So
in Spanish we were doing a unit on family members in, of course,
Spanish. As a project, Mrs. Z had us create a family tree and name the
members Spanish names.
Recipe for disaster, as any seasoned teacher would expect, but Mrs. Z
is a less-than-seasoned teacher, and rather oblivious to the goings-on
at school, so she went right ahead and told us to go for it. We did.
Today we presented, telling the class all about the various names,
ages, favorite activities, and home locations of all the family
members. It may seem innocent enough, but this is hardly so.
Pretty soon, kids had to know how to say step-step-stepbrother, or
fourth cousin six times removed, or how to explain why they had two
abuelos and no abuelas. Read into that what you like. But basically,
chaos reigned. As you can imagine, little education was received in
Spanish class, but it was certainly fun to watch poor Mrs. Z as her
class dissolved into a horde of obnoxious middle schoolers with cell
phones out, texting, with cokes in hand.
Pretty soon, one kid, D.O., tried to actually present. Now, you've got
to know D.O. to see the humor in this. You probably remember her from
last What's cool in middle school, with the puppet shows. Of course,
she spent ten minutes ranting on about her ridiculous cousin, Porky,
and another fifteen on her aunt, Porky's mom. In English. I considered
politely informing her that we were in Spanish class, but honestly, I
was enjoying myself waaaaaayyy too much for that. As one of Riverwood's
best presenters, D.O. enjoys infamy for being great at long rants, in
her incredibly high speech-giving voice.
Halfway through her presentation, a letter came for D.O.
"Oooooooooh, the talent show! Did I make it, did I make it?
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, I didn't make it! Lemonpies!" D.O. screeched.
Then she promptly reverted back to her speech giving self.
Then there was the clip art. Oh, the clip art. Clip art here, clip art
there, clip art with Spanish captions, clip art with English captions,
clip art of food, of schools, of homework, and of tigers (no, not LSU.
Just a coincidence.) By the end of the school day, that clip art was
just about ready to explode off the edge of D.O.'s project and devour
all the laughing students, and some were afraid it would.
I must report on the lack of order and in some cases, lack of sanity
and basic personal hygiene of the students in Mrs. Z's class. If I were
a parent, I would be spending my time writing a stern letter to the
school district, but as I'm not, I'm writing this instead. Good luck,
parents.
There has been much debate in the comments over the comparative quality of competing Nannerpuss-inspired videos that have appeared on the site. I've decided to settle this scientifically: let YouTube decide! Here are up-to-the-minute Nannerpuss standings on YouTube
You might look at this and say Adam and Rose are winning, but I see it as my two videos have a combined viewership of 151, making me the leader. You gonna argue with me? Yeah? You and what blog?
Don't like the results, these videos, or anything about this bullshit? Well, it's not too late to get your entry into the Nannerpuss video derby! Send me your video or your YouTube link.
Albert Haynesworth hit the free-agent jackpot Friday morning by reaching agreement on a seven-year, $100 million deal with the Washington Redskins that could end up maxing out at $115 million based on his performance, according to sources.
I read that entire article. Nowhere does it mention this:
On October 1, 2006, in the third quarter of a game against the Cowboys, running back Julius Jones scored on a rushing play. Center Andre Gurode fell to the ground, and his helmet was removed by Haynesworth. [...]
Haynesworth reached down and pulled off his helmet; in video evidence
of the play. [...]
Haynesworth tried to stomp on Gurode's head, but missed. A second
stomp opened a severe wound on Gurode's forehead, narrowly missing his
right eye.
3 years ago, during a game, Albert Haynesworth, a 320-lb defensive tackle, pulled another player's helmet off and then stomped as hard as he could on his face. Today, he signs a contract for $100M dollars. I only have two questions:
- How does any story about this guy not include at least some mention of a 5-game suspension for Stomping A Dude's Face, and - Is there any question that this guy was on steroids at the time?
Roger Clemens threw part of a bat at Mike Piazza during the 2000 World Series, and this gets brought up time and again as evidence that he was on steroids. Well, this guy STEPPED ON SOMEBODY'S FACE WITH HIS 320 POUND BODY. And yet... nothing. Where is the outrage? Where are the red-in-the-face sportscaster's demand that records be erased and awards be stripped and Hall of Fame induction be denied?
There hasn't been this much good will squandered since the last time an actual Goodwill store burned to the ground.
Jerry Seinfeld is teaming up with Oprah (!!) to bring us a reality show. It sounds kind of like Lewis Black's Root of All Evil, except standing in for extremely tired pop culture references (beer vs. weed! Donald Trump vs Oprah! The speed with which my hand can hit the remote vs. the speed that the radio waves can transmit the "change the fucking channel" command to the receiver!) we will have extremely tired marital arguments.
"In concert with former Oprah Winfrey producer Ellen Rakieten, Seinfeld is producing a reality show called The Marriage Ref.
The premise has real-life couples airing their marital grievances
before a panel of wise-cracking celebrities and a "referee" who will
determine which person is right and which is wrong."
Seinfeld was to TV what 9/11 was to American politics: a culturally seismic event that changed everything that would come after it. And, much like George Bush before him, instead of building on the good will that event caused to create something great, he has squandered it pursuit of incredibly misguided goals and ambitions.
Bee Movie was the Iraq invasion, and Seinfeld's appearance on 30 Rock was his "Mission Accomplished" speech. This show will be Seinfeld's "Heckuva job, Brownie."
I have started studying for an important professional certification exam, the Fundamentals of Engineering test. I will be sitting for the exam in April. To pass the test I am going to need to bury myself in pretty much everything I learned in 5+ years of college, including things from freshman year that I didn't really pay attention to and some stuff I'm not entirely convinced I actually learned in the first place. Only 5-10% of what is on the test includes things that I use with anything that even resembles frequency as a working engineer. This is why engineering certification exams are stupid.
