Cat Deeley comes out looking gorgeous in tangerine gladiator chic tonight. Which of course means she'll probably be wearing a garbage bag paired with a sassy black woman's Easter hat tomorrow. She never looks good two days in a row.

Watching the top dancers come out just makes me realize how much I miss last year's top ten. Especially the top 5 guys. They were all so good. COME BACK TWITCH I LOVE YOU.

Ahem.

Tonight's rotating judge seat is Toni Basil. Yes, that Toni Basil. And she announces that she has won a living legend of hip hop award? What? This is hip hop??



Hey, Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine I bust a CAP IN A NIGGA YO MICKEY *BANG BANG BANG* YO MICKEY *BANG BANG BANG*

Karla and Jonathan

Tonight's gimmick for us to get to know the dancers better is "What would you do if you weren't dancing?" Karla would be a journalist, and Jonathan would be in middle school.

Dave Scott hip-hop routine! Finally. I've been waiting all season for him to re-emerge on the choreography circuit. He is the premiere hip-hop choreographer in the history of the show, bar none.

So somebody is gonna have to tell me how Jonathan did other than is (admittedly cool) kick flip, because I couldn't take my eyes off of Karla. Nigel says that it seemed ironed out and unexciting - that must have been Jonathan's fault, because she was hitting it. He also calls them out for lack of chemistry, and I have to agree; Jonathan totally failed to have chemistry with Karla's amazing performance. DON'T YOU DARE PUT MY KARLA IN DANGER JONATHAN YOU BABY FACED BITCH.

Asuka and Vitolio

The AV Club (has this caught on yet?) get everybody's favorite pop star name sharing choreographer, Mandy Moore, for a jazz routine that confuses poor Asuka. Oh, no, Asuka is crying! Yaworm*, hurry and comfort her!

In typical Mandy Moore fashion, we have (a) an 80s song that Suzi probably has on her iPod, and (b) silly fluorescent spandex outfits. But no amount of makeup and silly outfits can make up for the complete dud that is this routine. Are we sure they are even awake? They certainly lost whatever chemistry they were able to muster for their waltz last week. The AV Club is going to have another week in the bottom three, and it might not be too soon to start saying your goodbyes, Vitolio.

Wait, what? Did Nigel just give them a good review? Nigel, get your face out of Asuka's snatch for five minutes, would you? Mary brings some sanity to the proceedings and calls them out for the same problems that the last couple had - a complete lack of chemistry and the dance was entirely out of sync. Other than that it was great, though, Nigel.

*I need to issue a correction: last week I erroneously stated that Yaworm would rub one out once he saw Asuka. He corrected me by indicating that there was no need to rub, she was hot enough to set him off hands free. Duly noted.

Ade and Melissa

Time for a naughty dance with the naughty elderly ballerina. Naughty!

Tony Meredith is teaching Melissa, Ade, and Ade's afropick a rhumba. Boy, if I didn't know Melissa was so old, I'd swear she looked incredible in this dance. But of course she doesn't, because she's old. Which is gross. Suzi calls her out for lack of Latin rhythm, even going so far to declare that she doesn't look sexy while she's doing it. Suzi, don't be a hater.

Nigel finally breaks down, and makes the "what a difference Ade makes" joke. I bet Nigel has been planning that one since the auditions. This couple sails through eliminations tomorrow.

Jeanette and Brandon

ANOTHER Dave Scott routine? Oh heavens, I do believe I have the vapors. And unlike the first one which Jonathan ruined with his incompetence and inability to have chemistry with a gorgeous exotic woman (god i hate you jonathan), they killed it. These two are obviously in the top ten, and probably beyond. Brandon's hip hop is really good. In fact, he almost could have tricked me into thinking he was a tough street dancer until he opened up his mouth and sounded like Will Smith sucking on helium.

Mary makes the excellent point that this was a rock/hip hop routine as performed by a salsa and contemporary dancer. Last week I bitched about Philip doing a terrible tango, and by extension complaining about watching dancers outside their element. These two, on the other hand, highlight how this show can find the best talents by seeing them perform at a high level outside of their disciplines. Then she ruins her good point by screaming like a retard, but the point stands.

Kupono and Kayla

Last week, Kupono should have gone home to be a costume designer or whatever gay thing he does when he's not gay dancing. Fate punishes this injustice by giving the new pair a Viennese waltz, which has historically been a kiss of death.

Two thoughts. First, Kupono obviously didn't design his own costume this week, because his outfit is incredibly stylish. Secondly, that was BEAUTIFUL. I forget off the top of my head who choreographed Kayla and Max last week, but that person bears 100% of the blame for creating a routine that nobody understood.  Don't be surprised if we never hear from that choreographer again. Not because the producers don't ask him back, but because Max had his Russian mob connections roll him up in a carpet and throw him off a bridge.

For the first time in this show I am finally moved to agree with the judges (who have loved her from the start) that Kayla is a beautiful girl and a beautiful dancer. This couple will glide through eliminations tomorrow.

Evan and Randi

Every week, Evan's Down's syndrome gets more and more pronounced.

Mia Michael's brushes the Cheetohs off her lap and rolls off the couch this week to choreograph a contemporary routine. The worst thing about Mia's routines is that, as much as I hate her, and as much as I hate she's a fat choreographer who can't do her own routines, almost every time I have to admit that the routine itself was unbelievably good. She is responsible for some of the most memorable routines in the history of the show, and, as we've been reminded time and again, is an Emmy winner.

Gah, you've done it again, Mia! You made Randi sexy! How did you do that? She's barely four feet tall, married, and wants to be a schoolteacher! For the second time in three weeks, this couple dances in their pajamas. I think the idea that they are about to go to bed makes Evan's droopy eyes look more reasonable. But (and there is a but) the song, routine, and Randi's sexy outfit and butt shaking make this another Mia Michael's winner. *shaking my fist towards the heavens* MIAAAA!!!!!

Here's another couple that is definitely gliding right into the top ten.

Jason and Caitlin

After being in the bottom three, Jason and Caitlin get the first paso doble of the year. Paso doble is, of course, Spanish for "dance of the douchebag", and this routine does not disappoint. Jason looks like a douche getting ready to go out to a leather daddy club, and I think (not for the first time) that Caitlin is completely overrated as a dancer. Unless the last dance is a disaster, this couple is going to find themselves in the bottom again. Oops, I just checked, and Philip is in the next dance, which means he could actually poop himself on the dance floor and his fans would still vote for him. Caitlin, you might want to join Vitolio in saying your goodbyes this week.

Jeanine and Philip

These two did a terrible tango routine last week and sailed through, so I don't think they have much to worry about, sitting in the pimp spot with a Tyce Diorio broadway routine. With a couch!

Suzi notices that Phillip appears to have torn his pants. Why, yes he did. I saw his underpants! Whatever, these two are already in the top ten, no reason to even watch this routine. But watch it I do, and I'm underwhelmed; Phillip didn't get to do his no arm-bones thing, and the routine was boring. The song is a classic from one of my all time favorite movies Singin' in the Rain and let's just say they aren't making anybody forget about Gene Kelly and Donald O'Connor. I think Kelly and O'Connor could have done a better routine today.*

*Hey, young people! They're dead. That's why its a joke.