And yes, I checked, April Fool's Day isn't for another 7 hours.
If there is a reason to like this garment, it is this image, and the other image that it immediately brings to mind.
It allows the viewer to more closely relate the act of childbirth to
what it is: an alien, implanted and growing inside its host,
until it is ready to burst out, killing the host in the process (or at
the very least, totally ruining her figure).
Consider, for a moment, a pair of infrastructure projects, each competing for stimulus funds. One project has completed all of its required environmental studies, has acquired all necessary right-of-way, and has signed an agreement with a contractor who will design, build, and operate the project. This project promotes reduced motor vehicle use and denser urban development, both necessary steps to reducing carbon emissions and dependence on fossil fuels.
The other project has been kicked around for 25 years with no movement. No environmental studies have been completed. Right-of-way has not been acquired, because no final alignment has been settled on. The project, when built, will serve a small number of people, promote continued exurban sprawl in an area already suffering from unending traffic jams, and pave over acres and acres of some of the last greenfield prairie within 100 miles of a major metropolitan area.
Three questions: which project do you think meets the criteria of a "shovel-ready" project? which project meets the criteria of promoting the environment, green-energy technologies, and less dependence on foreign oil? and, of course, which project got more stimulus funding?
The first project in question is the proposed expansion of the Houston MetroRAIL Light Rail system. The second is a segment of the proposed Grand Parkway, a 4th (!!) loop of highway around Houston. The Grand Parkway will get significantly more stimulus funds, because it is considered "shovel-ready", where the light rail project is not. The answer to why can be found here, on my favorite Houston-related blog, Intermodality. (That's right, suck it Swamplot!)
The short answer is rail and roads are funded by separate agencies, which hold their respective projects to different standards to determine what is shovel-ready, and what ultimately gets funded. For rail, there is an exhaustive process of evaluating your project against potential alternatives, evaluating the risk of going over-budget, and evaluating your project against other proposed rail projects. Then, after all that is done, the Federal Transit Administration can decide it doesn't like your project for absolutely no reason at all, and refuse to fund it. For highway, on the other hand, the process works like this:
Group of 5 dudes appointed by the governor: "Hey, let's build some highways!" Federal Highway Administration: "Sounds good, let me write you a check!"
In case you can't quite tell what's going on, let me explain: I am standing under an elevated highway. Directly in front of me is a four-lane highway. In the medium distance is a highway that, for some reason, is elevated an extra 100 feet off the ground (this is very common in Houston, by the way). Oh, and behind me? A four-lane feeder road.
This picture could have been taken from just about anywhere in Houston. In fact, here is the view out of the window of my apartment.
Billions of dollars are being funneled through a broken system. The system needs to be changed. Change. I swear I've heard something about that somewhere.
I feel that there may be a lack of appreciation for Bubba's Burger Shack. There seems to be an allegiance to Burger Shaq, despite their insistence on not opening any stores or actually cooking any food. So, I want you to see what I had for lunch today, and I want you to understand. Presented without further comment: Bubba's Famous Patty Melt.
Alternate title: Oh shit, Louisville lost? Well fuck me.
Tier 1: The also-also rans
Jesse, 91 possible points Jim, 97 possible points Dr. Greg, PhD, 99 possible points
I was actually eliminated from contention before the weekend started. Jim and I had the same final pairing, but Jim had more points than me, so there was no way for me to pass. 2nd was still a distinct possibility, IF Louisville beat Villanova in the final game. But Louisville lost in embarrassing fashion to Michigan State, ending any hopes of a respectable finish for these three brackets. So, uh, to you guys, and anybody else who took my advice about Louisville as the big winner... sorry about that.
Tier 2: A whiff of respectability
Suzi, 116 possible points Rose, 118 possible points Randy, 123 possible points
None of these players can win, but at least their projected champion made it into the Final Four in Detroit. Hmm. Is it possible that Louisville threw that game just do avoid a trip to Detroit? Something to consider.
Tier 3: Still working on their thesis
Daytrader, 134 possible points Darrell, 147 possible points
The only two players who can still win, and earn their PhD in Bracketology. Here's how it breaks down:
DT is currently in the lead by six points. However, Darrell has more paths to victory.
If Michigan State beats Connecticut in the semi-finals or North Carolina wins the championship, then Darrell wins.
If Connecticut wins the championship, or Villanova wins the championship AND Michigan State loses to Connecticut, then DT wins.
"Therefore, Louisville should be inked in as your champion to start any bracket."
Oops, my bad.
"Pitt and UConn both had the top ranking during the
regular season, only to choke it away almost immediately against
inferior competition. Look for both to lose early (I like them for the
second weekend but no further)."
After an incredibly shaky first three games, Pitt finally lost to Villanova in thrilling fashion. When Villanova hit the layup that won the game with 0.5 seconds left, Suzi and I both started shouting/cheering, I jumped off the couch, which frightened the cat, so the cat started running into the other room, which caused the dog to run after her, except the dog slipped on the floor and crashed into the dining room table, knocking over a chair. Pandemonium here at ObscureCraft HQ.
UConn, on the other hand, continues to dominate. Oops.
"Duke is also, predictably, overrated - expect an early exit."
So-so on this prediction. Early exit means first weekend, they made it one game further.
"Villanova basically has home games for the first two rounds in
Philadelphia, and should win handily. I expect them to ride that
momentum as far as they can (maybe even to Detroit)."
Ah, Villanova. The one bright spot in what has otherwise been a dark, dismal March here at the Center for Bracketological Studies.
Let me tell you what's awesome: a recipe that uses a skillet's worth of chicken, some olive oil, salt, pepper, fresh thyme, and 40 CLOVES OF GARLIC.
Yup, that's it. Honestly, the hardest thing to do is to peel all the garlic. That's what girlfriends are for:
Actually, Elisa made the whole thing. I kind of hung back, took some photos, and did what she told me to do. This was not a bad thing, because the chicken is DELICIOUS. Seriously, 40 FREAKING CLOVES OF GARLIC, can you imagine how good that tastes?
With Jim's allegedly forthcoming video turning into the Smile of nannerpuss videos, I think its time we wrapped this up. We can do that because the standings are no longer close. Sorry, Adam and Rose, but Revenge of Nannerpuss has taken off.
