So You Think You Can Dance, the summer reality competition show you absolutely should be watching, has made it through the audition stage and is ready to get down to business. I celebrate with a recap. Don't watch? Don't give two shits? Don't worry, I only plan on doing this for tonight.

We're going to go couple by couple with my thoughts, and a thought or two from Suzi thrown in as well. Buckle up.

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Jeanine and Phillip

Phillip is what I call a Legacy - we've seen him in previous seasons trying out. He's the best popper the show has ever found, and, like all poppers before him, will do poorly outside of his genre, skate by on the strength of his solos for a few weeks, but not make the top 10 - he's Hok from a few years ago, right down to the Legacy status. Jeanine is an unknown, but meets the first criteria for any good SYTYCD female performer: I want to have sexual intercourse with her.

They get a routine choreagraphed by Tabitha and Napoleon (no last names), which means wuss hip-hop. But damn if they didn't use Phillip to his potential - I didn't even look at whats-her-name. HOW DOES HE DO THAT WITH HIS ARMS WHERE ARE HIS BONES. These guys fly through week 1.


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Asuka and Vitolio

If Yaworm is watching, he just rubbed one out, because Asuka is a sexy Asian girl with no boobs. This duo continues a tradition of SYTYCD; performers with ridiculous fucking names. Vitolio? Was your dad an Italian-made scooter?

Tyce Diorio gives them a Broadway routine, which puts Asuka in an outfit which wastes her primary assets. There is no excuse for them to cover anything on her other than the legal minimum to air on primetime television. In fact, her boobs are so small I'm not even sure they are required to cover them. Nice spotted bow tie on Vitolio, though the Hitler mustache is probably a bad decision. They have absolutely no chemistry together as dancers, and the routine is boring with a capital BORING. Depending on the quality of the upcoming performances, this could be our first couple in the bottom three. Suzi concurs, and then adds: "See, I don't need to read your blog! I read your mind." READ MY BLOG SUZI.

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Karla and Jonathan

A nice pair - but enough about Karla's breasts. Yes, that's right, I'm going to be objectifying every female dancer tonight. DEAL WITH IT THAT IS MOST OF THE REASON WHY I WATCH THE SHOW. Also, it was nice of Jonathan's parents to give him permission to show up on a school night.

Tony Meredith gives them a Cha Cha, which is good news for me, because that means Karla will be missing quite a bit of clothes. I could have done without seeing Jonathan's nipples, but I wasn't really watching him anyway. Super routine, and these two also sail through week 1. Karla also sails right into the vault of my spank bank.

Suzi adds: "God I love Adam Shankman!" He is the guest judge tonight, and I concur, he is the best.

Judge Mary Murphy adds: "I like my cha cha rough." Uh.

Judge and token Brit Nigel Lythgoe adds: "You guys exploded on that stage!" Uhhh.

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Randi and Evan

Randi is also known as leotard girl, because she only wore leotards during the audition phase. I wonder what she's going to look like not in a leotard? Evan is an early favorite. He auditioned with his brother, and the judges, who are ASSHOLES, made them both come out for the final spot in the top 10. His brother was the better dancer, AND the better choreographer, but he was fat and bald, so...

Tyce is back to choreograph a Broadway number, which is how you know the producers love Evan, because he's a Broadway dancer. (That's also how you know they loved Phillip, because they gave the popper a hip hop routine).

Suzi adds about Evan: "He's so cute and down syndrome-y."

This, unlike the last Broadway number, is a fun routine, and Evan's built-in fan base from the audition shows assures they make it through. You can probably pencil them both in for the top ten, because she's also really good.

Evan's brother is in the audience, along with his other brother, who is wearing a T-shirt that says "The Other Brother".

The Best Reality Show Host Ever (tm) Cat Deeley adds: "Aren't you just the cutest little couple, I could just put you in my pocket!" Because they are both 5 feet tall. She said it with a British accent and long, beautiful legs. I love you Cat Deeley.

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Paris and Tony

I wonder if Paris knows London from America's Next Top Model? Tony made a name for himself by being the least qualified dancer in the top 20, and making it in by charming the judges. So, I guess the judges find jerkoffs charming. I don't like Tony.

The producers continue profess their love for Tony, a hip hop dancer, by giving him a hip-hop routine with Tabitha and Napoleon.  Too bad it doesn't work out: Paris, a ballet dancer, totally out-dances him, even though this is supposed to be in his wheelhouse. The judges placed faith in Tony to step up his dancing by putting him in the top 20, and then they give him a choreographer in his own style. And he repays all that faith with failure.

Suzi adds: "I like the little S&M costume she's wearing."

Paris and Tony? Join Asuka and Vitolio in the bottom 3. Poor Paris. Will she be able to out-dance Asuka and Nigel's sexual attraction to Asuka in the solos tomorrow?

