I want you to print this picture out, and I want you to color it in. Then I want you to send it to me. Larger version here. Full story here. Pee in my pants...everywhere.
In 1998, 21-year-old college student Matthew Shepard was tortured and killed by two men in Wyoming. During their trial, it was revealed that these men targeted Shepard because he was gay. As a result, legislation was introduced at both the state and federal level to amend existing hate-crime legislation to include sexual orientation. The Matthew Shepard Act was passed through both houses of Congress in 2007, but was vetoed by President Bush.
Yesterday, the U.S. House of Representatives once again debated the extension of federal hate-crime legislation to include sexual orientation. Here is what a reasonable objection to the legislation might look like: "While a tragedy, the existence of hate-crime laws would not have saved Matthew Shepard's life. The despicable act which took place is already illegal. It is called murder, and his murderer's are in prison serving two consecutive life sentences."
Here is what a less reasonable objection looks like: We don't need to impose additional penalties on perpetrators of hate-crimes, because hate-crimes never happen!
"If you didn't vote for this bill -- against this bill and against this
rule for anything else, you could vote against it because we are
spending additional money. I also would like to point out that there
was a bill -- the hate crimes bill that's called the Matthew Shepard
bill is named after a very unfortunate incident that happened where a
young man was killed, but we know that that young man was killed in the
commitment of a robbery. it wasn't because he was gay. This -- the bill was named for him, hate crimes bill was named for him, but it's really a hoax that that continues to be used as an excuse for passing these bills."
1. Does the message contained within these commercial - that your pubic hair is an out of control lawn that must be meticulously manicured with a special razor - actually resonate?
2. No, seriously, how close are you to purchasing one of these to begin your new career as a topiarist?
3. Circles? Hearts? Really? Who? Where?
I came home the other day and my LadyFriend was agog with the news of the first of these two commercials, having seen one air during an episode of Ellen. "I can't believe that aired!" she exclaimed, not in a tone to indicate she was necessarily opposed, but rather out of sheer shock. Then we found the second commercial online, and she laughed hysterically the entire time.
As a man, I am terribly confused. I have always imagined that societal expectations about hairlessness were a tolerated irritation amongst women, particularly in private. But according to this commercial, women have not only embraced what amounts essentially to hairlessness, but they do so with their friends, and in neat shapes too! Seriously.
HBO offers a channel called Comedy Plex, which is fine in the evenings, but trots out a never-ending collection of early 1980's comics during the day, all of whom have the following to say, "Men are like this, but women are like this!" Alternately, you get a comedian who mixes it up with, "Women are like this, but men are like this!" Somehow, this always gets guffaws, as the audience collectively acknowledges, "It's so true! We are different." I have spent my life staring blankly at the television, wondering who any of those people are.
Now, I'm 28 with two kids, and as a result of these commercials, I've now become a member of those audiences. Somebody shoot me before I start finding any of Judy Tenuta's work enjoyable.
[Part one of my pad thai recipe, which I stole from a lady on Throwdown With Bobby Flay, is here.]
Yesterday I revealed the first great secret of pad thai: the sauce. Today I reveal the second: the noodles. (I assume you have all already mastered the third great secret of pad thai, which is don't be Bobby Flay.) We start with ingredients.
Famous father of eight Jon Gosselin has been accused - again - of cheating on his wife.
The "Jon & Kate Plus 8" star was spotted hastily leaving a club at 2 a.m. sans wedding band near his home in Wernersville, Pa., with a female companion.
After
spotting photographers, Gosselin was overheard yelling, "Hey, babe!
Babe! Give me my jacket!" before climbing into his car, Us Weekly reports. The TV dad then urged his gal pal to "get in the car!" before
speeding off without turning on his vehicle's headlights.
No, I don't watch JAKP8. I do, however, watch The Soup. And regular The Soup viewers will be unsurprised to see that Jon is stepping out on Kate. A news story titled "Jon Cuts Kate Into 8 Pieces" would not surprise me at this point
You may remember a few years ago, at the peak of the Iron Chef craze, there was a huge battle in New York between Bobby Flay and Iron Chef Morimoto. If you remember anything about the battle, you remember this: Bobby Flay disgraced himself and his country by STANDING ON THE CUTTING BOARD AT THE END OF THE MATCH.
Morimoto (rightly) called out Bobby Flay for this disrespectful display. Naturally, when Bobby Flay and Morimoto rematched in Kitchen Stadium, Bobby Flay did it again. Why? Because Bobby Flay is a DOUCHEBAG*.
Skip to 3:20 to see Bobby Flay disgrace himself in the New York battle, and 4:20 to watch Morimoto call him out.
...or "Yes, the Suze, finally some Airborne Toxic Event news".
On first glance I actually vomited a little in my mouth when I saw the headliners, the choice of which are unfortunate to say the least. But thankfully nearly everyone else on the top half of the list ranges from 'interesting' to 'awesome'. This year does a fantastic job of covering just about everything, and as a bonus, their website contains 3-5 streaming songs from every single artist, so you can find out for yourself.
For the token festival black people, John Legend, Mos Def, and K'Naan are a more awesome than usual group.