But, I want to continue growing as a professional (read: get money, get get money) so I will study, and practice, and bitch about everything I learned, forgot, forgot I knew, and now need to learn all over again. Today's topic, mathematics. So, here's some shit I forgot I knew.
L'Hopital's rule. Has nothing to do with hospitals. Last seen: freshman year, Calc 2. Cross product and dot product. Last seen: junior year, Dynamics. Conic sections. Motherfucker! I haven't seen these since high school. Integration by parts. Freshman year, Calc 2 again. I remember that these things existed, but completely forgot how to do it. Taylor Series. Freshman year, Calc 2 (and by the time we got here, I had mentally checked out on the course, which I did alot in freshman year). Trig identities. You know, I'm really starting to wish I'd paid attention in Calc 2... Complex numbers. Junior year, Signals and Circuits class. Laplace transforms. Junior year, Signals and Circuits. Differential equations. Okay, I used these alot in graduate school, but not once have I had to solve a goddamn differential equation at work. Is there such a job? Where you sit at a desk, and somebody pays you to solve differential equations? And how long do people typically work at this job before they kill themselves?
Why, it's Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal! How else to explain the fact that the governor decided to deliver yesterday's Republican response to Obama's speech in the tone and cadence of 30 Rock character Kenneth Purcell? Don't take my word for it though - check it out here.
Whatever your opinion of his politics, you have to love his taste in television!*
Never go full retard. Collectively 1/4 on Best Actress, 0/4 on Supporting Actress, 0/4 on Foreign Language Film, 2/8 on the Screenplay awards. Jesus Christ, only one of us figured out that the costume drama would win Best Costume!
Tier 2: The Non-Contenders
Daytrader: 35 points The Suze: 35 points Krista: 35 points Steph: 36 points Jim: 37 points Special props to Daytrader for being the only one of two players to nail the top 4 categories. Which brings us to...
Tier 3: The Mother-Loving Champ
Elisa: 47 points
This was a beat-down like I have never seen in an Oscar pool. This thing was over before we even got to the top categories. 4/4 on the top 4 awards, 7/8 on the top 8 awards (throwing in the supporting acting categories and the two screenplay awards). Elisa, you truly are the Mistress of Media.
----- Jim and I share some final thoughts on the ceremony, the winners, and the losers after the jump.
They call him Nannerpuss. Nannerpuss. And guess what? HE LOVES PANCAKES.
ALL GLORY TO NANNERPUSS. Jim gives his glory unto Nannerpuss:
Jesse gives his glory unto Nannerpuss:
The Nannerpuss demands that you give your glory unto him. Record yourself and send the file or a YouTube link to me.
(Additional contest reminder: The Oscars are this Sunday! If you haven't sent me your picks, you have two more days. For Jesse and Jim's picks, click here. And here. Also here. Here too. And here.)
As the Fox News helicopter films traffic on a highway west of downtown Houston with a large swath of grass to either side...
"Thanks Don for those images from SkyFox, looks like there's alot of green around those highways if they need to expand them..."
And with that, Erin Anthony, Fox 26 Houston morning traffic reporter, became part of the problem.
What's that you say, Don? There is still some green space left in Houston city-limits? Quick! Call the Mayor! Tell him to get his head out from in between Obama and MLK for a second! Somebody needs to put a highway on that shit! We can't defeat the terrorists until every square inch of America is paved over!
Maybe we should be concerned with more important things, Erin Anthony, like why you feel the need to give us your awful, uninformed opinions on transportation infrastructure. Or lwhy you insist on being a fat unattractive woman on my television in the morning. Why can't you be more like NBC local news anchor Dominique Sachse?
Oh my yes. If her face is pulled that tight, can you imagine the rest of her? And she doesn't have opinions on ANYTHING.
But not you, Erin Anthony. Nothing about you is tight, including your assessment of Houston's infrastructure needs. You are part of the problem, Erin Anthony. You. Are. Part. Of. The. Problem.
(Okay, I have to say one more thing about Dominique. In addition to being a stone-cold news fox, she takes part in what may be the best/worst thing I have ever seen in a local news broadcast. Watch the video below, and skip to the two minute mark. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: THE WHEEL OF JUSTICE. And yes, there is an actual wheel.)
I keep track of Google's top 10 searches on my homepage. Imagine my surprise when I saw my former hometown Albany's very own minor league hockey team, the River Rats, as the fourth-most searched for term in Google.
A bus carrying the Albany River Rats crashed on the Mass. Pike early this morning, leaving three people seriously injured. [...] The accident is under investigation, but State Police said slippery roads caused by overnight snow may have been a factor.
May have been a factor? The story was accompanied by this picture:
For not the first or last time this winter, I think to myself: thank God I don't live in Albany anymore.
It figures that, two days after celebrating my 1000th mile on the electric bike, I would be celebrating my third blown tire. The previous two blown tires were the fault of the sharp objects that had been allowed to lay in the bike lanes of Houston. This blown tire was my fault, a result of adding too much pressure. But it also presented me with an opportunity to consider how great an investment this bicycle actually was. No, seriously.
When evaluating an energy-saving project, there are two ways to go about it. The first is called "simple payback" - you calculate the amount of energy you'll save each year, and the cash value of that energy. Then, you divide the total cost of the project by this amount. The result is the number of years it will take for you to recoup your investment. This is the analysis I did two days ago in evaluating how long it will take to recoup my bicycle investment. I came up with a simple payback of 3 to 4 years.
