Before we begin, I have to apologize to my audience that reads this every week about getting this out a day late. Sorry, Kevin.
This week, in addition to the usual running side commentary from the Suze, we are visited by Rose, the official sister of Obscurecraft.net, and OC contributor Daytrader.
And DT immediately points out something that has somehow eluded me during the credits, which is that Kupono's name is showed with a bar over the U in his name. Is this So You Think You Can Pronounce?
This episode also starts off on Rose's bad side: "That was a really lame opening, they all hit there spot at the wrong time." Shit, Rose is really particular.
This week's Cat Deeley fashion update: a bright pink 1980's prom dress with a wide sparkly belt. Only Cat Deeley could pull that dress off. Well, her and her boyfriend. GOD I HATE HIM.
Everybody in the room boos when Mia Michaels is revealed as the guest judge. Rose: what is that shirt? Rose has a point, as she appears to be either wearing the puffy shirt from Seinfeld, or she's just tucked an enormous napkin into her jacket so she doesn't get orange Cheetoh dust all over her.
Jeanette and Brandon
Marc Generaeux whips up a cha cha cha cha cha for the Miami latin
ballroom dancer. This should be good, but it looks like the
choreographer isn't taking it easy on them.
i think to myself
during this routine: too bad he's gay, because Jeanette's latin
sexiness is completely wasted on him. I then think to myself: we're
going to have to listen to Mary screaming when this is over.
Daytrader declares: I'm going to come up with a nickname for every couple. So they are... Jeanette and Brandon...
Rose interjects: That's some nickname.
couple had the best disco in the history of the show on the first
episode, and two weeks later they have the best cha cha in the history
of the show. Kayla and Kupono
guess this is the week when there are too many people to do two dances
each, but not enough to actually fill up a show; there is SO MUCH
FILLER TONIGHT. Before each couple dances, they are recapping every
single dance they have done in the previous three weeks. Wake me up
when its time for dancing please.
Sonya is back to choreograph
another pop-goth routine. And from the first step, Kupono looks
terrible. We decide to call this group Kupono Kills Kayla, because
she's being dragged down by his terrible dancer, and it was the best
way we came up with to shoehorn them into the initials KKK. Also
because we are racist. The story of the routine was supposed to be
Kupono dragging Kayla towards hell, but it just looks like Kupono
dragging her towards the bottom three.
Mia Michaels calls this
Sonya's best piece ever on the show. In her defense, Mia Michaels can't
see much dancing through all her squinting.Randi and Evan
is like the girl from that Seinfeld episode that is ugly in some light
and pretty in others. She's only pretty when she's dancing. Right now,
she is NOT dancing. Yeesh.
Is this a new choreographer? I've
never seen her before. We're judging you, Joey Dowling. She's
apparently a real kate, so I like her too start. Unfortunately, as soon
as I reached that conclusion, the dancing started.
Horrible. Boring. Nonsense. The music is bad. Their characters don't
even make any sense. There is nothing here. NOTHING. They are in the
bottom three for the first time. Sorry, guys. After Jeanette and
Brandon gave us the best cha cha cha ever on the show, that might have
been the worst broadway routine ever.
Nigel calls this routine a
great homage to Bob Fosse. Well then Bob Fosse is a boring retard;
don't tell me that was a great anything, other than a great big waste
Was that Quantum Leap in the audience?! Yes, it totally
was. Awesome. If they made that show today, he definitely Quantum Leaps
into a reality show contestant at some point, right?Jason and Caitlin
Friedman!! You are the choreographer responsible for getting Max thrown
off the show!!!!!! IF YOU DON'T GET JASON OR CAITLIN OR BOTH THROWN OFF
THEN YOU ARE A DEAD MAN YOU BALD ASSHOLE!!!!!!!
apparently doing a piece from his upcoming off-Broadway production of
Species: The Musical. In this version, an alien comes down to earth to
impregnate a hobo. Nigel calls her outfit the Dancing Condom, which is
sort of true, if you had to hold your condom on with duct tape. Which I
do, so I understand.
Mia Michaels: "I don't think Brian came in
thinking this would be the most brilliant piece of his career, he just
wanted to have some fun with it." Suzi: "That was an... underhanded...
insult." Philip and Jeanine
Jeanine, and Philip's enormous lips come out for some wussy hip-hop
with Tabitha and Napoleon. And they'll be chained together for this
dance. This dance to ohmigod LOVE LOCKDOWN GOTTA KEEP YOUR LOVE
LOCKDOWN YOUR LOVE LOCKDOWN. Oh, and they are chained. I get it.
protests: "Wow, two hip hop routines for this guy, they must LOVE him."
Me: "But they pick them out of a hat!" Suzi: "Yeah, a hat filled with
nothing but hip hop."
The routine was okay, but we've seen so
far that these two can do pretty much whatever and get voted through.
Just for a challenge, next week they should have them do a contemporary
dance where she plays Anne Frank, and he plays the German soldier that
finds her, to see if people still vote for them.
Suzi about Jeanine: "She looks like.... something something something rehab, something something no, no, no."
Ade and Melissa
come out for a routine dressed like they are going to the Renaissance
Fair. Everyone in the room immediately start talking about how old
Melissa looks. Renaissance Fair outfit apparently translates as pas de
deux - and no, I don't know if I'm spelling that correctly, and I also
don't care. Melissa is a ballerina, so has no problem getting up on
point for this. Pas de deux is a difficult dance, but if you can do it
even marginally well, you are gauranteed to get through the week. And
A&M are doing it more than marginally well. Although Daytrader
thinks its gay.
Me: Would it still be gay if he was dunking a basketball? Because he could probably do one from how high he's getting.
DT: Wow, they should do a basketball ballet. That would be awesome.
filler! Nigel and Friends promoting something called the Dizzy Feet
Foundation. One of Nigel's friends is Katie Holmes, but but she can't
be here tonight, because she's chained to her bed. Oh, no, wait! There
she is!! And she's going to be performing on July 23rd on this show as
Judy Garland, directed by Tyce Diorio. That sound you heard was every
homosexual man hitting the ground in a faint.Karla and Vitolio
Karla. Last week was almost it for you, and this week you are paired
with Vitolio, AND you pulled the quick step. Oh dear. Oh god no. Okay,
must enjoy her now, while she's still here.
Usually being the
last couple is a good thing, because its the last thing everybody
remembers, but not so much when you get the quickstep. So, what do you
do when you get the quickstep to keep the audiences attention? MAGIC
TRICKS! The old reversible dress trick! It also helps when they
actually dance it well. Sure, the choreography covers up the fact that
they can't really dance the quickstep technically well, but that's what
they are supposed to do. Nobody does the quickstep well. Nobody.
Karla make it through this week? Randi and Evan, Kayla and Kupono, and
Jason and Caitlin could all easily be in the bottom three. That's the
only possible combination that doesn't include Karla. But this dance
did prove one thing: I had been blaming Vitolio for the troubles of the
AV Club the last three weeks, but he stepped up big time this week.
Sorry, Yaworm: I guess Asuka sucked.