From the weird reunions/holy shit I didn't know they were still alive group, you've got Sonic Youth, the Toadies, and the B-52s.
Linking all of these is dumb since clicking any of them will take you to to the full list with their info and sample songs, so just do that.
Hilariously white people dancing makes a strong showing with Ghostland Observatory, Girl Talk, and !!!.
You've got the usual indie contingent, of course, with The Decemberists, Bon Iver, Grizzly Bear, and Andrew Bird.
It's also better rock than usual: Clutch, the aforementioned Suze-approved Airborne Toxic Event, and Coheed & Cambria. Also Pearl Jam if you're into that snorefest.
I'll also give a personal endorsement to Heartless Bastards, who I saw open for Andrew Bird and were amazing.
Anybody great from the bottom half of the list? The only glaring genre missing is dad-rock, which really only gets Levon Helm, a big drop from last year's John Fogerty and Robert Plant
["What's Your Problem?" is published monthly in Atlantic Magazine. For the original column, click here.]
My friends call me "Dorian Gray" because I don't seem to age. I'm 63, but I tend to attract men in their mid-to-late 40s or early 50s. I believe in "truth in packaging," and anyway, I don't believe that such an age gap bodes well for a long-term relationship. So on the first date, or first encounter, I bluntly tell potential swains that I'm too old for them. If they ask my age, I tell them the truth. This is an ethical necessity, right? Or is it their problem to figure it out? What do you suggest?
Anne, Monroe, N.Y.
Because he was only the starter for one season in college. His draft stock was artificially inflated because he played at a high profile school (USC), but he has not proven his ability to perform on a high level against elite competition over a long period of time. He will be exposed in the NFL.
Because there is no such thing as a Mexican quarterback in the NFL. THEY TOOK URR JIBBS!!!
Because the Jets drafted him. Not only did they draft him, but they traded up to a higher position in the draft to get him. Remember when everybody said it was a good idea for them to give up on the rest of Chad Pennington's career for one season of old Brett Favre? Chad Pennington led the Dolphins to an 11-5 record and a division title. Brett Favre led the Jets nowhere. The Jets suck.
Because 60% of all quarterbacks wash out in the NFL. This prediction is
right more than half the time even if you didn't tell me that we were
talking about a Mexican who wanted to be quarterback for the terrible
New York Jets. (took ur jibs)
And because Mel Kiper Jr. gave the Jets an A- on his draft report card. Not only that, but he called Mark Sanchez a "franchise maker". Not unless the franchise is a Taco Bell! Jesus will punish the Jets as his way of punishing Mel Kiper Jr. for spending his life preparing meaningless mock drafts for ESPN, which I am then forced to listen to, because I am ESPNs monkey.
Cherry Darling is a go-go dancer who is unhappy with her life. But when a release of biochemical weapons at a nearby military base starts turning the townspeople into blood-thirsty zombies, she's going to have to help lead the survivors to safety. And she's going to have to do it on one leg, because a zombie ran off with the other one.
She won't be alone. Back on the scene is Ray, her tow truck driving ex with a mysterious past. Fortunately for her and the band of survivors who hole up at the aptly named barbecue pit "The Bone Shack", that mysterious past includes expert level kung fu and gunplay. But will Ray, sheriff Michael Biehn, and Cherry Darling's machine-gun leg be enough to escape the bloodthirsty zombie hordes?
Why haven't you seen it?
Because when it was released in theaters it was paired with Quentin Tarantino's interminable "Death Proof", turning what should have been an enjoyable 90-minute excursion to theaters into a 3+ hour wankfest. Tarantino and buddy Robert Rodriguez attempted to recreate their formative experience of seeing cheaply made double-features in grungy theaters during the 70s in "Grindhouse", and were incredibly successful - the cheesy special effects, poor quality film stock, and sparsely populated theaters.
The head proctor. Dude, those three people spent 4 hours this morning taking an exam that is important to their professional future, and you don't let them back in because they were 2 minutes late to the afternoon session? What a dick. The guy two seats down from me. What kind of dick shows up for an important exam and doesn't bring a calculator?
The guy next to the last guy. No-calculator guy asked if he could borrow one of your calculators, because you had two calculators. AND YOU SAID NO. Wow.
Everybody else who brought 2+ calculators. These aren't fancy graphing calculators with high battery demands. These are solar powered multi-function calculators. In the end times, when all resources on earth are gone, and we toil in the fields to scratch out a living without technology, we will still be using a TI-36x to calculate grain yield. But you think that one is going to give out during your exam? What makes you so important, you dick?
My co-worker who left without telling us. We waited for you for 45 minutes before we realized you were gone. WTF?
The dude running the hamburger stand. Taking advantage of captive engineers who don't have time to get anywhere because the test starts again in an hour is not cool. $10 for a hamburger is not cool. You are not cool.
Probably. But just to be sure, you should take Bob Larsen's demon test.
Do you sometimes exhibit uncontrollable outbursts of anger or violence?
Have you asked Satan to take your life in exchange for something? <---- NEVER A GOOD IDEA
Are you significantly hindered in prayer, worship, Bible reading and church attendance?