A more complete analysis will include, among other things, the cost of operations and maintenance. In this case, the operations are free (unless I decide to get myself a driver) so I only need to consider the maintenance costs. Over the first 4 months of bike ownership, I have spent $100 on repairs, including today's expected $30 bill and the $30 I spent on a new bicycle pump.
Now for car maintenance savings: for 2008, the IRS reimbursement rate for business vehicles was 50.5 cents per mile. Over 1000 miles, that amounts to $505, including fuel and maintenance costs.
At that rate, I'll have the bike paid off in less than a year and a half. Hmm. Maybe I should have included O&M costs in my original analysis after all.
The spot: Kevin Garnett, Keri Walsh and Misty May, Usain Bolt, Derek Jeter, some gymnast, and some NASCAR driver are in a full-on Monty Python and the Holy Grail parody, complete with music, coconuts, and faux-Gilliam animation. They are knights questing for the Holy G, with Kevin Garnett as their king. On their quest, the encounter a series of challenges. Kareem Abdul-Jabar as a goat-wizard. Guards at a castle deny them access and disparage their heritage in humorously incongruous fashion. Jabbawockeez-monks engage them in a dance-off. They battle a fire-beathing poodle named Game 7. There is swearing.
Okay, this is funny. I'm enough of a nerd to get the references to Monty Python, but not so much of a nerd that I think this is "blasphemous" (got how I hate those nerds). I laughed at Kevin Garnett and his gold Kanye glasses. I laughed at Usain Bolt (who I totally scooped G on, by the way) and his pet, Ego. I laughed quite a bit at the dance-off.
But how to reconcile this with the previous series of ads that introduced Gatorade's new brand identity, G? Excuse me if I'm reaching, but does the use of Lil Wayne, the Jabbawockeez, and the letter G (as in, WHAT UP G) as it's new brand indicate to anybody that they might be trying to hit a more urban market with their product? Is that fair to say?
So how do you go from targetting an urban marketing to targetting British comedy nerds? In a completely insane 9-minute internet ad, no less? (Heavily edited versions of this ad can be seen on TV). I mean, could you be targeting two more disparate audiences than these in what appears to be the same ad campaign? Both campaigns feature many of the same athletes (Garnett, Jeter, May and Walsh, Bolt, Jabbawockeez), so it seems like there is supposed to be some sort of connection.
I like the ad, I really do. But nonetheless, we must all acknowledge: G now stands for "Gone completely insane."
["Since You Asked..." is published every Monday on Salon.com by Cary Tennis. For the original columns, click here and here.]
Dear Cary OC, I have been in a wonderful and loving relationship for the past four years and change, with its foreseeable share of ups and downs, small and large. Right now, it's in a relatively long-distance period -- my boyfriend and I are both students (he's in med school, I'm in grad school). We live three and a half hours away from each other, and see each other roughly two weekends per month during the school year. We both really enjoy our programs, our fellow students and each other. Due to the distance, our different programs, and the normal increase in comfort in the relationship that comes with being with someone for a long time, I maintain crushes on a few people, despite loving my boyfriend deeply. I assume the same holds for him, and I'm not too worried about that -- we take the relationship as it goes, it's worked well, and we're open to changes for better or worse. Here's the thing:
I talk in my sleep. Sometimes I have romantic and/or sexual dreams about different people I'm attracted to -- and I think that this is normal and OK -- and I'm worried about, uh, saying something out loud that I might fantasize about saying, knowing it wouldn't happen (certainly not now, anyway), and the possible reaction. Really, what do you say in that situation?
This is mostly a hypothetical question -- as far as I know, I haven't done it, and for all I know, he wouldn't have a problem with it. But I know that it's hard to be honest about things like that -- if I heard him talk in his sleep about something with another woman, I know I would feel hurt, even knowing that I might do it, and that I still love him too much to do anything outside of dream world. How do you explain the difference between dreaming -- what the mind does when you're asleep -- and conscious dreaming -- what I would love to do if there were no material/emotional/whatever constraints -- since saying, "I dreamed about sleeping with So-and-So" could easily be misinterpreted!
What do you think? I don't lose sleep over this, but I think about it often!
I'd be generous in saying that my car gets 25 mpg on my commute, but it sure makes the math easy. I've saved 40 gallons of gas (a little over 3 tanks). At an average cost of $2/gallon, I've saved nearly $80 in 4 months of biking.
To recoup the entire $2000 investment in the bike (since I'm excluding maintenance savings in the car, I'm also excluding maintenance costs for the bike), I'll need to go 10,000 miles at today's gas prices. So I'm on pace for a payback of between 3 and 4 years. Or gas could go back up to $4/gallon again. That'd be... nice?
At least according to The County Line barbecue restaurant. This reminds me of the time I suggested that my fraternity hold it's spring formal at a steakhouse and call it "Fill Your Girl With Meat." Good times. Good, classy times.
You know what really grinds my gears? The next 30 days. And not just these specific next 30 days, but these thirty days every year. Personally these days cause me to be a slave to Rose. As the people whose Facebook relationship status reads either "In A Relationship", "Married", or "It's Complicated" (especially those retards) know tomorrow is St. Valentine's Day. Ah Valentine's Day, a day created by the law firm of Hallmark, Zales, & Whitman celebrating love -- well if one defines love as a man trying to appease his significant other but always falling short in the end. No man enjoys Valentine's Day. Some men may enjoy Valentine's Night, but the odds of not fucking up once the entire day and thus nullifying sexy playtime are slim to none. I'm sure rest of you just wind up in the bathroom at 1 AM rubbing one out to your 2009 Golden Girls wall calender like me. (I perfer the month of September because that's when Grandparents' Day is. What about you?)
