January 2009 Archives

From: We Know Promo
To: ObscureCraft.net

On behalf of the company that runs We Know Promo and employs the Suze, I thank you for pointing out two of Suzi's blog posts I missed.  In the new age of Obama, I encourage you to talk with your enemies. Write them letters. Send them poems.

As for We Know Promo getting scooped, I'm not sure that's accurate.  After reviewing both posts, I have to say that the Suze did a more thoughtful job with her post.

*       (Response to joem) Even though Suzi's post on WKP aren't laced with profanity, we enjoy her colorful language around the office.
 
*       (Response to Jim) As a marketing company, of course we thought of "We Know Porno" which made "We Know Promo" hard to resist.  On the porno side, it's a little outside of our core competency but we tip our hat to free porn sites like www.tube8.com who do an outstanding job. errrr. or so I've heard.  Unofficially, we consider ourselves "Promosexuals" because our marketing and promotional ideas are always sexy and hard to resist.  I also agree with Jim that you should step away from the animated gif.

*       (Response to Suzi) Even though Jesse bogarted your pictogram, I submit my pictogram below as a better alternative.  Go ahead and leave it up to your readers to vote on.  Also, if you're interested in porn blogging, ummm. I've HEARD that www.tube8.com has a great rating and blogging tool below each post.

Have a good weekend, new enemy. While you're scooping blogs across the internet, why don't you take a minute to consider - WWBBD - what would Brian Boitano do?

Colin



[ed. note: as an aside, I'm sure we will all be glad to hear that the Suze found www.weknowporno.com to be unoccupied, and she has purchased the domain name. Feel free to insert an economic stimulus joke here.]

Hey, have you ever wondered why the Suze doesn't blog here more often? Do you miss her sass and misunderstanding of football and penis drawings? Well, don't blame me.  Blame We Know Promo.

That's right, the Suze has been blogging elsewhere.  Now they are my enemies. It doesn't matter that We Know Promo happens to be run by the company the Suze works for and she actually gets paid for that blogging, or if its employees represent 80% of the people that I know in Houston, or 20% of the people who read this website.  None of that matters, because we are enemies now.

If you clicked over to that website you may have noticed something interesting.  The Suze was blogging about the mysterious, cryptic ad for "G".  Didn't I already blog about the mysterious, cryptic ad for "G"? In fact, didn't my post even include a little pictogram too? That's right, We Know Promo. You got scooped. SCOOPED. You should change your blog name from We Know Promo to WE GOT SCOOPED.  You got scooped like a Baskin Robbins next door to a Lane Bryant.

That's how I roll with my enemies.  Watch me scoop Akiyo's blog, 365 of East Bay: AKIYO HAD A MEETING TODAY. Scooped. That is how I roll.

Houston Mayor Bill White is so white, his name is actually White.  So does somebody want to tell me who thought it would be a good idea to make him the cream in an Obama/MLK Oreo?

Sorry about the horrible image quality but it was the best one I could find.  I couldn't use the one from the newspaper in the office because I spit my coffee out all over it when I saw this.   In case you can't read it, the caption above the world's most awkward Mt. Rushmore is "The Dream, The Hope, The Change." 

It gets better.  This ad was run in a local African-American newspaper, The Defender. The ad was also designed by staff at The Defender.  The intent of the ad is to promote Mayor White and his run for the US Senate.

From what I have learned in my short time in Houston, Mayor White is actually a good guy. He's also a Democrat running for a Senate seat in Texas, so I understand he's going to need the African American community to come out and vote for him.  But seriously, guy: you might as well have done this ad in blackface.

(The website that hosts this recipe has apparently been attacked by an internet full of bacon hungry nerds, so if this link doesn't work then try this one. Or, just do a Google search for "bacon explosion" and click on the cached page.)

They call it bacon explosion because:

When you even try to contemplate eating fried bacon wrapped in Italian sausage wrapped in a woven blanket of thick bacon slices, your head explodes.

When you actually do eat it, you get about three bites in before your aorta explodes.

When you try to make it in your little kitchen stove instead of a outdoor smoker, your kitchen explodes.

When you step onto your Wii Fit after eating 3 pounds of bacon, it explodes.

When your wife comes home from her trip to Dallas to find that you have filled the entire house with bacon, your marriage explodes.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR LEAVING ME IN THE HOUSE BY MYSELF SUZI. YOU GET BACON.

(Thanks, I think, to OC tipper Jim.)

[Jesse and Jim are interrupting their conversation on the mid-season TV shows to talk about the 2009 Oscar nominations.  Now that we are done with our picks, go ahead and send in your own.  The scoring rules are located at the end of this entry.  Here is part one, part two, part three, and part four.]

Best Original Score
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Defiance, Milk, Slumdog Millionaire, WALL-E

Jim's take

As you so astutely (and correctly) observed, Slumdog Millionaire is pretty close to being a musical. So it wins this one.

Jesse's take

Slumdog wins. Of course, I'm predicting that Slumdog will carry the night - if TCCOBB has more support than I thought, maybe it swoops in. Also, Slumdog was a musical, but WALL-E was a dialogue-free-but-not-silent-film, so maybe that score as some support... or maybe I just want to throw everyone off my trail so I win the pool...

Best Original Song
Down to Earth (WALL-E), Jai Ho (Slumdog Millionaire), O Saya (Slumdog Millionaire)

Jim's take

There was some technicality that kept Springsteen from getting nominated here, no? Because "The Wrestler" only played over the end credits of the film? The same kind of stupid technicality that kept Eddie Vedder from getting a nomination for the Into the Wild score?

Regardless, Peter Gabriel is no Phil Collins.... Jai Ho is my choice for this one.

Jesse's take

Nice, I love Genesis humor.

Springsteen was not eliminated due to a technicality. The song just didn't get a high enough score in the Oscar's convoluted song-nominating process.

Here is the reason I think you are wrong: Slumdog is going to split the difference in the Oscar voting. Am I supposed to listen to a song from Slumdog Millionaire and then remember if I just heard Jai Ho or O Saya? Or will I vote for "The Slumdog Song", resulting in a 50/50 split between the two that leaves the door open for WALL-E?

Best Director
Danny Boyle, Stephen Daldry, David Fincher, Ron Howard, Gus Van Sant

Jim's take

It's a travesty that Darren Aronofsky's name is omitted from this list. Travesty. His direction of The Wrestler perfectly complements Rourke's performance. The faded 16mm film stock, handheld camera work, and constant use of a wide-angle lens draw the viewer into the world of the film. There is a moment, late in the film, that is simply perfect. I have no other way to describe it. I'll simply say that it involves Guns 'n Roses, and that if the film speaks to you, it will be the image that you take away.

But, seeing as he's not nominated, Aronofsky isn't going to win this one. Apparently he only gets love from the Academy when he's making dull, depressing films about how heroin is bad for you...

My personal preference for this award, from those eligible, is Gus Van Sant. Milk was my second-favorite movie of 2008, and his direction was a big part of that. Van Sant hit my cinematography buttons, with a cinema verite approach to camerawork and a liberal use of high-speed/grain film stock

However, my preference is not in line with the voters. I'm thinking this is Danny Boyle's year.

