With apologies to my mom and Suzi, there has never been anyone regularly in my life that could cook well.  I've had brushes with greatness - up until a few years ago, the undisputed champion of cooking in my life was Jim's mom.  Unfortunately, after the first Thanksgiving we spent in Florida, Jim's mom had to cede the title to Suzi's sister Sandra.

But in Jim's mom's defense, she never had a chance against table cream.

If I may quote the name of the Facebook group I just created: "Table Cream makes food taste like magic."  It's true.  But don't take my word for it - try it for yourself.  Here is Sandra's table cream-tastic recipe for Freaky Fricasse. Ingredients:

Okay, I actually need to pause here.  I'm going to give the ingredients exactly as they were given to me.  The only problem is that Sandra is not a native English speaker, and she is a very intuitive cook.  What that all means for me is that she had a difficult time communicating the recipe to me.  She used units like "pieces" and "cans" and "bags".  In fact, when she told me that I needed "2 table cream cans" and I had never heard of table cream before, I was 100% convinced that she was translating wrong.  Table cream? What the hell is table cream? When I actually found some it was kind of like finding a unicorn. 

Anyway, here are the ingredients.  My interpretation is in parenthesis, but the words of Sandra should be treated as the gospel.

Ingredients (should serve 12 people):

8 pieces of chicken [should be about 2 pounds]
salt, pepper, and McCormick's Season-All [season to taste]
a teaspoon of margarine [for cooking the vegetables]
olive oil [for cooking the chicken in, however much you need to cook 8 pieces of chicken?]
minced garlic [I end up using about a tablespoon]
one onion
1/2 cup of sliced olives
2 table cream cans
one bag of mozzarella cheese [should be about 16 ounces]

Start with the chicken.  Cut it down into chunks.  The smaller the better, because you are going to need to shred it in a few minutes.  Add the oil to a large pan, and cook that chicken over medium heat.

Add the salt, pepper, and Season-All to the chicken to taste.  And by "to taste", what I mean is "add as much Season-All as you can reasonably allow yourself to put into food."  It is delicious.  Are you done adding the Season-All? Put more in.  NOW you are done.

Once you have the chicken cooking, it's time for the vegetables.  You are going to cook the onion, olives, and garlic together in the margarine.  Dice the onion up real good while you melt the margarine in a second pan.  I usually get a can of pre-sliced olives and add the whole thing, juice included, into the pan with margarine, garlic and the onion, but this particular time I was stupid and forgot that chopped olives and sliced olives are not the same thing.  I also completely forgot about the garlic.  Whatever, it is still delicious.

Now while those vegetables are cooking, check on your chicken.  When it is done, take it out of the pan and put it on a cutting board. WARNING: the chicken will look incredibly delicious. DO NOT EAT IT YET.  Any chicken you eat now will not be available to be consumed later once you have added the table cream, and you will regret it.  Oh, why did I eat that chicken without table cream! Why have I denied myself pleasure?! you will cry to the heavens.

Get a couple of forks and shred that chicken.  Shred it good.  If you leave any large chunks, no matter how good it still tastes in the end, Suzi will give you shit about it.  So shred it all.

Once your chicken looks like it belongs in the opening credit sequence of Dexter, check on your vegetables.  They should be thoroughly cooked.  All done? Yes.  TABLE CREAM TIME.

Here is a picture of the Table Cream to prove that it exists.  Not every supermarket has it.  I got mine in a Kroger in Houston where everything is in Spanish with English subtitles instead of the other way around.  I also found it in a Shop-Rite in Long Branch, New Jersey.  So, uh, good luck. 

But seriously: if you live anywhere with a large Mexican or, even better, Brazilian population, the supermarket will have table cream.  You just have to look.

Add the shredded chicken and cooked vegetables together in a pan.  Then open up a can of table cream whoop-ass on it. 

BAM! That is the color of delicious food.  You know anything that color is going to taste awesome.  (Note: if you use sliced olives instead of chopped olives it comes out looking less like a pan of Hamburger Helper.  Trust me.)

Transfer the whole works into a Pyrex dish and sprinkle your cheese on top.

Set your oven to 375 degrees and cook it until the cheese is melted and bubbly.  Before putting it in the oven, however, I suggest you pause to go to the gym.  I'm not kidding.  Did you see how much cheese and cream you are about to eat? GO TO THE GYM.

Ta-da! That is what deliciousness looks like in a pan.  Eat it.  You will not have any room for Judy Pie afterwards, so don't even try.