But Valentine's Day is only the start for me. A few weeks later is Rose's and my anniversary, March 4th (right?). That's another day for "the both of us". More flowers, more cards...all things that you throw out in less than a week a cost a fortune. And you can forget all about sexy playtime then. I mean who hasn't gotten into a fight on your anniversary? But the "fun" doesn't stop there. Only 9 days later and it's Rose's birthday. At least this is one doesn't pretend to be for the both of us. It's her day and I accept that, so I'll do the dishes, take out the garbage, vacuum the apartment, get my own beer, chew my own food...you know, everything that she would normally do for me. It's just a lot to have to deal with next 30 days.
But you know next 30 days, there is something else that you do that I can't stand. Could you have a worse selection of sports? I mean seriously. You know it's bad when on a Sunday afternoon ESPN is showing bowling and women's college basketball. Have you seen SportsCenter recently? For the past week the lead stories have been A-Rod, Michael Phelps, and Brett Farve. None of these sports are even in season right now! They don't even show any highlights until halfway through the show, and it's not like I'm dying to see all of the top plays from the Okalhoma City Thunder vs. the Charlotte Bobcats. How am I supposed to unwind? Oh I know, let's hear about A-Rod for the 10 millionth time. This is all the coverage that they need to do:
"Do you think that this will affect how people view Alex Rodriguiez now Mr. Mackey?" "Well, uh, see, drugs are bad, m'kay. You shouldn't take drugs." "And what do you say about Michael Phelps and the picture of him allegedly smoking marijuana from a water pipe?" "Well, again, drugs are bad, m'kay. You shouldn't take drugs." "And finally, do you think that Brett Farve will stay retired this time or do you see him trying to come back with another team? Your thoughts." "Well, see, Brett Farve is old, m'kay. You shouldn't play football when you're old."
Period. End of story. That's all the coverage necessary. These wouldn't even be stories during football season. Michael Phelps could have done lines of cocaine off Caylee Anthony's rotting corpse and people would have just said, "Fuck that, tell me how many fantasy points Larry Fitzgerald got me on Sunday." Oh, I just get so angry at sports this time of year!
So the next 30 days, you here and all I can do is bitch and moan on my friend's blog. I hope you're happy. You bastard...you fucking win...you always fucking win!
Hey, remember how I was getting all that wacky email about Clark and his potential trip to Panama? Well, I've been tagged again, not about Clark this time. Oh no. It's about a Mormon song contest.
> Hey! Brynn (my granddaughter) has entered one of her songs in a contest and needs your votes! /> All you need to do is go to http://music.mormontimes.com/contest.php?nocache=1 /> to register your email, and then vote (once a day). The contest ends on Saturday--Listen to her great voice. /> /> Please send this to your family and friends-- we need all the help we can get! /> /> Thanks! /> Rhea
Hey The song in question is "Filling in the Gaps" by Brynn Bowthorpe. Go vote, Rhea will appreciate it.
"What Alex did was wrong and he will have to live with the damage he has done to his name and reputation. [...] While Alex deserves credit for publicly confronting the issue, there is
no valid excuse for using such substances, and those who use them have
shamed the game. [...] It is important to remember that these recent revelations relate to pre-program activity. Under our current drug program, if you are caught using steroids and/or
amphetamines, you will be punished. Since 2005, every player who has
tested positive for steroids has been suspended for as much as 50 games."
Bud Selig became the acting commissioner of baseball in 1992, after a vote of no-confidence by the owners forced out former commissioner Fay Vincent. Under Selig's watch, Major League Baseball was unable to come to terms with the player's union during the 1994 season, resulting in a strike that subsequently wiped out that year's World Series.
The following season, attendance and TV ratings plummeted, and stayed low for years. At the same time, strange things were happening on the field. Balls starting flying out of the yard at a ridiculous pace. Here are some statistics:
18 times in a season has a player hit 55 or more home runs in a single season - 12 of them happened since the strike.
The top 12 - twelve - most prolific home run hitting teams of all time played since the 1994 strike.
41 times has a player hit 50 or more home runs in a season - 23 of those seasons were in the last 15 years.
Inexplicable statistical blips showed up on the home run tallies. Brady Anderson hit 50 in 1996, in between seasons of 16 and 18 - he hit 206 in his entire 15 year career. Greg Vaughn hit 355 home runs over a 15 year career, and 50 of them were in the 1998 season, a year after hitting 18. Oh, and then there is this:
Oh, and this.
When Alex Rodriguez says about his steroid use: "Back then it was a different culture," he isn't just making excuses. When you drive to work tomorrow, are you going to strictly obey the speed limit, or are you going to drive as fast as you want? Forget what the rules are, or what the sign says: if everybody is doing it, why can't you do it? If the authorities look the other way, or only one in every 200 people speeding get a ticket, then why not do it?
Alex Rodriguez did steroids because EVERYBODY did steroids. Shit, A-Rod showed restraint by waiting until 2001! And EVERYBODY did steroids because the other players, the coaches, the insufferably holier-than-thou and incredibly full of shit sportswriters, and the administrators of the game looked the other way. They had to look the other way to avoid looking at Barry Bond's enormous forehead. The steroids brought the home runs, and the home runs brought back the fans. So they all looked the other way, because the game needed steroids.
Bud Selig, you were the commissioner of baseball through all of this. You could have done something about it. Forget about the player's union standing in the way of testing - guys were doing steroids in the clubhouses! Don't tell me you couldn't do anything! You. Were. The. Commissioner. YOU COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING. But you looked the other way, because the homers brought people back to the game that you nearly destroyed by allowing the players to strike.