As insane as I find the idea of people worrying about whether or not they have been possessed by the devil, I can't get over how cool Bob Larsen looks.
THE POWER OF MY SNAZZY SCARF AND WELL-TRIMMED BEARD COMPELS YOU!!!
I am wondering: if you lie on your demon test to get a hilariously high score, is that a sign that you may have a demon?
If you want to determine how toxic a certain chemical is, you develop a curve like the one shown above. This is called a Dose-Response Curve.
Notice the label on the y-axis: "percent of animals responding." This curve shows what percentage of an animal population "responds" to a toxicant as it is administered at higher and higher dosages. Below the "No Observable Effect Level" labeled "NOEL", animals do not respond to the dosage. At a high enough dose, every animal "responds."
How is animal "response" determined? Well, if after being administered the suspected toxicant, if the animal is alive, it has not responded. If it is dead, it has responded.
The following is not an actual question from my engineering ethics practice exam, but it might as well be:
You are driving down the street, when a kitten runs out in front of you. You should:
a. Do your best to run the kitten over. It it avoids you, back up and try again. b. Stop your car, grab the kitten by its tail, and practice your hammer throw. c. Avoid hitting the kitten with your car. d. Stop your car, grab the kitten, take it home with you, have sex with it, and then throw it in your clothes dryer.
I'm not complaining, exactly, because I'll gladly take the free correct answers on what is otherwise a difficult exam. But the whole exercise illustrates the futility of teaching ethics in a classroom. If you gave an ethics exam to the engineers at Enron, or the lawyers in the Bush White House, they would pass with flying colors. Because they know the answers. We all know the answers.
The only way to enforce ethical behavior is to show consequences for unethical behavior. Make those bad actors pay a price for doing the wrong thing.
(PS: If you saw my example presidential ethics question yesterday and thought "where the hell is this coming from?" then this might help explain. A little bit.)
OC tipper yaworm writes (for, it would seem, the express purpose of enraging me):
Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal Online, the plight of $250,000/yr households finally has a voice. If nothing else, read the second to last paragraph ("For the Parnells..."). Math!
The paragraph is reproduced for you here:
For the Parnells, their perception of themselves is based on the math.
The value of their house is down $60,000. Ms. Parnell says the couple's
gross income last year was about $260,000. Taxes, premiums for medical
care and deductions for Social Security and their 401(k) contributions
cut the gross to about $12,000 per month. The family tithes $1,300 a
month at their church. Their mortgage, second mortgage and payment on
land they bought is nearly $4,000 a month. Other expenses, including
their family car payment, insurance and college funds, as well as
basics like food, utilities and donations to charities, leave them with
about $1,200 left over each month.
Only $1,200 left over each month after every tax has been paid, 401(k) contribution made, mortgages (plural) paid off, $1,300 given to their church, and all other mandatory expenses, including car payments, college funds, food, utilities, and other basics like donating to charities! Only! ONLY!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT ONLY MEANS YOU DOUCHE!
See... okay, I should calm down. Remember that scene in Pulp Fiction, when they had to shoot Uma Thurman directly in the heart with a shot of adrenaline? Well, if ever I'm in cardiac arrest, and you don't have a needle full of adrenaline handy, just read me that paragraph. I will instantly spring to my feet and punch you in the face.
I know lots of you out there don't like Family Guy, because, well, you are allergic to jokes or something. Whatever. But if you don't think that this is awesome, then I don't know if we can be friends anymore, internet.
Apparently, neither stink bombs nor endangering the lives of less-than-innocent eighth graders.
So today was eventful over at dear old Riverwood. This morning, between
first and second period, a stink bomb was set off in the middle of the
400-600 hallways (don't even ask how the halls are numbered at school.
It makes no sense.). The entire school smelled so terrible that
students began stuffing their faces into their armpits because it
smelled so much better in there. Yeah. For three hours.
My personal opinion here is that they should have closed school,
preferably for three or four years, but no such luck. As it turns out,
they can't cancel school for something so "minor." So we were stuck.
The teachers probably hated it as much as we did, but we had no choice
except to stick it out.
But Providence intervened. During fourth period, the fire alarm went
off. It would have been great, since fourth period = science with Mr.
Perv, but no, sir. It was during my LUNCH period.
Now, this was not the first fire alarm (not drill. There's a
difference. The difference is that a fire alarm means that there's
probably an actual fire.) in Mr. Perv's class. Just yesterday the alarm
went off during his class. We were a little concerned, since everyone
always hears about it before a normal fire drill, which meant there was
actually a risk of a fire. We weren't nearly as loud as the alarm, but
we were a tad disorderly as we left the class, our chairs not fully
pushed in.
Not good enough for Mr. Perv (so named for being terrifyingly
disgusting in the way he stares at thirteen year old girls). He made us
go back to our desks, sit down, and then silently stand and line up,
pushing in our chairs as we went.
It took two more minutes than it did last time. I wonder why.
Anyway, some kids busted Mr. Perv to the principle, including an
indignant D.O. She was upset because "Lemonpies!" was recently declared
a swear word in science, punishable by detention, due to the extreme
overuse.
