The ObscureCraft holiday shopping guide is back for part 2.  Clothing is, by far, the hardest type of gift to buy.  Entirely apart from questions of taste is the fact that I can hardly buy clothes that fit myself.  How in the world am I supposed to buy clothes for you? And with girls it is doubly hard: if you buy something too big, they think that you think that they are fat.  And if you buy something to small, well... then they actually are fat.

Thankfully, clothing isn't just Gap sweaters and 7 different pairs of jeans on one Christmas anymore (thanks mom!).  Here to help you out are your ever-vigilant ObscureCraft contributors, who are on the lookout for the gifts that will Save Christmas(tm).  As with part one, all gifts are $50 or less. (Surfing at work note: there is a picture of a sexy lady after the jump).
Jim suggests: Err from Aqua Teen Hunger Force giving the bird ($13.99 at T-Shirt Bordello).

Ahh, clothing. It says so much about you: how you present yourself, what you find funny, what sports team you follow, your sexual preference. It's difficult to choose a good clothing gift, as it really has to fit the person's personality and body.

So, with that in mind, here's my recommendation.

That's Err. He's giving the finger to the world. Well, not to the world. Just to the good people of the Boston PD. You see, on January 31st, 2007, Boston's finest came to the conclusion that a series of Light Brite-esque devices bearing the likeness of the Mooninites, put into place to promote the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie, were actually terrorist devices.

Yup. Light Brite = Bombs. Who would have thunk it?  More than five years after 9/11, the Boston PD was still drinking the Homeland Security Kool-Aid, and by the gallon it seems. Believing that another attack was imminently imminent, they helped contribute to the culture of fear nourished by the Bush Administration's International Neverending War Against Global Terror.

The results? A circus. Bomb squads, public apologies, public outrage, and a never-aired episode of ATHF simply titled "Boston."  All this, simply because nobody on the Boston PD is a fan of the Mooninites.

Never Forget.

Jesse suggests: Bright red softball cleats ($49.99 from Soft Ball Fans)

Every amatuer athlete has two motivations.  One is to have some fun and maybe get a little exercise.  But the other, super secret one, is to go out on the field at shortstop and pretend that you are Derek Jeter.  Sure, you don't tell anyone that's what you are doing.  That kind of thing is for little kids, right? Yeah: that's what you tell everyone else.  But you know, deep down, that you are pretending to be your favorite baseball player, even when, in fact, you are on a choppy softball field in the middle of Nowhere, Texas. 

But Derek Jeter would never go out on the field in that sweatshirt/sweatpants/old sneakers combo, would he? Of course not. HE IS DEREK JETER.  No, he would wear... okay he'd actually wear a Yankees uniform.  But if that wasn't an option, he would wear red cleats, white baseball pants with red piping, and a matching jersey.  You know why? Because Derek Jeter wants to look awesome.

These cleats are perfect for the wannabe-athlete in your family, especially the slightly out of shape "athlete" - the bright red color will make them look like they are moving faster then they actually are.  Or so I am told/hoping.

Kevin suggests: G-sus Saves T-Shirt ($19.95 from Zazzle)

For the slightly tasteless music-lover on your shopping list, I recommend the classic 'Gsus Saves' shirt.  Particularly good for the nonreligious or irony immune Christians.  Presented here in two different styles.   One is a more tasteful design but the chord diagram is problematic.  It's not actually a suspended G, plus even if you fixed it why would you play it by barring the 10th fret?  The other is a pretty tacky design but it's accurate.  So choose based on the recipient, do they care about authenticity or design in their tacky gag t-shirts?



Daytrader suggests: Cotton footie pajamas! ($44.99 via Big Feet PJs)

Hey...do you remember a place called the Northeast?  You know... where all the good colleges are and that white stuff falls from the sky in the winter.  Does that ring a bell?  Well if you're not retarded like me you got out of that hellhole a long time ago.  But I'm guessing that you know someone who used to sit on the short-bus and thus probably still resides in a cold climate, so do I have the gift for you!

Do you remember when you were a baby and for some reason all clothes came in a one-piece?  You can relive those days as an adult.  Yes...thanks to BigFeetPJS.com you can once again wear FEETY PAJAMAS!!!  And I know that you're thinking about it, and the answer is YES... they come with butt flaps (or as they call it "drop seats").  They have 100% Cotton Flannel (know any lumberjacks?), Micro-Polar Fleece, Jersey Knit, and for all of you financial CEOs that just got a $700 billion Christmas bonus from the government, 100% Cashmere.  (Aside to all those CEOs: Don't forget about your Panamanian cleaning ladies... I hear they like the stuff too.)

So please don't forget about us in the Northeast.  We may be freezing dumbasses, but we're people too!

P.S. Jesse buy Rose a pair of cashmere feety pajamas.

P.P.S. I only said that to be funny unless you actually wanna buy them for her... then I'm not being funny cause she really wants them.

P.P.P.S. Are you going to leave these P.S's in?  I don't care if you do...just wondering.

Suzi suggests: Dreamgirl Women's Smokin Hot Reversible Satin Corset ($49.50 via Amazon)

I'm recommending the throwback 16th century fashion trend--the ever popular and oh so sexy corset. It cinches the waist for a classic hourglass figure, creates a pillowy mantle from the bosom, and readies any man or woman for a passionate, sweaty and bonded session of... intimacy (I'm remembering now that my mother-in-law reads this blog). Any good corset will have a laced back with boning on the sides. But a word of caution: this gift isn't for just anyone. Make sure your lady (or sir--yes, men wear them too!) has a bit of naughty in them before giving them one, or else you might be fucked instead of getting fucked.