I'm going to take this moment to enjoy a victory, since my bracket took it in the rear this weekend (more on that Monday). Thanks for participating - and if anybody has any new video contest ideas, let me hear them in the comments.
Today on Maury, a woman claimed to know that her man was cheating on her. SHE KNEW. Yeah, but they all know. They are all one trillion pur-scent sure that he be cheatin' on me, Maury! He a cheatin' DAWG! So what made this woman different?
She was psychic.
Oh shit! You are in trouble now! So what did she have, visions? Did a specter visit her in the night? Did a Ouija board spell out C-H-E-A-T-I-N D-A-W-G? No, her psychic visions had a much more powerful manifestation. You see, every time he cheated on her, her ass and vagina would tingle. Since she was a classy woman, she didn't say her vagina tingled. Instead, she said, "Murray, my pussy be itchin' when he cheats!"
Um.
She's right, of course. He was cheating on her. But she's not psychic. Somebody should explain to her what an STD is.
["Dear Prudence" is published every Thursday on Slate.com. For the original column, click here.]
Dear Prudence OC: When I was 17, I got pregnant. My family was not supportive, and I did not want to raise a child on my own. I placed her for adoption but never forgot about her. Twenty-three years later, I got in touch with the lawyer who assisted with the adoption and shortly after got a phone call from my long-lost daughter. We talked for a while, then e-mailed a lot. The more contact we had, the more I didn't like her. She seemed very immature and bratty--she still lives with her parents and had a child last year, whom her parents are raising. Several months later, we met. Also at the meeting were her mom, her baby, my mom, and my daughter, who is five years younger then she. This girl is rude and disrespectful to her mom, yells at her baby, dresses like a slob, and was a brat the whole weekend. My mom said this is the way she was raised, and we should be tolerant. I am all for tolerance, but this kid is awful. Still, for her birthday I sent her a great gift. I called and asked if she received it, and her response was, "Yeah, it was nice." I had put a lot of thought, time, and money into this gift, and that's all I get. I feel nothing for this girl, even though I know she is my daughter. This makes me feel guilty. How could a mother not love her own child, even if she didn't raise her? She is in school to join my chosen profession, which I think she will suck at.
--What Should I Do About the Daughter I Never Wanted?
In high school physics class, we had a project to build a catapult that could launch a projectile into a cup roughly 12 feet away. While it was fun, I always wondered what the ultimate goal was.
Little did I realize that this was a secret government project. The winner of each catapult contest around the country was kidnapped and sent to work in a top secret lab, where the military was developing an android capable of throwing projectiles into cups from great distances. This android was to be deployed in the battlefield as an assassin. Only... he escaped. And plays basketball.
I refuse to believe there is any other explanation for what Lebron James does in this clip.
Underhanded, from half-court, SWISH. My physics teacher would give this android project an A+.
Why is that picture so dark? Well, legend has it that a few years ago, when the new Westpark Tollway was being built, the Texas Department of Transportation had purchased all of the right-of-way they needed except for one little plot at the end of the road. On this plot stood a little burger shack. TxDOT tried and tried to get the little burger shack to sell, but they weren't interested. "Sell us your plot," TxDOT cried, "or we'll build the highway right over you!" "Go ahead," replied the burger shack. "Build the highway over us. People will still come to our burger shack, and they will eat in the shade."
And eat in the shade they do. The place has it all - buffalo meat, Boylan creme soda, an incredible run-down shack, and an off-the-charts burger patty melt. Rye bread, buffalo meat, American cheese, fried onions and jalapenos, and special sauce.
They also have an incredible jalapeno potato salad. This recipe marks my first attempt to reproduce it at home. But it will not be the last.
And if you are asking, "But Jesse: the burger shack is so close to where you live, and the jalapeno potato salad only costs 99 cents. Why not just go there and buy it?" The answer is this. You cannot go to Bubba's Texas Burger Shack just to buy jalapeno potato salad. You might think that's what you are doing, but the next thing you know you have a half-pound of burger crammed into your face, and you weigh 400 pounds. Be warned.
some random amount of pepper, because no recipe ever says how much pepper to put in, they just say to taste, JUST TELL ME HOW MUCH GODDAMN PEPPER TO PUT IN
I don't even know what to call this. I was in Troy this past weekend. On my way home I swung by the (now closed) Troy Pork Store to take some photos before the place is gone forever. While I was doing this, the man on the left (the one in the plaid pajamas) came up to me.
"You got a really nice camera there. That's a high-end piece of equipment."
(uh-oh, I thought this guy is going to mug me)
"Thanks, it's not that high-tech. Kind of old actually."
"Oh, well, could you come across the street with me? My brother is moving out of his apartment and we don't have any pictures of us together."
Let me preface this a bit. The defendant pushed the plaintiff in a
swimming pool and destroyed her iPhone. Should be a simple enough case
right. I mean, it's not rocket science...
My relationship with Adam Carolla as an entertainer has entered a third stage. When I first saw him on Loveline, I thought, "Hey, this guy is kind of funny, in an obnoxious sort of way." Then came the abomination of The Man Show, where I thought, "Hey, this show is retarded and offensive in a not-funny sort of way!" And that was that. The Man Show was cancelled, and Adam Carolla took a radio hosting gig in LA.
But then came his legendary appearance on one of the very first Bill Simmons podcasts, with his movie pitch for Pedif-Isle. (Part one is here, part two is here.) Adam Carolla was back on my radar. So when his radio show was cancelled and he started his own podcast last week, he became part of my bike commuting routine. Sorry, Teri Gross of Fresh Air: I no longer have time for your pedestrian antics.
His guest list has been spectacular. Simmons, Joel McHale of the Soup, Family Guy creator Seth Macfarlane, and Jimmy Kimmel have all delivered the goods. This is what The Man Show might have been like if they were allowed to swear and, you know, actually be funny.
My favorite moment so far has been Adam's take on Seth Macfarlane's brush with death. Seth was booked on the flight that went into one of the towers on 9/11. Only, he overslept. He talks about racing out the door, and his driver breaking all kinds of traffic laws trying to get him to the airport on time. To which Adam responds (not actual quote, but the general idea): "But now you have the perfect excuse to be late everywhere you go. If you ever show up late to anything and somebody gives you grief, you can just say, 'Let me tell you about another time I was late.'"