Jesse's take

You are upset about the snub of the Wrestler. I am surprised by the snub of The Dark Knight. And here's why:

I think you and I long ago got over the pretension that this or any awards show will find "The Best Picture".  Defining the Best is subjective and personal and blah blah blah. Even last year, when a pretty great film, No Country For Old Men, won, I don't think there is any consensus that it was the Best Picture of last year.

Instead, I think of the Oscars as a culture-wide Movie Night Movie Project. And in order for that process to have any kind of legitimacy, people need to actually care. Who the fuck cares about a single film in this milquetoast field? Now here's an Academy Awards best picture roster that people would actually care about:

Milk, Slumdog Millionaire, The Dark Knight, The Wrestler, WALL-E

You know why? Because that list includes movies that are great and that people HAVE ACTUALLY SEEN.

Yes, we are talking about Best Director, but in this year (and most years) the correlation of Director to Picture nominees is one to one.

Now I'm done bitching about what a boring show this is going to be, and I'll make a pick already: Danny Boyle wins director.

Best Picture
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader, Slumdog Millionaire

Jim's take

Did I mention that The Wrestler should be nominated, and should win this award yet? Ad naseum, eh? Ok, let's move on.

You mentioned that you were surprised to see The Reader here. I am too, although I did enjoy the film very much. I certainly liked it better than Button. It was a nice little movie, a compelling story that was competently told, with great acting.... but best picture? Not in my eyes.

Having still not seen Frost/Nixon, this leaves us with Indian game shows and gay Sean Penn. My personal preference here is Milk. It's a good Van Sant film -- more in the vein of "My Own Private Idaho" rather than "Finding Forrester."

At the end of the day, though, Milk doesn't win this. I'm getting this odd sense of Slumdog momentum, after the Globes and the SAG awards... I'm going to fill that out on my pool, just so I can be disgusted and bitter when Benjamin Button wins. (My pick: Slumdog Millionaire)

Jesse's take

Jim, how DARE you badmouth Finding Forrester. How dare you. YOU'RE THE MAN NOW DAWWG!

You and I both agree that Slumdog is the night's big winner. Slumdog momentum. Slumdogmentum? Whatever.

Final Thoughts

Jim's take

Your dream Best Picture short-list is perfect. If those were the five nominees for the big prize, I'd be on the edge of my seat. As it stands, I can't remember the last time the five best movies of the year made up the field of nominees. Johnny Wikipedia tells me that it's 1975 (Cuckoo's Nest, Barry Lyndon, Dog Day Afternoon, Jaws, and Nashville).

Trivia: One of the five directors of the aforementioned films did not get a Director nomination that year: Steven Spielberg. He was bumped in favor of Federico Fellini, for Amarcord. Now, *that* is a freaking field. Milos Forman, Stanley Kubrick, Sidney Lumet, Robert Altman, and Federico Fellini. Will we ever see that again?

I also wanted to congratulate both of us for writing ten emails about the Oscars with "Milk" being nominated all over the place, without making one "I.... DRINK.... YOUR.... MILKSHAKE" joke. Seriously, that's self-control.

Jesse's take

Maybe we are over-reacting, because this is a pretty terrible year for movies. Look at last year's list of nominees. Isn't that a pretty good list? A couple of blockbusters, an indie underdog, and at least two really fantastic movies. That's all I want. Everybody has something to root for. This year the only thing I have to root for is a nomination recount.

Well, Jim, its been fun. If anybody is still reading this, they should send me their Oscar picks and see if they can beat either of us, or last year's winner, Yaworm. And speaking of last year's winner: can you believe I've been doing this stupid website for almost a year already? But more on that another time.

Here are the rules:

Top prize (Best Picture): 5 points
Major categories (Best Director, Actor, Actress, Original Screenplay, Adapted Screenplay): 4 points
Intermediate categories (Supporting Actor, Supporting Actress, Foreign Film, Animated Feature, Documentary Feature): 3 points
Minor categories: (Cinematography, Score, Original Song, Film Editing): 2 points
Random bullshit categories: (Everything else) 1 point

Most points = winner. In the event of a tie, I will pick a winner based on whatever random criteria I make up on the spot. Good luck, and I'LL SEE YOU AT THE OSCARS!!!!!

While we're on the topic of abusive relationships with game consoles, I've been profoundly disappointed with the Xbox 360's crappiness at streaming video.  The original Xbox, after you got it modded, was the greatest media center known to man, so going from that to no streaming anything ever sucked ass.  Oh all the technology was there, but you could only stream .WMV files.  Raise your hand if you've ever willingly downloaded a WMV file.  Ok, you're a Microsoft employee, stop reading this blog and go play with your Zune.  And fix user control caching in AJAX UpdatePanels too!

But those of us who aren't owned body, heart, and soul by Bill Gates download divx/xvid Avi files.  And to get them into a 360 readable format required a several hour long conversion process, and the result looked like you were trying to watch over the air TV with a broken antenna.  Then TVersity came out, which basically converted your stuff to WMV on the fly.  It worked, but it raped your computer's CPU and looked even worse than manual conversions.  And you couldn't fast forward or skip around at all.

Then they announced that the 360 dashboard was getting an update to play divx files!  Except you needed a Windows Media Extender, and you had to do it through Media Player on your computer, which was a huge pain in the ass.  It took me over 4 hours to do it, and I actually knew more or less what I was doing.  It worked ok but Vista's firewall would keep blocking it so you had to do a lengthy process every time you wanted to use it.

Then last Thanksgiving came around.  Another dashboard update, but this time it would let Netflix subscribers use the Instant Streaming feature directly to your 360.  And sweet zombie jesus, it works!  And it works perfectly.  It's trivially simple to use, has a slick enough UI, and the video quality is great  If your internet connection is fast and stable it's roughly DVD quality with minimal buffering times.  It not only lets you skip around easily, but remembers how much you've watched.  So if you load up a TV show, it'll show a list of titled episodes with synopses and show which ones you've watched and which you haven't.

The selection is pretty good, and getting better every day.  I think there's also a similar deal with Sony so you can probably do it on your PS3 too.  I'm a horrible netflix user, I've had Krzysztof Kieślowski's Colours trilogy out for almost 9 months while still paying fees.  But this retroactively makes all that money I've blown worthwhile.

And what's the first thing you should watch?

Seasons 1+2 of 30 Rock, naturally, available in HD!

I've been with the Wii Fit for a little over a week now, and I realize now that we have an unhealthy relationship.

That became clear today when a co-worker brought in a bag of Candy Cane Creme Oreos, aka The Oreos That Taste Exactly Like Girl Scout Thin Mints.  I went into the kitchen, saw the bag, and went to grab some.  But then: I was frozen in my tracks by the echo of a little electronic voice in my head...

THAT'S OVERWEIGHT.

The Wii makes me take a body test every day.  I don't want to do it everyday. It seems unhealthy.  But it yells at me when I don't, and I just want to make the Wii happy.  So I take a body test, everyday.  And everyday, the body test ends with the same result:

THAT'S OVERWEIGHT.

Of course you think I'm overweight, Wii! You were calibrated to weigh tiny little Asian women with their tiny purses and tiny dogs and tiny tiny cell phones.  How am I supposed to live up to the impossible standard they have set for me?

But you don't care.  You just call me fat, and make a pained little noise ("ooh!") everytime I step on your little balance board. 

