Be it resolved that:1) There exists a length of hair for a man that is optimal, independent of age or station in life;
1a) This optimal length is that exhibited by Stephen Colbert before his hair cut during a visit to Iraq;
1b) Units of length of hair shall be designated in "Colberts", with 1 Colbert equal to the length of Stephen Colbert's hair B.I. (Before Iraq)
2) There exists an age after which one's hair shall be maintained at a length of 0.8 to 1.2 Colberts
2a) This age is 33 years
3) Prior to age 33, men may allow their hair to deviate in the following manner
3a) Hair may any length or style up to age 5
3b) Hair may be any length or style EXCEPT MULLET up to age 15
3c) Hair MAY NOT exceed lengths according to the following schedule:
Age 15-20: 4 Colberts
Age 21-25: 3.5 Colberts
Age 26-28: 3 Colberts
Age 29-30: 2.5 Colberts
Age 31: 2 Colberts
Age 30: 1.5 Colberts
3d) If hair is to be kept short, it must be kept at 0.2 Colberts or less; 0.2-0.8 Colberts is not permitted;
These acceptable ranges are displayed in the chart below
Figure 1: Age vs. Hair Length
4) Exceptions to the previous rules are as follows:
4a) Black people
4b) Fabio
4c) Stephen Colbert
Be it further resolved that the afore stated axioms are PROOF POSITIVE that the length of my hair is currently within the acceptable boundaries of the Colbert Curve, given my age (27) and current length (between 2 and 2.5 Colberts). Furthermore, I may allow it to grow an additional 20-25% between now and October, Suzi, so GET OFF MY BACK MY HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL.