Podcasting is the killer app that will, once and for all, finish off the premature, half-retarded child that is satellite radio. I already listen to my iPod way more than I listen to free radio. Why would I ever pay a subscription when there is already an abundance of high quality free product delivered over the internet? Plus, its only a matter of a few years before cars have internet built-in, making the iPod download an unnecessary step. (In fact, when that happens, terrestrial radio better watch its back, too). Carolla might not be as funny as Howard Stern, for example, but he sure is cheaper.
Since becoming a New York Yankee, Alex Rodriguez has (a) been outed as a steroid user, (b) started dating Madonna, (c) been implicated in the same prostitution scandal as Elliot Spitzer, (d) won absolutely zero championships, (e) been part of the greatest playoff collapse in the history of baseball (where he tried to pansy-slap the ball out of the opposing pitcher's hands in a pathetic attempt to break up a routine play to first base), (f) collected approximately $120 MILLION dollars in salary, (g) earned the nickname "A-Fraud" from teammates, and (h) posed for a photo spread in Details magazine.
Suzi, 44 points, 156 points possible Daytrader, 46 points, 174 points possible
Tier 2: Eyes on your own paper, please!
Jesse, 47 points, 167 possible Randy, 47 points, 171 possible Darrell, 47 points, 175 possible Dr. Greg, PhD, 47 points, 175 possible
Tier 3: Teacher's Pets
Jim, 49 points, 177 possible Rose, 50 points, 174 possible
Nobody has been eliminated yet (Suzi needs Pittsburgh and UConn to meet in the final AND for Louisville to not make the Final Four, which is... conceivable). Everybody else has multiple routes to victory.
Rose, you were freaking me out for awhile there. At one point during the opening day of the tournment, you had picked 13 out of 13 correctly. And let me also just say that I am tired of you dominating sports picking groups while also hating sports. IT'S ONE OR THE OTHER ROSE STOP BLOWING MY MIND.
"Therefore, Louisville should be inked in as your champion to start any bracket."
Status: Still kicking, although UConn and North Carolina both looked more dominant in their opening weekend blowouts.
"Pitt and UConn both had the top ranking during the
regular season, only to choke it away almost immediately against
inferior competition. Look for both to lose early (I like them for the
second weekend but no further)."
Pitt did indeed look shaky, at times trailing in both of their opening weekend matchups (including against #16 Eastern Tennessee State). UConn, on the other hand, won their two games by a combined 82 points. Maybe they'll be... overconfident?
"Duke is also, predictably, overrated - expect an early exit."
Pending...
"Villanova basically has home games for the first two rounds in Philadelphia, and should win handily."
Villanova and Duke square off in the Sweet 16 after 'Nova's pair of double-digit victories. Nova over Duke is key to me maintaining any semblance of dignity in this bracket.
"Expect Western Kentucky, Siena, and VCU to win their opening round games, and at least one of them to make it to the second weekend."
Two out of three ain't bad, although none of them made the Sweet 16, thanks to Western Kentucky losing on a completely absurd coast-to-coast play by Gonzaga, where the Western Kentucky players completely neglected to stop the guy with the ball with just a few seconds left in a game that otherwise would have gone to OT.
Completely inexcusable miss by me on #12 Arizona, however, who IS going to the second weekend. Thought by many to be the last team picked for the tournament, many bracketologists were questioning the quality of their credentials, also known as "Nobody Believed In Us!" potential, which has proved time and again to be a potent force in deciding playoff games.
GIVE ME BACK THAT FILET OF FISH! GIVE ME THAT FISH! (oooooooh!!!)
What exactly is your plan, singing robot novelty fish? If you take the fish from the bearded redneck he is just going to go purchase another one, and another one of your fish friends will die in vain. You robots are all the same: the Cylon's plan made no sense, and your plan makes no sense.
New game started: craftj2 vs crushedego TWL98 7 0 rated noescape=ON challenge=VOID. craftj2's turn. craftj2: MOVE H4 hinteRs 76 crushedego tells you: wow being shit on again
crushedego tells you: cancer anyt enuf TELL crushedego what?
[game continues]
crushedego tells you: dying of cancer and crap letters TELL crushedego those are both pretty horrible
[game continues]
crushedego: MOVE 10H sprinted 65 crushedego tells you: wow more crap TELL crushedego how does having cancer compare to getting bad scrabble letters?
[game continues]
crushedego tells you: i was hoping to get to [a Scrabble rating of] 1600 before dying TELL crushedego I hear it helps to have goals. crushedego tells you: i was at 1540 crushedego tells you: but god hates me
[game continues]
TELL crushedego how dying of cancer are you?
[game continues]
TELL crushedego what kind of cancer is it?
[game continues]
crushedego tells you: wow screwed again crushedego: CHANGE 6 crushedego tells you: wow all the goodies
[game continues]
crushedego's
game time has expired. crushedego will get 1 more minute with a 10
points penalty. When this minute expires he will forfeit on time.
[game continues]
craftj2: MOVE 9K qi 22 crushedego tells you: wow qzjx TELL crushedego does seeing your game time expire feel kind of poetic crushedego tells you: you are sick TELL crushedego how dying of cancer are you TELL crushedego do the cancer drugs they are giving you also make you bad at scrabble as a side effect
[game continues]
crushedego forfeit on time.
craftj2 wins the game.
In general, there are two kinds of science fiction - the kind that uses
the framework of sci-fi to reflect and comment on our own society, and
then there are Halo novelizations and Star Trek slash-fic.
BSG is the first kind, except is also has special effects better than
some feature films and sexy robots. Really, really sexy robots.
I wrote this last year imploring you to start watching Galactica before its was too late. Well, the hour has gotten a bit late: the series finale is tonight. Now is the time for reflection. So if you haven't watched Galactica, or you are still catching up, then I warn you know: ahead thar be spoilers. Turn back before it is too late!
"A high school principal and his security staff shut feuding students in a steel cage to settle disputes with bare-knuckle fistfights, according to an internal report by the Dallas Independent School District.
....
Mr. Moten, who resigned from the district in 2008 while under investigation in connection with a grade-changing scandal, denies the cage-fight accusations.
....
Mr. Moten, 56, is a former Dallas police officer who once lied about being kidnapped and robbed at gunpoint to get out of work, for which he was placed on administrative leave."
