Can we discuss these video commercials you've been doing for the ASPCA with Sarah McLachlan? They're completely ridiculous, entirely over-the-top, and although I know you mean well, I need for them to stop. I only have so much money, you see, and I can't watch these things without thinking that I need to immediately send all of it to somebody, anybody, to make these damned things just stop.
I suppose that's the point. The ASPCA has admitted as much on their own blog. "We're manipulating you to give us gobs of money...now, where's your checkbook?" Although this is mightily strategic, it seems a bit unsavory. Can't you just tell me that animals are suffering without actually showing it? Frankly, I can't handle suffering. I don't want to see pain, if I can possibly avoid it, and you're playing on this weakness of mine by showing me these horrific animals with eyes the size of volleyballs and audible blinks that ring out in your brain like Edgar Allen Poe's The TellTale Heart.
Then you chuck Sarah McLachlan in there, a woman who harkens back to my long-ago youth when every young woman I knew loved Sarah McLachlan and Jakob Dylan's dreamy blue eyes, in that order. And she's singing that unforgivably sappy song "Angel," which was as awful then as it is now.
As if that isn't enough, each of these advertisements goes on and on and on, for five and ten and twenty minutes at a time, with "Angel" being looped so that more suffering animals can be crammed onto my television screen. And they play regularly, so you can't watch some channels without seeing this madness three and four times in a day, if not more.
And at the end of them, here is where I find myself: reminiscing about my long-lost youth, listening to a horrible song, being asked for money, all while watching animals suffer. Thanks. Whatever vibe I might have been enjoying has now been entirely replaced by the madness that sets in enduring these things.
Needless to say, how much do I have to send to make them stop? How many animals do I have to adopt? What do I have to do so that you'll quit messing up my good days with these hellspawned commercials?
Sincerely,
Sam
PS: Sarah McLachlan is hot. Yes, she was one of the leaders of the Lilith Fair, and yes, a lot of young women really enjoyed Lilith because it was somehow freeing from the vast patriarchy that dominates society, and yes, it patriarchal to reduce her accomplishments to her looks, but she's easy on my eyes.
if you think she's easy on your eyes, wait until she's on your penis!
joem @ May 7, 2009 5:22 PM
I fully support calling Sarah McLachlan hot. It's rare that I find someone hot when I think their music is as bland as I think her's is. The only other one that pops to mind is Scarlett Johansson.
Can we make this comment thread be completely about hot girls who make bland music?
jesse @ May 7, 2009 5:53 PM
You can't think of any others? Have you forgotten about a little someone named Avril Lavigne?
joem @ May 7, 2009 7:00 PM
I never found Avril hot. Something about her reminds me too much of a rat.
And wait a second, are you calling her music bland?!
yaworm @ May 7, 2009 7:31 PM
Sam. You are complex. You find "Angel" unforgivably sappy, yet you give a shit about suffering cats and doggies. I'm complex, too, but in the completely reversed sense. As a result, you may put some cash toward the ASPCA's fight to save a few animals' lives. Meanwhile, I will put some cash toward setting out bowls of tasty antifreeze, and listen to "Angel" while i watch strays enjoy their last drink. Between the two of us, we can put an end to all this senseless suffering.
Awww scuhks. What a sweet post. Thanks to you for sharing your life so candidly and honestly with us. I always enjoy your posts. You’re the bees knees.