You are a disingenuous asshole. The only one who should be ashamed is you.
(After last week's episode of The Office, that is now how I greet everybody on their birthdays.)
That's right, it was one year ago today that I started writing this website. I've decided to mark the occasion as all aging, sagging franchises do - with a clip show! That's right, I've gone through the Obscure Archives to find my 5 favorite pieces from the past year. They are, in no particular order:
Her Super Sweet 16 My first big hit was a chat I had with a soon-to-be-sixteen your old girl, who posted on Craigslist that she was looking for some paparazzi-style photographers to cover her party. Interesting side note: in a later (still unpublished) email, I was threatened with legal action! Good times.
City: The Henpecker's Credit Card of Choice One of my favorite running features is advertising criticism. This one gets the nod because (A) I really, really hate that ad, and (B) I got to use the word "menstruating".
Somebody Else's Business: Dear Prudence (08-28-2008) I always thought it would be fun to write an advice column. The barrier to entry is that you need people to send you questions and shit. At least, I thought you did, until I realized I could just take other people's columns, rip out their stupid answers, and stick in my own! Hence, Somebody Else's Business was born. This column from last summer is my favorite.
Grinds My Gears: The Neverending Story One of the most exciting developments in the site over the past year has been the wonderful contributions of the Suze (who also happens to be my wife), Jim, Kevin, Kevin's little sister Jessica, and Daytrader, the author of the column above. It was tough to pick just one, because I appreciate everybody's contributions, but "When I'm watching the Golden Girls and the commercials come on and I finally lose my wood from all of the 60 year old sex talk" is probably the best sentence that anyone has written for this blog to date.
Answer the Suze, issue 1 Not only is this the first article I wrote for the website, I still think it is the best column from my best ongoing feature, Answer the Suze.
Well, that's it for today's self-congratulatory wank-fest. I'll get back to writing real articles again soon. Before I do that, though, I want to thank everybody for their encouragement and participation in this hobby of mine - it has been too much fun.
On the eve of the anniversary of the founding of this august institution we call ObscureCraft dot Net, I took some time to reflect on how we here at OC headquarters have shaped the world and public opinion over the past 12 months. The answer is zero shaping. But I did find a couple of links back to this site! Here are the sites recently vying for the coveted label of "Friend" from OCdN:
The spot: A young man steps out of his front door, a red Dell laptop tucked under his arm. As he makes his way down the street, he is met with continually escalating shows of affection: two children smile and point from a balcony. A crossing guard pats him affectionately on the rear. A busload of passengers lean and gawk. He gets thumbs up from two men on matching red scooters. He is patted on the shoulders by passersby. Cars honk their horns and flash their lights as he crosses the street. A crowd rushes him, and a beautiful woman kisses him on the mouth. He finally reaches his destination at a coffeehouse. He flips open is laptop. We see the product(RED) logo as its background. He gives a self-satisfied smirk. Cut to bold text on a red background: BUY DELL. GO (RED). SAVE LIVES.
(Disclaimer: I understand that I will break no new ground on this blog by stating that we live in an especially self-centered age. I will also acknowledge the subtle hypocrisy of making this statement on a blog, which is the ultimate symbol of the self-absorption that has defined the last 10 years.)
What is it that bothers me so much about this ad? Is it the gratingly hip soundtrack? The attempt to make a PC appear cool? The fact that the protagonist seems like a total douche? Yes, yes, and yes. But its also more than that. I saw this ad maybe a half-dozen times before I figured it out: why doesn't the douche have a laptop bag?
Who carries a laptop around without a bag? Aren't you afraid it might get stolen, or you might drop it, douche? Don't you need a power cord?
No, of course you don't. Because if you put your laptop in a bag, then we all wouldn't be able to see that you have a (RED) laptop, which means that you spent extra money to give to a charity, so we couldn't see what a GREAT PERSON you are with your (RED) laptop.
And isn't that the point of this whole product(RED) charity? I mean, what's the point of giving to charity unless you can show it off with some ostentatiously colored techno-gadgets. (RED) laptops! (RED) cell phones! (RED) iPods!
Because why should charity be about, like, the charity, and all the people it might help, amirite? Charity is really about you, and what a great person you are.
This fact did not escape the advertisers, by the way. Pay close attention to the young man smirking as he opens his laptop and sees the product(RED) logo. He smirks thinking about what a great, awesome guy he is. He is so pleased with himself. In the Age of Narcissism, there is no better angle for a product to have.
Fact: There was more sea ice, measured in total area, in December 2008 than December 1979. Aha! Sea ice has actually increased from December 2008 to December 1979. Therefore, that means that global warming science is wrong, and it was bullshit all along.
That is the argument made in this Daily Tech article, titled Sea Ice Ends Year At Same Level As 1979.
But you, dear reader, having a healthy skepticism, suspect there might be some monkey business in these numbers. And you, dear reader, would be right.
What monkey business exactly? This monkey business. I'm not going to even try to summarize that article, because it lays out the embarrassing facts more succinctly than I could ever hope to summarize. Instead, I will say: this is why you should be paying attention in math and science class, boys and girls. Otherwise, you grow up to be a fool.
While everyone was busy being shocked -SHOCKED! - that Alex Rodriguez used steroids at the height of the Steroids Era in baseball during his tenure on a team that apparently used the same trainer as Ivan Drago in Rocky 5, you may have missed an even more surprising nugget. A-Rod's name was one on a list of 104 players who tested positive for steroids in the not-so-confidential test in 2003. 104 players. One hundred and four. Think about that for a second.