As an interesting side note, yes the Texas pledge is recited every day in high schools. A proposed amendment to the bill that updated the language to add 'one state under God' that would have made clear that recitation was voluntary and should not be coerced by school staff failed in the House decisively.
If you care even the tiniest bit about the future of the human race, you have been dutifully eating peanut butter and jelly for lunch every day like me. And, if you are anything like me, the thought of another peanut butter and jelly sandwich makes you want to punch a polar bear cub right in the fucking face.
Well, good news, polar bear cubs! I don't have to eat PB&J everyday, and neither do you. The point is that there is anything special or magical about PB&J, but rather that you just avoid eating meat. So any vegetarian meal will do. This week I made curried lentils and vegetables, aka liberal douchebag meal that manages to be enviro-conscious and ethnically diverse at the same time. Enjoy!
Since we seem to be expressing our feelings in the form of a haiku I figured that I would vent some frustrations on three topics in the same manner. See if you can figure out what I'm talking about.
Whitney is stupid Olivia P. says "'tdoes" Adam is a tool.
Katelynn was a man Chet wants to suck Ryan's dick J.D.: also gay.
This is crazy that All of this is happening While Lauren is gone.
American Insurance Group received $85 billion in taxpayer money in September of 2008 to keep it from crashing. We, the taxpaying public, were told at the time that this money was necessary to keep the crisis from spreading. Not being a financial expert, I failed to understand this, and was thus credulous about claims that AIG was the lynch pin holding the US economy together that must be saved at all costs. But my failure to understand also meant that I could not muster the proper outrage at what was going on. I no longer have that problem.
We are now, as a nation, $152 in the hole to AIG. Where has that money gone? And how did it help save the economy? Yesterday, those questions were answered when AIG published a list of counterparties.
Counter-whatsits? What does that have to do with anything? What is going on? I feel like this should make me angry but I don't know why! Help!
I hurt my back this morning. Doing double-takes does not feel very good when your back hurts. So if the next time you see me I am in traction, blame this commercial.
Elaborate joke, right? Well, not according to this contest website. These are the first words you see: This is an actual sweepstakes.
This is an actual sweepstakes and, if you are the grand prize winner,
we will fly you and a companion to New York where you will receive a
free colonoscopy. You will also be given three nights' accommodation in
a suite at the luxurious Loews Regency Hotel, which will include the night before you are "awarded" the colonoscopy.
I am creeped out by this contest. No, this isn't a gay panic thing where I'm afraid that having anything go near your butt makes you homosexual (although PS: it totally does). No, my problem is the way they put "awarded" in quotation marks. It makes the word awarded sound like a euphemism for rape. Now you lie still and be quiet while I award you this colonoscopy, or I'll cut you. Please, CBS, no! No!!
Also on the TV tonight? Perhaps my favorite local news tease ever:
A local pastor in Fort Bend County is accused of dealing out more than the Lord's word. He's accused of dealing crack.
He could have stopped after the first sentence. "Accused of dealing more than the Lord's word" is evocative enough for the viewer to infer what he might have been dealing instead. But no. He is dealing crack. CRACK. He hit the word "crack" like Chris Brown hit Rihanna. Which is to say he hit it very hard. HARD.
[We are still accepting students in this year's class on advanced bracketology. Enrollment in this year's class can be found here. The group ID# is 79883, and the password is "ballsack".] Start with a winner
A successful bracket does not start by correctly identifying "Cinderella" (the ugly populist term for teams that upset the natural order of seeds) but rather by identifying the champion. Despite the uncertainty inherent in an over-extended single-elimination tournament, the regular season results contain the only important data required for this determination.
Claims of parity in college basketball aside, this year's results provide clear guidance in selecting a winner. Ideally, it would be simple to identify the best team by looking at the winner from the best conference, and this year that is quite clear. The Big East was the strongest conference in college basketball all season, and Louisville won both the regular season and conference tournament titles. Therefore, Louisville should be inked in as your champion to start any bracket.
Beware the chalk
Number one seeds are based on hype and reputation as much as actual performance. Pitt and UConn both had the top ranking during the regular season, only to choke it away almost immediately against inferior competition. Look for both to lose early (I like them for the second weekend but no further). Duke is also, predictably, overrated - expect an early exit.
It matters where they play
Villanova basically has home games for the first two rounds in Philadelphia, and should win handily. I expect them to ride that momentum as far as they can (maybe even to Detroit).
Look for upsets where they have happened before
When looking for those glamorous "Cinderella" teams, look to previous tournament experience. Based on this standard, expect Western Kentucky, Siena, and VCU to win their opening round games, and at least one of them to make it to the second weekend.
[Previous excerpts from my forthcoming book can be found here. Enrollment in this year's class on advanced bracketological studies can be found here. The group ID# is 79883, and the password is "ballsack".]
Chapter 2: The Fallacy of Ascertaining Supremacy
The great obsession of sports is determining a champion. Every sport requires that all teams or individual participants be ranked against each other in a hierarchical fashion. Most team sports (with a notable exception we will get to soon) fashion a seeded tournament with successive rounds, wherein the winner advances until a champion is determined. Individual sports like tennis and golf resort to a rankings system, where performance in each event is weighed into an overall score to determine a champion.
The notable exception is college football, where, at the end of the regular season, a panel of voters selects two teams to play for the championship without the assistance of a formal bracket. This format has proven highly unpopular among sport enthusiasts; in fact, Barack Obama felt the need to take time out of a busy campaign schedule to decry the lack of a playoff in college football.
What this position assumes (incorrectly) is that the playoff is the best way to determine which team is the best. All playoffs systems are flawed to varying degrees, and engender the same kind of dissatisfaction. Nowhere is this more prevalent than in college basketball, the gold standard by which tournaments are to be judged. 64 teams are selected, seeded, and pitted against each other in a month-long experiment in natural selection. But even this paragon of champion selection is wrought with flaws. Consider:
Those who disparage the college football system want an 8-team seeded tournament. Yet, even with 64 teams participating, there are inevitable complains about those teams left outside looking in.
In fact, the argument could be made that the tournament is too large. With 64 teams participating, the eventual champion is required to win 6 straight games. Even the best teams during the regular season rarely win 6 straight games against regular competition. Too large a tournament makes it too difficult for the top teams to claim a prize which should, by other objective measures, rightfully be theirs.