At least Mrs. Z was happy. Her class is no longer the slowest evacuator in the school.
I know it feels like I just did this, but this time its for good. If you are thinking to yourself, "Hey, the site kind of looks like somebody actually designed it now," that's because the Suze helped me out. If you are thinking, "Hey, the site looks like somebody designed it now, except a couple of things are sloppy and retarded and aren't working right," well, that's because I also had a hand in it.
Got an opinion on the new look, or found a bug I should take a look at fixing? Leave it in the comments. Got a website and need some design help? You can check out some more work by the Suze here.
On April 8, 2009, Angel's pitcher Nick Adenhart, and two friends, Henry Pearson and Courtney Stewart, were killed in a collision with a minivan. The driver of the minivan, Andrew Gallo, 22, was driving drunk; he had a blood-alcohol level three times the legal limit. In their first public interview, the family of Andrew Gallo shed some light on how this happened.
"It was an accident," Gallo's mother, Sandra Sagahon, said. "He never meant to hurt anybody, ever."
"People think my son is a monster," says Thomas Gallo, Andrew's father
and a real estate agent from San Gabriel, Calif. "He's not."
Andrew is the younger of two children, and lived in Baldwin Park, Calif., before Thomas and Sandra divorced when Andrew was 5. According
to his father, Andrew took the divorce especially hard. "I saw a lot of
anger," Thomas Gallo said. "He was devastated."
Away from his friends and starting anew, Andrew found the move
difficult, according to his mother. "Maybe he was lonely," Sagahon
said.
"I didn't think he was out getting into trouble," Sagahon says. "It was
an accident. It's not like he was a bad kid or a gang member."
"Those angels that [died] were good people," Sagahon said. "And so [is] my son. He's a wonderful kid."
[Sagahon said] "Would someone want to be in my shoes right now? I don't think so and I
don't wish it upon anybody ... We don't want to be there either, and
unfortunately, we were put here and left here for a reason for people
to see, to react and think before they do."
It was an accident. He was devastated by his parents divorce 17 years ago. Maybe he was lonely. It's not like he was a gang member. My son is a wonderful kid.
There are different types of evil. Andrew Gallo was not the type of evil that acts purposefully to do harm to others. He is the type of evil that is so consumed with one's own selfish concerns that they do not care how their actions may affect the lives of others. This selfishness was born of the selfishness exhibited by his family: "Would someone want to be in my shoes right now?"
This evil was born of a family who has made excuse after excuse for what he has done, and no doubt made excuse after excuse for every mistake he ever made growing up. Yes, he got drunk and killed three people with his car. BUT IT'S NOT LIKE HE WAS A GANG MEMBER.
There is also something called
Suddenlink Cable, but it looks like it's run by some redneck in the
middle of nowhere. They don't get any of the professional sports
channels and their website says that they are still in the process of
getting Caller ID for digital phone service. I think I'll pass on that
one.
I'm with Suddenlink. I assure you we're run by a very professional,
experienced management team. We don't currently offer NFL Network, but
we'd love to. More information here.
In regards to negotiations with the NFL Network, the linked article states:
Suddenlink has tried repeatedly to reach a deal to carry the NFL
Network. We even offered to give them their own channel, widely
available to Suddenlink customers who want it. We told the NFL they
could make that channel available for free, or set whatever price they
wanted for it, and keep all revenues from it, including all advertising
revenues. Under that option, Suddenlink would have made no money.
The NFL declined that offer and all others, reiterating that they
would accept nothing less than the nearly $100 million in guaranteed
payments they demanded three-plus years ago. We've made multiple new
proposals since then; the NFL has not, effectively refusing to
negotiate with us.
First, let me say this: Pete, please excuse Daytrader and myself for our comments. While you may not fit the stereotype of the redneck Texan, I assure you that we both fit the stereotype of the loud, obnoxious, know-it-all New Yorkers. (But you guys really need to work on the caller ID thing.)
I watch lots of television, and not all of it is good. Did you know I watch American Idol? I do. I watch that shit. Did you know that I watch The Hills with the Suze, and I actually enjoyed the last episode? Sure, I enjoyed it because somebody finally got punched in the goddamn face, but still. The point is, while I watch some of this shit, I need to be careful with what I recommend. If I actually recommended that you watch American Idol, would you ever listen to a word I had to say again? Of course not. You'd be a fool to.
So some shows come on my radar, and I watch them, but they don't quite reach the level of a "Watch" recommendation. Heroes, even in its pretty good first season, never reached that level. House never reached that level. Jim and I wrote sloppy love letters to 24 earlier this season, but I never officially christened it with a "Watch" recommendation. There is a whole history of shows that I have watched, but never even considered recommending.
[When Daytrader and Rose decided they were moving to College Station, it was time for DT to figure out the details. No, not where they would live, or how he would finish his degree at a school in upstate New York from southeast Texas. The big question was: how would DT get to see the Giants play football on Sunday? With the release of the 2009 schedule, we decided to hash it out.]
-----
From: Jesse To: Daytrader Subject: To satellite or not to satellite?
