the one pictured here
  

Welcome to the Obscure NFL Power Rankings. For those that are unfamiliar with the concept of power rankings, here's how it works: the official OC Power Rankings committee convenes in a top secret location to debate the relative strengths and weaknesses of each team. Teams are then ranked accordingly, through the use of a top secret algorithm developed through the use of a DoD research grant.

The goal of the power rankings is to provide insight beyond the simplicity of a won-loss record, and provide deeper contextual meaning. You should then use this information when making your picks for the ObscureCraft Pick 'Em League (group ID 19207, password boobs), which everyone is going to play cause its lots of fun!

Okay, its actually just me (with a little input from DT) deciding which teams are better, colored by my own prejudices and ignorances. (This is the same way college football picks winners, by the way).

I have only a few rules in life, but here are three of them: When you win the Super Bowl, you automatically get to be number one in the first preseason poll. When you go 0-16, you are definitely last in the preseason poll. If you lose another 5 games, I might drop you from the list completely. And when you sign Michael Vick to your team, I reserve the right to make as many dog fighting related puns during the season as I can come up with.

Here are the top five. The rest are after the jump. Yes, I'm ranking and commenting on every single team

Rank	Team	Record	Comments
1		12-4	Super Bowl champions automatically get the top spot in the preseason ranking barring any major injuries or personnel losses, although...
2		11-5	...does anybody doubt the return of Tom Brady once again makes the Patriots the favorites to win it all?
3		9-6-1	I don't know why, but I just think the Eagles are going to have a good season, doggone it! It just seems like they have more of a pitbull mentality than last season. (Translation: this is the time of year when everybody picks the Eagles, only to watch them lose the first 3 games of the season.)
4		12-4	Hey, did you know that the Colts finished last year on a 9-0 run before that flukey, ref-assisted loss in the playoffs?? And Peyton Manning is a full year removed from his knee surgery?
5		8-8	A trendy pick for the playoffs powered as much by their potential on-field performance as their crappy division.

Today on the evening news here in Houston, there was a poll question for the audience to answer: "Do you think that President Obama should be broadcasting a speech directed at schoolchildren?" Since I am in Texas, you will be unsurprised that 64% of respondents disagreed with the President's decision. What may surprise you is that I happen to agree with them.

My objection is not because I am afraid that the President is going to be indoctrinating my non-existent kids with socialist propaganda. But, on the other hand, it kind of is. It's not the socialist propaganda that bothers me (socialism FTW!!) but the propaganda part. For a guy who has a problem with his enemies calling him the Dear Leader and comparing him to Hitler, as ridiculous as that all is, this, uh, seems like the kind of thing the Dear Leader would do, doesn't it?

Unless all this talk of "teaching the importance of education" is just a ruse, and he instead spends 20 minutes reading from My Pet Goat. That would be the greatest thing ever.

Whatever your position is on the death penalty, you'll probably admit that the killing of an innocent man by the State would be a tragedy. If you are a regular reader, you'll no doubt be unsurprised to hear my position on the issue.

Let me pause briefly to comment on the irony that I expect there is great intersection between those that find the government incapable of providing health care (life) but perfectly capable of administering capital punishment (death). Moving on.

The horrible irony of the anti-death penalty movement is that the best thing that could happen for the cause is for a man who has been executed to be proven factually innocent after the fact (there's even been a movie about it. Seriously!) In the latest issue of The New Yorker, David Grann profiles what may be just such a case.

Do yourself a favor and read the whole thing. But whether or not the case of Cameron Todd Willingham turns out to be the case that changes the debate about capital punishment in this country, about certain things there can be no doubt. Probability dictates that the United States has unquestionably, at some time in its history, executed an innocent man.

What's cool in high school?

Apparently, Spamroll sushi.

          So yesterday this kid named J.J., a sophomore from my Spanish class was sitting at the same lunch table as me.

            "Dude, what is that rank smell?"

            "Ummm, J., what is it in your lunch that smells like that?" and similar comments. He reached daringly into his paper sack and pulled out what appeared to be a giant piece of sushi.

            Now when I say giant, I mean GIANT. We're talking more than a foot long and about six inches wide, plus it was some four inches thick.

            "What IS that?'

            "G., I dare you to take a bite of that!"

            "No way!"

            "Show it to A.! Five dollars she'll faint."

            The hunk of sushi was passed around, inspected by everyone (though never taken out of the plastic wrap that covered it). Everyone wanted to know what it tasted like, but no one wanted to eat it.

            "Oh, fine! I'll take a bite!" said a kid named T.R. We cheered him on as bit into the sushi.

            He swallowed with a pained expression on his face and looked around. He looked a little green, and I actually mean it. His face had developed a slightly green tint, but that might have been due to dysfunctional cafeteria lighting.

            "Spam! There's no fish in there, that's SPAM, J." T. R. proclaimed after a few quick gulps of water.

            "Seriously? It's Spam?" Everyone was talking at once. Eventually, we all just forgot about the sushi and went back to our lunches.

            At least, we did until G. H. found a note in her lunch bag from her mom.

            "Your mom still makes your lunch?" J.J. said.

            "Yep."

            "Wow, I wish my mom made mine," he said as he reluctantly bit into his sushi.

By Jessica, the viola play

Right now, 1 in every 100 adults is in prison in the United States. And thanks to Survivor, VH1 Celebreality, and plummeting IQ rates, my unofficial statistics show that 1 in every 100 adults has been on a reality show. As both numbers rise, probability dictates that by the year 2020, one in every 100 adults will be a reality show star who is in prison.

The floodgates opened last week when "Megan Wants a Millionaire" contestant Ryan Jenkins packed his fiance into a suitcase and left her in a dumpster, presumably because he realized that his airline would likely charge an excess baggage charge. Tragic. And now we have even more shocking news that male dance instructors and fashion designers might use their power to force young women into having sex with them.

Celebrity fashion designer Anand Jon Alexander was sentenced to 59 years to life in prison Monday afternoon for sexually assaulting seven young women and girls he enticed with the promise of modeling jobs.

Alexander, who was a guest designer on the reality television show "America's Next Top Model*," was convicted last November of 16 charges of rape, sexual assault and other crimes. [Judge David] Wesley handed down the maximum sentence to Alexander for all but two of those counts, saying he showed no remorse for his actions and posed a danger to other young women.