The whole tournament apparatus hinges on seeds, which is an unscientific process. Teams must be compared against each other despite playing different schedules and different opponents.
Indeed, this last problem taints most major sports. The most scientifically accurate way to determine a champion would be to construct a season where each team played identical schedules and competition. That way, all questions of strength of schedule and margin of victory would be eliminated. A schedule constructed in this manner with a large enough sample size to smooth out the noise of statistical variations would generate an undisputed champion without the need for playoffs, complicated logorithms, or expert panels.
Naturally, there is not a single sport that does, or would consider, adopting this format.
Through her job, Suzi scored box seats to the Houston Rodeo. It is the biggest, richest rodeo IN THE WORLD. And box seats! That means you get all the food and drink you want, plus parking, all free of charge. I love getting free food. I love it so much. I have done some shameful things in my life for free food, and it wasn't even free food at a rodeo. Eat free dinner tonight while watching cowboys chase down and corral your dinner for tomorrow. Plus, their was a performance by dreamy, dreamy Brad Paisley.
Doesn't that sound great? Well, the sound is all I get, BECAUSE I COULDN'T GO. I had class last night. Stupid stupid class. This is how much fun going to the rodeo was
Instead of going to the rodeo, I got to sit in class in front of two
college students who decided that it was more important for them to
have a conversation than to let me hear the professor teach the class
I'm paying hundreds of dollars to take. Not only that, but when I told
them to be quiet so I could hear, they looked at me like I had just
walked up to them in a restaurant and spit on their dinners. Yeah, I
told you to be quiet without saying please. Yeah I gave you the "talkie
talkie" motion with my hand. You know what I wanted to do? I wanted to
stand up, slap you in the face and say SHUT YOU GODDAMN MOUTHS I A
MISSING THE RODEO FOR THIS SO YOU WILL BE QUIET AND LET ME LEARN YOU
COCKSUCKERS. So all in all, I think you two got off pretty easy.
This is how much fun not going to the rodeo, and instead getting to wear the plastic pink cowboy hat that Suzi ate FREE ICE CREAM out of, is.
If you forced me to choose which one to watch, I pick the Colbert Report, because it makes me laugh every single time. But if you only let me keep one on the air, I would keep The Daily Show.
In the recent flap with CNBC, The Daily Show shows why it is primary source for analysis of the way the media covers the news. After single-handedly shutting the doors on the original political shoutfest, CNN's Crossfire, Jon Stewart and company have set their sights on CNBC after Rick Santelli's now-famous rant on the floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange, where he complains about the government bailing out the "loser's mortgages."
TDS and Stewart responded in their signature style: with CNBC's own words.
So today, we had a free study in RELA (Reading, Eating, and Language
Arts). This, of course, actually meant that we had a day to talk to
everyone and wish we were not in RELA. So D.O., ever exciting, chose to
start a classwide conversation on pet deaths.
"Yeah, so, when I was nine, I accidentally dropped my pet fish down the disposal and turned it on!" D.O. squealed.
Yeah, okay. If that isn't extremely frightening, I don't know what is.
First of all, who would allow D.O. to touch an animal, much less own
one? Second, how do you accidentally drop a fish down the disposal, and accidentally turn it on? What is wrong with this girl?
"And then, I got a hamster to make me feel better about my tragic
loss!" Oh, dang. This is going to end badly. "But I accidentally
decapitated him while putting him in my Fisher-Price cash register!"
What? What is this nonsense? D.O. ACCIDENTALLY decapitated a hamster? How
do you do that? So pretty soon, the class was on a collective rampage
over these poor animals. Honestly, I don't blame them. Um, ew! That is
truly disgusting.
"So now I have a kitten. I almost accidentally drowned her in a bathtub, but then my mom saved her!"
Okaaaay. A few things wrong with this, namely, her mother had to stop
her from drowning a kitten in a bathtub. She couldn't not kill a pet
just once, no, her mother had to intervene.
"That's disgusting! How could you do that to a poor hamster?"
I'm sure somebody on the internet has scooped me on this particular clip (what the Oscars being TWO WHOLE WEEKS AGO MOVE ON ALREADY), but in case you haven't seen it, make sure you take your irony medication before clicking play.
To recap: Kate Winslet guest stars in Extras, playing herself. "Kate Winslet" is starring in a movie about the Holocaust because she desperately wants to win an Oscar. And she has noticed (as have we all) that Holocaust movies win Oscars.
Fast forward to 2009: Kate Winslet actually wins an Oscar... for a (pretty universally unloved) movie about the Holocaust.
That sound you hear? That is the universe folding back on itself.
The studying continues, as does my amazement that I actually have a degree in this subject. Two degrees, even! I am supposed to be an "expert" and yet I forgot half these things existed, and forgot how to deal with the other parts.
As a freshman engineer, you take two courses in chemistry, two courses in physics, and two in math. That leaves room for exactly one actual engineering course: STATICS. Statics is the litmus test by which you determine if you actually want to be an engineer or not. Most did not. In order to make it through statics you need to be (a) good at it, or (b) lazy enough that you can't be bothered to change majors. I was (b). Yay? Anyway, onto the learning!
Free body diagrams. Last seen in Dynamics, junior year. Oh, how I hate you free body diagrams. The only thing I hate more than drawing you is admitting how utterly important you are to correctly solving a complicated Statics problem.
Friction over a pulley. Last seen... actually, I'm not entirely convinced I've ever done this kind of problem before. Probably last seen in Statics, freshman year. That whole year is kind of a haze, honestly.
Centroids. Last seen in Dynamics, junior year. Dynamics was
pretty much the last gasp for alot of this bullshit, before I left
mechanics behind for good to study heat and mass transfer. Oh, yeah,
that's right: heat AND mass transfer, baby. I'm sure there's a terrible
nerd pickup line in their somewhere, but I'm too tired to tease it out.
Moments of inertia. Last seen in Dynamics, junior year. I sucked at calculating them then, and I suck now. I mean, length to the fourth power? What the hell does that even mean outside of hypercubes? And God help you if you are ever trapped in a hypercube. Speaking of which...
That's it. You basically learn 4 things freshman year as an engineering student. Well, that, and there are no pretty girls in any of your classes. Don't be engineers, kids!
