Here is why it is so hard to be green: people need feedback.  A thought experiment: imagine that pain could be unitized.  Let's call a slap to the face a 1, a punch in the stomach a 5, and a kick square in your junk a 10.  Now imagine that you could control the amount of pain you received by being more environmentally conscious.  Got it?

Person A will receive his pain in increments - everytime he crosses the threshold for a 1, he is going to get slapped in the face.  Person B will receive his pain all at once - everytime he crosses the threshold for 10, he'll get kicked square in the nuts.  Now, who do you think will be the more environmentally conscious?

Studies have shown it is Person A.  What studies? FUCKING STUDIES, OKAY? Listen: here is the thought experiment applied to real life.  Person A has a gauge in his car that tells him what MPG he is getting in real time.  Person B has no gauge, but he figures out his MPG when he fills up his tank.  If they have identical cars and driving patterns, Person A will overall get better MPG.  Up to 20% better.  Because he is tired of getting slapped in the face constantly.

The Home Energy PowerCost Monitor applies this concept to your electric bill.  You just attach it to your utility meter, and it uses radios or lasers or some shit to communicate with a display inside your house.  Did you just open the fridge? Or turn on a light? Or activate your weather dominator? Well, now your Home Energy PowerCost Monitor is telling you that you are using more energy.  SLAPPED.

Your friends and family are tired of being kicked in the nuts once a month.  Slap them in the face instead - with a Home Energy PowerCost Monitor, that is.

I often think about The Rapture.  What, you don't know about The Rapture? Don't you live in Texas or something?

Alright, in a nutshell, here's The Rapture: all the Christians in the world are going to disappear, and go up to heaven. That leaves us heathens stuck behind on Earth, and there's going to be Satan and shit, and pestilence, and we won't be able to perform transactions unless we are marked with the mark of the beast (aka UPC symbols). You can read about it on Wikiepedia, but that's no fun -- go listen to the episode of This American Life, "Apocalypse," and Sarah Vowell will tell you all about it.

So, don't offend your good, devout, somewhat crazy, Christian friends with some awful secular gift. Put the CHRIST back in Christmas with a subscription to You'veBeenLeftBehind.com! For only $40 a year, you get online document storage and an automatic Rapture-triggered email messaging system.

A what, you say? Well, your good Christian friends are just going to be pulled off the face of the Earth during the Rapture. POOF and they will be gone. But what about those heathens whom they've left behind? The souls they weren't able to save, the atheists, the Mormons, the Jews.... well?

You'veBeenLeftBehind will automatically send an email to up to 62 of your non-Christian loved ones in the event of Rapture. You'll also get more tangible services with your account: 250MB of document storage (150MB encrypted, 100MB nonencrypted), the ability to edit stored documents, as well as access to some prewritten documents for those good Christians who never did do well with that thun thar book learnin'.

I know what you're asking yourself. If You'veBeenLeftBehind.com is run by a good group of Christians (and I assure you, it is -- I read their FAQ), how are they going to be able to send your emails -- I mean, they'll all be Raptured up to Heaven during the Rapture!

Rest assured, they address this issue: "I have a team, of Christian couples, scattered around the U.S.  4 active couples and one alternate. One of each, of the active couples, are required to log into the system everyday. They are scattered to protect us from having the team wiped out by attack, natural disaster, or epidemic. They are couples in case one is sick, injured, killed, and to assure their walk with God. If they (3 out of 4) fail to log in for 3 days the system figures the Rapture has taken place. There are then notices sent out to each of us daily, for 3 more days, warning us we must log in to prevent the sending of documents. If, we do not, then the system sends out all of the stored data to all of the email addresses. There is one alternate team member to ready as a replacement for a lost teammate. Also one team member is located near enough to the server bank, with access, in case the net goes down, or malfunction."

And remember, please be sure to add me to any of these Rapture emails. Speaking as someone who really doesn't have a lot of Christian friends, I'd like to know when all the crazies get sucked off into the clouds.

(singing to myself.... 'there's a war on Christmas, it's under attack......')

Kevin recommends: A musical instrument

I recommend a musical instrument.  [ed note: see? I told you he did] It makes you cooler, gives a productive hobby, enhances creativity, and enlarges/tightens your genitalia (depending on gender).  And you can get a quite decent starter instrument within the $300 price range.

For an acoustic guitar, I recommend a Yamaha in the $200-$300 price range (the equivalent of an F-310 which is, sadly, discontinued).  For an electric, check out Rondo Music: they make cheaper knockoffs of popular guitars from other manufacturers starting at basement prices, but their quality is unbeatable for the price.

 

For a keyboard, I honestly don't have any idea what to recommend.  If you can get one with weighted keys for under $300 get that, I guess.

 

Tragically, you can't get a decent starter electronic drumkit for this price range.  They start at $450-$500, like this beauty.  Still I'm sure anyone who found this under the tree would be ecstatic...

The Suze recommends: Selling your genetic material...

I'm not a good gift receiver. I put up a fight, I don't know how to react, and usually the situation turns awkward. However, I do love to give. It provides you a sense of accomplishment, joy and, if the gift is good enough, something you can dangle over the receiver's head for a while. So, what's the ultimate gift you can give that makes you feel really great and at the same time makes you feel like god? Sperm! Or for the fairer of the species--eggs! Believe it or not, there are people out in the world that want babies--your babies. And you don't even have to pay for their college tuition. So why not? Give the gift of life. This gift can range from -$200 to -$5000 depending on the quality of your junk. Yeah, an added bonus, they pay you! But hurry - after you turn 30, people appreciate this gift alot less.

Now this recommendation is for all of you readers with children.  Oh wait...you don't have kids?  Well I'm sure that you know someone that has some little tykes.  Oh no...you don't either.  Well then this recommendation is for all of you out there that are looking to attract those little ones. Move over candy and ice cream and make some room for Kota the Triceratops. [ed note: for the record, I do not agree that all my readers are pedophiles. Just some of them.]

I don't really need to say much about this.  Just watch the video and listen to the sound that Kota makes at around the 8 second mark.  That's all the evidence I need to fully endorse this product.  Oh and also this feature as stated on the website:

"Can you roar as loud as a dinosaur? Roar at Kota and he'll roar back at you for a prehistoric conversation."

So, let your inner child out or try to lure a child in.  Whatever makes you roar.