["Dear Prudence" is published weekly on Slate.com. To read the original article, click here.]

Dear Prudence OC,
I've been happily married for more than 30 years, and I thought my husband and I had a truly loving relationship. My husband was recently hospitalized, and his boss asked me to carry my husband's cell phone so he could easily reach me for updates. My husband received a text message from a man saying that he was going to use him as a cover so he could visit another man in a neighboring town. This made me suspicious, so I looked in his wallet and found a visitor's pass to a gay men's health club. Then I found a gay porn DVD and Viagra in his gym bag. On his computer were gay Web sites. My husband had an excuse for everything. He said a man he works out with had given him the DVDs and the pass, and he didn't even know what they were. The Viagra was so he could be "ready" for me. He didn't know how the gay Web site cookies got on his computer. He said it was ridiculous that I could think he was gay after 30 great years together. I wanted to believe him. Last weekend, I came home unexpectedly and found him masturbating to gay porn. He said he wanted to see some porn, and this was the only thing he had because he didn't know where to get anything else. He thinks it's all no big deal. I'm devastated. I feel as if my whole marriage has been a sham, and I don't know what to do.

--Who Is He?

Hey, who among us heterosexual men hasn't, in a moment of weakness, found only gay porn in the 'ole porn stash and said, "Shit, I'm not into it, but porn is porn, right?" and proceeded to rub one out to two guys going at it. If you came home and found him doing another guy in the ass, would you accept the excuse, "No, no, I'm not gay, but I really wanted to have some sex, and the only thing around was this other guys asshole?" Does your husband work for the CIA by any chance? Because he's kept quite a big secret from you for the last 30 years. Although, based on your reluctance to accept facts, who knows how many warning signs have flown right past your radar screen undetected. Was your husband hospitalized for AIDS?

Speaking of which, if you've had sex with your husband anytime over the past 30 years, you probably have more venereal diseases than a plane ride back from Spring Break.

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Dear Prudence OC,
My wife and I recently had a large gathering of friends over the weekend. On the second morning, I was talking to my friend when his wife walked in, sat on a chair, and joined the conversation. When they both left the room minutes later, I saw a red stain on the fabric of the chair. I quickly cleaned it up. About an hour later, my wife came up to me and said she had found blood drops all over the bathroom floor. Just as we were beginning to wonder what was going on, another guest came in and told us that my friend's wife had just gotten up from a chair outside and left quite a bloody spot. Unsure of what to say, no one would approach her. We survived the next 24 hours with a minimum of mess, and then they left. This woman is married to a dear friend, and I hope to have them visit again, but this behavior is not acceptable. My wife says it is impossible that she did not know what was going on. What should I do?

--A Bloody Mess

You let a woman have her period all over your furniture for 24 HOURS and nobody could think of what to say? Here is a suggestion:

- Holy shit, did you just have your period on my chair?
- Hey, what the fuck is that on my chair? Is that your period?
- Hey, that's a chair, not a maxi pad, plug yourself up.

Some other suggestions: get a box of your wife's tampons, open it up, and start throwing them at her. Ask if she needs a drink, and then hand it to her with a tampon for a stirrer. Or, throw her out of your house because she IS HAVING HER PERIOD ALL OVER YOUR STUFF. You cleaned it up? YOU CLEANED IT UP?! I would have rubbed her nose it in like a misbehaving puppy!! I would have picked up the bloody chair cushion and then chased her around the house with it!

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Dear Prudence OC,
I am a 26-year-old, happily married woman with a lot of friends and acquaintances. In high school and college, I was angry and depressed, and cut and burned myself out of self loathing. My scars are mostly on my arms and thighs and usually are hidden by clothes. However, when my scars show, it inevitably leads to someone asking how I got them. I don't want to lie, but when I try changing the subject, it often comes up again, and saying something dismissive seems to create more curiosity. I've responded, "I'd prefer not to talk about it," but that tends to make people give me weird looks and avoid me. I am not ashamed, per se, of overcoming depression, but I don't think it is most people's business, and some people act differently around me when they hear about my past mental illness. Most of my friends know that I don't like to talk about the scars, but I meet new people almost weekly. Is there an easy way to defuse the situation? Can I ever wear short sleeves again?

--Scarred and Awkward

If you don't want to talk about the scars, then cover them up. If you don't want to cover them up, then be prepared to talk about them.

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Dear Prudence OC,
About four months ago, my wife and I found out that my 18-year-old son's girlfriend had a Twitter account. It became a guilty pleasure for us to occasionally look at this account to see what was up in her life. About two months ago, as they went through a breakup, it became heartbreaking for us to see her reaction. We were going to leave it at that, but since the breakup, I have occasionally gone back to see how she is doing. I know that my wife and son have no idea that I am keeping up with her. Even though she never posts anything salacious, I feel a little like a dirty old man. I make a vow to stop, but a week later I find myself going back just to see how she is doing because I convince myself that I am doing no real harm. Should I be worried about my behavior?

--Can't Stop Reading Tweets

Reading somebody's tweets shouldn't make you feel like a dirty old man. You feel like a dirty old man because you want to have sex with her.  And, you know what? That's fine. That's healthy. I want to have sex with her too, and I've never met her. Because she's 18, and I assume she's hot.

So, fine, its a little weird because its your son's ex-girlfriend, and you're reading her tweets while you think about railing her. As long as you don't act on it, you're in the clear. We're all allowed to have our own inner fantasy lives.