Well guess what, Wii. I just ate 9 Oreos.  YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME.

[Jesse and Jim are interrupting their conversation on the mid-season TV shows to talk about the 2009 Oscar nominations.  At the end of the conversation you will be invited to send in your Oscar picks, or you can go ahead and do it now. This is part four of five. Here is part one, part two, and part three.]

Best Sound Editing
The Dark Knight, Iron Man, Slumdog Millionaire, WALL-E, Wanted

Jim's take

Does anyone know the difference between Sound Editing and Sound Mixing? I mean, aside from audio engineers and foley artists? This category, over the years, has been referred to as Best Sound Effects, Best Sound Effects Editing, and now Best Sound Editing. It is supposed to go to the film with the "finest or most aesthetic sound editing or sound design." It typically goes to big-budget effects movies with all kinds of whiz-bang noises and super surround sound type stuff.

Ben Burtt has won this award three times -- for Star Wars, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and ET. As you so astutely pointed out in our last exchange, WALL-E is essentially a silent film. Well, it is in the sense that it does not tell its story through dialogue. Chaplin's "Modern Times" if often incorrectly referred to as silent, as well, and has a lot in common with our animated robot friend. Neither film is truly silent -- Modern Times, released in 1936, features an impressive synced soundtrack, chock full of effects and the occasional bit of dialogue.

So, with that pedigree in mind, I'm going to say that WALL-E rolls away with this one on his little tready things.

Jesse's take

Okay, all the bullshit awards are behind us, and its time to get serious with some SOUND EDITING MOTHERFUCKERS!!

Thank you for calling me out on my inelegant use of the word "silent film" to describe WALL-E. when what I actually meant was "dialogue free". THANK YOU SO MUCH JIM. Because the first part of WALL-E has no dialogue but is by no means silent so don't call it a silent film, any story that is communicated by the characters is with beeps and boops and blorps. And what blorps this movie had! Ben "I made the noises for the two most adorable robots of all time" Burtt wins.

Best Sound Mixing
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Dark Knight, Slumdog Millionaire, WALL-E, Wanted

Jim's take

I'd be better able to explain this category if I had a better grasp on what sound mixing was. I think it has to do with putting different sounds on different tracks and making sure all the levels are right so that you can understand dialogue while music is playing in the background and things are exploding.

At least, I hope that's what sound mixing is. Regardless, I'm dumb when it comes to audio. I did see all of the nominated films, however... and from my understanding of what mixing is, Slumdog Millionaire was the best. The soundtrack was very much a part of the film, in the grand Bollywood musical tradition. So I'm just going to go with that.

Jesse's take

I remember the first thing I thought when I saw the trailer for Wanted: "Damn that movie looks like it has some nice sound mixing."

I don't know what this award is, or what sound mixing is, or, really, what movies are, but I know this: If there is a musical in the category, then it wins Best Sound Mixing. Slumdog was the closest thing to a musical, so that is your winner.

Best Film Editing
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Dark Knight, Frost/Nixon, Milk, Slumdog Millionaire

Jim's take

This is one hell of an interesting short-list for film editing. I'm kind of perplexed. Of the nominated films, only Slumdog Millionaire is jumping out at me. Yes, the others were edited competently, but the story structure of Slumdog lends itself to this aware, no? Cutting back and forth between the present day, the hot seat, flashbacks, Slumdog relies on a series of transitions to tie its story together. So, I guess that's my choice.

Jesse's take

Slumdog also picks this one up as it builds up steam for the big finish...

Best Actress
Anne Hathaway (Rachel Getting Married), Angelina Jolie (Changeling), Melissa Leo (Frozen River), Meryl Streep (Doubt), Kate Winslet  (The Reader)

Jim's take

Just wanted to say, that for the record, I loved Changeling with one caveat: Jolie seemed totally out of place in the film; it was as if her only job was to have really huge, shiny red lips and mutter "This is not my child. This is not my boy." ineffectually in muffled tones throughout. So I'm not going to pick her to win.

Melissa Leo, whom I've barely seen in anything since she left the cast of Homicide: Life on the Street, is a surprise for me. I know nothing about the nominated film, and I'm sure she's happy just to be invited to the Oscars. (Just looked it up, apparently she was in 21 Grams and The Three Burials of Tommy Lee Jones.)

Anne Hathaway. Yeah. Right. Next.

That leaves Meryl and Kate. The old (but still hot) guard and the newer (but also hot) bearer of that "Oh, she's such a wonderful actress torch." While Meryl will always be first in my heart (yes, even after Mamma Mia!), I think we all know who is walking away with this award.

Winslet, whose work in Revolutionary Road was ignored by the Academy, is the glue that held The Reader together. Her performance -- which is the lead, mind you, despite what the folks at the Golden Globes might think -- bridges the three major timelines of the film. You see her in Michael's adolescence, his college years, and his adulthood. As I said as I left the theater "Wow, Kate Winslet was so naked in that film... and SO GERMAN." Seriously. She's really, really German.

So, she's my pick to win the award, and deservedly so. Sorry Meryl, I might change my mind when I see Doubt, but it would take a lot. You'd really have to do a duet of Super Trouper with Philip Seymour Hoffman for me to change my mind on this one.

Jesse's take

This feels like it might be Kate Winslet's "Hey you've been nominated a bunch of times but never won an Oscar, so, uh, here you go" award al a Scorcese and The Departed. (And yes, I LOVE THE DEPARTED so calm down, but if you compare it against the rest of his filmography, you kind of look at it and go, THAT'S the one he won the Oscar for? Really?) Anyway: It feels like that until you remember that Kate Winslet is only 33 years old. Yes you read that correctly. Doesn't it feel like she is well into her 50s by now?

I say Meryl takes this one home.

Best Actor
Richard Jenkins (The Visitor), Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon), Sean Penn (Milk), Brad Pitt (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button), Mickey Rourke  (The Wrestler)

Jim's take

Prior to the SAG awards, I was certain that I had this one figured out. Mickey Rourke all the way. And not just because he won the Golden Globe. Nope. The Wrestler is my hands-down pick for best film of the year, and Rourke is no small part of that. His performance as Randy "The Ram" Robinson is just heartbreaking on every level. Here's a man who (very clearly) once had it all -- money, fame, fast cars, skanky wrestling groupies, hell, even a daughter.

This is all gone by the time we meet him. The Ram is living in a trailer park in New Jersey, driving a beat-up conversion van with his action figure on the dashboard, and spending his free time playing a NES wrestling game in which he stars. Not on an emulator, but on a real-life NES. The only scene missing is the one where he has to spend ten minutes blowing into the game to make it work.

And he's self-destructive as hell. He's still wrestling on weekends -- small shows for little money, his days working for Vince McMahon are over, not being able to pay his rent, scraping by with a part-time job at the local supermarket, and spending all of his extra money on a stripper. And he lives in New Jersey.

This is all setup in the first fifteen minutes, and things don't pick up for The Ram after that. And Rourke sells the hell out of it. Seriously, I was tearing up during the whole film, just from the watching The Ram go through his daily life. He's a fuckup, he knows it, and he can't change. He's still grasping at his 1980's glory, despite the reality of his daily life.