The NFL has released the 2009 schedule. Here's how I see it shaking out for you to get games over the air once you move to College Station.
From my experience last year, you can count on getting all nationally televised games and all games played against Dallas. On top of those, if neither Houston or Dallas has a game during the day on Sunday, you have a reasonable chance of seeing the Giants, depending on the matchup.
In 2009, the Giants have 5 prime time games + 1 non-primetime game against Dallas = at least 6 games will be on the air here. So, if you decide to get Direct TV with the NFL package, you'll be paying for, at most, 10 games, possibly less if you get lucky on a random Sunday or if the Giants get flexed later in the season. So, the question is: how much would you pay to watch a single regular season game?
In case you haven't been keeping up on cable news or Glenn Beck's on-air descent into insanity, tomorrow is Tea Party Day, the day when incoherent right-wing outrage is marshaled into protests by conservative movement leaders. I say incoherent because nobody can quite explain what they're protesting. It probably involves taxes though, given the choice of day and name. Which is actually pretty interesting since dissatisfaction with taxation rates is actually at a record low, with a 61-35 majority of people feeling their taxes are fair.
So what is it actually a protest for? Explanations I've seen include the 39% tax bracket, bailouts, bankers, budget deficits, the idea of a progressive income tax, and the very idea of an income tax all together. Their mission statement: "The Tea Party protests, in their current form, began in early 2009 when Rick Santelli, the On Air Editor for CNBC, set out on a rant to expose the bankrupt liberal agenda of the White House Administration and Congress. Specifically, the flawed 'Stimulus Bill' and pork filled budget." However others like one host in San Antonio claim: "We're tired of the government spending all our money. We're not anti-Obama, we're not anti-Republican or anti-Democrat, we're anti-arrogance. We don't approve of the fact that the government thinks we're stupid."
The real answer? People are very angry about the economy in general, and Glenn Beck and the friendly friends at Fox News are whipping them up specifically against Obama. Meanwhile, former majority leader Dick Armey, now with Astroturf group FreedomWorks, has been using them for his own purposes. In fact, the idea originated out of the ashes of the Ron Paul campaign before getting coopted by the usual conservative movement suspects. Say what you want about the Ron Paul people (personally I like to point out that they favor an endless cycle of human misery and death), but at least they stood for something.
But all this is really an excuse to post this amazing video clip of what David Schuster said on MSNBC last night. Watch the whole thing, but the punchline is priceless:
"If you are planning simultaneous teabagging all across the country, you're going to need a Dick Armey."
While the entire movie is of debatable quality*, the little-seen Mike Judge comedy "Idiocracy" opens with a brilliant sequence. A narrator introduces us to two families. The first is an intelligent couple of yuppies who are waiting to have children. The second is started by a hillbilly retard with his wife and several neighbor-mistresses.
(This clip provides the only laugh out loud line in the whole movie: "I'm going to fuck ALL of you!!")
The proliferation of this retard hillbilly family leads to a dystopic future where everyone is descended from idiots (and also leads to a film that fails to live up to the potential of this opening sequence).
Why do I bring this up now? Well, to those who doubt the prophetic nature of this film, I give you: the Duggar's first grandchild. Something for all my intelligent-yet-childless friends to think about**.
*The Suze H-A-T-E-D the entire thing and was angry at me for making her watch it for about... actually, I think she's still a little peeved.
[The following is the third and final part of an email conversation between Jesse
and Jim with our thoughts about the 5th season of "House". Part one is here, and part two is here. If you have
not seen the show, please be aware that there are major spoilers.]
---
From: Jim To: Jesse Subject: Wouldn't 13 + Foreman = 13 and three-fifths?
Well, you may not have liked it, but at least the David Morse arc was an arc... the IMDB tells me
he appeared in six episodes, and they were good episodes, even if they
didn't really go anywhere. (I'm surprised you didn't mention how
Cuddy hired House's ex- as the hospital lawyer in the first season as
an early example of this trend).
Not being a CSI watcher, other than YouTube clips
of David Caruso removing his sunglasses, I can't speak to the quality
of that show. But don't you think that, while formulaic, the show isn't
as good as it used to? At some point it stopped being about the
formula. The weekly case on House seems more like an afterthought to me now. I
don't care if the patient lives or dies, or what little real-life
occurrence is going to trigger House to find the answer.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it didn't used to be
like this. The cases used to be the
main focus, with the characters being slowly developed, with the audience getting
glimpses of their personal lives through the case work. Now, it's
flipped. We are focusing on characters, and the cases take a back seat.
This isn't helped by the fact that there are simply too many characters
vying for screen time.
Now we have Kutner's suicide to deal with.... I had
serious, serious issues with this episode. Issue the first: I had seen
it before, better, 15 years ago. Issue the second, I didn't really care.
[The following is part two of an email conversation between Jesse
and Jim with our thoughts about the 5th season of "House". Part one is here. If you have
not seen the show, please be aware that there are major spoilers.]
