And here we go, as I take a break from the endless hell of packing to recap a mostly filler rewards show!  Cat Deeley opens it up wearing a sassy low cut suit, apparently having taken last night's criticism to heart.  The opening number is a bizarre Mya Michaels choreographed routine of robots* set to Stevie Wonder's "Higher Ground".  I get distracted by how much better the original is than the Red Hot Chili Peppers version and zone out.  Lil C's ridiculously nonsensical statements get a montage of their own, complete with reaction shots of the crowd.  They're a hilarious mix of 'pretending to understand it' and 'shaking head in disbelief'. 

*maybe, I don't fucking know.
First three couples:
Melissa and Ade: Why is ballerina such a dirty word to Nigel?  Doesn't matter, "America loved them".

Caitlin and Jason: Shane Sparks hiphop routine.  It sucked so I'm expecting them in the bottom.  Both of them are incredibly hot though, so it might be enough for a pass.

Philip and Jeanine: Their tango wasn't bad, but damn Philip's face bothers me for some reason.  That is a completely absurd outfit Jeanine is wearing.  If you didn't watch it, go Google it, I'll wait. 

One of the two are in danger, and sure enough, it's Caitlin and Jason.  Mary isn't surprised, although she really loved the Bollywood routine from the first week for some inexplicable reason.  Even more inexplicable?  Fox is running a version of the Bachelor for fat people.  WHO WANTS TO SEE THAT?

Brandon and Jeanette:   A bizarrely watchable disco routine.  Yeah, I can't believe it either.  Gotta be safe... and they are, no surprises there.

Jonathon and Karla: The only possible reason they'd be in the bottom three is backlash for the amazing judge's review.  Not happening.

Ashley and Kupono:  At this point I am wishing they would put the names up so I didn't have to double check how to spell the ridiculous names.  This routine was also not good, I'm betting they're in the bottom.

One of the two couples is in danger, and I nailed it.  Not that it was shocking, except for Lil C who apparently didn't expect it.  I'm actually not sure who the third couple might be though, hopefully not Asuka and Vitolio.  They did get a complete clunker of a waltz.

Interlude: Evan's fat, bald but incredibly talented brother gets a ticket straight to Vegas for the fall season.  He better make the Top 20, or I will blog angrily about it, and nobody wants that.

Evan and Randi: Fun fun fun fun fun.  Hopefully they're safe, they are downsy and adorable and I'm kind of hoping Randi's husband shows up with a sledgehammer for getting cuckolded by a nerd.  Now that's entertainment!  They are thankfully safe

Asuka and Vitolio: Jesus I forgot how dull this routine was.  Can the judges' praise save them?  Yes, yes it can.  Vitolio picks her up and runs offscreen in joy. 

Max and Kayla: A weird routine, and not amazing enough to make up for the unconventionalness.  Holy shit from that angle he does look like Michael Emerson, that's fucked up.

I am fast forwarding through the guest dance, deal with it.  As I fast forward I note just how many Dunkin' Donuts commercials are on, and crave blueberry iced coffee.  Unfortunately, I already packed my coffee pot.

Caitlin leads it off with some Adele, which I think somebody used last week.  It is fine and not noteworthy.  Jason looks silly, he is not doing it for me although his jumps are admittedly really great.

Ashley has an incredibly hot outfit/hairstyle combo going on although her makeup is in the 'French Prostitute' style.  Kupono is wearing approximately fifteen pounds of chain.  I don't know enough about his style to judge it, but it looked pretty good.

Kayla is great, all her moves flow except for what looks like one stumble but that could be part of the moves.  No way she's going home, definitely the standout of the evening among the ladies.  Max comes out to Footloose.  Oh Kenny Loggins, you're a punchline by yourself.  Not laughable: his dancing, which is as great as his partner's.

Oh Jesus I am caught up and can't skip through the musical number.  Thanks for not putting the artist's name on the screen, assholes at Fox.  The performance is not good enough to bother looking up the spelling, so she will go nameless.

The judges are not unanimous on either gender, due to them wanting to lose someone not in the bottom six.  Caitlin had great quality movement and control.  Wipes out memory of bad hiphop routine, she is safe.  Ashley had 'wonderful Hollywood glamour', but had no substance.  She's probably out, since Kayla is great.  The solo was 'crowded'

And the person going home is... Ashley. 

 Jason was 'exceptionally strong, possibly the best on the series to date'. 

Kupono had 'very little substance, but an intelligent dancer'  not looking good for Max.  Max works incredibly hard, but is restricted by the ballroom style.  Max goes home, which sucks but looking at his clip show he had some goofy-ass routines.  Question for the audience: who picks the music for these terrible montages?



(Michael Emerson, seen here watching the results)