So yeah, Rourke should win this. Easily. Without question. Nobody else is close.

But then Sean Penn wins the SAG award for Milk, and you have to start thinking about the fact that The Wrestler was snubbed in the Picture and Director categories. And then there's the fact that everyone loves Brad Pitt, that Frank Langella may actually be a clone of Richard Nixon, and that everyone raved about Jenkins' turn in The Vistor.

Penn was really good in Milk -- actually fun to watch. Sean Penn! Sean freaking Penn was FUN in a movie. And he was seriously gay. So very, very gay.

So, does Sean Penn win another one? Does Pitt walk away with a statue? Does Langella actually reveal himself to be Nixon's illegitimate son? Does Jenkins come out of nowhere to win this one?

I can't answer that. I just know that every fiber of my being wants to see Rourke win this one. So, he's my pick. Good luck, Ram.

Jesse's take

The most competitive award of the night. Rourke had mad buzz coming into awards season, but obviously the Academy wasn't as high on the Wrestler as we all thought they would be. Plus, Sean Penn wins the SAG, and as we all know, the actors make up the largest voting bloc for the Oscars. Not to mention every other scene in Milk features Penn ramming his tongue into some dude's mouth, which is SO BRAVE(tm). Langella was great as Nixon, but I also wonder if the fact that Hollywood is a bunch of communists works against Langella portraying Nixon as a sympathetic figure. If he had won at the SAGs I would have called this race ovah, because he was the only reason I was able to stay awake through that whelming movie.

I just flipped a coin, and it came up head. That means Sean Penn wins. GET IT?!?

[Jesse and Jim are interrupting their conversation on the mid-season TV shows to talk about the 2009 Oscar nominations.  At the end of the conversation you will be invited to send in your Oscar picks, or you can go ahead and do it now. This is part three of five. Here is part one and part two.]

Best Costume Design
Australia, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Duchess, Milk, Revolutionary Road

Jim's take

Just a reminder about The Dark Knight -- remember how pretty Aaron Eckhart is? Remember what he looks like after he is horribly scarred and turns into Two-Face? Was that CG or makeup? Etiher way, I'm standing by my Dark Knight makeup/effects predictions... and, from a purely technical standpoint, the effects of The Phantom Menace were years ahead of the Matrix. Years.

Silent movies have screenplays, you know. I hope that the people who work on movies and vote on these awards know that too. However, as you pointed out, I always lose Oscar pools. Always. Although it's generally by more than one point.

Anyway.  The Duchess is a costume drama, right? And everyone hated Australia? I hate this category. The Duchess.

Jesse's take

Yes, Aaron Eckhart was quite beautiful in The Dark Knight, but his Two-Face was pretty much all CGI. And also yes: *I* know that silent movies have screenplays, but I'm not an academy voter. If WALL-E wanted to win a screenplay award, then he should have been a sassy teenager with a hamburger phone.

The Duchess sure SOUNDS like a costume drama. I'm surprised that Poor Dead Heath Ledger's purple suit didn't get a nomination. People hated Australia, but that doesn't mean the costumes weren't FAB-U-LOUS. And didn't TCCOBB have all kinds of period dress? And why does the phrase period dress sound so filthy?

I'm going with TCCOBB. Why? Because the category is costume design, and his name is Benjamin Button. BUTTON. Case closed.  Closed with buttons.

Best Live Action Short
On the Line (Auf der Strecke), Manon On the Asphalt, New Boy, The Pig, Toyland (Spielzeugland)

Jim's take

I refuse to make an actual prediction until I see the 15-second clips during the ceremony. Two of these sound kind of German, I wonder if one is about the Holocaust? That said, I really like typing the word "Spielzeugland," so my early pick is Spielzeugland.

Jesse's take

I checked, none of these are about the Holocaust. Just to be safe, though, I'm going with Auf der Strecke, because it sounds like it might be about the Holocaust, and that's probably enough to push it over the top.

Best Animated Short
La Maison En Petits Cubes, Lavatory - Lovestory, Oktapodi, Presto, This Way Up

Jim's take

Wow, I've actually seen one of these. For that reason, and that reason only, I am picking Presto. That's how much I care about this category.

Jesse's take

I'll probably never vote against Pixar in an animation category ever again. Presto is the winner.

Best Foreign Language Film
Revanche (Austria), The Class (France), The Baader Meinhof Complex (Germany), Departures (Japan), Waltz with Bashir (Israel)

Jim's take

Waltz with Bashir is the heavy, heavy favorite here, no? It's a true story, animated, and about Israel. So yeah, I'm going with that one. Not exactly out on a limb.

Jesse's take

Hmmm... The Baader Meinhof Complex sounds like the name of a winning Foreign Film to me. Either that, or the name of my new industrial rock band.  Und ze vinner iz...DA BAADER MEINHOF COMPLEX!! That seems about right.

Best Animated Feature
WALL-E, Kung Fu Panda, Bolt

Jim's take

Does it matter who else is nominated? WALL-E.

Jesse's take

WALL-E wins, but this category raises an important question: how does an animated film get a nomination for Best Foreign Film (Waltz with Bashir from Israel), but fail to get a nomination for the Best Animated Feature category? Are you telling me that the very best film Israel could produce was not as good as Kung-Fu Panda? And, by transitive property of the Oscars, every film made in the entire world that wasn't nominated for Best Foreign Film was ALSO not as good as Kung Fu Panda? Wow, the rest of the world sucks at making movies. 

The SAG Awards

Best actor in a comedy series - Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock"
Best actress in a comedy series - Tina Fey, "30 Rock"
Best ensemble in a comedy series - "30 Rock"

Previously disagreeing with The Suze on the quality of 30 Rock:

The Golden Globes
Jim
The Emmy Awards
Television critics
ObscureCraft.net
Tina Fey
The New York Times
Reality

[Jesse and Jim are interrupting their conversation on the mid-season TV shows to talk about the 2009 Oscar nominations.  At the end of the conversation you will be invited to send in your Oscar picks, or you can go ahead and do it now. This is part two of five. Part one is here.]

As far as I know, the clip I need does not exist on the Internet.  So, you will have to do with a description instead.  In an episode that begins with a bear roaming the streets of Springfield, the townspeople demand that the mayor institute a wide-reaching bear patrol that includes vans and helicopters. 

Homer: Not a bear in sight.  The Bear Patrol must be working like a 
       charm.
 Lisa: That's specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, dear.
 Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Oh, how does it work?
 Lisa: It doesn't work.
Homer: Uh-huh.
 Lisa: It's just a stupid rock.
Homer: Uh-huh.
 Lisa: But I don't see any tigers around, do you?
        [Homer thinks about it, then pulls out some money]
Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock.

Now imagine that Homer was later mauled by a tiger.  Would this be proof that the rock did not work, or proof that the rock was in fact more vital than ever? And what the hell am I bringing up a 10-year-old Simpson episode for?

Replace "rock" with "Guantanamo Bay" and "tiger" with "terrorists" and you pretty much have this story.

"The emergence of a former Guantánamo Bay detainee as the deputy leader of Al Qaeda's Yemeni branch has underscored the potential complications in carrying out the executive order President Obama signed Thursday that the detention center be shut down within a year."

