HOUSTON, TEXAS - A felony suspect who tipped the scale at more than 500 pounds carried an unloaded 9mm pistol into city and county jails beneath flabs of his skin even though law enforcement officers repeatedly searched him, authorities said Thursday.

Thank god for the dedicated officer who, after being told the 500 pound man had been searched four times, said, No. I need to search this fat piece of shit one more time, just to make sure, and really get under all the folds. I've searched his necks, I've searched under his boobs, I've searched in between and under his ass cheeks... AHA! Under this fold below is right arm! Wedged up here next to a half-eaten turkey sub and a copy of Scattergories.