---
From: Jim To: Jesse Subject: Let's talk story arcs
I'm glad you mentioned the new team, because we NEED to talk about
that. So, the fourth season starts, House has little survivor game, and
we have a field of candidates that keeps getting narrowed down. This
was, unfortunately, shortened by the writer's strike. Anyhoo, House
goes through the motions, and picks his team: Taub, Kutner, and 13. As
mentioned, Foreman also joins in a supervisory role.
Of the
three new cast members, only Taub has really been developed as a character. He gave up a lucrative plastic surgery career because he had
an affair with one of the partner's daughters; rather than lose his
marriage, he signs a non-compete agreement and goes into real medicine. Taub is
well written, and Peter Jacobson does a hell of a job bringing life to
the character.
The others? 13 has a fatal disease. Her mom had
it too. She's pretty. She likes to sleep around, with both men and
women. She goes on a self destructive bent, pulls out of it, and starts
dating Foreman. So yeah, a lot of stuff happens to her. But that does
not a character make. It seems to me that Olivia Wilde brings
absolutely nothing to the table. 13, to me, is boring.
[The following is part one of an email conversation between Jesse
and Jim with our thoughts about the 5th season of "House". If you have not seen the show, please be aware that there are major spoilers.]
---
From: Jim To: Jesse
Subject: YOU ARE RISKING A PATIENT'S LIFE!!!
I blame you for this. That's right, you Mr. Craft. I was thoroughly
happy not watching House. The marketing team at Fox had turned me off
to the show, well before its premiere. "You're RISKING A PATIENT'S
LIFE" the ads said. "I'm the doctor whose trying to save your son;
you're the mother who's letting him die," the ads said. "I'm the person
who is not watching this TV show," I responded.
Eastbound & Down has been renewed for a second season, which will air in 2010. And now that I've finished season one, let me just say that it was even better than I thought when I was at the midway point.
"I did not mean to kiss, on her pussy, your fiance. Yeah, that happened too."
So last week, there was a fire drill. Usually, this just means everybody
leaves their classes a few minutes early and then the schedule goes
right back to normal. Well, this time, things did not go as planned.
Each class lined up, and the teachers took roll. At the front of each class were the students with the flags. Whenever there is a fire drill, a student from each class carries out the two flags so they don't burn: one American flag, and one Texas flag. All
were found present, except for Mrs. Z's class. Mrs. Z is the Spanish teacher.
We stood outside, waiting for them. The entire school, waiting on
twenty or so kids.
We waited. and waited. and waited until we were bored to tears.
Eventually, some teachers broke the rules and went back in the
"burning" building.
"Lemonpies! Why are they taking so long?" D.O. kept exclaiming.
Apparently, Mrs. Z and crew were attempting to untack the giant Mexican
flag in her classroom. It is so enormous it takes up an entire wall. They'd just finished, and
eight kids were holding it carefully to keep it from touching the
ground, directed by Mrs. Z. The principle, who normally despises any
kind of disorder in fire drills, was slightly amused and let her off
the hook for endangering the lives of twenty students.
But that's not all. Later that day, Mrs. Z put the flag back on the
wall. Of course, just her luck, the next day, not a full 24 hours after
the fire drill, we received an April Fool's Day bomb threat. Everyone knew
it was just a sick idea of a joke, but we had to evacuate anyway. Guess
who's class was last to leave the building.
You probably guessed it, unless you are hideously stupid. Mrs. Z COULD
NOT leave that flag inside. It took her class a record long sixteen
minutes to completely exit. This time, the principle was MAD, about
ready to spit fire.
So
anyway, no bomb, obviously. In addition, Mrs. Z had to promise to never
attempt to save her Mexican flag again, and to save the tiny little
American and Texas flags instead. She wasn't too happy about this, but what
could she say? The students could have DIED.
So
that's what's cool in middle school. Also, D.O. got in trouble for
assisting in the saving of the flag the second time. It's a long story.
"GM and Segway's joint venture is probably best described as a rickshaw without all the charm. The self-balancing Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility Project
(P.U.M.A.) can reach top speeds of 35 MPH, has a lithium battery that
lasts up to 35 miles with a single charge, and features
vehicle-to-vehicle (V2V) communication for potentially reducing the
number of accidents. No word on when or if this'll actually go into
production but it's expected to be priced at just 25% that of a regular
automobile."
It looks like a Segway and a Hoveround mated.
Now, here is a vehicle that actually does make my electric bike look pedestrian:
Released today, the Zero S is a fully electric motorcycle. It has a top speed of 60 mph, a range of 60 miles, and makes me go from zero-to-boner in 3.2 seconds. The $10K pricetag makes it hard to justify on economic payback, but it will come out light years ahead when you factor in all the extra quality time with the ladies.
Banks made alot of sketchy investments, and those investments turned into shit. Now, somebody has to eat all that shit.
The banks don't want to eat that shit, so they've convinced the government to make the taxpayers eat shit instead. The taxpayers are getting upset, but, in reality, we've only eaten a small amount of the shit there is to eat. As we've seen with AIG, as soon as your done eating your pile of shit, they come back with more and refill your plate. Dig in.