Despite all the torture and various and sundry shady activities of the last 8 years, we managed to capture and release this guy.  So instead of meaning that the anti-terror policies of the Bush administration were failures, it means we actually need to continue them?

 Lisa: That's specious reasoning, Dad.

My thought exactly.

(Tip via Joe)

I will allow this commercial to ask the question for me (click on the picture below):

So what is G, other than an incredibly dumb advertising campaign?

Answer after the jump.

[Jesse and Jim are interrupting their conversation on the mid-season TV shows to talk about the 2009 Oscar nominations.  At the end of the conversation you will be invited to send in your Oscar picks, or you can go ahead and do it now. This is part one of... probably five. There are alot of goddamn categories.]

Best Documentary Short

The Conscience of Nhem En, The Final Inch, Smile Pinki, The Witness - From the Balcony of Room 306

Jim's take

Nothing like starting out discussion with an X-Factor of a category. I really wish there was an easy way to see these before the ceremony, or after for that matter.

My pick? The Conscience of Nhem En. My reasoning? Of the four nominated films, it is the only one with its own Wikipedia page.

Jesse's take

Remember when we drove three hours to see a concert, but ended up watching the Oscar's instead? Good times.

We're going to go category by category, but I need to make a couple of overall observations that I am sure you will agree with. First: I have not seen it, but the fact that The Reader got 5 nominations, despite the fact that I have stubbornly never heard of it until today, only goes to show (yet again) that the way to Oscar's heart is through his Holocaust. Second: I heard a good joke today when somebody called these the Oscarzzzzzz. This might be the most boring Oscars since the year Crash "won". I have only seen one out of the 11 movies going for the top 4 awards (picture, director, actor, actress), the whelming Frost/Nixon. Whelming, of course, means it was not overwhelming or underwhelming. Just whelming.

I have a hard time beating your reasoning behind picking documentary short. I, however, am going with The Witness - From the Balcony of Room 306, because Oscar loves movies that have long, unwieldy names. (None of these are about the Holocaust, right? If they are, I reserve the right to change my vote).

I had to stop by the supermarket yesterday on the way home from work.  I had run out of tortillas for my delicious pulled pork, and I had run out of peanut butter.  So I get in the express line with my peanut butter, and my 20 flour tortillas.  The cashier gives me an odd little smile. 

On my way to the car, I realize: the cashier thought I was buying dinner.  A recession-inspired dinner of flour tortillas and peanut butter.

Another moment from the speech yesterday that struck me:

"We reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals."

The camera immediately cut to George Bush, placidly listening Obama directly repudiate his policies and decisions. Awkward!

I was not the only one to notice it, and it brings to mind another time when somebody stuck it to Bush right in his face:

After thanking President Bush "for his service to our nation," Mr. Obama executed a high-level version of Stephen Colbert's share-the-stage smackdown of W. at the White House correspondents' dinner in 2006.

With W. looking on, and probably gradually realizing with irritation, as he did with Colbert, who Mr. Obama's target was -- (Is he talking about me? Is 44 saying I messed everything up?) -- the newly minted president let him have it:

"As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals," he said to wild applause (and to Bartlett's), adding: "Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake." He said America is choosing hope over fear, unity over discord, setting aside "false promises" and "childish things."

What, exactly, is the meaning of this?

RUSH: "My hope, and please understand me when I say this.  I disagree fervently with the people on our side of the aisle who have caved and who say, "Well, I hope [Obama] succeeds.  We've got to give him a chance."  [...] I know what his politics are.  I know what his plans are, as he has stated them.  I don't want them to succeed. 

If I wanted Obama to succeed, I'd be happy the Republicans have laid down.  [...] I do not want the government in charge of all of these things. I don't want this to work.  [...] I hope he fails."

Yes, yes, Rush Limbaugh is a loudmouth and a fathead and yadda yadda yadda.  But his candor in this case is helpful in illuminating an important point.  At this point in my life it would be fair to label me as a Democrat.  Does that mean that I hope Republicans fail? Was I hoping for George Bush to fail? Of course not.  Hoping for the failure of our elected leadership, whatever their party, is foolishness.  Are you, Republicans, really secretly hoping for Obama to fail? What? The? Fuck?

Why it's Dirk Benedict, the original Lt. Starbuck!

He is also a bit crazy:

"There was a time, I know I was there, when men were men, women were women and sometimes a cigar was just a good smoke. But 40 years of feminism have taken their toll. The war against masculinity has been won. Everything has turned into its opposite, so that what was once flirting and smoking is now sexual harassment and criminal. And everyone is more lonely and miserable as a result."

Apparently he is very, very upset about Starbuck being a woman in the new (and incomparably better) series.  I can only assume he's offended that he was never invited onto the show as a guest star.  Or maybe his crazy runs so deep that he spurned their offer.  I highly recommend reading the whole thing unfiltered, but what struck me the most was how little he seems to grasp the new show and its characters.  I don't think he's watched more than an episode or two, and he clearly didn't pay much attention. 

Before we begin, I need to set the record straight.  I have never, nor would I ever, talk smack about Jim's mom or her delicious cooking, despite what he might have you believe.  Here is what I actually said:

"[U]p until a few years ago, the undisputed champion of cooking in my life was Jim's mom.  Unfortunately, after the first Thanksgiving we spent in Florida, Jim's mom had to cede the title to Suzi's sister Sandra."

See? No smack talk.  But even so, I would like to amend this statement.  It was wrong of me to imply that there was a title or championship to be the best cook.  Do we argue over whether Thomas Jefferson or Abe Lincoln is the best president? No, we just put them both on Mount Rushmore and call it a day.  So I hereby declare that Jim's Mom and Sandra both go on the ObscureCraft Mount Rushmore of cooking, and hopefully we can put this ugly business behind us. 

If you are looking to get yourself onto the Mount Rushmore of cooking, here is the first requirement: no matter how many people show up in your house, and no matter what time of the day or night it is, you must always have delicious food ready for them to eat.  Such was the case with the very first pulled pork sandwiches.  A group of 9 people made a pit stop at Jim's parents house on the way from Albany, NY to Naples, Florida.  It was 11 o'clock at night, and out comes Jim's mom with a tray full of pulled pork wrapped up in flour tortillas.  Ladies and gentlemen, THAT is how you get it done.

I'm so tired of Jesse talking smack about my Mom's cooking. I took such offense to his insistence that this magic "table cream" ingredient made it so it was possible to make food better than my mom can make. Seriously, why would you put table cream into her hot and melty mac & cheese, or the Sweet Baby Ray's-based pulled pork, or her crab cakes.

Watching this video gave me a nerdgasm:

[The following is part one of an email conversation between Jesse and Jim with our thoughts about the midseason shows.  This part is exclusively about 24 season 7 and has spoilers, so if you haven't watched yet, don't read yet.]

---

From: Jesse
To: Jim
Subject: The following e-mail takes place between 8:00 am and 9:00 am

I want to start this conversation with two quick thoughts:

1) I didn't realize it in the fall, but the networks were apparently holding all the shows I really wanted to watch until midseason. But we're going to have to get to them later, because:

2) "24" is back, baby! It is back!