It is fitting that America's Next Top Model doesn't happen in seasons, but in cycles. Because when it is ANTMs time of the year, it is best to just stay out of the way. Unfortunately, the Suze loves this horrible show, and as of this Wednesday, it is that time of the year again. Usually when this happens I kick and fight and bite and scream, but I've finally decided to heed the immortal words of Republican businessman and political fundraiser Clayton Williams: As long as it is inevitable, I might as well lie back and enjoy it.
Every cycle, Tyra needs to have a girl on the show with a "gimmick". Past gimmicks have included plus-sized models, transvestite models, genital mutilation models, and models with Asperger's syndrome. This year, Tyra is going all out - the gimmick appears to be that every girl has a gimmick. How tough was the competition for gimmicks this year? There is a model
who's daughter died, and she did not make the top 12. Oh, dead daughter? Whatever, YAWN. NEXT PLEASE.
Tahlia is competing to be both America's Next Top Model and America's Next Top Burn Victim. She was burned as a child when a hot pot of coffee fell on her, and now her body is covered with burns and surgery scars. A question: if you go to a casino with Tahlia, and she goes on a winning streak, would she get upset if you said "Girl, you are on fire!"?
Isabella has epilepsy, and showed up to the Top Model house with 4 huge bottles filled with anti-seizure medication. If I was competing with her, the first thing I would do is flush those pills down the drain. Also: if you ever wondered whether or not the producers of ANTM were soulless fish monsters, wonder no longer. The very first runway challenge required the girl with epilepsy to walk down a runway covered with strobe lights. I imagine the entire production staff crammed around a playback screen chanting "SEIZE! SEIZE! SEIZE! SEIZE!" as she walked out.
Allison has huge, terrifying eyes. Also she has a fetish for human blood. Seriously, just watch this clip.
There's a girl named London, and that isn't even her gimmick. Her gimmick is that she is a street preacher. When she was picked for the top 12, she couldn't join the rest of the group until she had gone through her sacred prayer ritual, which apparently consists of jumping up and down shouting "YAY JESUS! YAY JESUS!" at the top of her lungs 7 times while spinning clockwise.
My favorite girl, though, is definitely Monique: 9/11 Truther.
"A 63-year-old attorney based in Lafayette, La., who asked not to be
named, told ABCNews.com that she plans to cut back on her business to
get her annual income under the quarter million mark should the Obama
tax plan be passed by Congress and become law.
"We are going to try to figure out how to make our income $249,999.00," she said."
Current marginal tax rate for the highest earners: 33%
Proposed marginal tax rate for highest earners in the Obama plan: 36%
Before the math, a hypothetical: does this constitute class warfare? Find the answer at the end of the column.
Now, a math question. You earn $255,500, placing you in the top tax bracket of 33%. The rates for this bracket increase to 36%. Barring any other changes in the tax code, how much does your tax bill increase?
Here is the math that people like Unnamed 63-Year-Old Attorney appear to be doing:
$255,500 * (36% - 33%) = $7,665
Oh god! That brings you below $250,000! That means you are being penalized for making more! Class warfare! CLASS WARFARE!!
Here is the problem: you, Unnamed 63-Year-Old Attorney, are an idiot. I hope for the love of god you aren't a tax attorney. Here is how the math actually looks:
($255,500 - $250,000) * (36%-33%) = $165
That's right, boys and girls: the money you earn gets taxed based on the bracket it belongs in. An example: If the tax rate up to $50,000 is 20%, up to $100,000 is 25%, up to $250,000 is 30%, and over is 35%, then people who earn over $250,000 get their taxes calculated, not like this:
The thing is, I'm betting all of you know that, because you aren't learning disabled like Unnamed 63-Year-Old Attorney. The real question here isn't how to solve the math problem, but rather: why do we have a news story from a major outlet like ABC News about people like this that isn't focused on how they are retarded and our underfunded educational system has failed them? It's like reading a piece of hard-nosed investigative journalism about where did Frankie's ball go. IT IS UNDER THE COUCH FRANKIE.
(The answer to the hypothetical: 36% tax rates only quantify as class warfare if you believe that we were engaged in class warfare during the 1990s before the Bush tax cuts. But the politics are really a story for another day.)
(Okay, this reminds me of something else: last time I was home during the day, I was watching an episode of Maury where a man vehemently denied paternity of his girlfriend's child because she was unfaithful to him. Right before they cut to his testimonial video, she shouts at him, "Yeah but it was with a woman!" and his face, which is on a big screen right behind Maury as he tosses to the video, is completely stunned: "Oh I didn't know that" he mutters right before we get a video telling us all about he ain't the father of DeShawn. He spends the rest of the segment feeling incredibly contrite and embarrassed as Maury goes through the motions before revealing that YOU ARE THE FATHER. That's what should have happened to this story: the reporter should have told the attorney that the tax increase would only apply to that portion of their earnings above $250,000, followed by a quick, embarrassed, "Oh I didn't know that.")
Texas amount set aside for transportation projects: $2.8 billion
Stimulus money going into Houston area road and highway projects: $677 million Stimulus money going into Houston's phase 2 light rail expansion: $92 million
The light rail project is expected to cost $73 million per mile. The stimulus package will pay for a little over a mile and a quarter.
If you've been paying attention to the news, you know that today unemployment hit 8.1%. Highest level in 25 years, financial apocalypse, prepare your 'camping equipment', the living will envy the dead, yadda yadda.
But don't you wish you could see the economy and your future employment prospects heading off the cliff, instead of just read about it? Well you're in luck, since there's a new edition of the graph that will make you want to hang yourself out today. Thanks, Speaker Pelosi!
Since the re-animation of Steve McQueen (now Steven R. McQueen, because zombies use middle initials to identify themselves) it has been dawning on my how accepted zombies had become in our culture without me even noticing. Consider:
We elected a zombie as president to TWO-TERMS. (George W. Bush) Millions of us go to church every Sunday to worship a zombie. (Jesus H. Christ) Zombies have been making propoganda movies about zombies since the seventies! (George A. Romero)
Also, I had the following exchange with a co-worker yesterday:
Much older co-worker: "I'm going to need to get three P.E.s to sign off in order for me to get my license again." Me: "You must know lots of P.E.s." Co-worker: "Yeah, but all of them are dead!" Me: "Well, that is going to be a problem." Co-worker: "Nah, I'll be able to dig somebody up."
