As has been thoroughly documented, ObscureBlog's Jesse is a
huge fan of
Jon and Kate Plus Eight. His erotic fanfic - "It's not erotic fanfic, it's TributePorn!" he's no doubt screaming - about the two would amaze you.
But who needs erotic tales of Jon and Kate lovingly looking into each other's eyes in a candlelit room before gently grinding their hips together as Kate ridicules and criticizes his every useless thrust? There's so much actual gossip, all of it sordid and almost certainly gross, involving these two. First, it was Jon's infidelity, as he desperately attempted to escape his wife's banshee wails into the arms of whomever would hold him first: young women at a college, another young woman from another college, a trucker, whomever. Now, Kate's been accused of
bumping the proverbial uglies with one of the family's bodyguards, a report she she slowly castrated over years of seemingly nonstop verbal abuse after having eight kids with it...
...wait, that was Jon. Ba-zing!
Of course, there are the kids to think about whenever diving this deeply into the sordid world of tabloid gossip, which those tabloids did for the approximately eight seconds it took for them to come up with headlines like "Kate Bait" and "Who Ate Kate?" and "While Jon Was In The John, Kate Was On A Date" or whatever else they might come up with. (A fun contest for our commenters might be imagining other possible headlines. For this fun idea and more, check out this week's issue of Highlights for Blog Commenters.)
Jesse earlier suggested that he wouldn't be surprised if Jon cut Kate into eight pieces, a clever wordplay alluding to the show's title - yes, I saw what he did there. At this point, they're prone to going all
Audition on each other, and the show will conclude with both of them in their own body bags. Or, perhaps, a
Children of the Corn scenario is more likely, with the eight kids creeping into the room while Kate unbraids Jon yet again - "You're going to cook? We'll be lucky if they all don't die from your contribution to this house, if that's what you call it." - and strangling them both to death.
After that, it'll be all over but the crying...and the inevitable sextape, in which you'll see Kate saying, when she isn't criticizing Jon's failed attempts to fill her up with babies, "Oh, was she willing to do that for you? Or that? Or that? Your fantasies disgust me!" and also, "I needed science to have babies! You're not even a man!" It'll be awesome pornography for those who believe that nonstop hectoring is synonymous with intimacy.
