[The following note was forwarded to me OC tipper Daytrader from my fraternity's undergraduate e-mail list.]

Brothers,

As most if not all of you already know, my girlfriend of two and a half years broke up with me recently.  She even more recently proceeded to get a new boyfriend.  For those of you who don't know, I'm kinda attached to this girl, and I need to do whatever it takes to win her back.  Namely: get involved in a fake Facebook relationship with an even hotter girl.

This is where you all come in.  I need a beautiful girl (preferably with larger breasts) to pretend to be involved with me on Facebook.  This includes several pictures indicating that we are "close," as well as the possible eventual changing of our Facebook relationship status.  If anyone knows of any girl who fits this description and would be willing to help a guy out (nothing physical actually needs to happen, though if she wants to get in character more, I'm all for it), please, let me know and get her in contact with me.

I'm counting on each of you to step up and whore out your most attractive friends for [me]. I know this is a lot to ask, but I don't ask for that much.  Thank you in advance for any assistance that you can render.

- Manbearpig

-----

I can already see the movie poster.  Ryan Gosling as Manbearpig, Rosario Dawson as the fake Facebook girlfriend, and maybe Live Tyler as his ex.  "You've Got Status Updates", coming to theaters near you this December.

Oh, wait, you mean we aren't in a studio pitch meeting? This is a serious idea? Um. Wow.

Hey, let's take a minute to empathize with the loss of a girlfriend.  It is sad that you've been with her for two and a half years and it has ended.  It really is.  However: it isn't nearly as sad as your inability to accept that it is actually over.  Because it is.

How do I know? The new boyfriend is the key.  Girls don't pop out of long-term relationships and go right with a new guy, unless they are stone-cold bitches.  Either that or, in her mind, she's been out of the long-term relationship for awhile, and she was just trying to find the easiest way to extricate herself from what had been an unpleasant situation.  You may have just broken up with her, but she's been broken up with you for awhile.  She just didn't have the heart to tell you.  So take your pick: either you are going to make a fool out of yourself in front of everyone you know (well, more than you already have) only to go down in flames, OR you'll be successful, only to find out much later that she's actually a total bee-yotch that you were better off without.  Your choice.

Or maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way.  Are you actually hoping that you'll find a new girlfriend this way? No, no, I can't...it's almost too pathetic to even contemplate.

But with all that being said: don't let me discourage you from going the wacky sitcom route and creating a fake Facebook relationship.  Just make sure to add me as a friend first.  Because the only thing better than a car wreck is a car wreck that happens in slow motion.