This weeks special award goes to: Revenge of Nannerpuss! for most comments indicating that the video creater should commit suicide (3).
I'm going to keep this going until Jim comes through with his long-in-the-works Nannerpuss opus, which is turning into the Full Metal Jacket of Nannerpuss videos.
Let's start by facing facts: Plaxico Burress is going to jail. He could be facing up to three years of slammer time for shooting himself in the leg, which, it turns out, is against the law. Even if he doesn't go away for that long, he is certainly looking at some time. The most optimistic I can be about the situation is that he avoids jail, but NFL commish Roger Goodell suspends him for the season for violating the league's personal conduct policy. Burress will not be wearing the big blue next season.
So what to do? Despite what we all tried to convince ourselves of, the Giants, and particularly Eli Manning, were lost without the big wideout. No deep threat meant that the other Giants receivers could not get open, and it meant the opponents defense could stack up against the run in crucial situations. This all played out in the Giants playoff game against the Eagles, when Eli couldn't hit a pass in the wind and the Giants were stuffed on two crucial fourth-quarter 4th down rushes.
The Giants are one big wide receiver short of another Super Bowl run. TJ Houshmandzadeh would have been a good fit, but he's inexplicably gone to Seattle without so much as a whiff by the Giants. There might be a move to be made to trade for a receiver, but no impact names come to mind as being available.
Except T.O. Owens was released today by the Cowboys, making him a free agent. Entering his 14th year in the league, he is still an elite player. Just some of the stats: Owens is the active career leader in touchdown catches. In his first season with Philly (2004), he caught 14 touchdowns in 14 games. His first two seasons in Dallas resulted in 28 touchdowns, and he's had over 1,000 yards receiving in each of the last three years.
The problems are just as well documented, culminating in last year's hissy fit over Tony Romo's slumber parties with BFF Jason Witten. Owens is as mercurial a star as their is in sports, ready to rip a team, a locker room, and a season to shreds at a moments notice.
But I have vowed to not delude myself when it comes to the Giants, so here is the hard reality: the Giants will not win a Super Bowl without filling that gap at wide receiver. With a team as talented as the Giants are right now, that should be the goal. So sign T.O for one year. Pay him a bunch of cash, make him happy for the next 12 months. He'll show up to play. He'll want to prove everybody wrong, and take out his frustrations on the Cowboys and Eagles, who the Giants happen to play (at least) twice a year each. He'll repay the Giants with over 1,000 yards and 15 touchdowns, guaranteed.
And then, at the end of the season, let him go. Plaxico will be out of jail, or another receiver will be available, or someone they drafted and developed from within will step forward. But that's for 2010. For right now, they need a stop-gap solution. Somebody tell me I'm crazy. Tell me I'm wrong. Unless the Giants want to see another precious season with the talent they have wasted, they need to act, and act boldly. Sign T.O.
Lately, I've grown used to terrible news sources, especially cable news but also newspapers. Seriously, ever looked at the Houston Chronicle's editorials? But lately the Houston Press has been doing this kick-ass new thing I've never seen before. Get this, they're using their resources to do a long, in-depth investigation into areas of society that most people don't know about, and then 'report' back to the viewers. I think they call it 'journalism', but don't quote me on that.
This article in particular, while old, is a great example. I can't think of any article in a real newspaper that comes close to being as informative. It's a bit long for work reading, so save it for your lunch break or evening reading.
Perhaps if places like the Washington Post would spend less time whining about blogs and more time doing actual reporting, they would find themselves in a position of providing a service that not every retard with a Typepad account could do just as well. I was going to link a delightful ABC news article that spent four solid pages actively misleading its readers about marginal tax rates. Unfortunately, the manyblogs that savaged it got there before I could, and it's been sort of corrected. It was absolutely glorious in its idiocy, I recommend the second link (The New Republic) for a pithy takedown.
There are lies, there are damn lies, and then there is the total bullshit that comes out of George Will's mouth.
George Will is a columnist for the Washington Post, and a global warming skeptic. Actually, I take that back. Skeptic implies that there is a debate and honest intellectual position to be taken on either side. George Will is a global warming denier, with the same connotation as that for a Holocaust denier: he covers his eyes and ears to the truth, and then shouts his position as loud as he can so he doesn't have to hear the echo of his lies coming back to him.
In his most recent column on global warming, Will repeats with a straight-face a number of thoroughly debunked global warming denial talking points.
In the 1970s, "a major cooling of the planet" was "widely considered
inevitable" because it was "well established" that the Northern
Hemisphere's climate "has been getting cooler since about 1950" (New
York Times, May 21, 1975). Although some disputed that the "cooling
trend" could result in "a return to another ice age" (the Times, Sept.
14, 1975), others anticipated "a full-blown 10,000-year ice age"
involving "extensive Northern Hemisphere glaciation" (Science News,
March 1, 1975, and Science magazine, Dec. 10, 1976, respectively)"
Look how his extensive citations make this look like well-researched material! Rather than do the legwork myself to point out the bullshit, I'll lean on the analysis done by George Monbiot on his blog:
... despite active efforts to answer these questions, the following
pervasive myth arose: there was a consensus among climate scientists of
the 1970s that either global cooling or a full-fledged ice age was
imminent ... A review of the climate science literature from 1965 to
1979 shows this myth to be false. The myth's basis lies in a selective
misreading of the texts both by some members of the media at the time
and by some observers today. In fact, emphasis on greenhouse warming
dominated the scientific literature even then.
In other words, George Will has cherry picked from four articles out of hundreds that were published on climate change at the time, and drawn his pre-determined conclusion from there. If that was all he did, there wouldn't be much to get upset about. But the bullshit hose so far has been set to a trickle compared to the soaking you are about to get:
Since September, however, the increase in sea ice has been the fastest
change, either up or down, since 1979, when satellite record-keeping
began.
Back to Monbiot:
I can find no evidence of this. The published evidence
suggests that the increase in Arctic sea ice this year has been
significantly lower than the average since 1979, and follows a very
similar trajectory to that of 2006-07.
