The National Bureau of Economic Research released their findings yesterday that the United States economy is in a recession, and has been for the last 12 months. This comes as a shock to nobody who has paid attention to the news: the collapse of every major investment bank on Wall Street, the tightening of credit markets, the precipitous drop in the stock market, and the subsequent layoffs and cutbacks in the workforce have all been making daily headlines for the second half of 2008. The uncertainty in the job market, combined with the unavailability of credit, is predicted to have a devastating effect on the Christmas shopping season.
This time of year typically brings sales and financing deals at all retailers to entice buyers, but there is a desperation in the air that is new. On Black Friday, Jdimytai Damour, an employee at a Wal-Mart on Long Island, was killed when a throng of shoppers waiting in the parket lot shoved in the doors and trampled him to death
on their way to discount merchendise. Two other people died in a gunfight in a Toys R Us
store in Southern California.
But you know what? FUCK ALL YALL, BECAUSE I AM GETTING A LEXUS. Hey, let's invite the family of that WalMart employee over to my house so I can rub it in their face, just like I rubbed it in the face of that little girl when I got that pony. Remember that? When I got a motherfucking pony for Christmas
? I was all like, "daddy, can I have a pony?" and he was all like, "of course you can, sweetheart, cause I want to make sure that you grow up to be a spoiled horrible woman. My dream is that, in a time when people will step on a brother to save $20 on a DVD player, you will have a husband who will drop 40 large on a car without even consulting you. Because you just have so much goddamn money, 40 large on a car is like, WHATEVS, baby."
Lexus holds a "December to Remember" sales event every year, and every year I've thought to myself, "Jesus Christ, are there really people in the world who buy each other luxury cars as presents?" But this ad finally explains it to me. I get it now. If you lived in a huge house with a stone fireplace and celebrated Christmas morning with a pony, then you get a Lexus. Otherwise, you have to trample immigrants to death on the way to the discount racks on Black Friday.