It is fitting that America's Next Top Model doesn't happen in seasons, but in cycles. Because when it is ANTMs time of the year, it is best to just stay out of the way. Unfortunately, the Suze loves this horrible show, and as of this Wednesday, it is that time of the year again. Usually when this happens I kick and fight and bite and scream, but I've finally decided to heed the immortal words of Republican businessman and political fundraiser Clayton Williams: As long as it is inevitable, I might as well lie back and enjoy it.
Every cycle, Tyra needs to have a girl on the show with a "gimmick". Past gimmicks have included plus-sized models, transvestite models, genital mutilation models, and models with Asperger's syndrome. This year, Tyra is going all out - the gimmick appears to be that every girl has a gimmick. How tough was the competition for gimmicks this year? There is a model
who's daughter died, and she did not make the top 12. Oh, dead daughter? Whatever, YAWN. NEXT PLEASE.
Tahlia is competing to be both America's Next Top Model and America's Next Top Burn Victim. She was burned as a child when a hot pot of coffee fell on her, and now her body is covered with burns and surgery scars. A question: if you go to a casino with Tahlia, and she goes on a winning streak, would she get upset if you said "Girl, you are on fire!"?
Isabella has epilepsy, and showed up to the Top Model house with 4 huge bottles filled with anti-seizure medication. If I was competing with her, the first thing I would do is flush those pills down the drain. Also: if you ever wondered whether or not the producers of ANTM were soulless fish monsters, wonder no longer. The very first runway challenge required the girl with epilepsy to walk down a runway covered with strobe lights. I imagine the entire production staff crammed around a playback screen chanting "SEIZE! SEIZE! SEIZE! SEIZE!" as she walked out.
Allison has huge, terrifying eyes. Also she has a fetish for human blood. Seriously, just watch this clip.
There's a girl named London, and that isn't even her gimmick. Her gimmick is that she is a street preacher. When she was picked for the top 12, she couldn't join the rest of the group until she had gone through her sacred prayer ritual, which apparently consists of jumping up and down shouting "YAY JESUS! YAY JESUS!" at the top of her lungs 7 times while spinning clockwise.
My favorite girl, though, is definitely Monique: 9/11 Truther.
I can relate to the ANTM soul-sucking. I have come to the realization that it cannot be stopped. Seriously, how many cycles do you think there will be until it gets canceled? I wouldn't be surprised if this show is on for another 10 years and thus 20 more cycles. Have you seen the gimmick for the next season? All models will be UNDER 5 foot 7 inches! No one hires models under that height. Tyra Banks is taking her big, black ass and is shitting all over the modeling industry.
The only bright side to this season is that it's the Spring cycle which means that Project Runway isn't on at the same time. Wednesdays in the Fall go ANTM --> Project Runway --> Real World/Real World-Road Rules Challenge or some other Hell spawn of that sort. I'm sure that 3 hour block in the Fall is slowly giving me prostate cancer, so that 40 years from now when I go to take a leak and it feels like I'm pissing out Tabasco sauce I'll remember to thank Tyra for all she's done to affect my life.
jesse @ March 8, 2009 5:25 PM
I forgot to mention that when Isabella failed to have a seizure after the strobe light runway walk, she was eliminated. Which makes sense - what's the point of having a girl with epilepsy if you can't make her seize on command for your audience?
yaworm @ March 9, 2009 9:03 PM
I've got the both of you beat. Do you know how many times i've sat through each cycle? Of course you don't, for there are only so many particles in the universe to count with. And then there's "ANTM Obsessed," Oxygen's clip show that reruns clips of cycles past. And of course there are re-runs of that, too. Re-runs of re-runs, people. On DVR. ... D. V. R.
Anyhow, we're all burying the lead. Family Guy ran a segment depicting a toddler gulping down gobs of semen. Where's the outrage?
jesse @ March 9, 2009 11:21 PM
It still makes me smile thinking about the brain-damaged horse. Eyes not pointing in the same direction = COMEDY