Correct me if I am wrong, but you and I have not always seen eye to eye on this show. I am, without a doubt, the bigger fan. I watched from day one, despite the horrible, horrible ad campaign (cue the Limp Bizkit: IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS). You were more reluctant, and have recoiled at some of the more ridiculous moments. I, on the other hand, relish the ridiculousness. The phrase "jump the shark" has become one of the more obnoxious memes surrounding the TV biz, but it is uniquely applicable to this show. If 24 doesn't "jump the shark" 8 or 9 times a season it almost feels like a disappointment. If Jack Bauer actually jumped over a shark tank with a motorcycle in pursuit of terrorists, would we even flinch?

Greg asks: What's the deal with this guy?  I don't know if it's going on everywhere, but he's on DC TV and radio a lot, advertising his plan for energy independence.  Is he full of crap?  Is he just trying to get people to buy T. Boone Pickens Brand windmills?  ObscureCraft readers want to know! (and are too lazy to figure it out on their own).

Greg, what are you doing in here?! You are not the Suze!

I'll answer this question, but only because I never got around to actually sending you your prize for winning the ObscureCraft.net Obamaganda contest.  Consider this your winnings.

There are two schools of thought on environmentalism.  I'll call the first one the altruistic view; that is, there is not necessarily a personal immediate benefit to making choices that help the environment, but you do it because you feel it is "the right thing to do."  Call this the Al Gore school. 

The other school is the capitalist view.  Can I make money off of being an environmentalist? That isn't to say that you use being "green" as some bullshit marketing campaign, but rather, is there an inherent competitive advantage to being green? An example would be building an electric car.  You don't build one because you give a shit about the environment; you build one because people will buy it.  This is the T. Boone Pickens school.

In a moment of amazing irony that I couldn't believe was unintentional except for well, the entire record of the Bush presidency, this Sunday has been declared National Sanctity of Life Day.

"A Proclamation by the President of the United States of America

All human life is a gift from our Creator that is sacred, unique, and worthy of protection. On National Sanctity of Human Life Day, our country recognizes that each person, including every person waiting to be born, has a special place and purpose in this world. We also underscore our dedication to heeding this message of conscience by speaking up for the weak and voiceless among us.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim January 18, 2009, as National Sanctity of Human Life Day. I call upon all Americans to recognize this day with appropriate ceremonies and to underscore our commitment to respecting and protecting the life and dignity of every human being*. "

*offer not valid for the mentally ill, the mentally disabled, children without health care, Iraqis, Palestinians or Afghanis.

 

From Sister Helen Prejean in the New York Review of Books:

"[right wing reporter Tucker] Carlson asked Bush if he had met with any of the petitioners and was surprised when Bush whipped around, stared at him, and snapped, "No, I didn't meet with any of them." Carlson, who until that moment had admired Bush, said that Bush's curt response made him feel as if he had just asked "the dumbest, most offensive question ever posed." Bush went on to tell him that he had also refused to meet Larry King when he came to Texas to interview [clemency petitioner Karla Faye] Tucker but had watched the interview on television. King, Bush said, asked Tucker difficult questions, such as "What would you say to Governor Bush?"

What did Tucker answer? Carlson asked.

"Please," Bush whimpered, his lips pursed in mock desperation, "please, don't kill me." "

 

When I go to the supermarket next on Saturday, I will be getting the ingredients for my next recipe.  But what, pray-tell, should it be? I leave it to you, my readers, to decide.  Voice your opinion in the comments section.

Larry's Legal-Trouble Spaghetti Sauce
Larry's Sausage Peppers and Onions
Jim's Mom's Pulled Pork
Suzi Makes Cookies From Dough Out of a Tube

The Film

It's a film adaptation of the ancient Greek myth involving Jason and the quest for the golden fleece, and it is the best movie to be produced by legendary effects master Ray Harryhausen.  Jason is sent by Pelias on a quest for the golden fleece.  Unbeknownst to Jason, he is foretold by prophecy to kill Pelias, who usurped the throne of Thessaly from King Aristo.  Pelias sends Jason on this quest in the hopes that he will die.  Sneaky, sneaky Pelias.

This baby has got it all: gods and goddesses, Harpies, mermen, the Hydra, and my all-time favorite, an army of sword fighting skeletons.



Jason and the Argonauts gets the recommendation because Harryhausen himself calls it his best work, but if you want to watch The Golden Voyage of Sinbad or Clash of the Titans, I'm cool with that too.

Why haven't you seen it?

Because you think that Star Wars: Special Edition had better special effects than the originals.    Honestly, aren't you tired of all the CGI nonsense? Don't you want to see an incredibly detailed, hand-made cyclops stomp across a beach instead?


Why should you see it?

Ray Harryhausen is a brand unto himself.  He worked on over 20 films with names like "The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms" and "Earth vs. The Flying Saucers", all using stop-motion animation to bring to life some of movie history's greatest monsters.  Harryhausen used the world of Greek mythology as his playground, making movies with a signature look and style.  Compared to today's CGI-generated cornucopia of blandness, Harryhausen's creations just keep getting better and better.

This clip is from Golden Voyage of Sinbad.  Watch that sassy statue dance!

You drove off in your pickup truck before I could properly respond to your gestures indicating that I should be riding my bicycle on the sidewalk instead of the street. So:

1) Not only am I allowed to ride my bike in the street, it is actually illegal to ride a bicycle on the sidewalk.  You are supposed to ride bicycles in the street.

2) I wasn't actually in the street.  I was in a bike lane.

3) If you drove a smaller vehicle instead of an enormous truck, I would not have been in your way.

4) If you were in such a hurry that my being in the road slowed you down too much, why did you have time to slow down next to me and gesticulate at me?

Actually, hold on a second.  I've decided to refine my response.  Ignore the last four.  Instead:

1) Fuck you, you pickup truck driving redneck douchebag.

There, I think that says it all.

Are you a meeting note taker? An avid listener? A snoozer?

I'm a doodler.

Illegal aliens. Get it?

I thought we were friends, Akiyo.  Then I see this on your blog, 365 of East Bay, the other day:

I like Jimbo's blog. I guess it's more fun because I know him a little bit more than reading some stranger's blog. Jessie's blog is fun for anyone to read, I think.

Do you see anything wrong with that sentence? Hmm? Do you? No, not just that my name was spelled wrong.  I have grown used to that.  No, here is the problem: you mentioned my blog, but there is no link.

Where is the link, Akiyo? Where is it? Where. Is. The. Link. WHERE IS IT?!?!?

There is no link.  You mentioned my blog without linking to it.  I don't know: maybe that's how they do things out in SAN FRAN-cisco, but here in Texas, we link to each other's blogs.  Maybe that's just because here, in REAL America, we treat each other with respect and dignity.  We don't go around not linking to each other.

I thought we had something special, Akiyo.  You would read my blog, I would read your blog.  You'd ask me where to get hedgehogs, I'd tell you they were illegal.  But then you go and pull a Pearl Harbor on me like this.  It is wrong, Akiyo.  IT IS WRONG.  And just like after Pearl Harbor, I am declaring war.

The Golden Globes.

