Dear friends and family,
As you may have guessed, I'm typically a big fan of giving and receiving presents at Christmas. However, this year, Suzi and I are asking that you do not buy us anything. Please consider the following:
Suzi and I are spending a not insignificant amount of money on plane tickets to fly from Houston back to the Northeast to spend this Christmas with you. Therefore, we do not feel that we can take on the added expenditure of Christmas presents. So, if you buy us presents, we will have nothing for you. That will make us feel bad. Specifically, it will make the Suze feel terrible, and if the Suze feels terrible then we ALL feel terrible.
Houston is warm. Right now it is 70 degrees out. The Northeast is cold. Last I heard, it was actually a frozen hellscape of ice and snow and death. Therefore, we will be packing bulky sweaters, jackets, coats, hats, mittens, scarves, thermal underpants, boots, and possibly blankets. Also, we do not want to check our bags. Our bags will be completely full. There will be no room to pack the presents that you should not buy for me. I will have to leave them behind.
And, finally: the task of instructing all of you to not buy presents has been given to me by Suzi. If you buy us presents, it means that I have failed. Please do not make a failure out of me. The best present you can get me is to not get us presents.
Thank you, and I love you all.
(psst... okay, Suzi
is gone. Listen: you can get us presents. Buy Suzi alcohol. She will
drink it while she is there, so we don't have to bring it back, and it
will keep her warm. Buy me lottery tickets. I will scratch them while
I am there, and if I win alot of money then maybe I'll buy people some
presents after all. Okay, be quiet before Suzi comes back!)