Grinds My Gears: Pretty much everything about football
the suze
@ December 22, 2008


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You know what really grinds my gears? Pretty much everything about the game of football.  Jesse has been making me watch alot of football lately, and I have to say... this game is pretty goddamn irritating.  And no. It's not because I'm a girl. It's because there are just some things are fucking stupid about the sport of football.

For instance, somebody tell the quarterback that his job is not to get the football and then stand there before getting tackled.  His job is to throw the football! Throw! The! Fucking! Football! Throw it! I even get mad when the quarterback I'm supposed to be rooting against does this.  I guess my anger at somebody paid millions of dollars failing to do his job right exceeds my caring over who wins some stupid games.
 
Speaking of not caring: I don't care who is "In The Hunt" for a playoff spot.  This is a stupid phrase.  Nobody is hunting anything.  Is phrase even grammatically correct? Do you go "In The Hunt" for deer? No, you go fucking hunting.  And when you catch it, you kill it and eat it. And I doubt the Dolphins or Cowboys are turning to cannibalism any time soon (however, this method would ensure a spot in the playoffs).
 
But that phrase isn't even half as dumb as "Control Your Own Destiny."  Are they "In The Hunt" for a playoff spot, or are they questing for a magical spear that can be used to destroy mankind? Stop trying to make your sport sound like a fantasy novel read by pimply teenage boys or a made-for-TNT movie.  

And guess what: when I go into a business meeting with a client, I don't stand up and introduce myself as "Suzi, graphic designer, Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute." You know why? Because nobody cares what college I went to. (Well, that and everyone would think I went to a 2-year tech college after earning my GED.) But if I was a football player, apparently everybody has to know what college I went to, because it is somehow relevant to what is happening on the field.  Hey, football player who introduced himself as attending the "U Already Know" yesterday: no, I don't already know. And I don't care.

And finally--quarterbacks who can't be bothered to look up at the fucking play clock before getting a delay of game penalty... What is your fucking deal? Or perhaps you just need a refresher on simple math.  That's just a penalty that no one should get unless they want to get flogged in the middle of the field.

And don't even get me started on the name... Might as well call it soccer.  The only time the foot is involved is when they fuck up, and they have to kick the ball to the other team.  Hey, fuckupball.  Now there is a name that makes sense.

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daytrader @ December 22, 2008 10:43 PM

Suze...I cannot disagree with much that you claim about the lovely game of fuckupball. Quarterbacks do tend to stay in the pocket too long. They should use the check down. But the problem is that due to the blocking scheme called by the offense, the check down needs to block the free blitzer and therefore the check down is taken away.

Quarterbacks try to compensate for this by reading the defense pre-snap. Once they recognize whether they are in a zone defense or man defense, identify the blitzer, locate the Mike, and relay all of this to the rest of the offense, they sometimes lose track of the play clock and delay of games occur. But I mean when you think about it, it is just simple math right?

I am surprised that U don't already know where he went to college. I mean you emphasize the most important part...the U. Where is The U? The University of Miami. Look at their helmets. It's a U. Everyone that watches fuckupball knows that. So I take your claim of "Jesse has been making me watch alot of football lately" into question. Perhaps if you separated the "a" from the "lot" I would understand what you're talking about. Didn't you get an H&SS major at Rensselaer Polytechnic Instititue?

As for the playoffs...no arguments from me...although I think you stole that "Control Your Own Destiny" from Bob Costas last night. Maybe you subconsciously heard him say that while you were dozing off before the Giants-Panthers game last night.

Oh, btw...I'm sorry for all the obnoxiousness in this comment. I usually release all of this when I'm out buying Christmas gifts for people that I love. :)

joem @ December 22, 2008 11:37 PM

Oh man. First, you're going to make me STICK UP FOR (american) FOOTBALL, a game I still mostly hate. And second of all, you're going to make me AGREE WITH DAYTRADER!

I won't do the point-by-point, as DT covered that nicely, and I agree with his response. (Except I wouldn't have mentioned the "U" thing since that means nothing to me... both what it means or why you brought it up.)

I will however say that (american) football is alright-ish once you accept it for what it is: a weird spin-off of rugby, which itself is a weird spin-off of "soccer" (the best sport ever). So, considering that it's a doubly-weird spin-off of the best game ever, it's bound to be less-than-perfect.

ALSO, go watch (if you haven't already) season 1 of Friday Night Lights. That helps build an appreciation, too. (AND! It takes place in Texas!! You'll finally be able to "understand" your neighbors!)

kevin @ December 23, 2008 11:06 AM

I appreciate this post, partially because it makes fun of football commentators who rank somewhere between Gossip Girl and Hitler in terms of 'most unpleasant things to listen to', but also because it includes a reference to the classic TNT film The Librarian: Quest for the Spear.

On the other hand, Giants/Panthers was one of the best games I've seen in a long while.

jesse @ December 23, 2008 11:43 AM

I love football, but I also hate that I'm supposed to know/care where somebody went to college. You know what really grinds my gears? College football.

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