Best Television Musical/Comedy: 30 Rock
Best Actor - Television Musical/Comedy: Alec Baldwin, '30 Rock'
Best Actress - Television Musical/Comedy: Tina Fey, '30 Rock'

Previously disagreeing with The Suze on the quality of 30 Rock:

Jim
The Emmy Awards
Television critics
ObscureCraft.net
Tina Fey
The New York Times
Reality

I am typically a self-aware person.  I am not usually deluded.  Or, to be more correct, I know when I am deluding myself, but will move forward anyway.  For example: I know that exactly 5 people will read this article, but I will move forward with the writing anyway as if this were a widely-circulated newspaper column.  And, no, I don't think I had any delusions about how this postseason would actually play out, as I proved here:

"That is, unless the Giants lose to the Eagles in round 2."

That prediction was made before the Eagles had even gotten past the Vikings.  Sometimes, this whole football business can be so painfully predictable, as the Baltimore Ravens victory on February 1 over these same Eagles will prove.

But, when it comes to the Giants, there was one place where I totally and completely deluded myself.  I thought the Giants could win without Plaxico Burress.

I truly believed that.  Plaxico shot his own damn self on November 28th.  On that day the Giants were 11-1, and averaged over 29 points per game.  Since then they are 1-4, averaging only 17 points per game. 

I rationalized.  The only game they really needed to win the rest of the year was the game against Carolina (which they won, further reinforcing my delusions).  Brandon Jacobs was hurt, and that was the real reason that scoring was down.  Blah blah blah. 

Make no mistake: the Curse of Luis' Deli was in full effect yesterday.  It was in full effect on November 28th when Plax put on those fateful sweatpants.  I think Luis might have dressed Plax that night, and then made sure the gun was loaded before sticking it in Burress' waistband.

If I may make some further bold predictions:

• The Giants will do everything they can to bring Burress back next season unless he is actually in prison.
• If they can't get him, they will go hard in the off-season after any available wide receiver over 6'3" tall.
• If they fail at both of those tasks, the Giants will not make the playoffs next year

Last prediction: after the awful job he did yesterday, Kevin Gilbride, the Giants' offensive coordinator, should be shown the door.  Whenever the Giants' ran the ball, good things happened.  Whenever they threw the ball, bad things happened.  They should have continued running the ball until the Eagles proved they could stop them.  Instead they let Eli throw helicopters into the wind until the drives ended or the ball was picked off.  Incredibly frustrating. 

Jesse had suggested that the fan of the loser of today's football contest post a self-portrait, all dejected and frowny, because of the outcome.

This is a pretty self indulgent rant for nerds so I am putting the bulk of it after the jump, but the short version is that games have shit writing, but continue to put increasing amounts of it in anyway.

The Suze asks: There was a story on the news this morning about a boy who convinced his city council to remove an anti-hedgehog ordinance so that he would legally be allowed to keep one as a pet.  Isn't this a terrible idea? Are there any such things as domesticated hedgehogs? Where do you even get one?

The boy in the story behind the Suze's question wanted to get a pet hedgehog after playing Sonic the Hedgehog.  He successfully sued to have an anti-hedgehog ordinance in his town struck down.  I can relate to this boy, as I had a similar experience in my youth when I was denied my request for a pet Metroid.  But it turns out that, while they are exotic (and incredibly pointy), it is not as rare to keep hedgehogs as pets as we may have originally thought.

The International Hedgehog Association attempts to persuade you to join the world of hedgehog ownership with some of the following "fun" facts:

• Hedgehogs do not give off any appreciable odor (as opposed to those smelly, smelly guinea pigs we used to have)
• They can be easily litter trained

• They can live from 4-7 years
• No immunization shots
• They are sometimes referred to as hedgies

There is no reference on the page to hedgehogs being particular fast runners, which I have no doubt will come as a disappointment to the boy in the news.

Hedgehogs can be purchased from breeders, or you could adopt one from a rescue organization.  They are also sometimes found in pet stores.  Maybe we can get one in time for the Milwaukee Hedgehog Rendezvous 2009!  And yes, the result of my research is that I want a pet hedgehog.  Look at his little face!!!

----

The Suze asks: Is there a difference between a nook and a cranny? And if not, then why do we use both words together?

A quick internet search reveals that there is no significant difference in the official definitions:

Nook: A small corner, alcove, or recess, especially one in a large room.
Cranny: A small opening, as in a wall or rock face; a crevice.

The phrase "nook and cranny" originates, as does pretty much everything in modern English, with the Norman invasion of England in 1066.   When the invadees and the invaders communicated with each other, they often would use both the French and English words for whatever they were trying to say.   Nook and cranny both mean corner, but nook is from medievel English and cranny is from medieval French.  Hence, "nook and cranny."

As for why this particular phrase has stuck around since then? I blame english muffins.

Jim, I bet you think your taunting has gone unnoticed.  Maybe I'm the only one who read your Plaxico Burress-inspired version of "Janie's Got a Gun" in the comment thread for this article, but I read it.  But guess what? The Giants are going to beat the Eagles on Sunday.

Who have the Eagles won against? They beat the Giants immediately after Plaxico shot himself.  Then they beat a terrible Cleveland team that had quit on their coach.  They followed that up with a loss against a Washington team with nothing to play for in which they only scored three points.  They beat a terrible Cowboys team to make the playoffs.

And then they played the Vikings, the only possible playoff matchup that gave the Eagles an advantage at either coach or quarterback.  The Vikings were barely able to beat the Giants backups a week earlier.

Meanwhile, the G-Men have had a week off.  More importantly, Brandon Jacobs is healthy.  I've learned my lesson about betting on my teams in the playoffs, but if I didn't have a stake in this game, I'd be putting cash on the Giants.  Mark it down: the Giants are going to the Super Bowl.  For realz.

Giants 28, Eagles 10.

Two writer's who do some pretty smart writing on science and the environment, Jonathan Golob of dearscience.org and Jacon Liebenluft, author of Slate.com's The Green Lantern column, have both at various times come out talking some shit about carbon offsets.  It is not an uncommon point of view.  It is also, one I just do not understand.

I will be starting from the assumption that you, the reader, understand and accept the importance of reducing carbon emissions.  It is not my goal to convince you of the truth in global warming science, or the urgency in the matter.  If you aren't convinced by now, then I would also probably have a hard time selling you an umbrella in a rainstorm.  Instead, it is my goal to convince you that carbon offsets are an important, useful, and valid tool in reducing your personal carbon emissions.

For once, I am determined to get the word out about a show before it is canceled or the season is already half over. The second season of Damages, starring Glenn Close at the top of a top-notch cast, starts tonight on FX. 

Damages has two greats: great acting and great writing.  Do those things interest you? Hmm?

This is crazy that all this is happening while Lauren is gone.

Okay, so you want to know what the show is about.  Glenn Close plays Patty Hewes, a cutthroat attorney.  Rose Byrne is a new lawyer with her firm.  Ted Danson is Arthur Frobisher, and he is being sued for hundreds of millions of dollars in a class action lawsuit represented by Hewes.  He doesn't want to lose his money or his company, but he refuses to sully his name by settling.  Things get a little... messy.

Season 1 framed the action of the previous 9 months with flashes of the "present", all colliding at a pivotol moment; the grisly murder of Rose Byrne's fiance.  The only word to describe the plot is "unwinding".  You start picking at the edges, and with each new episode you circle in on the truth of what happened and what is going to happen. Each new flash of the present changes the context of what we've seen, sometimes in incredibly unexpected ways.  It is the tightest writing of any show currently in production.  I could give you examples but I don't want to ruin anything if you missed season 1.  It is much too much fun to watch it all unravel for yourself.

