I love Christmas.  There, I said it.  I love it.  I love putting up lights, and the presents, and singing the same goddamn songs every year.  And I love that I get to enjoy it without all the going to church and believing in Jesus.  Christmas for me is like eating frozen yogurt instead of ice cream: all the fun and the flavor, none of the guilt!

But I do have sympathy for those of you that get a little tired of the same routine year in and year out, especially now that the routine starts around Labor Day.  I get it - I don't want to talk about Christmas before Thanksgiving anymore than you do, but here we are.  In fact, bitching about how early the Christmas season starts is one of my most treasured Christmas traditions.  Here are my top five:

1. South Park's Christmas episodes.  Specifically, the Mr. Hanky hosted Christmas specials with all the incredible music numbers.  Cartman singing Silent Night.  Hitler in hell, sobbing and singing O Tatenbaum in German.  Mr. Mackey singing the Carol of the Bells.  It is not Christmas until I hear "Hark hear the bells/Sweet silver bells/All seem to say/Ding dong mkay".

2. Watching people try to make it through the How the Grinch Stole Christmas drinking game.  It has one rule: take a drink whenever the word "who" is used in any form (all the Who's *drink* down in Whoville *drink*).  It's the alcoholic Christmas version of the gallon challenge.

3. Bitching about how early the Christmas season starts. 

4. Putting up Christmas lights in my window, and then leaving them there until the tape wears out and they fall down or Suzi threatens me with a knife.

(I'm just kidding.  Suzi would never threaten me with a knife.  Suzi is all about blunt force trauma.)

5. The songs from A Colbert Christmas - The Greatest Gift Of All

That's right, after last night, my list as officially been re-written.  Sorry, Miracle on 34th Street.  Your plot never really made any sense anyway.  Why does the post office keep all those bags of mail? Where do they store them? And why would they pay a dozen different mail carriers to bring junk mail to a courthouse? Isn't in the holiday season? I thought the post office was inundated with work! It makes no sense! Did you have the same writers as this season of Heroes?

Anyway.

A Colbert Christmas features musical performance from Colbert, Toby Keith, Feist, Elvis Costello, John Stewart, John Legend, and Willie Nelson.  Any guesses who my favorite was? 

Toby Keith singing "Have I Got a Present For You".  How fantastic was it? After it was done, Suzi said: "I couldn't tell if that was a joke or an actual Toby Keith song." 

Separate church and state/That's what some lawyer said/Well I think it's time we separated/Him from his head!

But my favorite lyric of the night went to Colbert and Stewart singing about Hannuka...Channukkah...(hold on let me look it up)...Hanukkah!

JS: We have latkas...
SC: What are those?
JS: Potato pancakes.  We have dreidels...
SC: What are those?
JS: Wooden tops.  We have candles...
SC: What are those?
JS: THEY ARE CANDLES!

I want that to be my ringtone.  Every time somebody calls me, I want to hear John Stewart scream THEY ARE CANDLES! over and over again.  I might never answer my phone.

If you want to watch the entire special, I wholeheartedly endorse that.  But really, this was about the songs.  They were written by David Javerbaum, a Daily Show producer, and Adam Schlesinger, a founding member of Fountains of Wayne.  That's right - some of the best Christmas music I've ever heard was written by a couple of Jews.  Their mothers must be so proud.