[Dear Prudence is published weekly on Slate.com. For the original article, click here.]

Dear Prudence OC,
I have been married for seven years, but I am still troubled by how to speak openly about masturbation with my spouse. I masturbate pretty much every morning after getting up and every evening before I go to bed, unless I think my wife and I will make love. The problem is that my wife sees my masturbation as a declaration that she does not please me, which is not true. I enjoy our lovemaking, and I'd prefer to make love to her as often as I masturbate; she's simply not interested in doing it that often. (Believe me, I've tried.) Moreover, she complains that I "take too long" and says she would be more willing if I were "normal" and didn't last so long. My wife also has suggested there is something wrong with me for wanting to make love or masturbate as often as I do. I accept that I'll never be able to make love to my wife as often as I would like, but how do I convey to her that masturbation is normal and that she shouldn't see it as evidence that she's inadequate?

--Illicit Self-Lover

Dear Self-Lover:

You can convey to her that masturbation is normal as soon as you start masturbating like a normal person. You bring to mind an unfortunate parallel with the early morning duties of dairy farmers. If you aren't milked by 6 am to you start mooing and stamping?

Treat your sexuality more like a joy and less like a chore, and maybe your wife will respond. And the "takes too long" problem that your wife is describing is a direct result of your constant tugging. She can't, uh, grab you quite as tightly as you can grab yourself.

Okay, I've been hard on you; now here is some actual advice. If your wife is reticent to have you pounding away at her for 2 hours or however long you take, it's time to invite her to participate in your extra-curricular activities. Don't make your sex life all about your access, or lack thereof, to her vagina. Think outside the box.

(PS: Every fact that I used in answering the previous question I learned from reading Savage Love. Seriously the best advice column being written today.)

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Dear Prudie OC,

A dear friend of mine recently sent me, and many other people, an alarming message letting us know that her mother is dying of leukemia. My friend very bluntly requested donations for a medical treatment that she and her mother believe will be lifesaving. They are both wonderful people, the kind you could rely on for support if something terrible happened to you. The problem is that the money is to send her mom to a "miracle" retreat that costs $2,500 a day. I have a science background and, after checking out the Web site of the place, I am fully convinced that this is a scam. The doctor claims to be able to change the pH of your body and diagnose your disease by watching your red blood cells move under a microscope. He also claims that "emotions cause cancer." I don't feel comfortable knowing my money is going to a charlatan, but I don't think it is my place to tell my friend that I think she and her ailing mom are being taken for a ride. Is there any good way to avoid donating money without seeming like a jerk?

--Not Conned

Dear Conned:

Your "science background" makes you "uncomfortable" paying $2,500 for a day of "treatment" with a "doctor" who claims "emotions cause cancer?" Grow a fucking backbone! If your dear friend was being beaten and raped in the middle of the street as part of a gang initiation would your science background dictate you do some research before writing somebody on the internet asking if you should intervene?

If this friend is dear enough to you that she can ask for thousands of dollars in donations for medical treatment, then she should be dear enough that you can tell her a con man is using her mom's leukemia as his ATM code. OF COURSE it is your place to tell her she's being taken for a ride! If not her dear friend, then who else is going to do it?

Also? CALL THE POLICE. It is called fraud, and it is illegal.

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Dear Prudence OC,
I'm 26, and for three wonderful months I have been dating a woman five years older than me. When we first met, neither of us realized the age difference. We share common values, and she gets along well with my friends and brother. The trouble is my parents. They find her "charming and lovely" but are appalled by our age difference. My mother has termed our relationship "weird" and "odd," which hurts me. They point out that I have not had many serious relationships. I love her and want to see how our relationship fares. It seems to me that this requires a long time, perhaps years. But my parents claim that I must decide within three months whether to marry her or not, since it would be cruel to waste her time on an ultimately futile relationship. Are my parents being reasonable here? Do I have an obligation to decide quickly whether I want to marry this lady? And, should I decide not to pursue this relationship, is there any way I could end it without hurting her? --Not Quite Benjamin Braddock

Dear Not Quite:
If you don't decide within three months whether or not to marry her, are your parents going to take away your allowance? Or ground you? Last I checked, 26 was a grown ass adult who could make their own grown ass decisions. Yup, I just checked again: you are an adult, grow the fuck up. Relationships are hard enough with two people involved; there's no room for your parents. You know who else is an adult? The 31-year-old woman you are dating. If she feels her biological clock ticking away like 24 coming back from a commercial break, then she needs to open her mouth and say so. If she doesn't, then she's just like you: enjoying the early stages of a promising relationship. Leave it at that.

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Dear Prudence OC,
A co-worker invited me to her wedding. Due to traveling for work that weekend, I responded that I could not attend and sent a gift. Now, I will be returning home a day early. I really don't want to go to the wedding. I travel constantly, and I just want to see my partner and some friends during my time off. The wedding is an overnight commitment. I am not especially good friends with this woman, but she found out I am returning early and is very hurt that I haven't said I'm coming. Am I being a terrible person to prefer some rare time at home over more travel to a wedding? Can I be honest with her about my reason, or should I just stop being selfish and go?

--Feeling Guilty but Torn

Dear Torn:

Maybe you should ask your co-worker what the cut off would have been. What if your plane landed that morning? Would it have been okay to go home and shower first, or were you to get in a cab and instruct the driver to ignore all traffic laws in getting you there? Maybe you could have hitched a ride on a military transport and parachuted in!

Do not allow yourself to fall victim to the wedding industrial complex. You got your wedding invitation/invoice, you paid your bill with a gift; your conscience is clean.  Enjoy your time off.