Glenn Close and Rose Byrne are the headliners, but the standouts from season 1 were Ted Danson and Zeljko Ivanek.  Zelljjjko plays a man who is clearly from Eastern Europe that has a crazy southern accent for some reason, and is Ted Danson's lawyer.  He's the guy next to Glenn Close and her incredible sunglasses in the picture above.  Does he look like a man who should be talking like the KFC Colonel? No. He does not.  It is glorious. 

Ted Danson is great for a reason other than a ridiculous accent.  He is the bad guy, but he's not a bad guy, if that makes sense.  What I mean is he isn't a mustache-twirling villian, if you'll excuse the cliche.  He's created a character that is driven to do the wrong things, and maybe even for the wrong reasons, but you still completely understand him.  That is some fine work, if you ask me.

If you plan on keeping up, DO NOT MISS the season premiere tonight.  This show got terrible ratings last season, most likely because missing one episode was like trying to speak English missing 6 or 7 letters.  You could do it, but a whole lot of stuff was not going to make any sense.

I have no idea what is in store for season 2, but the cast, which was great in season 1, is swelling up with talent.  William Hurt, Timothy Olyphant, and Marcia Gay Harden are joining what was already the best ensemble cast this side of Pushing Daisies.   If you missed season 1, do not wait and catch up on DVD. Watch it now.

Cluckolding has been added to the Urban Dictionary.

We're making a difference here, people.

[This essay is by Jessica, Kevin's 13-year-old sister.  She agreed to write this in exchange for borrowing my Buffy DVDs.  It was written after she finished season 1 and 2, but before watching season 3.  She did a great job, and any problems with the essay should be attributed to the editor.  I am the editor.]

I believe it is safe to assume that we all know the well-loved story of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Rather than summarizing the show, I elect to use the next two pages to voice my take on one particular subject: Cordelia Chase.

Cordelia is possibly the most annoying character in the history of television. Although she is pretty, that is about all that can be positively said in regards to her. She is among the first to learn of Buffy's identity as the Slayer, but unlike the others, she does not immediately agree to help. Rather, she spends most of Season 1 insulting various friends of Buffy, and often Buffy herself.

The Dilemma:

You enter a bathroom stall in a men's room in an office building to find that somebody urinated all over the seat.  Not just on the rim, but they actually left the seat down and then peed all over it.  You've just come back from lunch at Taco Bell, all other stalls are occupied, and it is an emergency situation.  What do you do? (Inspired by true events.)

A. You sigh to yourself, and meekly sit down on the urine-soaked seat.
B. You shrug, wipe the seat clean with a bit of toilet paper, and then sit down.
C. You step out and wait for another stall.
D. You loudly accuse the other bathroom occupants of pissing on the seat, punch someone in the face, and then poop in the sink.

The answer key is after the jump.

I've been in a bit of a blog funk lately.  What to write on?  Not a whole lot of ideas:  try to spark the comments section by some incendiary Israel/Palestine posts?  Pre-emptively bash Obama's disappointing sounding stimulus plan? 

Then I read the following headline, and my course was set:

Military Hoping Chat Bots Will Replace Deployed Parents

There is nothing about this story that's not fantastic.  The Request for Proposals located here is a glorious celebration of desperate, probably deadline based writing.  The 'Phase 1' plan seems pre-designed explicitly to result in a long, incredibly expensive process that ends in absolutely nothing of value being created. 

Boston professor, blogger, and hopefully new friend of the site HumanProject summed it up best: "Great background-story for a dystopian novel: In the early 21st century, when the protagonist was only three, he was beta-tested on a military AI project..." before going on to note that the first step, a questionnaire, could have easily been done first.  And anyone with any actual knowledge of cognitive science would expect the project to end there, when respondents simply looked at us like we were complete idiots instead of answering the questionnaire. 

To some extent though, I'm glad that at least it's a waste of money that'll probably end up going to people I knew at RPI's cognitive science lab.  Maybe I should email it to Selmer...

["Since You Asked..." is published every Monday on Salon.com by Cary Tennis.  For the original columns, click here and here.]

Dear Cary OC,

Several years ago, I did what a lot of people just dream about: I got to begin, and sustain, a career as a writer. I worked hard; I'd climbed out of a stifling marriage with a young child in tow and recognized that my midlife crisis wasn't going to be about a convertible or an ashram. It was never about the money (anyone who writes knows that already; note to everyone else: It can't be about the money), but I had responsibilities to my daughter that made total freedom to chase the dream ridiculous.

So, how did it come about? I met a lovely man a couple of years after the divorce. We are compatible; my daughter adores him; he is kind. He, too, was at a crossroads in his working life, and together we navigated a direction for him to become financially stable. I financially supported him through that time (several years) in my previous soul-sucking-but-sound job. When that was accomplished, I took my turn. I couldn't have done it without him.

The problem? He too is an artist. He's very good. He too has dreams. He works at his stable, unionized job (no, not the auto industry), which has great benefits and a pension. He worked hard to get there; but it's not what he craves. My question? Do I owe him the same chance that I got? I don't earn enough for him to quit his job. And in this economic climate, that would be crazy, whether he was with me or not.

He doesn't complain and is proud of my accomplishments. I have encouraged him to work on his art in his down time -- which he instead uses to mostly watch TV or play games. I worry he's lost his ambition, while I'm recognizing mine. I work very hard in a very tight industry. I guess I don't know if he just doesn't have the ambition, or if I'm an albatross around his neck.

Do I have a debt here?

So says this guy, anyway.

The Israeli consulate in Houston is across the street from the movie theater.  A group was there protesting the latest round of violence in Israel.  I heard something about rockets or whatever, but, honestly, I tune it out whenever I hear it.  Who can get worked up about this anymore? Israel is blaming Palestine, and, as we can see from these photos, Palestinians are blaming Israel.

Suzi asked me what the reason was for the latest violence.  This is it: a six-month cease fire was declared in July.  The cease fire just expired.  Hence, firing.

A group of three girls draped in the Palestinian flag got around this car and sassed the driver, who probably sassed them back.  Afterwards, their point made, they went into the movie theater and purchased tickets for a matinee. 

I asked Suzi what this recipe was called, and she didn't know.  It is another recipe from Sandra, which means that much of the truth of this dish is lost in translation, including actual ingredients, amounts, and in this case, even the name.  Credit Kevin with noticing the similarities between this dish and tiramisu.  Layers of cookies, cream mixed with alcohol, and deliciousness.  Bam! Tiramisuzi.  I'll take it.  And then I will shove it all in my mouth, because it is delicious.

This is the recipe moment you have all been waiting for.  Oh, yes: table cream is back. And it brought a friend.

While enjoying my "day-off" yesterday I decided to watch The Price is Right.  Now I know that ObscureCraft has disapproved of this show due to Drew Carey's lack of enthusiasm after the exact showcase bid.  But something drew me to it (yes pun intended).  Watch the below clip.  Watch the whole clip if you want (because this kid does REALLY well), but the interesting part lies between the 1 and 4 minute marks.  Actually, the best part lies at 3:26 onward to 4:00.