sam
@ May 1, 2009


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3


When I approached Jesse about writing for his website, he was encouraging and yet apprehensive. He wrote, "I ask because there was some overlap between our sites (my friend Kevin does alot of political writing, as do I) and I'm not looking to turn the site into a mouthpiece for the liberal movement (moreso)..." This was reasonable of him. I swore that I would only rarely write about politics, preferring moreso to take a critical, Andy Rooney like view of our culture while boggling at its inanities and telling everybody about my own youth, when we wore onions on our belts...

That's what I told him anyways. But what can you do when a Supreme Court justice is rumored to be retiring and the immediate response from one conservative group is this: 

"The current Supreme Court is a liberal, judicial activist court. ... If Obama holds to his campaign promise to appoint a Justice who rules based on her own 'deepest values' and what's in her own 'heart' - instead of what is in the Constitution and laws -- he will be the first American President who has made lawlessness an explicit standard for Supreme Court Justices."
At this point, the Republican Party's supportive organizations appear to be staffed entirely by 13-year-old boys, all promising to fuck the nation's brains out, and all finished after the second thrust. So here, briefly, is a tutorial for these activists when approaching the impending "fight" over Obama's Supreme Court nomination: 

1. Start slow. Maybe kiss the neck a little bit, or perhaps the slightest nibble on the nation's ear? Wait! Stop...Stop! Put your pants back on! We are not there yet! We know you don't want to work with Obama, and so does everybody else, but ease us into it this time. 

2. Hey there! Getting a little grabby? That's okay, as long as you're not grabbing too much or too hard right now. We're building up to something, see? We're tryin...what did I just say? I said not too much and not too hard! Do you want this to happen or don't you? Give us some vague qualifications that you would find acceptable in a Supreme Court justice, without naming names or particular issues. 

3. Let's turn the lights down low, but not too low. We want to see what's going on. Maybe you can take me out of your clothes, and then I can take you out of yours. Will there be any stopping us if w...good lord, are you naked already? And you left your socks on? Jesus Christ, what am I to you? Float a few possible nominees, without touching on particular reasons that you're offering those names. Connect those names with the concepts from Step 2. 

4. I just put fresh sheets on the bed, although if things are going to get as dirty as I hope they will, I might need to change them again. Come on over here and get on top of me. I'll turn Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" to set the moo...mrrgppghhghhhghhhgfffff! Get off of me! I can't breath. Why are you shoving my face in a goddamned pillow? What in the hell is wrong with you? Start contrasting your picks with the President's nominations, and do so based upon Step 2's concepts. Start also to introduce particular issues that might be pertinent to the nation. 

5. Now this is hot! The music going, are hips are thrusting, our positions are coming together, now's the time when we can really get down to the sort of dirty, dir...did you just finish? Are you fucking serious, because God knows you're not seriously fucking! Do you have any fucking clue what you're doing? You idiot! You selfish, self-serving, egomaniacal, pathetic, morally bankrupt idiot. Here I am, trying to explain to you how to get exactly what you want out of this scenario, and do you listen?Do you even consider me? Get out of my house. 

Of course, advice like this is only helpful for people that actually want to listen to it, and the only people who want to listen to it have enough humility to realize that they might not be as good as they'd imagined. When you lead off the nomination fight with desperate proclamations that our current Supreme Court is both liberal and activist, despite being staffed by Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, and Alito, then you're not even trying anymore. You're just leaving your socks on, shoving our faces in a pillow, and thrusting like hell for two seconds before you're done. And then we finish ourselves, and ignore you and your selfishness forever. Way to go Republican Party: you've officially accomplished exactly the opposite of whatever you were hoping to.

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"You're just leaving your socks on, shoving our faces in a pillow, and thrusting like hell for two seconds before you're done."

Uh, so this ISN'T how you are supposed to do it? I wish someone had told me sooner...

The Suze regrets your comment.

I liked you better when you were posting about shorn vaginas.

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