And guess what? It is just a matter of time before that list becomes public. So, rather than spending your nights weeping over the lost innocence of your childhood game, let's try to have some fun here, okay? OKAY? I DON'T HAVE ANYMORE TEARS, BASEBALL.
Let's have a Steroids Pool. Here are the rules (if you've ever participated in a Death Pool, these rules will sound familiar to you).
Submit a list of up to 15 names (send them to me here with the subject line "Steroid Pool").
Once the list is made public, if you correctly identify a player on the list, you get one point.
If nobody else picked that name, then you get three points.
So there will be obvious choices (Bonds, Giambi, uh, A-Rod), but also some incentive to pick a less obvious name.
There is no deadline for this contest, because there is no official deadline for the list to be released. Winners will be announced when the list becomes public. But don't delay - I think that might be sooner rather than later.
I saw this graph this morning and might have pooped myself a little bit.
Somebody look at this, and then tell me that some kind of government intervention in the market is not necessary. Tell me its going to correct itself. Because that looks like the economy jumped out of an airplane without a parachute.
Have you seen a James Cameron movie recently? Think about it. Or just check him out on IMDB. Titanic swept through the Oscars, including a Best Director statue for Cameron, over 10 years ago. Since then, his filmography looks like this: three deep-sea documentaries, including two that were filmed in 3D, and Avatar, his forthcoming 3D film release. In the intervening years, he has spent his time developing and promoting the technology to produce films in 3D. He has declared that 3D is the future of movie making. Because he had stopped making movies and seemed like he had turned into a crazy hermit, I just assumed these were crazy I'm King of The World hermit ramblings. But after seeing Coraline in 3D this weekend, I'm inclined to believe him.
You just called bullshit, right? 3D technology has been around since the 1950s, with the red-and-blue glasses, you say. This fad seems to come up every 30 years, you say. The 1980s saw a resurgence, and now here we are again, talking about 3D. Its just a stupid gimmick that doesn't ad anything to the viewing experience other than Jaws leaping out of the screen... IN THREE-D!
Go see Coraline in 3D and tell me its still just a gimmick. Go ahead, I'll wait. In the meantime, let's talk about what has changed since the days of the red-and-blue glasses that gives 3D a chance to be the future of the movies.
Because if there was, I would bet my life savings on "A-Roid".
The Alex Rodriguez steroid story is a Rorschach test. If you don't like him, then you see this as confirmation of everything you already thought. If you are an A-Rod apologist, then you'll find a way to apologize for this to. But the surprise and shock - SHOCK - that a prolific home run hitter from the last 15 years tested positive for steroids at some point in his career is bordering on ridiculous.
Go no further than ESPN. Like a Southern belle suffering from a case of the vapors, Buster Olney declares that Rodriguez, who was supposed to rescue baseball's record books the steroid inflated numbers of Bonds, McGwire, and Sosa, is now hopelessly tainted and will be locked out of the Hall of Fame with the rest of them.
Rodriguez signed with the Rangers in 2001 to the richest contract in baseball history. Texas has previously been home to such confirmed or suspected steroids users as Rafael Palmeiro, Jose Canseco, Sammy Sosa, and Ivan Rodriguez. The Rangers were, and perhaps still are, the biggest hotbed for steroids outside of the Bay Area. Surrounded by dopers, under incredible pressure from the contract he signed, and saddled with the desire to please everyone that makes him so incredibly annoying, he experimented with steroids. To what extent, nobody knows but Rodriguez.
Since testing has been instituted in 2004, A-Rod has been tested for steroids along with everybody else and has passed every test. Prior to that season, it isn't just A-Rod that is tainted by steroids. It is every player who hit more than 30 home runs in a season. I find it difficult to pass judgment on A-Rod because we collectively turned a blind eye to the problem of steroids in baseball throughout the previous decade. Steroids were no risk, all reward. We cheered every home run without accountability. How can we be surprised that anyone used them back then? And how can we behave as if we are shocked - SHOCKED - when we find out the truth now?
Last week I gave Houston mayor Bill White the business for his embarrassingly pandering ad in the Defender, a local African-American newspaper. But now I have to apologize after I saw this ad that my mom ran for her mortgage business.
If you've got a passion for fashion, it could be killing your feet.
Look around: nearly every girl or woman you see is wearing them -- Uggs -- those popular suede boots.
Dr. Ed Chairman a podiatrist in Center City admits they look great,
but have no support for the foot and ankle and he's seeing a number of
patients in pain:
"What I've been doing is making them a sport orthotic, the type of
orthotic you use for running even tennis. Making it fit the Uggs. If it
fits the sneaker, it will fit the Uggs.
He says if you're an Ugg lover and are in pain, don't ignore the
trouble. He says a problem that can be solved with an orthotic today
could require surgery next year.
I am not an Ugg lover, but looking at teenage Jersey girls wearing these boots has been causing me pain for years. WHERE IS THE ORTHOTIC FOR THAT, DR. CHAIRMAN?
Dr. Chairman is looking at this the wrong way. Instead of treating Jersey girls after they have worn Uggs for years, he should find a cure for whatever disease it is that causes them to want to wear them in the first place.
For much the same reason Plaxico Burress should face charges, Michael Phelps should be given the maximum sentence possible. Maybe that would show middle america just how ridiculous those sentencing laws are. Of course it's more likely he'll get the rich and white treatment, and the same people who get up in arms whenever a minority athlete gets caught doing anything will be the first to defend him.
For more information, including case studies, examples, and statistics see this fabulous post from Sports On My Mind In fact this post was going to be a lot longer but he says everything I would except far more eloquently and with better citations.
Houston Metro is due to receive as much as $180 million
over the next 12 months from a huge economic stimulus bill to help
jump-start construction of two light rail lines, a House committee
chairman said Wednesday.
