For instance, there's the Axe advertisements ("For Men That Are Douchebags.") wherein women tackle a dirty man and clean him, the voiceover lady cooing, "Women are three times as likely to give you a skeezy blowjob outside of the club if your hair isn't greasy." I don't even begin to understand how they calculated that statistical reality. There are others too: advertisements for man lotion ("For Men That Don't Want To Get The Hose"), advertisements for sweet deodorants, advertisements for GQ. 

Before I go on, I should briefly address <i>GQ</i>: I was signed up for a subscription by a friend of mine. He had purchased golf clubs from a company that said, "For getting these golf clubs, you get subscriptions," and he wanted none of them, so he signed me up instead. So now I get Golf Digest and the aforementioned <i>GQ</i>. What in the hell is up with that magazine? Is there any self-respecting man anywhere who reads, and takes seriously, that magazine? Good lord. 

Needless to say, for those rebelling against the societal attempt to de-man-ize itself, the following cleaning regimen is recommended. There are other regimens as well, for other things (like shaving), but that is for another post.

1. Lava Soap. Put a bar in the shower. Washing with it is like washing with sandpaper. It's great. It will get you clean, and that's it. You won't smell great, but there's won't be a hint of anything on you, including the first layer of your skin.

2. Cover that up with Old Spice Body Wash. That way, you can tell you intrusive girlfriend, "Hey, I'm using body wash, leave me alone!" Old Spice offers various "scents" but you'll smell grandfatherly and cranky, which may be synonymous. This is true for all of them. 

3. Once out of the shower, use  Old Spice deodorant, for the same reason. You can't help but end up smelling like a man...doused in something vaguely alcohol-y smelling. 

There you have it, a quick fix for the attempt of women to metrosexualize yourself. Up next: grow a beard.