Amazingly, I actually have TV despite Comcast's best efforts so this recap can actually happen.  Two mindblowing things happen in the first few minutes: Cat wears something not completely absurd, and the group dance doesn't suck.  In fact, it's pretty damn great, perhaps the best hiphop one I've seen. 

Nigel is sad that all the celebrities died, which I'm sure Jesse and Jim will be joking about shortly.  Farah taught him how to make a pecan pie.  Michael Jackson is a "life to celebrate, an inspiration".  Keep Nigel away from your children.  Hel cannot stop talking but it is, thankfully, a break from Cat talking about how sad Thursdays make her.  They go into the Thriller video, which is amazing but like most people I just watched it on Youtube this afternoon. 

Now the results: Asuka and Vitolio are up first.  Heartbreaker is a song that's fun to play on Rock Band so that is something.  However Asuka's eye makeup is the stuff of hellish nightmares (much like interacting with Comcast in any way).  They are in the bottom three, and Vitolio is at some severe risk since he and Ade are eerily similar but Ade is better.

Brandon and Jeanette are up next, and almost certainly safe since they nailed a good routine.  Randi and Evan follow, which means more ass puns.  They've gotta be safe, although the phrase 'butt poodle' is now ingrained in my mind.  "The butt made the cut".  Thanks Cat.  She squeezes out one last joke before moving on to Philip and Jeanine.  This was a good routine, although Philip's goofy ass face still bothers me.  Jeanine had a sexy housewife thing that worked, and they, too are safe.

Melissa and Ade had a forgettable Roomba which didn't at all remind me of an adorable vacuuming robot.  I deduct points for that and Ade's passe Barack Obama shirt, but America disagrees.

Karla and Jonathon totally pulled a Comcast to start things off.  Jonathon is a real weak link, but Nigel tempted fate by daring the audience to not vote for him so maybe they'll survive thanks to the power of spite.... no, they do not. 

Caitlin and Jason.  Really, SYTYCD, O Fortuna?  This reminded me of 300 and the confusing feelings the ripped men thrusting their rock hard spears into each other's sweaty flesh gave me.  Except this time there was a woman.    

Kupono and Kayla -  Kupono is only here due to a bizarre decision by the judges, and the Viennese Waltz is still boring.  They survive, to which I say fuck you, America, leaving Caitlin and Jason in the bottom three.  I blame the bizarre choreography and song choice for that one, they should get some slack with the judges.

Toni Basil has amazing posture.  Nigel makes her call out Karla and Jonathon as sucking.

The Rage Boys Crew?  Small goofy looking children are dancing.  In an incredibly irritating surprise, they don't completely suck.  If there's one thing I hate, it's when TV makes me re-examine preconceived notions.  I didn't fast forward through it, although I would not, as Cat says, call them "the coolest dudes in the world ever"  Or bow down.

Before the solos start, I'd peg Vitolio as the favorite guy to go home, and I guess Caitlin as the girl.  That would suck since she really isn't bad, but Nigel has severe yellow fever and Karla is only there because her partner sucks.  Jonathon also sucks though.

Asuka's first up with the solo, and again I find it hypnotic.  Her dancing really isn't that good but it is strangely captivating.  Perhaps it's the fringe.

Vitolio comes out to that really overplayed Coldplay song.  HA HA THAT IS FUNNY BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL OVERPLAYED.  Cat loves the song, which doesn't surprise me.  The solo is boring.

Karla one ups him and comes out to 15 Steps by Radiohead, which surprises me so much I can barely pay attention to the routine.  It is good and she is stunning, although I don't think I realized how tiny she is until now.

Johanthon does some acrobatics but this time actually dances during his solo.  A bold move.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:  Virtuality is being billed as a movie event, but it's actually an unsold pilot that got really good reviews from the Battlestar Galactica dude.  The rumor is if it gets decent ratings Fox might actually pick it up.  It's a decent idea so set yo DVRs for tomorrow at 7. 

Caitlin's solo is good, and I'm not sure who'll end up going home of the ladies.

Taking Back Sunday, Jason?  I am scoffing so hard at these music choices.  I did not hate this solo though, a surprisingly good set of performances all around.    Asuka probably deserves to go home, as do well, most of the guys.  For Karla's sake I hope it's Jonathon so she can get a real partner.

The Veronicas are a band fronted by women.  That appears to be their main gimmick.  They want to KISS A GIRL.  HOW REVOLUTIONARY.

The judges are unanimous.  Caitlin steps forward and had apparently the best solo.  Asuka's stock is dropping rapidly.  Karla 'never found her center, was not as strong as we know she can be', Nigel loves Asuka but she is not growing, and is thus going home.

They are not unanimous.  Vitolio steps forward, "always shows promise, doesn't deliver'.  Jonathon has tons of fans I guess because he is dreamy? "Good looking lad, doesn't have the dancing"  Jason gets cheers and also sass from Nigel about his clothes   "Not strong enough to get you through... had you been against better boys" OH HO HO WHAT A TWIST.  They are keeping Vitolio. 

And that's that.  A surprisingly watchable results show, with a good group dance, decent guest dancers, and mostly good solos.  They should have sent both Vitolio and Jonathon  home and brought back Max though, he was better than any of those three.