["Dear Prudence" is published every Thursday on Slate.com. For the original column, click here.]Dear Prudence OC:
When I was 17, I got pregnant. My family was not supportive, and I did not want to raise a child on my own. I placed her for adoption but never forgot about her. Twenty-three years later, I got in touch with the lawyer who assisted with the adoption and shortly after got a phone call from my long-lost daughter. We talked for a while, then e-mailed a lot. The more contact we had, the more I didn't like her. She seemed very immature and bratty--she still lives with her parents and had a child last year, whom her parents are raising. Several months later, we met. Also at the meeting were her mom, her baby, my mom, and my daughter, who is five years younger then she. This girl is rude and disrespectful to her mom, yells at her baby, dresses like a slob, and was a brat the whole weekend. My mom said this is the way she was raised, and we should be tolerant. I am all for tolerance, but this kid is awful. Still, for her birthday I sent her a great gift. I called and asked if she received it, and her response was, "Yeah, it was nice." I had put a lot of thought, time, and money into this gift, and that's all I get. I feel nothing for this girl, even though I know she is my daughter. This makes me feel guilty. How could a mother not love her own child, even if she didn't raise her? She is in school to join my chosen profession, which I think she will suck at.
--What Should I Do About the Daughter I Never Wanted?
Dear Awesome Mom,
So, your daughter is rude, disrespectful, and immature? [sarcasm] I can't imagine where she gets it from. [/sarcasm]
The best thing you ever did for this girl was give her up for
adoption. The best thing you can do for her now is to give up trying
to get back into her life. Also, you might want to consider giving
your younger daughter up for adoption as well - as long as she's under
18, I hear you can drop her off at a fire station in Nebraska and they
have to take her in.
As a side note, I imagine that scientists who conduct studies on child
development might find you and your adopted daughter to be an
interesting case study. I would say that you can chalk this one up to
nature. SUCK ON IT NURTURE.
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Dear Prudence OC:
Two years ago, my husband died in an accident. I was 27 years old and
moved in with my mother and stepfather so I wouldn't have to be alone.
(My father died years ago from lung cancer.) Then, six months ago, I
got another shock when my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer that
had metastasized to her brain. We've been told she has three to six
months to live. Mom is totally incapacitated. It takes a lot of time
and muscle to provide for her care, even though we have hospice
assistance. My stepdad is the primary caretaker during the weekdays
while I am at work. When I get home, I take over this role. My sister
and her husband come over and relieve us on Saturdays. The problem is
that my brother refuses to help with our mom. My sister and I have
asked him to come over on Sunday morning and stay until Monday morning,
but all he does is give us excuses. When he does come over to the
house, he does not help with lifting, cleaning, or feeding her, but
just visits and chats with Mom. I'm so stressed about this that when I
confront him, I either cry or blow up. How do I demand that he help out
with Mom and share some of this responsibility?
--Who's Going To Die on Me Next?
Dear Bad Luck Charm,
Oh no you don't. Don't think that bringing up the Dead Husband for no
reason is going to make me overlook what is really going on here, which
is that you are insufferable. In fact, I'd say your husband took the
easy way out.
Let's pretend for a minute that you are your brother (this is called
empathy). Your mom is dying (wow, what a coincidence, right?) and you
aren't taking it well. It is difficult for you to go over there. When
you do manage to suck it up and go, all you can do is chat for a few
minutes and then you have to leave. You have a sister who deals with
her grief differently. She tries to bury herself in the care of her
mother so that she doesn't need to deal with the weight of what is
happening. She's nagging the fuck out of you because she thinks you
should be doing things her way, but you just can't deal with being
there. Don't you wish your sister would accept that this is difficult
for you, and that if she needed extra help, she could communicate this
to the hospice nurse and leave you out of it? I know I would.
So, you can demand all you want, but it isn't going to do anything. All
you will accomplish is making things tense in the family for your mom's
last days. Best daughter ever!
-----
Dear Prudence OC:
I am the flip-side of your letter last week from Bliss in Exile. Many
years ago, when I was in high school, I did something very cruel to a
friend of mine: I took her boyfriend. Now we are both married to other
men. I found her on Facebook and attempted to contact her to apologize
for the cruel thing I had done. She took your advice and hit "ignore."
I feel terrible that I was not even given the opportunity to admit to
her that what I did was wrong and try to make amends. I also feel a
little angry because I think it is immature to hold a grudge or
resentment for so long over something that a teenager once did to you.
Now that I have been ignored by the person I would like to apologize
to, should I just let it go? Or should I take another avenue to try to
contact her to tell her how sorry I am?
--Blocked
Dear Blocked:
I am stumped. How DID people communicate with each other before
Facebook? Have you tried leaving a comment on her blog? I guess you
could wait for her to start an advice column and e-mail her then...
-----
Dear Prudence OC:
Over the years, I have been asked to contribute funds to some rather
dodgy "causes" at work. Usually, I have been able to say no in a nice
way. Last night, my husband came home with a flier produced by a
co-worker in which he asks for donations so he can go climb Mount
Everest! This man and my husband do not see each other outside work and
have no special bond; they don't even eat lunch together. The flier
closed with the request to "keep this between us." I consider asking
folks at work to buy Girl Scout cookies as the absolute maximum level
of acceptable hitting-up. My outrage was compounded when my husband
declared his intention to give the climber $100 because, "He's a good
guy, and I have to work with him and feel obligated." After my fit, he
agreed to reduce the amount to $50 but got mad at me for being mad.
There is still tension in the air. Am I cruel and selfish, or is my
husband losing it?
--Still Steaming
Your husband's co-worker is awesome. Here's a way to get back at all
those people who come into the office to hit him up for magazine
subscriptions or Girl Scout cookies or whatever the fuck their kids are
doing. How about this, office mates? You give me $100, but instead of
giving you a shitty magazine you don't want for two years, I'LL GO
CLIMB A MOUNTAIN INSTEAD.
Your husband is not awesome. He is an incredible pushover. He got
pushed over by this guy at work, and then he comes home and you start
pushing back, and he resents it. You have two options: accept your
husband for the pussy he is and the occasional $100 bill it will cost
you, or scream at him until he grows a backbone. Of course, once he has
a backbone, the first thing he'll do is leave you for being a bitch to
him all the time.