Eventually, we must come to the realization that yes, we are going to have to eat shit. But before we eat shit, we should make the banks eat shit. So you make the bank executives, stockholders, and private investors eat all the shit they can handle. Stuff them full of it. Then, the taxpayer will eat whatever shit is left over. And believe me, there will still be lots of shit to eat.
But then, when it is over, the shit will be gone, and we'll all have stomach aches, but we can all move past this shit.
Because I know some of you don't like reading anything that can't fit into a Twitter post, I'll try to give you the Cliff's Notes version.
If you described the nature of the economic problems in the US to economic experts but hid the name of the country, the unanimous answer would be that we should nationalize the banking system.
Bailouts are not, and will never be, enough to solve the problems these banks are facing. Bailouts do not make the banks healthy, but give them enough cash to limp along a little further, delaying the inevitable.
Cleanup of the banking sector will be incredibly expensive, but it only becomes more expensive with each day that passes without the proper action being taken.
If a bank is considered too big to fail, then it must be nationalized and sold off in smaller pieces. Regulations must be put into place to prevent any financial institution from achieving "too big to fail" status again. In Johnson's words: "Anything that is too big to fail is too big to exist."
I will quote verbatim my favorite paragraph, in which Johnson discusses the merits of limiting compensation:
[O]utright pay caps are clumsy, especially in the long run. And
most money is now made in largely unregulated private hedge funds and
private-equity firms, so lowering pay would be complicated. Regulation
and taxation should be part of the solution. Over time, though, the
largest part may involve more transparency and competition, which would
bring financial-industry fees down. To those who say this would drive
financial activities to other countries, we can now safely say: fine.
As Opening Day 2009 approaches, I've come to a realization: its never been less fun to root for the New York Yankees.
It starts, for me, with the stadium. I've always rejected arguments that it is unfair for the Yankees to have more resources and spend more money than other teams. But when the Yankees build a new stadium and the cost of a ticket quadruples in the middle of a recession in the city where that recession started, well... I can see where somebody might have a problem with that. Now, instead of real Yankees fans going to the games, we'll having nothing but front running tourist douchebags.
And when the Yankees have the highest paid player in baseball who took steroids, left his wife and kids for Madonna, and generally cannot stop making an ass out of himself... I can see why some people don't like him.
And then the Yankees go out on the free agent market and spend $165 million on a free agent pitcher (CC Sabathia) after refusing last season to trade for another pitcher who is better (Johan Santana) because they didn't want to part with players who are now struggling to get out of the minors (Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy, and Melky Cabrera), well... that's just a big frustrating. Oh, I meant bit frustrating. Sorry, I've been having alot of Freudian slips lately, because that pitcher we spent all that money on happens to weigh 300 pounds. Yes, a pitcher who is fat enough to qualify for medical disability is our opening day starter!
Oh, and while all this was going on, the Yankees somehow failed to sign Manny Ramirez, despite the fact that it would have ripped the hearts out of every Boston fan, and made their lineup the most powerful force in the universe, narrowly edging out gravity. Have I mentioned its been a frustrating off-season?
And speaking of off-seasons! How about that AJ Burnett signing? Funny story - he's only won 15 games or more once, can't stay on the field, and the only team he ever dominated? The Yankees! Except he can't pitch against the Yankees anymore, because HE IS ON THE YANKEES.
I'm okay with the Yankees finishing third in their own division. I understand that you can't win the World Series every year, and even making the playoffs every year is unsustainable. But don't take a dump on my plate and call it dessert, Yankees. I know a shit sandwich when I see one.
(Note: I am going to be swearing an entire fuckload in this article. Be forewarned, cocksuckers.)
Eastbound and Down is a comedy for those who think that swear words are, in and of themselves, fucking hilarious. A former major league pitching phenom with a mean streak (think John Rocker, except with the world's best mullet ever) falls from grace and is forced to move back to his shithole hometown and live with his brother's family and work at the local elementary school as a gym teacher.
Kenny Powers, as played by Danny McBride (owner of the aforementioned mullet) deals with the horrible failure that is his life by pretending it is no failure at all. Fat, foul-mouthed, addicted to drugs, and no longer able to bring the heat, Kenny nonetheless sees himself as a star on the way back to the majors, momentarily gracing the dickweed residents of Shelby, North Carolina with his presence. Residents that are sometimes played by Will Ferrell in a blond wig.
Tesla Motors has finally unveiled their Model S, an all-electric sedan. This is the long-awaited follow-up to the Tesla Roadster, their souped-up all electric sports car (with the souped-up price tag to match) that made a splash on the red carpet at the 2007 Oscars, and was never heard from again. A work colleague asked this question:
Can someone help me understand how charging an electric car with power generated from a coal-fired plant is a good thing? I understand that CO2 emissions from gasoline internal combustion engines are less than coal-fired power plant emissions. I get the part about buying oil from foreign countries, I'm just talking about net-net emissions.
Ignoring for a moment that this person with an engineering degree was unable to do the math themselves, let's take a look.