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Caitlin and Jason

This couple is incredibly bland. I have nothing to say about them. And they get a Bollywood number by Nakul Dev Mahajin? I haven't actually spell checked that name, because that is ridiculous to be named like that. Fuck, you guys are in the bottom three already.

This number is choreographed to Jai Ho from Slumdog Millionaire: the first Academy Award winning song on SYTYCD? The whole inclusion of Bollywood style is an excuse for the producers to pat themselves on the back for being worldly and multi-cultural, but detracts from the competition. Think I'm lying? Watch: they dance the shit out of it, and Caitlin sticks her tongue in his mouth at the end for some reason, but I'm sure the home viewers are not going to appreciate this routine. For example, I don't. INDIA YOUR CULTURE BORES ME. The judges lavish praise on them, but I think they could have danced it like Elaine from Seinfeld and they would still praise it to show how culturally sensitive they are. Get rid of the Bollywood shit!

Suzi adds: "That routine was the hardest of the night, and I don't think the people at home know that."

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Jeanette and Brandon

There are some styles of dance that almost anyone can pull off on this show, and then there are some that only work when the dancers are incredibly skilled and charismatic. These are the Viennese waltz, the foxtrot, and the quickstep. Basically any non-Latin ballroom style. Louis Van Amstel choreographs a foxtrot for them. This might be the most technically gifted pairing of the night, so will they be able to pull it off?

Holy shit yeah. Amazing routine. Brandon is so strong, he just lifts this girl up over his head, and tosses her around, and doesn't even strain. I'm still not sure if they can be comfortable with the voting, because the ballroom dances are always tough with audiences, but this was an incredible job. Even if they are in the bottom three, the judges will put them through to next week on the strength of that performance.

Suzi adds: "Beautiful posture, omigosh. They are doing a great job." Omigosh, Suzi? Where are the fucking swear words? We need to get you out of Texas.

This exchange needs repeating:

Cat Deeley: "Mary Murphy, give us an eyebrow and then give us your comments."
Mary Murphy: "I can't, because of botox!"

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Ashley and Kupono

Ashley, you are a cutie! Another legacy, she tried out 4 times before finally making the top 20. Her persistence will be rewarded with 3 weeks in the top 20 before being eliminated. So, hope those four years of your life was worth it, Ashley! Kupono is from Hawaii, so he's got a weird name, had a weird haircut before he shaved it off, and is weird. Hawaiians are all weird.

WADE ROBSON ALERT! WADE ROBSON ALERT! They are doing a routine dancing as two crash test dummies. Wade Robson you are amazing. I would be interested in some of your other projects. GET IT. No you don't, unless you are Rose. Hi Rose!

If you get a Wade Robson routine, you have to do a terrible job to get voted off, because they are always incredible and, more importantly, memorable. They did not do a terrible job (they did a fantastic job) and can sleep easily tonight.

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Melissa and Ade

There is a choreographer on this show named Mandy Moore. That used to be confusing, because there was a pop star named Mandy Moore. Too bad she died. She's dead, right? Melissa is a ballerina, but she's a naughty ballerina, so, you know. She'll have sex with you, I guess. Also, she's 29, so there are lots of jokes about how old she is. HAHA KILL YOURSELF YOU OLD HAG. Ade is pronounced "A day", as in "It'll be about a day before he's eliminated from this competition."

They pulled out all the stops for this one: the all white outfits, Ade's shirt is open, "Right Here Waiting For You" by Richard Marx. Oh, and they basically spent the whole routine grinding their crotches together. Okay, FINE, it was a good routine. They'll be safe tomorrow, anyway. But I wouldn't be signing any long-term leases, if you know what I mean.

Suzi adds: "There were alot of interesting sex positions in that routine."

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Kayla and Max

Another Kayla? Oh, wait, there's a Karla and a Caitlin, not a Kayla. Glad we got that straightened out. GLAD THERE'S NO CHANCE FOR CONFUSION HERE. Kayla has adorable grandparents, which should be good for an episode or two. Her partner Max is a ballroom dancer, and they will be dancing a samba. Plus, they are in the pimp spot, aka last dance of the night. They would have to fall into a coma or rob a bank during the routine to not get through.

I am always a little bit disturbed when, during a sexy routine like this, I find myself watching the guy more than the girl, and that is definitely happening. Max is dancing her off the floor. Its not because of his swirling hips, or his open shirt. He's just dancing better! Seriously! No, you're gay!

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So, bottom two: Asuka and Vitolio, and Paris and Tony. As for the third sot, I have to go with Caitlin and Jason, even though they danced their Bollywood routine well according to the judges. Suzi disagrees, saying Melissa and Ade will be in the bottom instead of C&J. Who is right? Who's cuisine reigns supreme? You'll have to watch the show tomorrow to find out for yourselves! Because I'm not gonna do this every fucking episode!