Let me say it plainer: George Will is lying. He is a liar. Somebody should tell George Will to drop and roll, because his pants are on fire. And these are lies that have been printed in a major city newspaper. People read this, and think it is true, and form opinions based on it!
Will again:
According to the University of Illinois' Arctic Climate Research Center, global sea ice levels now equal those of 1979.
Monbiot:
When I contacted to the Arctic Climate Research Center to ask if this claim was correct, the Center's Bill Chapman wrote this:
"No,
it is not correct. I don't know where they are getting that. As of
today, there are 1.43m km sq less Arctic sea ice than this same date in
1979. (Roughly the size of two Texas-sized states)."
Lies. Flat out, bald faced lies. And here's another:
Besides, according to the U.N. World Meteorological Organization, there
has been no recorded global warming for more than a decade, or
one-third of the span since the global cooling scare.
Monbiot:
The most recent WMO statement
(pdf) shows a continuing warming trend over the past decade, and
reports that "the linear warming trend over the past 50 years (0.13C
per decade) is nearly twice that for the past 100 years."
An entire article filled with easily-disproved lies was published in a major American newspaper. Friend of the site Sam Wilkinson recently commented on the sad state of American journalism. You will find no sadder example than this.
People used to have hobbies. In the age of the internet, when people with the same hobby are better able to connect, these hobbies can blossom into obsessions. Want to know if you have a hobby or an obsession? Check your vocabulary.
If I need an English-to-nerd dictionary to understand you, then you have an obsession. And I'm not just talking about you nerds that are fluent in Klingon or Entish. At my last job, we had a group of guys who started playing bridge together at lunch. I became obsessed. How can I tell? Here are a couple of signs. And yes, bitches still be coffeehousin.
I'm convinced now that one of the things that drew me to bridge in the first place was the expansive set of vocabulary behind it. I might have an obsession with glossaries. And today I found an awesome one at Paul Lucas' Uni Watch blog. Uni Watch is the blog for sports uniforms obsessives. Like this guy. And check this fucker out. (Where do you even wear jerseys? I have one jersey, a Mariano Rivera road jersey that I love, but I never wear it. To the supermarket? The mall? What am I, 12 years old?)
Regardless of my own uni-collecting desires, I am now all about uniform design, because now I can use some of the following terms thanks to the Uni Watch glossary:
Blood jersey: A jersey with a uniform number not currently assigned to anyone on the roster, and with no player name,
to be used if a player's regular jersey becomes blood-stained, torn, or
otherwise unwearable during the course of a game. Sort of an "In case
of emergency, break glass" jersey.
Hockey may be lame, but it has all the best uniform terminology. For example:
Cooperalls: Long hockey pants worn by the Flyers and Whalers in the early 1980s. Named after their manufacturer, Cooper. Banned by the NHL after two seasons.
Or how about:
Fight strap: A fabric strap sewn into the back inner side of a hockey jersey,
connecting to the back of the player's pants. This prevents a player
from quickly removing his jersey during a fight (which would be a major
advantage, since it would give him more freedom of movement and give
his opponent nothing to hold onto). Fight straps are mandatory on all
NHL jerseys.
Decal: The proper term for an press-on adhesive graphic on a sports helmet. Don't say, "sticker"; say, "decal."
Another way to tell you are obsessed: you get upset when somebody uses the wrong terminology. (Don't. Say. Sticker. Don't you fucking dare.)
Spat or spatting: Athletic tape applied to a football player's cleats and ankles -- sometimes for support, sometimes for style. Pioneered on the football field by Colts great Lenny Moore, whose nickname was, of course, Spats.
And, if you are still wondering:
Squatchee: The little button on top of a baseball cap. Apparently coined by broadcaster Bob Brenly.
So, you see, technically it was showing. That's what makes it so funny.
Meghan McCain has written an article for the Daily Beast titled "Looking For Mr. Far. Right." Please go, read that, and then come back and read my advice to her. Thanks to OC tipper Jim.
-----
Dear Looking,
You are full of shit.
There are exactly two things that are interesting about you. The first is that you are smoking, smoking hot. The second is that your last name is McCain. And guess what? You've had the same last name for years! You haven't magically turned into John McCain's daughter since the election. This isn't even the first time your dad ran for office. For years, you have been introducing yourself as Meghan McCain. For those same years, people have responded, "Oh, like John McCain?" Inevitably, the conversation has turned to politics. Hey, too bad what happened to your dad in 2000 with that whole secret black baby thing. Hey, your dad is a real great guy, I'm all about campaign finance reform too. Hey, your dad must be retarded, because you are SPECIAL, baby.
But now, since the election, this has become a problem for you. You just can't seem to put your finger on it. You can't stand those Obama supporters, but the real hard-line McCain supporters don't do it for you either. Allow me to diagnose your problem in three easy steps:
1) You come from a political family, and politics are a part of everything you think, do, and say. 2) You can't stand Obama supporters because you are, as you admit, Looking for Mr. Far Right. 3) You can't stand those hard-line McCain supporters because you know they'll be thinking about him to become aroused instead of you.
There is a very simple solution for this: OPEN YOUR MOUTH. Your sexy, sexy mouth. Instead of writing a 2000 word column for the Daily Beast complaining, "Oh, how come these guys keep talking politics on my dates," why don't you try saying, "Hey, I know I'm John McCain's daughter and all, but I don't really want to get into politics tonight." Or something! Tell your dates! Don't tell the Daily Beast! The Daily Beast won't help you.
And try dating someone who isn't an incredibly creepy Republican hard-liner who wants to dress you up as your mom. I don't know where you found him.
For years, Jim claimed he was working on a secret project to bring Steve McQueen back to life. I can't believe you didn't tell me that you had succeeded! Not only that, but he's been cast in a vampire show on the CW!
Weird that he's decided to call himself Steven R. McQueen instead of Steve McQueen. Is having a middle initial a zombie thing? Does this mean that anybody who identifies themselves with a middle initial is actually a zombie? That would be very helpful information to have.
If I might suggest a project: Great Escape 2: Escape From Hell. Steve McQueen and Paul Newman lead a ragtag group that digs a tunnel under the river Styx and out of the underworld (which is also patrolled by Nazis). I'm assuming for this project, Jim, that now that you have perfected your zombie reanimation techniques you'll be bringing Paul Newman back next. Please?