Today, the House Republicans released their budget. You may be thinking, hey, didn't they release one last week? Well that one they made the completely understandable mistake of forgetting to include numbers. Any at all. But they did have a sweet graph that's just as good:
The underpants gnome comparison is totally played out, don't go there. Well after much hand wringing and raucous laughter from Republicans and everyone else, respectively, they decided that that was just a practice run, and the real budget was coming. And now it's out, and it's even better! Can you guess what the big idea is? If you said 'tax cuts for corporations and the rich' you win! But it also claims to cut the deficit. How does it do both of these, you ask? Well for once they don't just smear the words 'Laffer curve' with their own poo on a sheet of paper, so I guess there's some credit for that, but here are the highlights:
Eliminate Medicare for everyone not in it already
Thinking big, I like that! Instead, they'll give everyone vouchers worth roughly what the per person cost of Medicare is. Which would be bad since you can buy a lot less coverage alone without the bargaining power of the whole bloc, but not apocalyptically awful except for the fact that the vouchers are tied to inflation, not health care costs, which rise much faster. So you start out getting just a little less, but every year the vouchers cover less and less and you have to spend more and more out of pocket to maintain coverage.
Give people the choice of two tax plans, then assume they'll voluntarily pay the higher one
This is also great. So instead of just cutting the top tax bracket from 35% to 25%, they give taxpayers the choice of paying either their current amount or a new scheme where the top tax bracket is lowered to $50,000 a year per person or $100,000 per family, but the rate is lowered to 25%. So the super wealthy (500k+) see their tax bill cut by nearly a third, while everyone else stays the same or pays more. Which is apparently why you get the option to stay in the old system. But that's not the real reason. The deficit assumptions they use assume that everyone will choose whichever tax scheme IS WORSE FOR THEM. No rationale is given for this at all.
Five year spending freeze on everything except the military
Basically every program the government spends on, including schools, SCHIP, state aid, law enforcement, unemployment, and everything else will get a spending freeze with the effect of cuts the size of inflation Interestingly, it's done without regard whatsoever to merit of the programs. Corn subsidies and schools get cut equally. But don't worry, we can spend as much as we want on bombs and guns!
Several people I've read call cutting government spending during a recession 'Neo-Hoover' economics, but that's really unfair to Hoover. He was dealing with a basically unprecedented situation, without Keynes or the rest of modern economic thought, much of which came about directly due to watching his mistakes and learning from them. Deliberately going back to policies known to fail, contra to all logic and economics, deserves a much worse title.
But then again, none of this is going to happen. The truly scary part is that this is the very best the opposition party can come up with. In the Senate, lest we forget, 36 out of 41 Republican senators voted to replace the Obama stimulus plan entirely with $3 trillion in tax cuts. And it only takes 40 votes to stop legislation. Change, for the moment, requires two Republican votes. And this is the course of action they want to take.
To steal a line from the prescient John Cole : "Imagine trying to negotiate an agreement on dinner plans with your date, and you suggest Italian and she states her preference would be a meal of tire rims and anthrax. If you can figure out a way to split the difference there and find a meal you will both enjoy, you can probably figure out how bipartisanship is going to work the next few years."
As we move through the third month of Barack Obama's administration, I find myself consistently disappointed by his continued failure to deliver even a tiny, incremental amount of change you, I, or anybody can believe in. I should be less hard on him. Look what he is up against!
This video is of Rep. John Shimkus (R - Illinois) speaking at the US House Subcommittee on Energy and Environment last week. He is informing us why, in his opinion, global warming is either not real, or is real but poses no threat. How can he be so sure? The same way that anybody who says absurd things with absolute certainty is sure: because of a strictly literal interpretation of the Bible.
The Bible, which is the absolute and infallible word of God, says that the world will not end in a flood, nor by an act of man. Therefore, global warming poses no threat. PHEW I AM GLAD WE SETTLED THAT JOHN SHIMKUS.
Here is another video of John Shimkus speaking with a man (with an authoritative-sounding British accent, no less!) about something that is at least vaguely science related.
The authoritative British man and Rep. John Shimkus agree: reducing carbon dioxide emissions would starve plants. TO DEATH.
But in truth, John Shimkus does not care for this scientific argument anymore than he cares for the mountains of scientific data testifying to the reality and danger of global warming. Instead, he has found a man with a theory to prove that which he already unfailingly believes: that the world shall not end in a flood, because the Bible says so.
Such certainty makes change impossible, at least for John Shimkus. And as long as Obama must work with the John Shimkuses of the world, change will be much slower in coming than the rest of us would like.
The Suze is back with another delicious baking recipe. And this one is even more Hispanic than the last one! If you are into that sort of thing. We'll be making a Tres Leches cake, aka the Three Milks of Melquiades Estrada.
The Film
Probably. But just to be sure, you should take Bob Larsen's 
I watch lots of television, and not all of it is good. Did you know I watch American Idol? I do. I watch that shit. Did you know that I watch The Hills with the Suze, and I actually enjoyed the last episode? Sure, I enjoyed it because somebody finally got punched in the goddamn face, but still. The point is, while I watch some of this shit, I need to be careful with what I recommend. If I actually recommended that you watch American Idol, would you ever listen to a word I had to say again? Of course not. You'd be a fool to.