The long-delayed rail lines on the city's north and
southeast sides are a "very high-rated project," said Rep. James
Oberstar, D-Minn., who heads the House Transportation and
Infrastructure Committee. The project, he said, is ready to go and has
cleared all but one step of a federal review.
Kit Bond (R-Missouri), who has previously discouraged Congressional
attempts to address climate change on the grounds that doing so would be
bad for business, will propose an amendment that would redirect the
$5.5 billion of competitive grants (which are currently available to
both highways and transit, at the discretion of Ray LaHood) so that
those funds would apply only to highways and bridges; Barbara Boxer
plans to endorse this amendment. Kit Bond may also propose another
amendment that would redirect $2 billion high-speed rail allocation to
-- you guessed it -- highways.
By redirecting the $5.5 billion to the highway program, it becomes
nearly impossible to secure funding for new transit projects (New
Starts program) or modernizing old rail systems.
Didn't Democrats win this election? Why are Republicans being allowed to dictate the terms of infrastructure development in this stimulus? And this has nothing to do with any conservative fiscal opposition to stimulus - he isn't proposing the funds be stripped. He's just redirecting it from mass transit and rail to highways.
Bipartisanship does not mean letting the minority party walk all over your face. It means that you allow them to participate in the process. The voters have rejected Republicans, their ideas, and their philosophy, but Democrats are still so fucking whipped that they are letting them run roughshod over legislation.
Hello? Obama? I was believing in change here? If this amendment passes, I won't have to go to the bathroom anymore, because I will permanently lose my shit.
Today in our English class, an assignment, given a week ago, was due.
The project? Make a puppet show involving an original adventure for Tom
Sawyer, a novel we recently completed. The puppets, ranging from sock
to stick, elaborate to decrepit, were perhaps the most interesting cast
Tom Sawyer has ever seen. Some had been hastily made the night before
and glued to still-sticky Popsicle sticks. Others were well-washed and
well-drawn, and a few even had real doll hair.
When the time to perform arrived, Ms. H set up a large box for hiding
behind and called the first pair to present their show. On went the
displays, some silly, some serious, and others outright ridiculous
(Huck and Tom go off together, kidnap Becky Thatcher, and feed her to a
polar bear, anyone?).
Most notable was a stick puppet presentation involving a trip to
Jackson's island, a falling tree, poorly done dialogue, and an
incredibly high voice. Now, some background information is needed to
grasp the enormity of the performance; D. O., the speaker and
puppeteer, has perhaps the highest, strangest, and most annoying voice
ever in the history of womankind. Naturally, she elected to raise her
voice higher for the sake of the puppets, as well as throwing in
screaming, giggling, crying, bird-imitating, and sword fighting.
Setting the record for craziest puppet show in the history of middle
school, D. O. proudly had C. E., a rather obnoxious boy, videotape the
entire performance and donate it to the theater group. I suspect that
the theater class will be enjoying themselves over the next few days,
particularly the ones who have yet to read Tom Sawyer.
Now, a single puppet show assignment would be poor justification for citing a rise in puppeteering. No, there is more; today, a history teacher
assigned another puppet show, this time demonstrating the use of
inventions made in the U. S. from 1780-1850. Each pair is assigned a
single invention to demonstrate in front of the entire 8th grade. In addition, the theater group is considering a puppet PANTOMIME (how they intend to do that, I have no idea).
So, right along with course-selection cards and boring textbook
worksheets, middle schoolers are also required to show ability in
puppeted performance. The unfairness rings true to everyone, at least,
everyone who is absolutely idiotic, failing to realize that these shows
waste valueless learning time for all. So live on, puppet shows, and
continue to brighten our days.
The spot: An attractive woman waits in a restaurant. Her date arrives, but before she can say a word, he places his hands against her lips - he is on the phone. A montage of bad date cliches follows: he blows his nose, picks his teeth, checks out other women, sends texts from his phone, and gestures that eating dessert will make his date fat. Over this sequence, the narrator says, "Have you ever found yourself on a really bad blind date? Now imagine that date lasting the rest of your life?" The woman stares at her date/husband as he gets up from the table and says, "I have to go. Happy anniversary, honey." The logo comes up on the screen for AshleyMadison.com. "Isn't it time for AshleyMadison.com?" the narrator asks, and the screen displays the slogan: When Divorce Isn't An Option. Cut back to the woman, who is now eying another young man at the restaurant, and smiling seductively at him.
Originally schedule to air during the Super Bowl, the NFL and NBC both rejected this ad for predictable reasons. However, it was still aired in certain markets by the local affiliates, and Houston was one of those. When it was rejected nationally, AshleyMadison.com decided to focus marketing efforts in those areas where they had seen the best growth, and it turns out that the top three cities were all in Texas: Houston, San Antonio, and Dallas. This set of facts tells us two interesting things:
As a result of the poor economy, we've started to see prime time ad space opening up to commercials that would normally only air during daytime television. With AshleyMadison.com and Cash4Gold.com, some of that was even able to leak into the premiere advertising event in the world.
Texas is, apparently, the biggest market for an infidelity website. A theory: the high level of church participation in the South hits the moral depravity of the big cities, causing a sort of infidelity storm front. People want to appear to be committed to their families (so no divorcing) but are also lured to the dark side by the anything goes big-city atmosphere. As a result, its raining affairs!
Now, about the ad itself. A very fine line needed to be walked here: in order for the ad to be successful, the prospective client needed to be able to sympathize with the woman's situation. If the man was actually abusive, then the viewer would be turned off (just leave him!) If he wasn't a big enough jerk, the viewer would sympathize with him (he's not such a bad guy!) But to really sell it, they needed some extra justification.
He leaves at the end. Where is he going? Perhaps... to have an affair? And did you see the restaurant they were at, and how nicely everyone was dressed? Clearly the guy has some money.
So we've constructed a scenario where a great many women would be able to sympathize: the man is a jerk, and he's probably cheating on her... but he's got money, so instead of divorcing him, just sit on the busboy's face. The ad bangs this home at the end: When Divorce Isn't An Option.
Whatever you think of the morality of the company, give the ad props for knowing who their target audience is.
Before we begin, I'd like to welcome you back home after your time
behind enemy lines at We Know Porno. Now, it is time to have a chat
with somebody who REALLY knows advertising: me.
There are lots
of reasons why somebody might watch the Super Bowl. Perhaps you enjoy
the athleticism, the brutality, the competition, the participation in a
culture-wide event, or maybe your husband forces you to. In any case,
I think its safe to assume that watching the Super Bowl is a respite
from the worries of every day life. At least, it is supposed to be.
Somebody forgot to tell the advertisers that.
Here is my rundown of ads which, to varying degrees, tapped into
the realities our particular economic climate (I believe the economic
thermostat right now is set to "scared shitless"):
A company
calls a meeting to discuss ways in which they might cut costs. When an
intrepid employee suggests that they might save some green by not
purchasing Bud Light for every meeting, he is promptly thrown out of a
window.
News of the bad economy has even reached our babies! They think we
should continue investing. This is why I don't take investment advice
from babies (unless, of course, they are Jewish).
In a move that is indicative of the economic scene just by being
played during the Super Bowl instead of the Maury show, Cash4Gold.com
implores us to sell our gold jewelry, microphones, parachute pants, and
toilets in exchange for cold hard cash.
Have you been dying to buy that new Hyundai, but you're afraid that you
might lose your job and not be able to make the payments? Well, Hyundai
has got you covered: if you lose your income in the next year, just
bring it back. Or keep it and live in it, whichev!
Apparently times are also bad in outer space - don't leave your moon
rover unlocked!
Overstock.com
hires Carlos Boozer to show us how to go online and buy gaudy gold
jewelry for low low prices, which we can then turn around and sell on
Cash4Gold.com. This is the most confusing ad of the night: why is
Carlos Boozer showing children how to buy jewelry online? Where are
there parents? Why does he leave his Olympic gold medal lying around?
What is going on here??
There were a couple of ads that caught my eye that did not relate to the economy:
The mysterious meaning of G is finally revealed! (Or did you plan on blogging about this... somewhere else?!)
And, finally, this macho truck ad insists on repeated use of the
word "tranny". In an unrelated story, some words have two meanings.
So what of it, the Suze? Notice any trends? Or did any specific ads
do it for you (other than the Jason Statham one, obviously - he can
Transport me anytime, if you know what I mean*).
*I mean I'll have gay sex with him.
The Suze's take
This Super Bowl certainly brought us super bad commercial. And no,
I don't mean bad in a good way. I was less than unimpressed by 95% of
them. So I guess I'll be talking about the best of the worst here.
First
on the list was what I assumed to be a domestic violence commercial.
Can you guess which one I'm talking about? "Oh no. Look at the mug on
you. Diane you're a train wreck. That's why he only sent you a box of
flowers. Go home to your romance novel and your fat smelly cat...."
That's right gents and skirts, it was an ad for Teleflora.
Who the fuck cares if you get flowers from a box or in a vase? Really!?
I thought the the flower was going to take a god damn bat out and start
beating the poor woman to death, then apologize and tell her
"You make me do these things to you..." And as hilarious as we all think
domestic violence advertising is, this commerical just didn't make the
grade.
Second worst commercial of the night was Pepsi's MacGruber ad.
Guess what Pepsi? Not only does your new logo suck donkey balls, your inability to effectively market yourself makes you Coke's dirty
whore. (And I can only hope that Coke jizzes it's sweet carbonated
nectar all over your ugly face!) But seriously--use of a non-funny SNL
skit as the basis of your non-funny commerical and topping it off with the
aging Richard Dean Anderson equals BOMB!
Last on the list, I didn't LMAO with this NBC commercial.
Mainly because they listed 30 Rock as being funny. And, as we all
know... Well, I don't have to say it. Secondly, the intestinal and
bowel related problems associated with laughing one's ass off is pretty
disturbing to even think about. As least when they were done
reattaching the ass, they could wipe it with the
millions of dollars they used to buy that slot.
On that note, advertisers of the the Super Bowl, you get a wag of my finger.
That's the amount of infrastructure stimulus the state of Texas plans to spend on building highways and bridges. That leaves 22.82% for everything else - rail and bus infrastructure, as well as some road projects that are not specifically highways.
Sigh.
(Think your state is any better? Find out for sure with the full list here, via Pedestrianist.)
My wife and I were in your store on Saturday night. Your store is going out of business, so we decided to see if there were any deals - specifically, we wanted another guitar for Guitar Hero World Tour. The store had it, but we didn't know how much of a discount we would get, so we took it to you, at the counter.
The sticker price was $65. You told us that we could get it for $35. My wife and I excitedly high-fived at our good fortune.
I immediately regretted this act of spontaneous shopping excitement. We are saving $30 on our plastic guitar because your store is going out of business, and you are losing your job. The look on your face made it clear that you thought we were horrible, insensitive people, and you hoped we would get in a terrible car wreck before we ever got to use our new purchase.
So, uh, sorry about that. Not about the purchase, or the saving money, or even you losing your job. But sorry for rubbing your nose in it.
